"Leave me alone, for goodness sake."

"But Ruka, I wanted to be there for you! I like you so much and I want to prove it to you!"

A typical scenario in my everyday life wherein a certain person would actually confess his feelings towards me and I will be listening to it and immediately make a decision about it. Usually, I cringe whenever I hear certain confessions, wondering why people end up having a thing for me when all I do is exist and be my apathetic, cold and lifeless self and someone who gives advices and listens to those who are in need.

"Why do you people like me anyway?" I looked at the guy in front of me while he continued to chase me as I go on my way home.

"Do you really need an explanation? I just do. It is hard to explain. I have a crush on you, Kai. I am willing to stop looking at dating sites just to be with you." He said to me in reply. I rolled my eyes at him because of how pathetic that seemed.

"Crush, eh? That is just a shallow emotion and I am not hindering you from looking at other girls. Aaron, shut up, will you? You just said all those things because you are lonely. You wanted the idea of being in love, not wanting only love alone." I sighed and stopped for a moment, getting fed up with his illogical reasons.

"I gave my everything to my ex-girlfriend and she left me because she does not deserve me, according to her. I was devastated and I loved her so much. I would to everything I can for you, Ruka. It will be like the way I did to her." He was panting, probably sighing in relief also because I stopped after minutes of walking in a fast pace. Talk about someone who has an above par general activity.

"That is exactly my point. You are currently lonely and you wanted a mere replacement of what you cannot have. It just so happens that I am the only one around so you are doing your best to pursue me. If there are other girls aside from me, you would not waste your time pursuing me. Knowing your reasoning and how you mention your ex constantly makes it clear to me that you only need a fill-in girlfriend to lessen your loneliness." I said without even having second thoughts. "I am not a mere replacement of what you cannot have. Do me a favor and leave me alone for good." I continued, nonchalantly. These are the times wherein you cannot actually stop me from saying anything.

Aaron did not say anything and I left him dumbfounded. Thus, I dumped another guy before he could even court me. I am not proud of having suitors. In fact, I only want someone to remain. And by someone, I mean, a certain person who would make me experience what love is all about.

I have always wanted to fall in love and be loved in return. Yes, I am in love with the idea of being in love, but not yet in love with someone, if that makes sense. Because after all, falling in love does not happen instantly. I do not believe in love at first sight, but rather attraction. How can you fall in love with someone you barely know, after all?

As I think about that crazy thing called love, I ended up in front of a coffee shop and I had no choice but to enter. I have a lot of time to kill so, why not?

The thoughts continued to linger in my brain and the past continues to haunt me. Nevertheless, I distract myself by reading manga on my laptop, which I am interested in. It has been my current escape in loneliness and it feels as if I am able to travel from one place to another and experience what love is all about just by reading.

I am currently browsing "Give Me Your All" or in Japanese it is entitled as "Zenbu Choudai". A story about a girl who is so full of herself because she knows that she is beautiful, smart and everything that a girl can ever dream of. Even if she is arrogant, I still considered her as a representative of me. Aside from that, she has also high standards for guys. Well, she has the right to have one because of her characteristics. I mean, who would not want to be with someone like her who is almost a little too perfect?

I believe that all girls should set high standards for themselves when it comes to finding the right guy and not settle for anything less. We are not born to chase men and we are to be pursued instead. Having high standards is not a bad thing. It is an awareness that you deserve something great and the man who is meant for you will actually reach or even exceed your expectations and you just become who you are, making yourself as a person who is easy to love and makes herself the right woman rather than being perfect. After all, perfection just an overrated and exaggerated adjective which is abstrue and cannot be easily put into actions.

It is amazing how the protagonist Sakura Himeko changed my perspective as a woman. Back then, I have low self-esteem and I often think that I am ugly. But as time goes by, I made myself more beautiful but do not get me wrong. It is not that I am doing this for guys to notice me but rather, I am doing this for myself. If you cannot keep moving forward and refrain from loving yourself, who would? We cannot depend on other people to love and complete us wholly. We also need to love ourselves. I still do not get it why but maybe someday I will know.

Nevertheless, I am proud to have high standards because I know that any guy would be lucky to have me. But I have to admit that because of how high those are, it would be difficult for me to find someone who will exceed or at least match them.

Qualifications of an Ideal Boyfriend by Ruka Kim:

1. Someone who can remove how bratty and I am. Otherwise, you are not my cup of tea.

2. Someone who can play instruments or at least sing. I want to have a duet with him or have a jamming session from time to time.

3. Someone who has a mature way of thinking. I have a mature perspective in life and I have no time for immature people.

4. Someone taller than me. Well, that is easy because I am only 150 cm.

5. Someone who does not care what I look like. Whether I am wearing make up or not, boyish or girlish or maybe in between. My blood type is AB after all and we are referred to as people with split personalities, having both traits of A and B.

6. Understanding. I am a future law student and lawyer in the making and of course I will be busy. Nevertheless, I will still make time.

7. Someone with beautiful eyes and fair akin. That is the first thing I would notice aside from other facial features.

8. Anyone good looking or with a foreign blood so that if we have kids, our genes will definitely be a good combination.

9. A guy with a cold aura facade or personality but has a soft heart after all. If you guys know who Kim Myungsoo is, you will get what I mean.

10. Someone who can keep up with my craziness and randomness all at the same time.

11. Someone who is open-minded but not only interested with doing the three-letter word.

12. A guy who can allow me to become childlike. I am tired of being matured.

13. Someone with good grammar. I am a grammar nazi after all.

14. A KPOP fan boy, preferrably. Or someone who at least listens to that genre. Or if not, someone who understands my love for it. I have a lot of KPOP idol crushes.

15. Someone who types text messages properly. I do not want someone who "typ3s l!k3 d!s".

16. In terms of age, I prefer at least 17 years old. Specifically 17-25 years old. I do not want someone too old or too young for me.

17. Anyone who I can tell anything. From my daily routines to the thoughts that randomly enter my brain.

18. Someone who almost or has a the same traits and personality as me so that we would have empathy for each other.

19. Someone who is down to earth. I hate those who act like they know everything.

20. Someone who is a jealous type but in a moderate manner. I want a guy who is afraid of losing me.

21. He should be someone who does not care too much about physical appearance. I am not as beautiful and attractive as those models you see in television.

22. Someone who is cold and does not flirt with anyone but is a sweet guy towards me. I am also a jealous type. What is mine is only mine alone.

23. I want someone who is dependable. Independent people like me also need someone to lean on after all.

24. A guy who is full of efforts. For once, I want to be the one being given full effort to.

25. I hope my first boyfriend will be my last.

__

See how high my standards are? I might end up being single for the rest of my life because of that. But despite the worries and fears that I have, I still believe that I will find my other half someday.

I left my stuff for a while and I went to the counter to buy some latte to keep me alert and awake. I forgot that I was so sleepy since I have not gotten enough sleep these past few days. That makes me want to think that it is the reason why I am thinking and contemplating about my life. Stress, overthinking and emptiness continued to linger over me. Can this day get any worse?

After ordering, I went back to my seat and read my manga once again to kill my time. I wish I have an Ozama Ren in my life who is the partner of Sakura Himeko in what I am reading. Someone who can match my standards and is the perfect guy for me.

I opened my eyes a little and saw myself at a different place. Everything seemed blissful and perfect. The worries, stress and negative emotions were somewhat gone and it seems like happiness had taken over. Consider my reactions weird and unusual, but to me, I am much more surprised when something happy comes my way rather than sadness coming along. I am not being negative, rather, I am realistic.

"Why am I in this kind of place?" I was flabbergasted, rather than astounded. Everything seemed abstruse in an instant.

"Ruka, is that you?" Someone called my attention. To my surprise, he pulled my closer for a hug and all I can do is remain stone cold as a statue, letting thoughts and the rest sink in my cerebration.

"I... I..." I was stuttering so much that time and I did not know what to do. All I know is that everything seemed too good to be true.

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