FOR KNIGHTS OUT REVIEW SHOP (no longer open)

 

Note : These are my opinions and my interpretations of the story. I’m going to be as honest as possible – these distinctions mean nothing about you as a character and are not intended in any way to be personal attacks on the author(s). Also, please keep in mind that, because there thoughts and interpretations are mine, there may not be things which you agree with, especially you know what you want to write and I have no idea what your intent was – I only know the message as it came across to me. For anyone who is reading this and has not read the story: spoilers.

Word Count – 1,077

Title – 7/10

It’s a cliché.

I definitely think that it is relevant and has a direct connection to your story. However, there’s nothing special about the title in itself; no little ring when you say it aloud, no specific allusions to anything. Personally, I don’t think that I would have been drawn or inclined to reading your story solely based on the title, just because it’s the type of title which has the plot of lots of other stories.

Aesthetic/Foreward – 8/10

As far as the poster is concerned – I like it. It includes our mains, it’s simple, it sets the right tone for the story. Additionally, I think it’s strong that she’s smoking – I ‘m not sure why, but that really struck me and stood out when I first saw your poster.

Foreward – It has a lot of nice vocab – stark, tame, filial  - however, the way that you phrase your words is a bit awkward. Although the words creates eccentricity, drawing the reader in, it’s slightly bogged down by the way that the foreward seems forced.

The blurb at the end – I can see where it’s going, I can see that it’s not “good” (in terms of plot not writing)

However, the feel that I’m getting from this is a bit cliché – it’s going to be a marriage/friendship catastrophe, is it not?

Also, I can’t help but feel that the very ending of the part “she uttered these shocking words”
            These words just felt forced to me.

Overall – nice dramatics (although sometimes it’s a bit overdone), but it was interesting, it caught my attention, etc.

Plot – 20/25

I like the progression – it’s moving along; it’s not dragging out insignificant details; it’s flow is at a good pace overall. However, like I mentioned before, it’s a bit of a cliché. I’m not against clichés themselves – as people use clichés because they are “good” and “interesting” plots with and of themselves. The danger of using a cliché comes in that – it’s way easier to directly compare your story and your writing to another story by a different author with maybe different  characters, but of the same plot. In your case, you do not fall behind others, but there is not yet anything that made it POP especially.

So far, we haven’t gotten much busting – just a lot of background on the character relationships and how things are seeming to look. I hope the drama is well developed, but as of now I don’t have too much more to add on plot.

Characters – 18/15

There are multiple aspects of the characters which I like.

Michelle is rebellious, Yixing is caring, Luhan is the perfect man, and Liling is the perfect counterpart.

I like that the childhood friends idea sets up naturally as a love triangle; I also don’t think it’s too cliché.

However, I think that what you try to do a lot of the time this : to make the scene more dramatic, you write in extremes, but the extremes change too fast. This has more of the effect of making the characters seem shallow rather than the emphasis on the dire situation at hand.

The last chapter you have right now – the scene with Liling and Luhan – was not exactly my cup of tea.

Luhan is conflicted – it’s a reasonable-ish conflict to have. However, he fluctuates too many times for him to be portrayed as a complex character. He is drawn in this way which makes him more impulsive – he sleeps with Michelle, but he supposedly loves Liling, and then Liling kisses him, but he’s thinking about Michelle.

I know the point is to make him have a conflict, but it reads off as if he is merely an impulsive and indecisive character.

Same thing with Liling – she was mad at Luhan and how he was against nice man Yixing, and the minute Luhan claims to love her, she melts. I am not seeing much depth in the development of the characters.

This is just one scene – there are parts where I really liked seeing Michelle reveal her caring, non-façade side, and Yixing is very interesting.

I like him – he’s supposed to be subordinate, but he is very borderline insubordinate, and I think that makes him all the more interesting.

As of character development, the story hasn’t developed, so I can’t say much, but that’s basically what I’ve noticed thus far.

Style – 19/25

Overall, I like your style. It’s not merely rudimentary, and it has a nice tone and vocabulary. I think that it does what it’s supposed to do well; it tells a story, and the story is neither confusing nor boring.

There’s a lot of dialogue. Sometimes, if you included a bit more about what the characters thought or spent some more time describing the setting even, it would help enrich the story even more.

Another thing (I think the root cause of this is because theres a lot of dialogue and not much anything else) – sometimes the reading seems a bit choppy. It doesn’t always flow from one scene to the next. I appreciate that you are not dragging on the plot, but it’s good to make a nice balance. Sometimes, its good to have some chunks of this bar and what it looks like or oh Michele was a little tired today to help with transitions.

Enjoyment – 3/5

Overall, I liked the plot. I liked the characters. I like your writing. It just doesn’t do anything special. Now I’m not calling that bland, and I’m not criticizing the writing as a whole in any way.

I think this is mainly because I had so little to work with, because the story hasn’t exactly hit the accel yet, but I hope it’s getting there!

Looking forward to how it turns out – Good luck!

Overall – 75/100