If it had been some other person waiting at the porch in a hideous beach shirt, hands around the railings in an attempt to keep the barely-contained anticipation at bay, Jongin would have found it endearing. But it’s Sehun who’s standing eagerly by the door, a tall and lanky fashion terrorist with the glaring contrast of his solar yellow adidas backpack against his bright blue shirt, and any feelings of endearment fritter the second they make eye-contact. He can never take this guy seriously.

Sehun leaps off the stairs and has his hand around the door handle to the passenger seat before the car even comes to a stop, and Jongin barely manages to reach over in time to hold it shut. Sehun’s eyebrows arch, confusion spilling through. He mouths something along the line of what the are you doing and Jongin rolls down the window, shooting a grin at him, a dose of sweetness before what he has to say.

“Hey,” Jongin greets him cheerfully. “Take the backseat.”

“Why?”

“The passenger seat is taken.”

Sehun leans forward, squinting, though he would have seen the same thing without trying. “No it isn’t,” he says with his eyebrows arched even higher now. For a passing second, Jongin worries that they might stretch all the way up to his scalp.

“Uh.” He releases his grip and reaches for his backpack in the backseat while hoping Sehun doesn’t use the opportunity to steal the passenger seat. Fortunately, Sehun does exactly that, frozen in a great state of confusion which only compounds when Jongin dumps his backpack in the seat beside him and directs his gaze back to Sehun. “Now it is.”

The windows roll up before Sehun gets a chance to swear at him. He gets in anyway, after another moment to get over his bewilderment, ducking his head as he crawls into the car. The overpowering scent of cologne makes Jongin crinkle his nose.

“That’s a little excessive,” he informs Sehun who merely flips him off and pokes his head through the space between the passenger and driver seat to turn the radio on.

They resume their journey afterwards, and the next person they’re going to pick up is someone Jongin has been missing terribly despite having seen each other just yesterday in school. His heart lightens and flutters as the tyres roll over miles of rough gravel, until halfway through the ride when Sehun kicks the back of his seat.

“Hey.”

“What?”

“Do you mind picking Jieun up? She was supposed to hitch a ride from Minseok but Jongdae and his friend changed their minds and decided to join us so… Maximum capacity in that car.”

Something in Jongin sinks at the sound of that name. The only image that comes to mind is her tear-stricken face, nose red and eyes puffy, on the day Jongin told her it was over for them. He nearly forgets to make a left turn and swerves just in time, the screeching of the tyres shattering that image of albatross for him.

“Sorry if it’s awkward,” Sehun mutters after a pregnant pause.

Jongin sighs. “Should have thought of that before you decided to ask her along.”

“She’s my good friend, I’m not gonna ditch her just because you guys broke up. Anyway, you’re the one who initiated the break-up, so she should be the one who feels more awkward, right?”

Sehun’s face is too uncomfortably close to his. Jongin lets go of the gear stick to take control of the steering wheel instead so he can reach over to jab Sehun’s forehead with the other hand, the force throwing him back.

“Fine, but let’s just pick Kyungsoo up first.”

“Yeah, you call the shots.”
 

There’s nobody waiting at the porch when the familiar bricked walls flood his sight and Jongin sends Kyungsoo a text to let him know they’ve arrived. Jongin tosses his backpack back to the backseat in the few seconds Kyungsoo takes to respond, the door opening to reveal someone who still manages to take away Jongin’s breath even when he’s just wearing a turquoise tank top and beach shorts.

But then again, even if he had showed up wearing the exact same outfit as Sehun, he would have appeared every bit as charming in Jongin’s eyes. Jongin surveys the house quickly— looks empty again— and turns in time for his gaze to meet Kyungsoo’s when he pulls open the door to the passenger seat.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo says with a small smile that’s exceptionally blinding with the sunlight pouring in. He notices Sehun in the back and extends his greeting to him as well, but doesn’t question why he’s there because he knows Jongin well enough.

They get going only when Kyungsoo’s seatbelt is buckled and Sehun starts chatting him up the moment they do. Jongin tunes out from their conversation right from the start, his mind full of other thoughts, then realizes with a pang that Kyungsoo doesn’t quite know about their change of plans.

He cuts Sehun off mid-sentence. “Hey, uh, last minute change of plans. We’re going to pick up Jieun now.”

Sehun substantiates it for him and relays the same story to Kyungsoo who just nods, though the glance he steals at Jongin doesn’t go unmissed by the man himself.

It feels strange to be driving into Jieun’s driveway again having taken this route a thousand times before as her boyfriend and now as nothing more than a friend. Nothing but guilt surfaces; no hope of a possible reconciliation, just confirmation that it was indeed the right decision.

He hasn’t spoken to her since the day they broke up and it’s a little nerve-wrecking when he spots her familiar stature approaching their car. Jongin his dry lips, trying not to stare. Jieun’s always wearing dresses outside of school, so her cotton shirt and denim shorts draw his attention as she closes in, gets into the car and settles down besides Sehun.

Their eyes meet through the rearview mirror. Scorching guilt flares in the pit of his stomach and Jongin drops his gaze, his fingers tightening around the steering wheel. He can feel Kyungsoo’s eyes on him and it only adds on to the burning.

Nobody says anything. The silence is thick and uncomfortable, a complete change from just now. Now there are five passengers, including the elephant in the room.

“Chanyeol says they’re already on the way so we should probably be on ours too?” Sehun’s suggestion fills the silence, probably feeling just as awkward as everyone there, and looks back down at his phone when Jongin steps on the pedal and the car jerks forward.

The first 10 minutes is spent in silence, the stretch of road as bare as their atmosphere. Sehun is the one who starts the ball rolling, engaging Jieun in conversation and Jongin feels a load off his shoulders when the the radio ceases being the only source of sound in the car. He lets the conversation become background noise and finally spares a glance at Kyungsoo who has his face inclined towards the window, looking very untouchable at that moment. His fingers twitch, wanting nothing more than to reach out and touch him, feel his skin and find some comfort. But he keeps them locked around the steering wheel.

“Jongin, have you accepted any scholarships?”

Long tuned out from the conversation, it takes him a while to realize Jieun is talking to him. When he does, his gaze flickers to the rearview mirror and finds her already looking at him.

“Uh, not yet. I’m still thinking about it.”
 

“Oh.”

She offers him a small smile then and Jongin returns it immediately, his smile much wider. It reaches all the way to his eyes as the remaining bit of weight on his shoulders dissolves into the clear blue sky. She really is a great person— how many girls can initiate a friendship with someone who dumped them without explaining why? That’s the only thought on Jongin’s mind, who’s beyond grateful that he lost a girlfriend but gained a friend.

He starts humming to the song on the radio and the elephant makes its way out of the car. The car picks up speed after its departure. Kyungsoo looks at him again, and this time, Jongin returns his gaze. There’s no need to go to the beach to swim, or any waterbody for that matter. He can swim in the depths of Kyungsoo’s eyes.

It’s difficult to remember they’re not alone because the rest of the world just blurs out of focus whenever his eyes are on Jongin, but because his ex-girlfriend is sitting in the backseat, Jongin forces himself to be a little more considerate and breaks the eye-contact before it can escalate to a staring match (which he would definitely be all too willing to indulge in were they in a different situation).

“Are you bored?” he asks in a low voice, his question meant for only Kyungsoo.

“A little.” Kyungsoo answers just as softly.

He hands his phone to Kyungsoo who takes it with a perplexed frown.

“I downloaded a new game yesterday, you might find it entertaining.”

“Passcode?”

“1214,” says Jongin, who finds himself only capable of keeping his eyes on the road ahead after that.

His GPS informs him that they’re approximately 25 minutes away from the beach and he has Sehun convey that to Chanyeol, who promptly lets him know that they’re already ‘setting up HQ’ . It seems not many people are intending to go to the beach because traffic remains relatively sparse the whole way there, much to Jongin’s delight. There is nothing nicer than the thought of spending a quiet day at the beach with people he’s close to.

Sehun and Jieun are in another world when Jongin looks at them through the rearview mirror, laughing about something Jongin didn’t quite catch, doesn’t really care about, and the itching in his heart that has been calling out to him the entire ride finally wins him over and provokes him into action. He releases the gearstick and stretches his arm over to the passenger seat, to Kyungsoo who has sold his soul to the game, and covers the phone screen with his hand. It earns him a frown but Kyungsoo’s attention makes up for that.

“Is it fun?”

Kyungsoo lifts his eyebrows. “Not bad.”

Their wrists are pressed together, the entire weight of his arm on Kyungsoo’s, and he swears he sees Kyungsoo’s gaze flicker to the rearview mirror as if to ensure something before his fingertips dance across the expanse of Jongin’s skin lightly, teasingly.

It makes Jongin almost forget he’s driving again, something that has happened multiple times today, and his breath is hitched. Then Kyungsoo gives in to gravity and lets his fingers rest around Jongin’s arm, giving him a light squeeze.

Sehun’s invasion startles the both of them when he pokes his head through the gap without warning and Jongin tries to make their interaction look as normal as possible, as if he’s just helping Kyungsoo with the game, and for the first time today he’s glad that it’s Sehun in his car instead of Chanyeol who’s more observant about stuff like that.

“Are we there yet?”

Jongin glances at the GPS. “Almost,” he tells him.

“Okay,” says Sehun, and disappears out of direct sight.

They don’t risk doing anything suspicious afterwards; Kyungsoo goes back to being engrossed in the game and Jongin focuses on getting all of them safely to the beach.

He spots his group of friends from the parking lot and Sehun takes off like an arrow the moment he gets out of the car, followed by Jieun who can’t run very fast in her sandals, laughing as she chases him while trying to stop her sun hat from flying away. Kyungsoo returns him his phone at this point of time and Jongin tucks it into his pocket unthinkingly, just wanting to fall into step with Kyungsoo whom he wishes he could hold hands and listen to the sound of the waves with.

Baekhyun jogs over to Kyungsoo when they come into  close range and Jongin bumps his fist against Chanyeol’s, grinning up at him. Minseok greets them loudly with a beer in his grasp. Jongdae’s unidentified friend introduces himself as Yixing with a sweet dimpled smile that lingers when he looks at Jieun.

As promised, HQ has already been set up, a striped mat spread neatly across the golden grains of sand with picnic baskets and an icebox pinning it down. Jongin’s stomach growls and he’s suddenly really interested in finding out what’s in there, ready to devour everything as long as it didn’t come from Chanyeol because they got really bad stomach-aches the last time he tried to make them sandwiches.

He settles down into the most comfortable position he can find and hopes Baekhyun will release Kyungsoo from whatever story he’s telling him soon because he intends to spend his day with Kyungsoo by his side. Unfortunately, Minseok flops down beside him while Baekhyun is still very much caught up in his tale and Chanyeol takes the other side, and Jongin just has to accept that life can’t always go his way. He looks eagerly towards the picnic baskets instead, and after Chanyeol confirms that they didn’t come from him, Jongin stops holding himself back.

There are egg mayo sandwiches and cherry tomatoes and Jongin grabs an appropriate share, determined not to give in to one of the seven deadly sins—greed. It takes the rest some time to settle into a circle on the picnic mat that ends up proving too small to accommodate all 9 of them. Nobody complains about sitting on the sand, though Jongin internally complains when he sees Kyungsoo sandwiched between Sehun and Yixing. Jongdae suggests Ultimate right after they wipe out the contents of the picnic basket and Jongin rises to his feet, patting sand off his shorts.

Who cares about proper digestion and side stitches? Jongin catches the flying disc from Jongdae on the run— he’s not bragging, but he’s really pretty damn good at this— and expertly flicks his wrist, sending the disc back to Jongdae who then passes it to Minseok. They play as the holy trinity until the rest catch up, and then they get into teams. Jieun stays at the picnic map to guard their belongings, understandably not wishing to participate in a game involving a group of mostly athletic guys.

Jongin gets Minseok, Yixing, and Baekhyun on his team after drawing lots and they get into the competitive mode quickly, their level of hostility a little frightening for Baekhyun and Kyungsoo who are all too used to the tranquility behind a camera. They adapt quickly, however, and Kyungsoo proves to be pretty good too as he catches the disc from Minseok easily.

Chanyeol’s already waiting in the scoring zone and catches the disc Kyungsoo sends flying over, a little shaky but aimed in the right direction, albeit barely because Minseok attempts to intercept, and it’s a score. Scoring the first goal (or any goal for that matter) is definitely something worth being happy about, even for Jongin because it’s his Kyungsoo who made it possible. But when he sees Sehun pulling Kyungsoo close and throwing his arm around his shoulders, his smile fades. No, he’s not jealous. Definitely not. Jongin doesn’t do jealousy. He just thinks their enthusiasm is a little exaggerated and god, did Sehun really just pinch Kyungsoo’s cheek?

The game resumes and Baekhyun misses Jongin’s pass, probably startled by the murderous glint in his eyes. Sehun picks up the disc. He tosses it smoothly to Jongdae, who in turn passes it to Kyungsoo, and because Yixing is too short to intercept the high throw, Chanyeol singlehandedly catches the disc effortlessly.

For the second time, Jongin watches Sehun thank Kyungsoo for his effort by touching him too intimately for Jongin’s liking, his arms curling around Kyungsoo as he high-fives him.

It’s not something that has anything to do with Kyungsoo when Jongin raises his arm and calls for time-out. He just doesn’t like losing. His teammates gather and they strategize— Minseok marks Chanyeol, Yixing marks Jongdae, Baekhyun marks Kyungsoo, and of course Jongin marks Sehun. It’s nothing more than a rational decision since they’re around the same height.

They fall into their respective roles when the game resumes and Jongin does Sehun the honour of making him his siamese twin. He makes sure to stand right in front of Sehun to block any incoming disc, and it’s going pretty well until he spots Kyungsoo approaching them. Instead of standing in front of Sehun to intercept, Jongin wedges himself between the two of them in the few seconds Baekhyun takes to catch up with Kyungsoo, already panting. He smiles at Kyungsoo when Kyungsoo turns to look at him. It must have been a disarming one, because Kyungsoo doesn’t see the disc Jongdae sends flying over to him until it’s just right before of him and Jongin intercepts the pass easily, sending it flying towards Minseok before Sehun has a chance to steal it.

Strategies really are essential in games.

The game draws to an ends when Baekhyun’s body gives up, something Jongin doesn’t judge him for because he’s getting tired too, and he’s definitely not going to object to ending it now with his team in the lead. He laughs at the sight of Baekhyun who has collapsed onto the sand, well on his way to becoming a sand-pie, and then looks for Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo is talking to Sehun, just the two of them, and Jongin makes his way there immediately. He arrives just in time to hear Sehun telling him how good he is, that he hadn’t really expected it, and that he’s glad they’ve grown closer. Closer my .

“Hey Sehun,” Jongin cuts him off before Kyungsoo can form a response. “Chanyeol’s looking for you.”

“Oh, he is?” Sehun cranes his neck towards where Chanyeol is play-wrestling Minseok, and with a sigh, goes to look for him.

Now it’s just the two of them again, an arrangement Jongin likes.

He examines Kyungsoo who is covered in a sheen of perspiration, but he looks radiant and happy and the sight of him looking like that melts his heart.

“Are you tired?”

Kyungsoo nods. “Exhausted,” he says.

A bead of perspiration rolls down his temple and Jongin reaches forward so he can wipe it away with his palm, beaming at Kyungsoo.

“I’m glad you’re having fun.”

“Congratulations on your win.”

“Did I win your heart though?”

How different he is when he’s in love is something that surprises him as well. But he doesn’t mind his corny words. He’s literally filled to the brim with fondness for Kyungsoo. He’s not afraid to show it, and he wants to continue expressing his affection for a long, long, long time. He still has a lot of love to give.

Kyungsoo’s lips tug into an easy smile, just about to respond when a shout distracts them. They trace the source to Jongdae, who starts waving his arms once he has their attention, beckoning Kyungsoo back.

“Go ahead,” Jongin tells him.

“What about you?”

He looks towards the vast sea, eyes sparkling. “I’m going to swim,” he informs him as he peels off his shirt and digs out his phone and passes them to Kyungsoo who stays there watching after him. He watches the foam sweep over Jongin’s feet when he goes close enough, he watches the way Jongin saunters into the sea as it beckons him home, he watches Jongin become part of it. Then, with a small smile and a balled up shirt that doesn’t belong to him, makes his way back to the picnic mat. At this moment, there’s absolutely nothing that can tear Jongin away from the sea.

-

The sea feels thoroughly different from the pool he’s so used to swimming in. It’s so vast, he can swim forever and ever and ever if he wants to. There are no feelings of restraint. Somewhere clear and open like the sea is where Jongin feels most alive, his senses sharp and his heart warm. The noises from the beach bounce off the invisible wall erected at the boundary where the sand meets the sea and even Kyungsoo’s not really in his mind when he swings his arms forward and just swims, feeling the water.

Jongin’s not really good at anything else besides swimming. Sometimes he wishes he was better at other things, maybe academically smarter, maybe be able to play three different instruments, maybe pick up foreign languages quickly. But when he’s in the water, those desires burn to ashes. He doesn’t need anything else besides his gift in swimming. His passion makes up for everything he’s lacking. And this gift is something he would not give up for anything else.

He doesn’t swim too far out, not stupid enough to completely ignore the potential dangers even though he’s a very fit swimmer, and starts swimming back to shore when the waves start to grow aggressive and he feels the first raindrops. The sky has darkened significantly, dark clouds swimming across the surface, and Jongin surfaces from the sea regretfully. He really ought to do this more often. His mind is clear and he feels good.

Kyungsoo is the only person he has his eyes on when he hurries back to where his friends are waiting, still holding on to his shirt. He grants him a smile when he comes close and Jongin’s life can’t be anymore complete right now.

“Had a good time?”

Jongin’s teeth show in his grin. “Perfect.”

He tries to ignore Jieun’s insistent gaze on him and digs through his backpack for his towel, falling behind the group as he does. Kyungsoo stays right by his side, slowing his pace to meet Jongin’s. They make it to the pavilion where some other people have also arrived at to seek shelter from the drizzle that has now evolved into a heavy downpour.

“You think the rain is gonna stop anytime soon?” he hears Chanyeol ask Baekhyun.

“I doubt it,” replies Baekhyun in a barely comprehensible mutter.

Then someone tugs at his elbow. Jongin knows it’s Jieun before he turns to look.

“Can I talk to you?” Her face has gone serious, an expression Jongin is not used to. He gulps, wondering if he has done anything wrong, and follows after her wordlessly as she leads them to the other deserted end of the pavilion. He steals a glance at Kyungsoo who’s watching them too on his way there, and hopes it’s not because Jieun has found out about their relationship— not because he’s ashamed or anything, simply because it hasn’t been too long since they broke up and he has already hurt her enough. He doesn’t want to be the reason for her tears anymore.

Only now does Jongin realize her sun-hat is nowhere in sight. He regards her nervously without a single inkling of what she’s about to say. She, on the other hand, takes a few seconds to compose herself as her cheeks puff out.

“Okay, I’m just gonna be direct.” His heart thumps forcefully, jaw clenched. Whatever it is, it doesn’t seem too good. “I’m still really in love with you, Jongin.” That takes him by surprise. She looks straight into his eyes and all Jongin can think of is how different the girl standing before him now is compared to the one who confessed to him two years ago, who had been unable to even lift her head. “And I really hope we can get back together. I know you might need a little break from me now but I just want to let you know that I’m waiting for you, I’ll wait for you, and I’ll be really happy if you change your mind and decide to come back to me one day.”

Jongin drops his lousy eyes, his cheeks heating up. “I—”

“Don’t tell me I’ll find someone better. For me, you’re the best guy around. Not just any other guy will do, Jongin.”

He really wishes someone would come over and interrupt them now. His friends are never annoying at the right time. Quickly, he looks past her shoulder and sees them still huddled in the same corner, now drinking and talking. Nobody is paying attention to them— except Kyungsoo. When their eyes meet, the words come to mind. He keeps his gaze fixated on that figure and says, “don’t waste your time on me anymore, Jieun. There’s no way we can get back together.”

“Why?”

Kyungsoo’s face alone is enough to fill him with strength. He looks at Jieun again, and knows he has to say what he wants to say even though he would hate to be an and to hurt her like this. She’s already tearing up, and Jongin lets a moment slide before hardening his resolve. He has to.

“There’s someone I have in mind.”

She blinks away her tears, a look of surprise crossing her features. Apparently she had not been expecting that. “Is it someone I know?”

Jongin’s gaze flits to Kyungsoo again, and realizes he can’t lie. His feelings for Kyungsoo are something he will never deny even if it means Jieun will feel even more hurt. “Yeah.”

The background cacophony of the rain acts as a buffer as Jieun takes some time, takes all the time she needs, to internalize what Jongin has said. She forces herself to smile, evidently suppressing tears and the sight of her like this makes Jongin avert his gaze. Kyungsoo isn’t watching them anymore. He’s listening intently to whatever Minseok is telling them with a drink in his hands.

“Okay,” she finally says in a shaky voice. “I got it. Let’s go back.”

She walks away before Jongin has the chance to apologize, and it’s for the better because Jongin doesn’t really want to apologize when he thinks about it again. His feelings are not something he should have to apologize for. It is what it is.

They rejoin the group very naturally; nobody says anything to them or tries to inquire about the private conversation they had. Jieun goes to stand between Sehun and Yixing, and Jongin slides in between Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. Chanyeol shoots him a glance loaded with meaning and Jongin knows he’ll have to tell Chanyeol about his relationship with Kyungsoo soon, but it’s not now and he doesn’t really wanna think about it, can’t think about it when Kyungsoo is looking at him in a strange way.

He raises his eyebrows which Jongin interprets as are you okay? and he nods in response. Absolutely fine. Even if he isn’t, everything will be fine the moment he has Kyungsoo by his side. All of his problems will vanish like magic.

Jieun adamantly refuses to look at him and Jongin’s teeth digs into his lower lip cruelly, the guilt coming in waves. He practically has to force himself to remain rooted to where he is, hearing nothing but the thrashing of the rain. The sea. He wants to swim. He wants the water to comfort him. He needs to swim. He doesn’t realize he’s fidgeting, shifting his weight from one leg to the other until he feels the pressure on the small of his back.

An anchor.

The concern in Kyungsoo’s eyes is almost overflowing and Jongin doesn’t have to be in the sea to feel comforted now. He doesn’t have to go anywhere, Kyungsoo has brought the sea to him. The hand pressed to the small of his back coaxes him out of his restlessness as Kyungsoo rubs slow circles with his thumb, and doesn’t stop until Jongin can’t remember why he had been so agitated.

Chanyeol pays extra attention to them, but even he doesn’t stare too much this time, aware that he’s intruding on something extremely private.

They split the remaining drinks among them and twilight has long descended upon them by the time the downpour lightens into a drizzle. It’s difficult to imagine they had been playing ultimate and the sand dry not so long ago as they make their way back, Jongin dragging his feet along. Everyone agrees on ending the day here and even Jongin has to acknowledge he had fun before the rain dampened any further prospect of it.

Carpooling arrangements are different this time. Jieun walks over to Minseok’s car instead, resolutely refusing to be in the same vehicle as Jongin again, and Jongin tries not to mind so much that they can’t be friends anymore when just this morning he thought things could work out in a platonic manner between them. After they say their goodbyes, Jongin reverses out of the carpark with Kyungsoo in the passenger seat and Chanyeol and Jongdae in the backseat.

He definitely doesn’t still harbour any feelings for her, but there’s no denying how much it’s bothering him anyway.

The journey back is silent, the exhaustion drawing everyone into subduedness. He drops Jongdae off first, then Chanyeol, and saves Kyungsoo, the best, for the last.

Silence continues to surround them even after they’re finally alone, but it’s a shared one and the radio does its part at filling it up with pop music. When they reach Kyungsoo’s house, neither moves. The silence is not the only mutual thing— the desire to stay with each other for a little longer is too.

Kyungsoo lingers and Jongin simply basks in his presence. Just having this person by his side makes him feel better about everything.

“Do you want to stay over tonight?”

“Sorry?”

The darkness masks Kyungsoo’s expression from him. “Do you want to stay over tonight?” he repeats reluctantly, dragging out each word this time.

The same darkness hardly does anything to conceal the broad smile on Jongin’s face, one that falters slightly when he realizes his answer is not something of his will.

“I can’t, not tonight, my mom wants me home tonight.”

It’s the first time Kyungsoo has ever asked him to stay. It makes him want to slam his face into the steering wheel out of joy and regret at the same time.

“Oh.” Kyungsoo has always been pretty good at hiding his emotions, but the disappointment is thick in that single syllable and Jongin’s heart clenches as he contemplates defying his mother tonight. At most he’ll just get kicked out of the house— no biggie, right? “It’s fine then. Go home and rest well. Don’t overthink.”

He decides against it eventually. Kyungsoo would never allow him to do that anyway. He grabs Kyungsoo’s hand and holds it tight between his own, raising it to his lips as he lets his eyelids fall shut. His words went straight to his heart. Everything Kyungsoo does and says go straight to the core of his existence.

“Do you want to know what Jieun talked to me about?”

Maybe having their fingers intertwined gave Kyungsoo a much needed sense of security. It seemed to be all he needed.

“If it’s not going to change anything between us, then it doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t think anyone is capable of changing what I feel for you right now. You mean so much to me.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything. He’s not good with expressing his feelings, he doesn’t know how to get them across. But Jongin gets it. They never needed words to communicate. He thinks it’s because they’re from the same star, destined for each other before the beginning of time.

“See you soon,” Kyungsoo tells him instead, and Jongin uses the grip he has around him to pull him in and kiss his lips before letting go. He definitely wasn’t expecting Kyungsoo to lean in again, for one more kiss, always one more, but it makes his heart bloom. They kiss a little more and Jongin’s just getting into it when the vibration from his phone interrupts them.

It’s from his mom. He rejects her call and sends her a text instead  to let her know that he’ll be back real soon, not wanting anyone to penetrate their little bubble in any form.

“You should go.”

“Okay, sleep early tonight. I’ll see you soon.”

“Alright.”

Kyungsoo makes it out of the car and is just about to shut the door when Jongin calls his name urgently. He leans down, staring at him. Jongin hardly knows what to do with his feelings now. Everything else has been washed away by love.

“I love you.” Love. It’s not too strong a word anymore. If anything, he thinks his feelings for Kyungsoo go beyond that. He doesn’t know how well Kyungsoo will take his first outright declaration, and his response is one that leaves him feeling just a little disappointed even though he had already expected it. But he knows he just needs to give Kyungsoo a little more time.

“I got it,” says Kyungsoo, and shuts the door.

As always, Jongin doesn’t leave until the light in Kyungsoo’s bedroom comes on.

-

He meets Kyungsoo at the side gate instead of the club room tonight, spirits high from the therapeutic swimming session alone in the pool. The towel is still hanging around his neck and his muscles still a little tensed but Jongin hasn’t feel so relaxed since the day they went to the beach.

With a fancy little car like Jongin’s, there’s absolutely no need to walk home from school. The only time Jongin had taken this path out was when he had to send his car to the repair shop after running into a slight problem with the engine, also the day he first met Kyungsoo. Today, however, not driving to school was a conscious decision Jongin made so he can do what he’s doing now— walking home with Kyungsoo. Or rather, walking to Kyungsoo’s home to make up for not being able to stay over the other night. And simply because he wants to spend more time with Kyungsoo. It’s never enough.

Night has fallen around them but the flavescent streetlights prove sufficient in lighting their path ahead and Jongin glances quickly around him before reaching out for Kyungsoo’s hand, his smile enlivening their surroundings even more when Kyungsoo’s fingers curl against his willingly.

There’s no doubt about it. This is what they call first love. Except Jongin is resolute that Kyungsoo is going to take on the role of his last love as well.

He never thought he could feel this blissful, this happy just walking home with someone when the world is quiet and the moonlight soft around them.

Their footsteps are aligned and Jongin allows Kyungsoo to guide him down the unfamiliar stretch of walkway.

There is a question he wants to ask although he already knows the answer. Just for confirmation sake. Jongin refuses to take any chances when it comes to Kyungsoo.

“Are you mad that I was sad over her?”

Kyungsoo doesn’t need to ask him who he’s talking about.

“You dated her for two years,” he responds in a voice that’s even softer than the moonlight. “I think I would be more upset if you didn’t feel anything about hurting her.”

Jongin lets that sink in. It’s the answer he was expecting, but it still makes his heart feel fuzzy hearing it straight from Kyungsoo.

They wait for the traffic light to turn green before crossing the seemingly deserted road with their fingers still tangled, and Jongin finally understands why Kyungsoo likes walking home when they arrive before an alley that’s secluded from the world by a bricked wall.

Kyungsoo’s fingers slip away and Jongin’s frowns. A small shadow leaps off the bricked wall gracefully, startling him, and it turns out to be a cat when it steps into the radius of light. Only its emerald eyes are visible with its jet black fur, but they’re bright enough to make up for the rest of its body that remains shrouded in darkness. Jongin’s confusion eases into understanding when Kyungsoo squats before the black cat with a tin of catfood in his hands.

The cat regards Jongin warily. Jongin tries to remain as still as possible, breathing slowly, not wanting to scare it away. Kyungsoo has just managed to open up the tin when the cat loses interest in Jongin and purrs softly at Kyungsoo before lowering its face into the tin.

“Do you do this everyday?” Jongin asks in a low voice, afraid of startling the cat.

Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to have the same reservations. He looks up at Jongin from where he is, his eyes as bright as the cat’s with an amused smile playing on his lips. “I used to, but not so much lately since you’ve been driving me home.” Then he sighs. “I feel guilty about it, actually. Maybe I should—”

“We’ll come and feed the cat together every day from now on.” Jongin interrupts him before he can finish his sentence.

The cat pushes the tin forward slightly, the aluminium scraping sharply against the cement. Almost like acknowledging Jongin’s decision. Jongin grins down at Kyungsoo, who raises his eyebrows in return.

No longer afraid that his movements would scare the cat, Jongin squats down beside Kyungsoo. He fixates his gaze on Kyungsoo who was watching the cat, who turns to meet his eyes the moment Jongin grabs his fingers loosely.

“You’re such a good person, Kyungsoo.”

At that, Kyungsoo drops his gaze. “It’s nothing,” he says, his attention back on the oblivious cat.

A sudden thought occurs to Jongin. Heroes exist in many forms. Some wear capes and save the world from villains, some wear lab coats and race against time in hospitals, and some are not so overtly distinguishable. Like Kyungsoo. To others, he’s probably just an ordinary boy. But to Jongin, this kind hearted boy who feeds stray cats and enjoys photography and manga in his free time is anything but ordinary. He’s Jongin’s hero. He’s the hero who has saved Jongin from drowning under pressure again and again, the hero who makes Jongin want to be the best version of himself.

The words flow out before he can put them through a filter. “I want to protect you.”

Kyungsoo looks at him again, his eyes b with something unrecognizable. “I don’t need you to protect me,” he says, his tone flat and cold.

“I know,” Jongin says quickly, not wanting Kyungsoo to misunderstand.

They usually understand each other fairly well without having to resort to verbal communication, but it’s impossible for two people to be completely aware of each other’s thoughts at all times. This is one of those times. Jongin knows Kyungsoo has taken his declaration the wrong way and it must be a blow to his pride. But it’s not what Jongin meant at all. Just because he’s in love with Kyungsoo doesn’t mean he treats him as the girl in this relationship. He has never thought of Kyungsoo like that, never thought of him as Jieun’s replacement. She could never match up— not a single girl in this universe could, or any other person for that matter. Jongin sees him for the man he is, and he would never make Kyungsoo feel that his masculinity has been compromised. He would treat him like a man through and through, respect him as a man, but that doesn’t mean he can’t love and protect him the way he would a girl— the way he would a lover— things like that should not be constrained to a specific gender. Love is universal. Love is for all. And love will always perpetuate the same desire and longing.

Just because they’re together doesn’t mean either one has to fall into the role of the female. There shouldn’t be any traditional roles they have to fulfil in the first place.

He takes some time to string together his thoughts, not wanting to aggravate the misunderstanding. “I know you don’t need me to protect you, you’re strong enough to do that for yourself, but I want you to want me to protect you. I want you to want me to be here. I want you to want me.”

Kyungsoo does not say anything. Jongin rests the side of his face on a curled fist, watching Kyungsoo. When it becomes evident that Kyungsoo is considering taking an oath of silence, he nudges him with his knee.

“So what’d you say?”

“I thought letting you come home with me and doing the things we do was enough indication I did. I do.”

That answer sends a surge of energy through his body. Kyungsoo still refuses to meet his gaze, though his flushed cheeks betray his emotions. Jongin has never felt this amount of gratification. It could fill up the entire alley, the entire street, the entire world. Only Kyungsoo has the ability to make him feel this way.

He rarely gets to see Kyungsoo embarrassed and it’d be too much of a pity to waste this precious opportunity, so he nudges his knee again. “You do what?”

In all honesty, Jongin was expecting Kyungsoo to ignore him or try to divert the topic, but after a small pause, their eyes meet.

Despite the faint pinkness tinged across his cheeks, his gaze is unyielding and his voice steady when he mutters “I want you, too.”

Jongin becomes paralysed upon hearing that. He wants to grab Kyungsoo’s shoulders and kiss him fiercely to show him how much he appreciates hearing that but his body is not under his control now. His verbal function returns first.

“I needed to hear you say that,” he muses aloud, “just to confirm I wasn’t dreaming about everything that transpired between us. You do that to me, Kyungsoo.  I’m not going to deny the influence you have over people— you’re the sort who makes people want to get to know you for no rhyme or reason. But now that I’ve heard you loud and clear, I won’t get jealous so much anymore. Because at the end of the day, it’s me that you’d choose, right?

Despite having all of his words packaged and delivered as questions to Kyungsoo, they’re really meant for himself to address his own feelings instead. Kyungsoo seems to understand that as he nods.

“Right.”

They remain squatting side by side in the dim alley until the stars emerge in the night sky and the cat long gone, having melted back into the shadows after Kyungsoo’s hand as a display of its appreciation. This is where their hearts collide and become one.