seeing stars
seeing starsseeing stars I kaiaboo
word count I 4.7K
date I august 6th, 2016
She stood there watching him as he slowly drifted to slumber and smiled slightly. Krystal wasn't used to seeing idols in the company; managers and instructors usually didn't let the trainees in the rooms they were practicing in, yet here this one was.
'What was his name again?' She thought and slowly closed the door behind her, tip toeing to lay her backpack and water bottle in the corner of the room. 'Kai?'
She made her way toward him and sat down with her legs crossed, elbows on her knees, and head on her hands as she stared at the sleeping idol. 'Yes, this is definitely EXO.' She nodded and observed him.
As a part of her training she had to learn all of the artists under SM Entertainment and where everyone else thought it was the easiest class SM had to offer, she found that it was quite difficult. Then again she found most of the classes she had to take pretty hard. She was born and raised in San Francisco and hadn't mastered the language yet, making every class she took an obstacle. But despite the struggles, she had managed to learn all of the idols names and therefore was able to distinguish this particular one as Kai.
Krystal had found all of the EXO boys charming when she googled them to see what their different talents were, and to her, Kai seemed like the most hardworking one. She may have harbored a tiny crush on him but when the class ended, and she was thrown into hip-hop lessons, she never thought about him again.
She jumped a bit when she heard him drop his hand from his face to the hardwood floor; it pulled her out of her thoughts. She watched as he groaned and push himself up from the floor, his hands rubbing his eyes as he let out an adorable yawn. He opened his eyes and immediately stumbled to get up when he laid eyes on her. She smiled and waved.
"Hi," she said in English and he gave her an embarrassed smile. "I'm Krystal," she stated, this time in Korean and she stood up to bow. She has learned that everyone in Korea bowed as a sign of respect and that it was considered rude not to do so; it was still very strange to her, back home bowing just looked like you were someone's servant. He accepted her bow by nodding his head slightly, still looking at her. Krystal watched as he rubbed the back of his neck and knew that he was feeling awkward. "I'm sorry, I came to practice and you were resting so I didn't want to wake you." She said in her choppy Korean.
He seemed to pick up on her accent and gave her a grin. "It's okay," he spoke for the first time and she smiled back. "I'm Kai."
Krystal laughed. "I know."
He shook his head and chuckled. "So you’re a trainee?"
"Yep," Krystal nodded and ran a hand through her hair. "Is it okay if I sit back down?"
"Yeah," Kai said kindly and they both settled down on the floor. Krystal in her previous position and Kai with his legs stretched out, his hands behind him. A silence filled the room as they both tried to think of something to say. Kai cleared his throat and she looked up at him. "Uh, where are you from?"
Krystal gave him a cheeky grin. "I'm from the States. California to be specific; San Francisco to be exact."
He flashed an amused smile. "You're Korean right?" She nodded. "You have a really prominent accent." Krystal nodded again.
"Yeah, my parents never spoke Korean around me so I started learning it about six months ago. I apologize if I pronounce something wrong."
Kai shook his head and laughed. "It's okay, the way you speak is adorable." Krystal laughed as well and gave him a cute peace sign; the girls in her dorm called it aegyo. He laughed even more. "Look at you acting all cute."
"I'm always cute," she stated, finally getting over the awkwardness. Krystal glanced at the clock hanging on the wall nearest Kai and saw that it read 2:57 am. "Anyway, why are you here so late?"
"I could ask you that exact question."
"I'm here to practice, this is the only time I can do it without other people around."
"Same."
Kai would never admit this to her face, or to anyone else’s face for that matter, but Krystal Jung fascinated him.
She was so unlike anyone he had ever met.
There were times when she seemed so much older than him and others when he felt like he was babysitting her. She would come into the practice room carrying the strangest items and her camera. While he was practicing, she would take pictures of said items and —when she thought he wasn’t paying attention— of him. She would show him a video of the new dance she had to learn by the next day and he would help her practice it until it was time for her classes to start. Kai suspected that she rarely got more than two hours of sleep each day, but despite this she never seemed to be tired. She reminded him of himself when he was a trainee. He had come to learn a lot about her in the two months they had known one another.
First, that she would eat anything (her motto was ‘try anything at least once’) except apples because she was allergic and cucumbers because they were ‘ew.’
Second, she did not care that the other trainees gossiped about her and how she was not fit to be an idol. However, it did bug him for some reason and he made sure to let her know that she was going to blow everyone away with her voice. “And then I’ll disappoint them with my dancing.” She would reply while laughing.
Lastly, she brought out the best in him. He had noticed this immediately after their first meeting; he had to do a variety show the next day and everyone mentioned how much happier he seemed. He was no longer falling asleep out of boredom everywhere, nor was he being serious all the time.
He simply had to think about Krystal Jung and his mood became brighter, his performances had more life, and he no longer felt alone.
“Do you ever get tired of dancing, Kai?” she whispered one night as they lay on the practice room floor after an intense dance session.
He thought about this.
He’s tired of a lot of things.
He’s tired of people staring at him when he goes anywhere. He’s tired of being followed by photographers. He’s tired of being called the best dancer of the new wave of boy groups. He’s tired of being afraid of letting people down. He’s tired of being an idol.
But is he tired of dancing? “No.”
He stared at the ceiling and listened to her breathing.
“That’s good,” she sighed. “That means you really love it.”
“I do.” he replied. “It’s the only thing I have ever wanted to do in my life. It’s the reason I’m practicing until dawn; I want it to be perfect.”
“Nothing can be perfect, Kai.”
“Well, I want every dance to get as close to perfection as it can.” He sat up and looked down at her. “Is that not how you feel about singing?”
She closed her eyes and started humming the tune of his groups’ new song.
“Where did you hear it?” he was slightly shocked. Growl had yet to be released and he hadn’t practiced the dance in front of her. She opened her eyes and started grinning as she continued to hum. He just watched her; listening as her voice made the tune sound slower and somehow gave it more depth. He had not realized she stopped until he heard her laugh.
“The girls in my dorm found the leaked video and would not stop playing it,” she smiled. “You sound so boyish in your rap.”
“I didn’t want those lines, but since I am a part of the rap line I had no choice.” She sat up.
“Do you want to sing?” He nodded and she grinned. “I bet you’ll start singing soon. There’s something about your rap that makes it seem like you’re singing.”
He laughed. “Someday you’ll love to dance as much as I do and I’ll love to sing as much as you do.”
She smiled and shook her head.
“Kai, you’ll probably love both of those things more than I ever will.” She stood up and walked towards her bag, gathering her stuff.
“Jongin.”
She turned her head and threw him a smile. “What?”
“Uh, Jongin,” he repeated. “My name, my real name, is Jongin.”
She had finished packing up her things and turned her entire body to face him while smirking. “That’s very different from Kai.”
He chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. “I know.”
She threw her bag on and walked towards the door, turning around to look at him when she finally reached it.
“Soojung.”
And with that Soojung turned the handle and was gone, leaving behind a grinning Jongin.
Soojung was frustrated.
It had been three weeks.
Three weeks since the last time she got a dance right. Three weeks since she had eaten more than a pile of leaves. Three weeks since she had slept for more than an hour.
It had been three weeks since she had seen Jongin.
She knew he couldn’t do anything about it, but she was also feeling incredibly selfish.
“How do you just forget to mention that you’re going to be in Japan for almost a month?” she angrily asked as she tried to remember what the moves were for the current beat. When she couldn’t remember, she groaned loudly and gently kicked her water bottle. “Stupid Jongin.” She muttered and spread herself out on the cold floor of the practice room.
She had not realized just how much easier Jongin had made her life since meeting him. He helped her learn her dances faster and made sure that they were ‘perfect’. He’d make her nap in between dances so she wasn’t tired. He was always waiting for her with more food than both of them could eat and it was for that reason that her diet wasn’t working.
She was with him most nights and even when she wasn’t with him, she’d spend her time thinking about him.
Before Jongin, Soojung would just study and practice. She rarely slept and was constantly put on different diets. She hardly interacted with any of her roommates because they found her strange. Therefore, she didn’t really have friends. These past three weeks made Soojung see that Jongin was the reason that she wasn’t so alone anymore.
“That’s sad,” she laughed. “Jongin is my only friend.”
But something about calling Jongin her friend bugged Soojung.
“Soojung,” he groaned. “Come on, I already said I was sorry. What more do you want me to do?”
She just glared at him.
Jongin didn’t know what to do. Soojung had not spoken to him since she entered the room even after he explained that he had no idea he was going to Japan for a month either.
“Just tell me what to do for you to forgive me.” He instantly regretted his words when she grinned and he threw his hands up. “Wait—”
“I want to go to the ramen shop that’s on the other side of the street.” She said strangely soft-spoken.
He stared at her for a few seconds before chuckling. “That’s it?” he asked. “That’s all it takes?”
She nodded.
“Alright,” he obliged and stood up, offering her his hand. “Let’s go.”
They made it halfway out of the building before Soojung stopped them.
“Wait,” she grabbed his arm and they both came to a halt. “I changed my mind; this was a stupid idea.” She murmured as she looked down at the ground. He frowned.
“What are you talking about? Come on.” He grabbed her hand and started pulling her towards the doors. She refused to move and he sighed. “What is it?”
“What if someone sees you? I’ve never gone anywhere outside of this building with you, Kai.”
“Jongin,” he corrected, looking at her pointedly.
“What?” she questioned looking up at him.
“You called me Kai.”
“Oh,” she looked down again. “Sorry.”
“Anyways, it’ll be fine. It’s almost three in the morning; I doubt there’s anyone in there.” He said and grabbed her hand once again. “Plus, it’s a short walk, no one will notice.”
Soojung was in serious trouble.
She liked Jongin.
Jongin didn’t understand why Soojung was acting so strange.
Ever since taking her to the ramen shop, Soojung barely looked him in the eyes, avoided being in close proximity to him, and kept accidently calling him Kai. Not only that, but every time he tried to converse with her she was no longer as easygoing as before, she would hesitate before responding to him.
He couldn’t figure out what he had done that made her become so awkward around him. He sighed and looked out the window of the car, his eyes landing on a small park. He grinned.
Maybe Soojung needed a break.
“Wait, Kai, where—”
“Jongin.”
“Right, sorry, Jongin where are we going?” she asked as Jongin dragged her out of the building.
“There’s something up with you.” He threw her a suspicious look and she quickly looked away, blushing. “And I think that maybe you need to take a breather.”
“That doesn’t explain why we’re out on the streets right now.” She mumbled and he ignored her, choosing instead to continue leading her to the park he’d seen earlier.
It didn’t take long for them to stumble upon it and Jongin grinned proudly at Soojung when he noticed her eyes twinkle with childish delight.
“See, I knew you needed a break!” Jongin exclaimed and grabbed her hand, leading her to the swing set. “Come on, I’ll push you.”
Soojung hesitantly positioned herself in front of one of the swings and before she could change her mind, Jongin shoved her down onto it.
“Alright, I’m going to tell you what my sisters used to tell me when they would push me.” Jongin grabbed the metal chains and started dragging her backwards. “Look up,” he murmured into her ear and Soojung did. “You see the stars?” She nodded. “They’re yours for the taking, Soojung. Every single one of them.”
She gazed at them longingly.
“What about you? Don’t you get any of them?” She whispered and turned her head to look back at him.
He shook his head while memorizing every star his eyes landed on.
“I already took mine.” Then he looked down and his eyes connected with hers. “However, there is one more star I’m hoping for. But this star isn’t something I can take. I think,” he paused and Soojung held her breathe, waiting. “I think this star already took me.”
And before Soojung could respond, Jongin mumbled ‘look up’ and let her go.
She did look up.
She watched the stars and admired how stunning each one was. How each one coincided with another and another and another to make unique constellations. She knew she wouldn’t take all of them. No, some she would leave for others to do with them as they wished. Others she would leave because they weren’t meant for her, and Soojung can’t just go around snatching stars that weren’t hers.
Jongin pushed her and with each push she went higher and higher and higher.
He was trying to get her closer to the stars.
Soojung laughed.
Then Jongin laughed.
Both were laughing for different things.
Jongin was laughing because watching Soojung let herself go was breathtakingly beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that he just laughed and laughed. He was content by just looking at her.
Soojung was laughing because yesterday she had been stressing about trying to figure out which star she had to catch and how she was going to go about it. She’d been overthinking it and now she realized how silly she had been to worry about catching her first star.
She’d already caught it.
So she let go of the chains and jumped off the swing.
She was aiming to land on her feet, gracefully, but the result had been quite the opposite.
Jongin came running to help her up, but Soojung’s laughter increased and he ended up sprawled out on the floor next to her, laughing right along. They were finally able to quiet down after who knows how long. But when the silence enveloped them, Soojung sat up and Jongin followed.
“The star that took you wishes she was sorry.” Soojung looked at him and grabbed his hand. “But she’s a very unapologetic star and you basically threw yourself at her with your charms, so really you should apologize to the star.”
“I’m sorry.” Jongin grinned.
“I’m not.” Soojung smiled. She brought her hand up to the back of his neck and pulled him towards her. “I’m really glad I walked in on you sleeping in that practice room.” She whispered while bringing him closer to her until he was centimeters away from her face.
“Me too.” He whispered back and closed the gap between them.
Their relationship changed slightly. They flirted and held hands and kissed and maybe just maybe they did a little bit more than what was appropriate in a practice room. Of course Jongin still helped Soojung with her dance routines and made sure she slept and kept feeding her because even though they were together now, the life around them was rotating the same way it always had.
Soojung wishes she could stop the world for them to just have one moment where she could stare at his face and memorize every part of it. Really, she could do it now, but she’d be losing time she couldn’t afford to lose (Jongin’s words, not hers).
Jongin wants Soojung to succeed so she’s able to be with him forever. It may be selfish, but he can’t imagine a world without Soojung by his side and for that reason she needs to debut. He knows everyone will love her, but he doubts anyone can love her as much as he does.
And just like that, a year goes by and Soojung can learn an entire dance in less than an hour without Jongin’s help. They continue to have their practice room dates and on special nights when the stars are visible and there’s a certain magic in the air they wander around Seoul. Jongin has to wear a disguise and Soojung is just herself and it’s lovely. Jongin has to go away for schedules and Soojung goes to visit her parents and those weeks are full of late night/early morning phone calls, video calls, and text messages. Soojung’s dad, mom, and sister want to meet Jongin and Jongin’s entire family already knows and adores Soojung, but other than that it’s still a secret to everyone else.
Jongin loves her more than he ever thought was possible and he can’t put it into words, because love is an abstract concept, but she’s his star and he can’t believe that some nights. He finds himself staring at her with such fondness and wonder and admiration and Soojung makes fun of him for it, but he’s so incredibly enamored with her that he doesn’t care if it’s obvious.
Soojung is only truly content when she’s with Jongin or she’s taking pictures or she’s eating. And on the days she’s eating and taking pictures with Jongin beside her she wants to jump and scream and let everyone know how happy she is. Soojung is so genuinely herself when she’s with Jongin that when he’s gone she feels like she’s suffocating, her present lifestyle is not ideal to her. Jongin is the only light in her fading world.
She’s had time to think about this. Soojung knows she’s not entirely happy with her life at the moment. When she had decided she wanted to try being an idol, she had no idea what she would have to give up. And at first she was fine with it. She could handle having to leave her whole life behind her to create a new one thousands of miles away from her family. She could handle not eating what she wanted when she wanted. She could handle the iness and catty glares all the girls threw at her. She could handle pretending to look like someone else for a second. Krystal Jung/Jung Soojung, could handle most things— but she can’t handle being unhappy when she knows she can remedy it in an instant.
She was placed in a potential girl group.
She was going to debut.
And Soojung wasn’t happy with the idea anymore.
“Where are you taking me, Jongin?” Soojung questioned as messed with the car’s radio. Jongin had showed up to the practice room with a giant grin and before she could question him about it, he grabbed her hand and dragged her outside. Next thing she knew she was inside an unfamiliar car and Jongin was driving. “And when did you get your driver’s license? You told me you failed.”
“I lied.” He shrugged and she frowned.
“Okay, well, congratulations. That’s all you get since you decided not to tell me. So, where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise and we are almost there so I need you to wear this.” He took one hand off the wheel to reach into the back seat and handed her a small bag. Soojung took it and pulled out a blindfold mask.
“Why do I have to wear this?”
“Because it’s a surprise, Soojung, and I promise you’ll love it.” She hesitated for a second before sighing and putting it on.
“It better not be anything weird!” she exclaimed and Jongin just chuckled.
As she sat there, not being able to see anything, Soojung thought about how she would tell Jongin. He wasn’t going to like it. Honestly, she wasn’t too keen on the thought of having to leave Jongin, even if it would be for a little while, but it was something she had to do. He was going to have to accept that and she would just have to pray to the stars that he’s there for her when she comes back. It would break her if he decided he didn’t want to wait for her.
She loves him she loves him she—
“I love you.”
She can’t see it, but Jongin turns to look at her with his soft eyes and they sort of glaze over and the street light is bouncing off of them so it looks like they’re sparkling and he has this little grin like someone just told him there’s a puppy around or he just mastered a dance and that’s his Soojung look.
“I love you too.”
And she can hear the sincerity and fondness and pure love in his voice.
And she can feel her heart missing him even though he’s right next to her.
Jongin is dragging her into an elevator and Soojung is squeezing his hand so tight it might be turning purple, but he’s too excited to care. There’s a ding and the doors open and he leads her out. They stop and Soojung hears him mumble some code and the pressing of buttons, then, the sound of something unlocking and they take a few steps before he’s pulling her blindfold off and Soojung looks around. Jongin is watching her, trying to gauge her reaction, trying not to think about her not liking it, but now she’s staring at him and his heart sinks.
“Whose apartment is this?”
“I,” he pauses and awkwardly rubs the back of his neck, “I bought it. It’s mine. I thought maybe you could stay here too. I mean, only if you want to, but you don’t look too excited so I’m guessing that’s a n—“ Soojung has to kiss Jongin for him to stop talking.
They don’t really talk for the next couple of hours.
It’s only after they’re lying side by side on the bed, in complete bliss, that Soojung has the courage to tell him.
"Jongin, I'm leaving soon."
"What?"
"I'm going back to San Francisco."
He frowned and sat up, the covers falling and revealing his golden chest. "Why?"
She sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "I thought that this was what I wanted; I'm happy singing and dancing but this isn't what I want to do."
Jongin gulped and stared at her. "What is it that you want? Do you know?"
There was a pause as Soojung thought.
"I want to travel and take pictures and sing for myself. I don't want anyone knowing who I am because they won't really know me." She smiled sadly. “Hell, there are days I don’t even know myself.”
"When are you leaving?"
"I don't know," she shrugged. "I just know that I'm going in there one of these days and telling them that I'm very thankful for everything they have given me, but I'm done."
"I don't want you to leave." Jongin stated simply.
"I have to." She said numbly and grabbed his hand. "I don't belong here."
"I love you, you can't leave me Soojung."
She squeezed his hand and then let go.
"And I love you," she sat up and grabbed his face with both hands. "I'll come back Jongin. I promise you that I will, but I need to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life. I've been here, next to you, watching you live out your dream and I think it's time that I go out there and live out mine. I think I owe it to myself."
Jongin knows he can’t stop her. So he nods his head and pulls her towards him and he just holds her the entire night.
And Soojung really does leave.
Jongin has a schedule that day that he couldn’t get out of, but he does send his mom.
And Mrs. Kim makes sure Soojung eats enough before her flight and kisses and hugs her probably more times than Jongin would have and Soojung cries.
She cries because the thought of leaving Jongin hurts.
She cries because she’s leaving the same way she arrived, with a pink duffle bag full of dreams.
She cries because she’ll get to see her family soon.
Mrs. Kim embraces her until her flight starts to board. Then she cleans her face with the sleeves of her shirt and waves until Soojung is out of sight.
A day turns into a week.
A week turns into a month.
A month turns into a year.
And Jongin walks into his apartment one late night/early morning and Soojung is standing there covered in small golden star stickers.
He stares at her trying to remember if Soojung had mentioned she was coming back in their last conversation and he’s pretty sure she didn’t.
“Weren’t you in Madrid yesterday?” he asks, confusion very much apparent on his face.
“I was.”
“And aren’t you supposed to be somewhere in Portugal right now?”
“I am.” She smiles and he rubs the back of his neck.
“So why are you here now?”
“I’m done,” Jongin just stares at her. “I caught so many stars I’m pretty sure the night sky is looking a tad bit bare. But I realized that no matter how many you catch, it doesn’t compare to the feeling that first one gave you.” She walks towards him and pulls off one of her stars. She places it on his nose and she can’t help but giggle because it’s funny and she’s Soojung. “Nothing compares to you.”
Jongin gives her that look, and this time she can see it. He’s looking at her with his soft eyes and they’re sort of glazing over and the moonlight is bouncing off of them so it looks like they’re sparkling and he has this little grin like someone just told him there’s a puppy around or he just mastered a dance— his Soojung look.
“I love you,” he says.
“I love you too,” she responds. “You like my stars?”
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