A/N: Partly inspired by Seung Yoon's EXIT teaser!
 

---

Warmth gushes your skin and a shiver runs through you as you step in to that cafe. It was either the frosty evening air or the ear to ear smile that have kissed your cheeks numb, it could be both but you were pretty damn sure it was the latter.

It always was when it’s Seungyoon.

The band was already on stage, bright lights falling onto grungy clad figures surrounded by a captivated crowd drowned in a contrasting dim glow. Seungyoon stood centre stage, hidden by the squeeze of his shoulders as he held onto the mic with both hands. No matter how many times you’ve witnessed his performances, you were always amazed at his ability to drag his audience with him. He was utterly immersed in his song just as everyone was in him. 

Seungyoon sings with his soul. The first time you ever heard him, you fell in love with it instantly –a voice that could break a million hearts in all the right ways. He was ruthless, making sure that you could feel every word and every letter because it wasn’t just skin deep. You remember asking him what made him so sad to sing this way and he looks at you like you’re the answer –“There’s a thin line between heavenly joy and deep sorrow, you know that right?”

But there was something in the way he holds himself tonight, unruly hair over his eyes as he hung his head low –that this was the deepest of all sorrows.

You kept your stance by the corner shielded by an ocean of bodies ahead, not far from the entrance. I’ll see you tonight, be safe alright? –he was always trying to hide true feelings yet you sensed the excitement in his voice being the last thing you remember. Confusion clouded you when you woke up in an almost empty train not long ago. Something bugged you, as if everything wasn’t just as it seems but you couldn’t quite pinpoint it just yet.

A chorus of cheers and broken claps followed after when the band ends the song. Seungyoon holds on to the head of his guitar as he thanks the crowd with a deep bow. You wonder when he bought the new instrument, it was one you’ve never seen before and as far as you can remember, you were always his personal go to guitar consultant. It was funny, since you got no damn clue when it comes to that. You figured he just had a kick out of gloating his way through the store, yapping on about music that he knows so much about.

But you didn’t mind. Seungyoon was always selfish with time when it comes to you.

Only you.

As soon as you see him grab the guitar over his head, you were already jumping your way towards him. The butterflies were alive, fluttering at the pit of your stomach and you weren’t sure why this was, but it feels like you hadn’t seen him in a while. You wanted so much to be in his arms.

“Seungyoon!”

His name lay soundless at the tip of your tongue, halted by a voice that wasn’t yours. It felt like a blur then, appearing from out of the blue as she throws herself into Seungyoon’s arms.

There was a split second of reluctance from him, hands hanging in midair before resting a little too low on the small of her back.

Every fibre in your being screamed to look away, and when he kissed her, that sickening drop of your heart made you feel like you might just collapse. Your pulse pounded in your ears and shock anchored you the ground leaving you frozen in place.

Seungyoon held her just the way he would with you and the scene was nauseating. A tidal of feelings came crashing down on you and as much as you wanted to run –screaming into him, you couldn’t. 

It just didn’t make any sense. The two of you were happy, right?

It dawned you that none of that mattered, he was cruel to be so ing convincing. Betrayal seethed through you and you were trembling with angry tears.

Breathing started to burn and the sight of her giggling into his shoulders as he whispers sweet nothings made you ill. You find yourself scurrying towards the back exit, the chilly air piercing your lungs as you ram the door open.

You were desperately looking back through the years you’ve spent with him, it made you see red the fact that there was no reason for him to cheat. Was it because you’ve fallen so deep that you were just too blind to see it?

Never fall in love with an artist.

Why?

They’d touch your soul and leave you drained.

–a fair warning that you heard of too many times whenever you were caught stealing a glance or two at Seungyoon.

 Especially him –you didn’t dare question it then because you knew.  Handcuffs decorated his wrists from time to time, unkempt brown locks in a mess of red and blue flashes, pressed against the backseat window of patrol cars.   

It was a whirlwind romance that led to something more, you looked past his exterior and were dangerously charmed by the words he uttered. The petty fights were sharp and venomous, but you kept him grounded and he loosened your tight edges.

You remember coming home with him barely limping, one arm thrown over your aching shoulder as you struggle to carry the two of you into his apartment. He was so badly beaten that you had to do a double take, unsure if it was him sprawled over the pavement of some alley.

It felt like forever until you managed to get him out of his sweat stained clothes, guilty for cursing him when he whined off your efforts to tend his bruised skin. You’ve grown used to situations like those and learned to mask the hurt in your heart.

And when he cooled down, you remember crawling over to his sleeping frame only to catch the flutter of his lids being still awake.

“Go on, say it.” He murmurs through the dark and you feel his calloused fingers tracing the line of your jaw.

“Your face, Yoon…” You sigh, opting to save the scolding for some other time.

“My face?” He winces when he rolls closer to you and you were crying into the sheets, feelings ruptured from the dam you’ve built earlier.

“Babe, don’t…“

“Your face.” You repeat once more, sobbing your words and he breathes out a small laugh. It was beyond you how he could find anything funny right then.

“What’s wrong with my face?”

He was smiling you could tell, but it was how he could manage such thing with a split lip.

Seungyoon cups your cheeks and begins to mimic your concerns. Sobbing playfully into your arm after whispering “Your face –oh god, your face!”

“How would you feel if I did that to you, hm?” And you were the one laughing then.

Too absorbed in your train of hectic thoughts, it threw you off guard when the door slams shut. You stare at the person who just took his exit and your brain registers the familiarity in an instant.

Seungyoon stood at the edge of the pavement with his back towards you. A slick leather jacket hung loosely over his shoulders, dark jeans skin tight on his lanky legs. He digs the pockets of his jacket and you didn’t know what it was until you heard a hurried click. His shoulders dropped after the first drag, the light sizzling of cigarette fleeting through the night.

You wonder when he started smoking, considering his lifestyle anyone would’ve assumed that he’d tried everything in the book. Gotta be careful with my voice, sweetheart, he reasoned.

Seungyoon leans his head back as he exhales deeply, sending a trail of smoke dancing swiftly above him.

Still caught in a mess of emotions, you rashly tug the silver band off your ring finger, cursing under your breath before you angrily throw the piece of jewellery right on his head.

“You ing prick.”

Seungyoon scruffs the spot you abused, turning his head to the side in confusion. You catch the frown on his face and he looks at you like he’d seen a ghost. He then pauses briefly, soaking in your presence.

Thick boots scrapes the gravel roughly when he staggers back, eyes flying open almost as if he was horrified to see you. Even more so when you lurched yourself at him, gathering every ounce of your strength to shove him off his stance.

He remains speechless, just staring at you as he retreats shakily. It irritated you how he was reacting this way, did he really think you were oblivious enough to let this pass?

“God, say something!” You didn’t care the fact that you were screeching, the goddamn world should know of his cheating .

Seungyoon bears your aggression, standing foolishly quiet as you continue to push him as roughly as you could. All in a desperate hope for a single word out of his lips.

It wasn’t until he stuttered a laugh, so honest that it made your blood boil at the nerve he had to find anything so amusing.

“You’re ing kidding me right?”

He had the smile that puts city lights to shame, beaming at you as he rakes his fingers through his hair. It only made you want to smack it off his face. There was pain in the way he rasps his laughter, finally reacting to your fury as he runs both hands over his face,

 “I’ve finally gone mad.”

//

5 am he sees you passed out on the couch, one leg over the edge of the furniture and he couldn’t help but smile. Just an hour ago you fussed him into promising to wake you up before he leaves. Seungyoon knows well that he won’t survive your bitter rants if he didn’t and so here he was, kneeling down as he studies your sleeping and quite frankly, adorable face.

He jumps when your alarm blares, completely startled when you sit up almost knocking his face with your knees. With your eyes barely open, you hopped on to your feet whispering a groggy “Let’s go.”

Seungyoon bites back his laughter, wondering if you were still hovering in your dreams. He watches you pad into the kitchen with mismatched pyjamas horribly wrinkled from your sleeping habits. He was smitten, adoring you from a distance as you pace from counter to counter.

 “What are you doing?” He stifles a smile, leaning into the island as he takes a peek over to you.

“I’m making you breakfast.” You let out a drowsy smile, and Seungyoon chuckles at your response. Forget the fact that it’s barely morning, but the real concern is how you were about to serve him a stack of frozen waffles.

Maybe this was what lovestruck was, swearing that no one should feel this way when he sees you drizzle a generous amount of liquid dish soap instead of maple syrup.

“There, I put loads this time.” You say with a smile so pure Seungyoon was convinced that this was what he wanted for the rest of his life.

Seungyoon must have woken you up properly this time when he burst out an amused laugh at what he just witnessed.

“Good god, just marry me already.”

The silver ring lay vulnerable by the pavement and Seungyoon was certain that he’d finally lost his mind. It was too much for his thinning sanity that all he could do was laugh –you were too real, too present and he cursed at how merciless the universe was.

I’ve finally gone mad.

About ing time.

He sees the furrow of your brows, features drowned in a chaos of anger and confusion. The words that you spat out seemed meaningless almost like it was muted and all he could focus on was you –right here with him.

Terrified that you might suddenly disappear, he runs straight into you and it shouldn’t hurt this much when his arms found its way home once again. The scent of you envelops his entire being and it’s been too long since he had you in his arms. It was like committing the greatest sin by forgetting how this feels like.

“Don’t touch me!” Your struggles were pointless as Seungyoon chained you desperately into his hold. He didn’t care what it was that got you so mad, convinced that this was just a trick of his mind finally erupting at how much he’d been grieving all these years.

“ –I’ve missed you.” His voice was barely a whisper, strained at the back of his throat. He hadn’t realize that your efforts to resist him have ceased the moment he choked back tears, face buried into your hair.

“It sure as hell didn’t look like it with your tongue down .”

Fazed by your deadpan remark, Seungyoon peels himself off you and his heart was in his mouth seeing you this close.

His eyes wavered as he tries to find a trace of emotion in your vacant expression, running a thumb along your cheek.

“What?”

“Don’t give me that , Yoon.”

“You left me.” He rasps, “ –you ing left me all alone and you know that I can’t without you.”

“What? You’re the one ready to leave!”

“You left.” Seungyoon repeats in defeat, eyes darkened with so much hurt that you started to believe him.

“So you went ahead and replaced me, is that it?”

He scoffs out a pained breath, hooded eyes piercing through you, “I was right. You’re not real.”

“Stop. Just stop with–”

That was when the plush of his lips found yours, wistfully moulded into each other and he kisses you like it was the last time.

“Why don’t you ever ask me how much I love you?“He asks, breaking the comfortable silence the two of you shared in that elevator. Seungyoon looks at you from the opposite end, chin tipped up as he leans back onto the wall.

“Because you get all deep and I won’t understand a thing. I appreciate your artistic mind, Yoon. But please, spare me.” You chuckle, rolling your eyes in a jest.

"I’ll go easy on you this time."A faint smile curls on his full lips and he crosses one arm over the other as he waits.

"Fine. How much?”

“That’ll be 20,000 won, ma’am.”His sarcastic tone signals how offended he was, looking nothing but impressed.  

"How much do you love me, Kang Seungyoon?"You sigh quietly, trailing towards him with your arms outstretched.

He lets go slowly when he realize that you weren’t kissing him back, rubbing the back of his hand hurriedly over heated tears and damp cheeks.

“So much, that it scares me.” He says into the crown of your head, “I pray that you’ll find someone you can’t live without.”

“Don’t be silly, Yoon.”You throw him a frown and he knows what you had meant. He wanted you to know that he found his but he was too much of a mess to be yours.

“And god, I pray that you’ll never have to be without them.”

“Now you’re scaring me, shut up.”

The lump in his throat burned and he inhales a ragged breath, so close to breaking down right in front of you.

“I want this so much to be real.” His voice cracked under a mountain of emotions, “But it’s not, and I’m sorry, I just–“

His legs finally gave up, Seungyoon was on his knees then, head planted in between his trembling arms as he weeps.

“What do you mean I left?”

As vivid as that night was, he couldn’t bring himself to say it. It was supposed to be a surprise, having left his passion to perform due to his own bad decisions, he wanted to show you that he finally got his life back together. Back to playing music just like you wanted him to.  

He managed to end it courteously with frantic thoughts of you not far from his mind. As soon as it was over, he remembered storming off the stage with his phone pressed to his ears. It must have been a million missed calls later when they confirmed that you were a passenger on that ill-fated train.

Seungyoon was submerged in his string of regrets and to this day, he still is. Maybe if he hadn’t pestered you so much to come see him, maybe then you’d still be here.

That performance was for you, he sang for you and ever since then, they were all for you. It was the only thing that he didn’t regret.

“Seungyoon…” There was infinite sadness in the way he carries himself and you were helpless, softening at the painful sight. You reach out to brush your palm gently over his messy curls and he flinches at your touch.   

“No –don’t.” He blurts as he backs away. When you left, he was dead sure that he’d do anything to have you back even if that means going through his own deaths just to see you again.

“I’d do this for you, a million times over.” Tears blurred his vision, words coursing out in a blubbering mess. “But I know you wouldn’t want me to.”

“You’ll tell me to go out there, get up in the morning and shower. Eat breakfast and go out, see my friends and make music. Love.” He continues, struggling to get back on his feet.

“So don’t. Don’t make me feel like you’re here, because I’m trying to fix myself and it’s so damn hard.” Seungyoon clamps his teeth to his lip, the thought ached him because all this time you were the one that fixed him.

“And just so you know,” He breathes deeply, slowly increasing the distance between the both of you as he retreats, “I can never replace you. I can’t.”

 

//