Jaehyun had slammed me against the wall.

I could feel cold sweat forming in my back pressed against the wall. I keep my head lowered, my eyes trying to avert his gaze. Jaehyun looked at me intensely, piercing into my soul. His arms had me surrounded and I had no fighting chance.

“Jaehyun-ah please…” I could feel my voice trembling. It wasn’t fear but disgust. I know I shouldn’t have left things to lead to this. I don’t blame Jaehyun nor Ten. It was me who started all the confusion.

I raised my head slightly and looked into Jaehyun’s eyes. Maybe I was expecting to find solace in his gaze or even sympathy but to my disappointment, I could only see aggravation in his eyes- his deep brown eyes that had once gave me hope. His eyes that had once made me feel secure. His eyes that used to look at me with anticipation and bliss. I couldn’t see that in Jaehyun’s eyes anymore. I took it away from him.

“Hyung listen to me.” Jaehyun spoke in a rather cold tone. I quickly avoided his eyes and looked at the arms that pinned me to the wall. I could feel my head throb in pain, sweat trickling on the side of my face. I could almost hear my heart pounding. I was slowly starting to feel fear.

“Doyoung-hyung, I’ve been meaning to say this to you but you keep avoiding me.” Jaehyun said in a calm tone, trying not to scare me. He slowly inched his face closer to mine. I could feel his breathe now. “Hyung I lo-“

“NO!” I shrieked. My hands instinctively covered my ears. I closed my eyes shut and cowered in fear. I didn’t mean to freak out like that. But I couldn’t help it. “Don’t say it Jaehyun-ah” I quivered. I suddenly felt Jaehyun’s hands on my wrist and he forcefully held my hands against his chest. I still had my eyes shut, my head turned to the side. I knew Jaehyun was strong but I could have kicked him in the balls and dashed for the door but somehow my knees also gave up on me. “Don’t say it Jaehyun-ah… Please…” I was already a crying mess. I could feel his grip on my wrists loosened. I’ve never felt so pathetic before. I’m disgusted with myself. Why did the people around me have to suffer? Suddenly I had flashbacks of memories I had with Ten. We were happy, satisfied with the way things were. I couldn’t even remember how it all spiraled down to this.

Jaehyun had let go of my hands. My knees eventually lost all its strength and I collapsed on the floor, trembling and bawling in anguish. I loathed myself so much that I wanted to feel more pain. I wanted to feel worse. As if hurting Jaehyun and Ten wasn’t enough punishment for me. I wanted to die.

Jaehyun sat before me. He ran his fingers in my hair trying to soothe me. I suddenly missed his touch. The way he would run his fingers in my arm whenever he wants to cuddle. The way he cupped my face with his warm, smooth hands, pulling my face towards his and we would share this long, romantic kiss. But then Ten used to do that to me too. My memories are starting to trick me again. Now I’m not even sure if I shared those memories with Jaehyun or Ten. I started to feel dizzy, maybe because of all the crying. I could feel myself calming down. I slowly sat straight up while rubbing my eyes, warm and wet from all the tears. I feel so embarrassed because of the sudden breakdown. I feel a warm hand pressing against mine. I slowly scanned the person in front of me, hoping he would not judge me too much. But as I stared at the person holding my hand, I felt a strong jolt in my spine.

. I did it again.

I shuddered in alarm. It wasn’t Jaehyun that was sitting in front of me. It was Ten.