Mark phone buzzes, so he finishes writing his sentence on his computer before checking the message.

'U read one piece last chapter? O.O' Mark smiles. Jackson is a dork.

'In the bus this morning' He answers. Jackson is a dork and Mark likes him a lot.

'His dad is a bastard, I wanna kick his è.é' comes the answer a few seconds later. Mark likes dorky people. Jackson just happens to be one of his favorite.

'Good luck :p' What is he even supposed to reply, he wonders, getting back to his work.

His phone buzzes again, and Mark sighs, grabbing his phone again. At this this rate he will not be able to finish writing his report on Sweden's environmental policy by 5pm.

'U wanna come over after work? Yugyeom will be here around 9 so I thought we could eat together before I leave. I can pick you up.' His workload almost made him forget it was today his friends were leaving for Busan Sea Festival.

'Sure” He texts back, then he adds 'You're the wicked bastard, don't tease me about that'

'I'll send you pics ;)'

*

They have been best friends for years, but when he notices Jackson waving at him so that he knows where he is parked, Mark's heart gives an unvoluntary clench. The bastard has too much charms and a two-weeks break from him should not have made Mark forget about that. Jackson does not comment on the way his button-up shirt is pressed, nor how his shoes are polished, but Mark is painfully aware of how unusual it must be for the other to see him dressed up for work. Mark feels handsome, he's been feeling good about his self lately, so Jackson is not allowed to look attractive in a casual tank top and random matching shorts. They do their usual handshake – some complicated Jackson decided they should do whenever they meet, and the younger man drives them both to Jackson's apartment.

Mark lets the other ramble about his holidays at his parents' in China, zoning in and out to give appropriate nods and to put food in his mouth. He is tired, he has been going off work late this week and he is content with just listening. Jackson knows him like the back of his hand so he does not comment, filling the silence with cheerful chatter across the table. Mark is greatful, smiling to himself.

Later when they sit on the couch to watch an episode of Game of thrones (because Mark is late and Jackson will make him watch e.v.e.r.y .i.n.g e.p.i.s.o.d.e) and wait for Yugyeom, Mark is reminded of how much he missed Jackson, both his voice and his presence. Their arms touch where his sleeve is folded up and his best friend's skin is warm. He knows the contact is a bad thing. It has always been between them, but he cannot pull back his arm. Jackson does not either. They bask in each other's existence as if they both know how precious the moment is. Mark wonders. Maybe they do. Soon he will be finished with university. Once he finishes his current internship in Seoul for his master degree, he will be flying to New York for another internship. Maybe he will stay there for good, get a job and forget everything about his old dream of becoming a kpop idol. Yet can he even forget when it is so strongly linked to Jackson?

The skin of his arm feels too warm so he just straightens up from his lounging position. He looks over to Jackson who is looking up and back at him. He can sense a short moment of uneasiness and hesitation in his friend's eyes before the younger mimics him. Their arms no longer touch and Mark can breathe again. He missed Jackson during the past two weeks. But it has been a while since he noticed hesitation in Jackson. Tempation. He does not comment. They are not good for each other, not like that. Skinship has been avoided in their relationship for a long time now. Sometimes Mark misses it. Mark is no good for Jackson. Jackson is very stable. Mark is not. Mark is fickle. He knows. And it would hurt. They know. Mark is acutely aware of Jackson's body next to him, feels how much he missed him, how painfully it is etched in his core and he wishes he could just reach over and ruffle the other's hair casually.

When Yugyeom arrives, the three of them gather the bags and put everything in Jackson's car. Mark is happy to see the youngest again, he likes that he makes Jackson smile, and the kid is nice. Technically, they are not friends though, they do not meet if Jackson is not with them, and Mark wonders if they are finally a thing. He has never asked, but he knows, he can feel it. He knows Jackson just as much as Jackson knows him. And he knows Jackson would not be that dedicated to the younger man if there was no perspective of a strong relationship ahead. He is just waiting for Jackson to be open about it. So he tries not to it up for his bestfriend and keep his distances if the kid is around. Yet he cannot help but to open his arms in Jackson's direction when they are saying their goodbyes. He rarely asks for hugs. But he missed him. A lot. He misses his touch even when he knows it is a bad idea for him to indulge in it, but he needs a hug from his bestfriend right now. Jackson hesitates a bit before he closes the distance between them for a quick hug.

“I like your new cologne.” Jackson says while retreating to Yugyeom. It feels personal. As if the remark broke the silent rule between them stating that to comment on each other's appearance is forbidden. Marks does not know why but his heart gives a second unvoluntary clench – a painful one. He nods slightly, a half-hearted smile forming on his lips.

“Thanks” he answers, going to Yugyeom to hug him as well. He should not create trouble afterall he reminds himself.

*

It is past midnight when his phone buzzes again.

'Safely arrived :)' he reads, and a new text arrives. 'U doing ok, I felt you sad today?'

Mark smiles. Jackson is sweet and Mark likes him a lot.

'Cool. Sorry I was just tired from work. Next time let me hug it out longer.' He turns around in his bed, tomorrow is a day off and he very much intends on sleeping late. Jackson does not answer as quickly as he usually does. Mark regrets sending his last sentence and feelings threatens to burst out of his chest. His throat tightens, respressing them. His teeth bite once more into his already abused lips instead. Two successive buzzes startle him suddenly and his heartbeat picks up.

'It's not as easy as it looks for me, love'

'And I don't know how I would react so I'd rather not'

Mark stares for a long time at his phone. He knows how Jackson would react. He also knows Jackson knows how he would react. He wants to answer him not to lie to him. He wants to take too. He knows he could. Jackson knows him just as much as he knows Jackson though. And Jackson knows Mark is fickle. Mark loves then love fades. And Mark loves Jackson too much to let love fade.

'Ok.'

***

“What do you want? Tell me.” Jackson presses Mark against the door of their shared room. They are sweaty from danse practice, and the younger man's breath is hot in the short space between their lips, their foreheads against each other. Jackson is looking straight in his eyes and Mark swallows. Jackson is hot. Mark feels hot too. And he wants. So he takes. He touches. Mouthes at sunkissed skin. Grazes his teeth against collarbones. But when he gets to the belt buckle, something inside him cringes. He pulls back his hands. Can he love Jackson?

His subconscious pushes the ugly answer to his conscious. He wants but he does not need. So he will end up discarding as he always does.

“I care about you.” He whispers and he sees Jackson's face fall. “I don't want to hurt you.” He kisses Jackson, but it is too late already. Jackson understands. He kisses him desperately but the damage is done. He can read it on the other's face, and soon a facade is building and Jackson parts from him, creating distance between their bodies. Avoiding him.

Mark reaches for him but when Jackson gives him a tired look, he lets go. He knows Jackson just as much as Jackson knows him.

Jackson wants and needs and Mark wants but he does not need.