I met him in the dream market. Not something I could have indulged in, if not for your gift. What else is there in this world of grey and black if not for dreams. I have never been to a real market before. Such things are history and curiously difficult to comprehend in this world where there is no such thing as retail. But a dream market is something I have always wanted to try.  

First time I saw him, he was buying tomatoes. His head bent and an unconscious pout. He was wearing a pink sweater that skimmed his waist and dark jeans that went out of fashion when the last of the indigo plants withered away. His black hair was limp and slightly wet. I remember wondering if he just had the overwhelming urge to buy tomatoes during his shower and rushed out to do so. The thought had made me envious. Such things are impossible now. Minseok says that in those days, such behaviour was called ‘impulsive’, another extinct feeling that was lost in evolution.

To this day, I do not know why I chose him among the thousands that were there in the dream. Or maybe it was him who chose me all along. He looked up at me with a confused look and all I remember was my vision fading. I woke up to soft hands gently patting my face. My vision cleared to soft pink woollen and a worried face. The pout was back and it looked so much more charming up close.

“Are you alright? You fainted.”

“My home is nearby, you can rest there for a while.”

Even in this dead land with nothing to do except scavenge for food and listen to the forlorn sound of barrenness, I couldn’t have stayed the whole day and a night, but in my dream, I did. I filled the day with cool lemonade and hearty lunch, Stupid jokes and a walk by the park, the night was spent listening to an angel read something dramatic by some guy called Dickens. It was just a story of friendship and loyalty that ended in tragedy but that voice brought it to life. He was just a stranger who was nice but he changed the landscape in my head with fireworks of spontaneous laughter.

Much later when I had returned to a thunderstorm that chilled me to the bones, the warmth of tiny hands trying to wrap around my too big a body still lingered.

The thunderstorm lasted three weeks. With Jongdae, Minseok, you and I huddling within your tiny apartment waiting out the storm, I couldn’t get back to the dream. Minseok spoke about the old world and for some reason for the first time in my life, I felt something heavy in my chest. I was too young when our fathers had blown up the world and I never understood that faraway look you both get when you talk about the past. It was all but a story until the dream, I realized that when I woke up, I did not wake up from a dream, but from life.

After weeks of just looking at the tiny flickering light in the tiny glass box, I decided to visit again fittingly on the day the Sun showed for the first time in a month. The thunderstorm in all its fury had managed to clear the dust sheets in the sky, and in the streaks of Sunlight and glittering rain drops, the world looked silver rather than its blackish grey. We had hugged and I had felt your ribs more than I did three weeks ago, but I knew we will be alright. In the afternoon, surrounded by silence, I sat on the edge on the 36^th floor of my home, with legs dangling into nothingness and smiled. I didn’t stop smiling even as I opened the glass box to pick the tiny fragile light and brought it to my right eye.

This time I had to wait for him. I sat on the floor next to his locked door and waited. To pass the time, I recalled our previous meeting in every detail until I heard a thud. Joonmyun started at me with an open mouth, next to him the plastic bag he had dropped rustled in the afternoon breeze. Even as I awkwardly pushed myself to my feet, I was hugged within an inch of my life.

“I thought I would never see you again.”

 We spent the evening wandering around his town. I tried coffee and cake for the first time. Then we watched a movie about a war that happened long ago. Half way through it, Joonmyun started leaning on me more and I did not mind. In fact I slowly lifted my arm and rested it on his slim shoulders. In the flickering light from the TV, Joonmyun turned to look up at me and gave the most blinding smile I had ever seen in my life.

Despite the noise of the TV Joonmyun slowly nodded off. I observed how tiny he was against my larger frame and I wondered how those tiny fingers could hold an entire world for me to live in. When I tried to extricate myself, his fingers tightened their grip on my T shirt.

“Joonmyun?”

“If you will be gone when I wake up, then I don’t want to wake up.” He mumbled.

I rested my chin on his head and pulled him impossibly close. I felt that ache again in my chest and perhaps I am falling sick or falling in love, but that didn’t matter at the moment. What mattered was staying awake as long as I can so that the man in my arms would feel safe just a bit longer.

“I will be here when you wake up. Sleep now.”

In that room with dull yellow walls, I sat with another lonely soul’s heartbeat slowly syncing with my own and contemplated such things as my feeling. All my life, I have thought that comfort is sharing a ratty blanket with a friend or making sure a loved one doesn’t slip into twilight all alone and scared. Yifan, Jongdae or Ximun, we all know it in our hearts that therein lays the reason for us still sticking around each other. Comfort is the reason why we braved the flood last summer to reach Luhan before his sickness ate away the last of his soul. For now there are four of us. None of us know yet who will be the last man standing, but I believe we have an unspoken agreement that the last pair left will not abandon each other. It’s good that you saved the last bullet after all. But comfort, I now understand is also wanting to see the next sunrise with someone I care about. Strangely, I never thought of it that way until then.

Time, you once said long ago, is relative. You explained to me that the less we do with it, the longer it seems. You were wrong, I have done nothing but sit in the dark and watch someone sleep and yet time didn’t slow. The bright Sun of this world was already rising and so was Junmyeon.

He smiled that beautiful smile and gave me a hug. But then he did something that once again proved physics wrong. How can cool lips sear hot like a brand and scorch your insides? Someday you will have to explain it to me. After that, I didn’t think much. He was light as I carried him to his bed room. I tasted him and touched him all the while marvelling how that tiny frame bore my weight over it.

We had breakfast later and like idiots danced to some tune on the radio at noon. As the day wore on, I knew my time was running out. That evening, we sat on his roof and watched the stars.

“I will send you messages through them ok?”

I didn’t want to tell him that we can seldom see the stars in our world.

In bed that night, I held him close. I wondered if I held him tight enough maybe I could take him with me. But then Junmyeon doesn’t belong in our grey world. He needs sunlight and life, Sunday markets and cats to pet.

“Will you come back again?”

“I don’t know.”

The last thing I heard was a sweet and sleepy “I love you.”

I can’t be here hyung. I need to go, I need to get back to him. It’s awful that I am leaving you three behind, but I must go to him, for he is alone with no one. Most of all I need to tell him that I love him too, how many ever times as I can.

Take care of Jongdae hyung. I know I have been uncomfortable with whatever was between Minseok hyung and you, but I don’t mind anymore. I understand.

Goodbye hyung!

“Jongin! Jongin!” Minseok can be terribly loud when he wants to be. Jongin had had no choice but he open his eyes. He knew he hadn’t made it but it hurt all the same to open his eyes. The light in the glass box has been flickering but Jongin had hoped that it would last him a one way trip but it hadn’t. His eyes welled as his heart heaved in pain.

There in the windy balcony of a partially blown up tower, Jongin wailed while Minseok rocked him back and forth. Jongdae had waited for him to stop, then slapped him on his right cheek and walked away. Much later Kris had sat beside him in silence. After what felt like hours, he pulled out the letter and spoke for the first time.

“Tell me about him.”

Jongin didn’t think he had much to say. He had met Joonmyun twice and had hardly spent two days and two nights with him. But once he started, he couldn’t stop; the yellow walls, the radio, the flowering plants and the neighbor’s cat. Jongin spoke about everything but he couldn’t explain Joonmyun himself. He described his eyes and hair, his pale skin and tiny body, but the things that mattered the most, he couldn’t explain. Kris understood anyway.

The winter was coming and as always, the four of them hoarded food and firewood. Jongdae had been cool with Jongin but of late had started talking to him again. They have been doing this year on year but unlike in the past, they have all changed a little bit this year. Minseok had lost Luhan, Yifan had almost lost his brother, Jongdae had gained more Jongdaeness and Jongin had loved and lost. And among them, somehow life thrived feeding on their loss, pain, hope and love.

Jongin wasn’t sure if it was possible to die for himself and still live for the others, but he managed. Weighed down by memories of warm hugs and even warmer smiles, Jongin wondered how long he would last. Maybe he would have lasted for a long time while getting deader each year, maybe he would have gone insane and killed himself as Sehun had done. But one thing kept him going, somehow, the winter sky was always sparkling with stars.

 One day while he was gazing at the big dipper from the roof, he heard Jongdae shout for him.

 “You have a visitor.”

“Oh God, I found you, I found you. I didn’t know how the dream market works, but I was willing to try anything. I love you Jongin, I love you, please, please…”

Jongin pulled the tiny chattering Joonmyun into his embrace and tucked his head to hide him from the dead world he lived in.

“Shhh! My sweet brave Joonmyun! I love you too.”

He may not be able to give his love sunshine and cotton sheets, but he can hold him close and share his body heat.