It was a mistake. All of it was just a huge mistake. He rarely talked to his family. The draft of his book was rejected by every publisher he tried to contact. His last boyfriend left him three months prior, taking half of Jiyong’s cash with him, not mentioning his pack of cigarettes and favourite lighter, the one shaped like a pistol he got from his sister for his twenty sixth birthday. His bills were due and he barely had the money to buy food. Whenever he looked into the mirror, he could see more of his ribs beneath his skin and the dark roots under his red hair. He wanted to curl up in the gutter and die, preferably in a quick way.

Not really the right mood for a party at his friend’s house.

But Seungri insisted and dragged him along, despite his own thinning face and the dark circles under his tired eyes. There was no way to ever stop Seungri from getting what he wanted.

Jiyong used to love partying. He used to go out every night, his boyfriend on his arm and various drinks in his hand.

As soon as they walked into Youngbae’s home, Seungri ran into his boyfriend’s arms and Jiyong walked over to the couch, snatching a bottle of beer along the way. He closed his eyes and swallowed it down in one go.

 

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;

I lift my lids and all is born again.

 

Jiyong opened his eyes, the weight of alcohol-induced sleep dragging his lids back down a second later. He groaned, feeling the splitting headache begin to spread from behind his eyeballs to the back of his head. The scratchy wool blanket he was covered with left red marks on the porcelain skin of his cheek.

Youngbae’s apartment smelt of cigarette smoke and spilled alcohol. The only sound he could hear was the quiet snoring coming from the armchair. He once again opened his eyes and they traveled down to the floor, focusing on a mop of blue hair right next to the couch he was sleeping on. Jiyong looked at the armchair, spotting Daesung laying across the seat, his head thrown over the armrest. He looked back at the blue hair, trying to remember anyone in Bae’s inner circle of friends who dyed their short hair besides Seungri. When he came up blank, Jiyong decided to just reach over a bit and take a better look at his face.

The stranger was handsome. Incredibly so. And also very much awake.

He turned to face Jiyong, before smiling lightly.

“Hi” Jiyong felt his throat constrict around the word, anxiousness slowly creeping into his bones.

“Hi” The stranger’s voice was deep but had a soft underlining to it. Jiyong shivered. “I’m Tabi.”

 

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

 

They went stargazing for their first date.

Jiyong never really liked that word. ‘Date’. It always reminded him of middle school and all the times he asked a girl to go see a movie with him, during which he awkwardly held her hand and afterwards got a peck on his lips for. His last boyfriend used to laugh at the story, but he still insisted on calling their outings ‘dates’.

They laid down on the roof of Jiyong’s apartment building, sharing a cheap bottle of Prosecco and eating Italian take-out. After the food was gone and he already drank two glasses, he let his hand wander to Tabi’s blue hair, playing with it while the man talked about the universe and stars expanding and swallowing planets the size of the Earth. Tabi turned to face him after finishing his speech, his own hand winding its way into Jiyong’s red locks.

“You’re beautiful” He smiled, before sitting up. “It’s getting cold. Come on.”

He stood up and offered Jiyong his hand. He took it, letting the older man pull him up and lead him to the door, leaving behind the dark roof.

 

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,

And arbitrary blackness gallops in:

 

Once they reached Jiyong’s door, Tabi turned to him and slowly leaned down, leaving a short kiss on his cheek. Jiyong could hear his blood rushing through his ears as he stood on his tip toes, wrapping his arms around Tabi’s neck and kissing him, his eyes squeezing shut.

 

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

 

He smiled into the kiss, his hands resting on Jiyong’s hips and his thumbs rubbing circles into his hipbones, driving Jiyong slowly insane. The man’s touch burned in the sweetest way possible and Jiyong could feel his heart beating out of his chest. Tabi’s tongue brushed Jiyong’s lips and he opened them, relishing in the man’s taste. He fumbled with his keys for a moment before kicking his door open and leading Tabi inside. He slammed the door shut and wrapped his arms around Jiyong’s waist, hoisting him up and pushing him against the closed door. Jiyong’s thighs parted and he moaned as he felt Tabi nest in between them, rubbing his crotch over Jiyong’s. He leaned back for a second to point towards his bedroom and went back to kissing Tabi, smiling when the taller man complied and carried him to his room. They collapsed onto the bed and Jiyong found something incredibly arousing in the weight pushing him down into the mattress, restricting his movements.

 

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed

And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.

 

When Jiyong awoke, he was surrounded by a sweet-smelling warmth. He buried his nose between Tabi’s pectorals and left a small kiss over his heart. The man laughed, tightening his hold on Jiyong’s waist and turning onto his back, before hoisting him up and kissing him.

“Good morning” Tabi voice was even lower than usual, sleepiness tugging at his vocal chords.

“Good morning” Jiyong brushed back his fringe, before playing with the blue strands.

His last boyfriend hated dyeing his hair. He did it occasionally, either for work or because he swore he saw grey hairs and had to get rid of them immediately. He was only a year older than Jiyong, but stress always got to him and became visible on his body in various forms.

Tabi leaned in and kissed him, his tongue slowly exploring the inside of Jiyong’s mouth. His breath hitched in his throat when Tabi’s hand squeezed his , his thumb placing itself in the small dent above it.

“You’re beautiful” Tabi smiled warmly, before giving Jiyong an Eskimo kiss and chuckling. “Do you want breakfast?”

“Yeah, sure” Jiyong smiled widely, leaning in for another kiss.

 

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

 

Although they were physically inseparable, Jiyong felt this weird distance growing between him and Tabi. Even when they sat millimeters apart, Jiyong felt as if he was sitting at the edge of a cliff, ready to fall down.

He never wanted to meet up with any of Jiyong’s friends, and Jiyong tried very hard to accept that. Tabi was shy, extremely shy and he never really liked spending time with other people, except for Jiyong. He preferred to stay home and relax and Jiyong was into that for a week or so before he became restless and needed to get out. Tabi liked domestic bliss and watching silent movies and Jiyong liked to do stuff, different stuff, all the time.

So it was only a matter of time before their meetings became less frequent and the nights after them more lonely. Then came a day when Jiyong went to sleep with Tabi by his side and woke up alone, the sheets next to him cold.

 

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:

Exit seraphim and Satan's men:

 

Jiyong hated fighting. Not because it brought out the worst in people, but because it always seemed like he was the one loosing. No matter what the argument was about, Jiyong always felt like the other person had the upper side at the end of it. Because Jiyong bared his all while they still had cards up their sleeves.

His last boyfriend hated that. That after a while, Jiyong would just scream that he wasn’t the bad guy in that situation and that they were dangerously shifting into another argument, while they weren’t still done. He would always tell Jiyong that it wasn’t about winning or losing, but about stating things out in the open and expressing their frustration with the other. He would call Jiyong childish and just stop altogether, while Jiyong fell apart, throwing a tantrum over not being on top of things once again.

Jiyong hated fighting with Tabi, but for a completely different reason. He just stood there and took whatever Jiyong had to say before smiling sheepishly and nodding his agreement. It drove Jiyong insane and made him say even more hurtful things, but Tabi just stood there. As if he didn’t care about any of the things Jiyong said. As if he didn’t care about what Jiyong thought of him.

“Just do something!” He’d finally scream, knocking something over and practically ripping his own hair out. “Scream at me, tell me I’m being unreasonable! You can’t just stand there!”

He’d close his eyes, before feeling the whole atmosphere drop as Tabi’s arms wrapped around his body, saying he was sorry.

Despite the fact that Tabi agreed with him wholeheartedly, Jiyong still felt like he was losing.

 

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

 

After one too many of their pointless fights, Jiyong just stopped caring. He broke it off in the middle of it all, eyeliner running down his face.

He spent his days lying on his bed, face down, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for Tabi to fight for him, or to call him just to say he’s an , or to burst into his apartment to take back the money Jiyong borrowed from him, taking a pack of cigarettes they shared and the lighter that was inside it with him by accident.

But nothing came, and Jiyong was once again alone.

 

I fancied you'd return the way you said,

But I grow old and I forget your name.

 

Something should have the warning bells in Jiyong’s head when Youngbae told him that he never knew anyone with blue hair. It should have tipped something off in Jiyong’s brain, along with the deep voice and handsome face. It should have been suspicious and uncanny, but Jiyong never questioned it.

It should have been weird that after Tabi disappeared, he only had to clean up after himself. Or that he never went to his apartment. But it wasn’t. It was perfectly normal and Jiyong never thought too much of it.

 

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

 

The thing that the warning bells in Jiyong’s head was the lack of phone calls. Not even the fact that Tabi never called him, but that his phone insisted that Jiyong never called him.

Jiyong wanted to make sense of it, but it just made the ache in his heart sharper. He settled on the fact that if what he thought was true was indeed true, Tabi will never fight for him the way he wanted.

 

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;

At least when spring comes they roar back again.

 

Seungri had no idea about Jiyong’s new failed relationship. And why would he know? Jiyong never took Tabi anywhere with him and Seungri never met anyone with electric blue hair before. So when he knocked on Jiyong’s door with his arm looped through Youngbae’s, Jiyong nodded and put on his clubbing attire.

It was only fitting that he ended his moping the same way it all started.

When they reached the club, Seungri tugged Youngbae to the dance floor, wiggling his hips seductively and winking at Jiyong. He smiled at the pair, before turning to the bar and ordering a shot of Tequila to start off his night. He didn’t have to wait long before drinks started to appear in front of him, both from young girls and older men, all of them complementing his outfit of choice and if they were daring enough. After a while their voices dulled into a distant pulse and Seungri appeared in front of him with Youngbae and a couple of strangers, telling him that they were going to a different party. Jiyong giggled, agreeing and slumping against someone who turned out to be a pretty sober Daesung. He didn’t even notice when more of his friends appeared, but now that he looked closer at the strangers he could recognize them.

When they tumbled into Teddy’s apartment, Jiyong crushed onto the couch and closed his eyes, everything around him turning into a soft whisper before he fell asleep.

 

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

 

Jiyong woke up on the floor, feeling his head ache in places he never even knew it could. He stood up slowly, feeling the urgent need to smoke cloud everything else. He patted down his pants, cursing when he found nothing and started to crawl around the room. He finally found a pack on the coffee table. He stood up, feeling every muscle in his back groan in pain.

He was getting too old for this.

He walked onto the balcony, surprised to see a tall man sitting on the ledge and smoking. The light smoke contrasted sharply against his jet black hair. He looked up at Jiyong, his eyeliner smudged and a frown on his face, but somehow still upholding an air of nonchalance.

“Hi” Jiyong nodded, sitting on the other end of the balcony before digging through the pack.

There were cigarettes alright, but nobody left a lighter inside it. He considered just walking back into the apartment, but he’d look like a total idiot next to the guy. Squaring his shoulders, Jiyong asked the stranger for a lighter.

The man took out a Zippo lighter and flicked it open, before leaning towards him. Jiyong also leaned in, making sure to maintain eye contact while the flames at the end of his cigarette. The man’s frown turned into a slight smirk. Once he looked down while putting his lighter away Jiyong noted that he had small, black earrings on.

“Hi” The stranger’s voice was deep but had a soft underlining to it. Jiyong shivered. “I’m Mark.”

 

(I think I made you up inside my head.)