Yoongi Pov

I keep flickering that lighter and staring at my cigarette box. I know that Jin hyung will nag me if he knew that I was contemplating on starting again. I know it's a bad habit but I started it when I knew I was falling for Ilta. With every SNS update of her and her then boyfriend, now husband back then, I would find an excuse to get away from the rest and light up a cigarette. Jin hyung knew because the smell from my clothes was stinking up our room but he also knew that I had no other outlet. It was either smoking, drinking, practicing to the point of exhaustion or just not sleeping from making music as a distraction.

Namjoon found the box one day when he was searching for an extra external hard disk in my drawer to stash his since the maknae was complaining that it took up space for his games. He threw the box in my face and Jin hyung had to pull him back. When that didn't work, Jin hyung had to call Hoseok along but with Namjoon overpowering both of them due to rage, both Jin hyung and Hoseok had no choice but to call the maknae line in as well for reinforcements. That was when everyone knew that my crush on Ilta was more than just a crush. They all knew that I found this girl on SNS and kept my identity a secret while chatting with her. At first, they were agreeable to it since they saw me being happier for some time as I got to release the stress I felt from being lonely however as time went on, Ilta became like a drug to me. A drug which I could not attain.

Namjoon was pissed at me because he thought that as a hyung who even advised him on the matter that went on with Zico hyung, I would know better but instead, I went on to wreck myself. Jin hyung was disappointed in me because he tried really hard to be there for me but I turned to other unhealthy avenues instead. Hoseok had no words to say because on one hand, he knew how it felt like to have unrequited love but on another hand, he got why Namjoon was pissed. The maknae line had their illusions shattered because they never saw me so broken before. Namjoon felt really scared as he felt me slipping away and I knew he feared to find me lying on the bathroom floor again but I couldn't control how I felt. 

There were many times that I wish I did not stumble upon Ilta, did not try to befriend her and most of all, did not fall in love with her but I couldn't turn back time even if I wish I could. The moment that I saw Taehyung's scared face after I awoke from my little "sleep" in the bathroom, I really wanted to change. If only to never see that look in my dongsaeng's eyes again, if only to never break Jin hyung's heart over and over again, if only to not feel this hate for my best friend, Namjoon and be close to him again and if only to actually be able to feel happy for Hoseok finding love with Jimin and Jungkook being happy with Loco hyung. I wished so much that I could turn back time but I couldn't so the only thing I can do right now is try to move on even I still want Ilta when I'm not supposed to want her. 

I heard the room door opening and Jin hyung came into the room. I saw his frown when he saw the pack of cigarettes and lighter in my hand. I told him that I was only contemplating but I will throw it out since I have came to the conclusion that I need to slowly move on if only to have my group back to happiness. He suddenly hugged me and rubbed my head. I was shocked but I couldn't help but slowly cry when he told me that he knows that he and Namjoon had gone overboard but they would rather for me to be happy even if it means me hating them. He starred at me in shock when I told him that I knew of his and Namjoon's intentions but I just did not want to admit it because that would mean admitting that I went overboard with everything that I felt even though I knew it was wrong. He just hugged me and continued letting me sob everything out before letting me know that Namjoon had gotten married with Zico hyung. He gently my head and told me that it is ok if I wanted to mope and wallow and process everything because Namjoon had found his happiness and he wanted me to find mine too after I recovered. I only nodded my head at him and let him to continue holding me like the omma he is while my head is swirled with thoughts of how my best friend actually eloped and found his happiness and I need to recover to find mine too.

The title of this chapter and this chapter itself was inspired by

AM Kidd's "I'm Not Supposed to Want You"

Watch the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKeLNTPxo9Q

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