They were sitting at their usual table in the school cafeteria and the food was bad as usual, but that wasn’t an excuse for Jinyoung to look this blue. No, maybe blue wasn’t the right word to describe him, his friend was absent-minded, his thoughts wandering far away from where they were, away in the clouds, or maybe even higher.

“Jinnie” Shinwoo shook him carefully, he didn’t want to scare him “Eat your food” he said, trying to enjoy the dry steak they had gave them.

“Huh?” Jinyoung seemed to notice him just then, and then look at the food like it was alien “I’m not hungry”

“You never are, but you still have to eat” Shinwoo nagged him, placing a spoonful inside his mouth “What’s worrying you?”

“Nothing, I’m ok”

His friend smiled, trying to feed him a little more while he was distracted “Fine, don’t tell me then”

“It’s just that-“ Jinyoung started and his friend chuckled, so easy “No, you know what? Never mind, it’s not even that important” he finished the conversation stabbing his food with the plastic fork and avoiding eye contact with his hyung.

But Shinwoo wasn’t finished. He’d known Jinyoung for years now and he had only seen him so troubled a few times before, the frown on his face Jinyoung himself wasn’t aware of, the way he tended to clench his fists and how he seemed to like staring at the floor and inanimate objects way too much. The only difference between those other times and now, was that Jinyoung wasn’t telling him anything. He was never the type of complaining too much or oversharing, but he was his best friend and sooner or later he always told him everything that troubled him, this time though, it seemed that the time was never coming.

So what he did, he tried. He tried being a good friend and not being upset at Jinyoung spacing out so often, and he tried not to notice it when Jinnie gave him confused looks and he tried especially hard not to wonder what the heck was going on, because it wouldn’t help. So what he did, he changed the subject; every time he noticed Jinyoung acting weird, he would start with ‘safe talking’, meaning he talked about whatever thing Shinwoo didn’t think was related to his friend’s problem. So on Tuesday, when he was running out of ideas, he tried the obvious topic, the thing every person in the school was talking about: prom.

“Jinyoungie, have you thought about who you’re going to ask to prom yet?” Shinwoo asked it very calmly, but suddenly he wished he hadn’t, he just didn’t want to know.

Jinyoung glanced at him and then immediately stared at the pavement they were sitting on. Well, thought Dongwoo, if none of us want to talk about this, we better drop it. But Jinyoung didn’t drop it.

“I have, actually” he confessed, and for a moment it was like he wasn’t going to add anything else until he sighed “But it’s complicated, you see, I don’t think this person wants to go with me”

Shinwoo really didn’t want to talk about it, he didn’t understand why, if he was the one to ask in the first place, but his heart was starting to beat slower, it was starting to disappear.

“Why wouldn’t they? I mean, it’s not a secret that you’re… you know, attractive and that every possible person in this school has at least a minor crush on you” Like yourself, don’t you Shin Dongwoo? No. No.

Jinyoung laughed but it wasn’t gleeful, it was dark and bitter “Maybe you’re right” he told him, no need to be humble near his best friend “but this might be the only person in the school that doesn’t see me that way”

Shinwoo hated himself for what he was going to do. “No way, and even if it’s that true, I bet you can convince anybody with carefully picked words and a seductive smile”

“For example?” the youngest asked, suddenly more interested in the conversation.

“How could I know? It’s not me who’s drowning in dates” the hyung joked “I don’t know, maybe tell them they’re pretty or something like that, you can even lie to them if you need to”

“I don’t want to lie to this person, is a very special person”

Ouch. “Then be honest” he let go, but he couldn’t say another word “I need to go to my locker”

“Sure”

Shinwoo considered himself to be a good friend. In all the years of friendship he and Jinyoung shared, he never, not once, made him feel uncomfortable telling him about those feelings that were bothering him, that were crawling out of his chest. He never let his jealousy show every time Jinyoung had a date, or when he was in love, or when he was left aside for a romantic interest. He always put Jinyoung first, but not anymore. He just couldn’t stay there sitting in the schoolyard listening to that crap. If only for ten minutes, Shinwoo had to think about his own feelings first.

So he went to his locker and buried his head between the cold metallic walls and let himself breathe.

“Shinwoo” Oh god he was imagining his voice. “Shinwoo, Shinwoo get out of there”

“If you’re real, knock twice”

“Shinwoo I don’t have the time for this, I need a favor”

“What do you want?” Shinwoo tried not to look at him.

“I need to practice” Jinyoung seemed so full of hope “For the prom thing”

Dongwoo couldn’t believe it. Only it wasn’t his fault, he didn’t know. “Okay, what do I have to do?”

“Just listen and tell me if you think it’s ok or if I have to fix something”

“Right, sure” He couldn’t believe himself. Maybe he was a masochist. Maybe he needed to see a doctor, he probably needed to be fixed.

“Ok, listen” Jinyoung took his hands and held them tightly, his eyes looked at Shinwoo’s but he tried to avoid his glance as much as he could, but his eyes were like magnets “It’s been a long time since I can’t see you as a friend anymore, I think about you more than I’d like to, because you’re such a marvel to my life, the most special person I’ve ever met and…” his voice trembled a little, but his eyes were fixed on his friend’s “that’s why I’d like to ask you to prom”

That wasn’t an invitation to prom. Shinwoo told himself. That was a love declaration. But it was beautiful. And it wasn’t for him. It wasn’t for him and that killed him. It didn’t matter. He was going to decide what mattered from now on. He always put Jinyoung first, but not anymore. If only for a minute, Shinwoo had to think about his own feelings first.

“I’d love to go to prom with you” Shinwoo answered “Wear your hair up the way I like it”

And he sneaked out of there before he could regret what he just said, before he could take anything back. Jinyoung was left shocked in front of an abandoned open locker.

***

Jinyoung thought that he was probably the luckiest man alive. He didn’t even have to really ask Shinwoo to prom and now they had a date, a real date, and none of them was acting weird about it. Well, not that they were talking about it either. They were mostly making jokes about it, like neither of them could think that prom was a real thing, a this-is-actually-going-to-happen thing. They told each other about tuxedos and bow ties and they even joked about flowers, but that was the whole thing, jokes, only jokes. Because yes, they were going to go together (weren’t they?) but as friends, because those were the kind of stuff they liked to do. Joking.

So when Friday evening came and Jinyoung was doing his hair in front of the mirror (up, like Shinwoo liked it), he started giggling, because it was all so funny, and it felt good when he realized he never wanted to go with another person, and it felt even better when he thought that they might even dance together. Wow, that’d be cool. Shinwoo danced really well. They’ve done it before, playing. As a joke.

He walked the few blocks that separated his house from Shinwoo’s, and when he crossed a group of flowery bushes, he picked a flower for his friend, because he thought it was going to be fun when he saw it. Because, when he saw the blue flower, it immediately reminded him of Shinwoo’s lazy eyes.

When he was about to knock on his door, Shinwoo opened it. Jinyoung smiled to himself, he was always doing that, spying from the peephole and opening the door before he could ever get to the front door. He always knew when he was coming.

From the moment he saw him dressed up like that, wearing that lavender bowtie and his shiny shoes, Jinyoung knew he was lying to himself. They weren’t joking. At least he wasn’t. He hoped Shinwoo wasn’t. That none of them was. The itching in his chest felt as real as the accusing poor-looking flower in his right hand.

“You look amazing” he said it because he could stop himself. Good, you can’t think too much about these kind of things.

“You look gorgeous” Shinwoo smiled, he was looking shy but happy, and Jinyoung had the urge to hug him “Nice hair”

“My date likes it like that”

Shinwoo seemed less nervous by the minute. “Your date has such a good taste”

“Obviously, since he’s going out with me”

“Conceited”

“I know” Jinyoung laughed, and he held his arm just to feel him closer “Let’s go, honey”

Shinwoo knew this was his fault, because Jinyoung wanted to ask somebody else, but he didn’t have the time to feel any regret. And if Jinyoung had any kind of regret, he didn’t show it, he looked delighted (no, he looked delightful) under the colored lights of the dance floor and he didn’t seem to be looking for anybody else, his attention was all his, and Shinwoo thought that it might be a dangerous thing, since he could get addicted to it and never want to share it anymore.

A slow song started playing and Shinwoo tried to walk out of the dance floor, but Jinyoung wouldn’t let him, his arm was around his waist before he could notice, and his noses were too close for it to be comfortable. They could play pretend all they wanted with fast songs, but Shinwoo didn’t think he could control his emotions if he had Jinyoung in front of him while a sugary song sounded in the background. He just wasn’t that strong.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Jinyoung asked him, his grip strong around his body “This song is just too good, we can’t just ignore it”

Shinwoo flashed a sad smile before backing out “You don’t have to do this, Jinyoungie”

“Do what?”

“Pretend this way, I know you wanted to invite somebody else, I don’t even know why we are here together in the first pla-“

“I only ever meant to ask you to come. If I didn’t want to come with you, I wouldn’t have asked in the first place”

Shinwoo snorted “You were just practicing with me, I’m not stupid”

“No, you’re not” Jinyoung leaned on and peeked a kiss, only long enough to touch his lips briefly “You’re only too innocent for your own good, let’s get out of here”

***

They were close enough to the school gym to hear the music but away enough to be safe. They were still playing slow songs, but not Shinwoo nor Jinyoung could hear it, the only thing that reached their ears was the whispers of the other, the kisses of the other, they were sure they could even hear the hands of the other running down their backs. Shinwoo felt like he should say a lot of things, most of them that had been waiting to be said for so long he thought he had forgotten them, but on the other hand, he felt like the only thing he should be doing was to kiss. Kiss every possible part of exposed skin. His ears, his cheeks, his eyes, his neck, his hands, his nose, his lips, all of him. He craved him too much. Jinyoung craved him the same, they were tangled, they were hungry. This was not play pretend anymore, this wasn’t joking.

“I like you” Shinwoo managed to say in between all the kissing.

“And I love you” Jinyoung told him back, stopping for a while to admire him “You look so beautiful in the moonlight”

“Are you playing with me?”

“No, not anymore” Jinyoung pressed his lips into his, gently “I love you for real, and that’s the only truth”