Inner Thoughts

Sehun smiled slightly, absentmindedly running his hands through Tao’s hair and over his head, in a familiar and practiced manner. If you weren’t used to how these two interacted they could easily have been confused for a pair of lovers, out on a date. Tao was leaning against Sehun chest, playing around with the younger’s one fingers as one of Sehun’s hands rested against the bench, holding the two’s bodies upright, while his other hand played around with Tao’s hair. 

 

It was because of moments like these that Sehun could get through the harsh training of each day. The thought that he’d be able to see Tao, to hold his in his arms, to hear his, albeit, high-pitched, laugh, to mess around with his newly died blonde hair, still as soft as they day he first felt it despite all the bleaching and products. 

 

Sehun like remembering meeting Tao. They were still trainees when they first saw each other. Sehun didn’t like to talk to other people, he was one of the youngest one there but SM was already prepping him for his debut the next year in a new group. He’d have to meet the other members they were planning on to add to the band. A few months passed before he met the chinese members. There were three of them, and even though SM liked to pair him with Luhan, Sehun was more interested in the other one. 

 

He learnt his name, and they started to spend more time together, and slowly what was a hesitant and careful friendship turned into an easy-going and trusting relationship. Sehun smiled slightly, his worst memories were with Tao. And so were his worst.

 

Like that day of training where the two of them messed up while dancing and had to stay behind and work until they got it right. It had been one of the most gueling and painful experiences of his life and Sehun finally understood what being an idol meant. Tao had wushu training, so he’d been able to discipline himself but Sehun was young, and he’d ended up spending three hours throwing up in the bathroom and struggling to move, not wanting to come back out. 

 

But Tao had been there. Waiting. And he’d taken Sehun’s hand without a word, and he’d brought him back to his room, tucked him in and then Tao had sat, still holding onto Sehun’s hand, by his beside and whispered words of comfort into the night, until his voice had lulled the boy to sleep. And when Sehun had woken, he’d still been there, and despite Suho’s warning, Sehun didn’t tell Tao not to come again, and eventually it settled into a routine. They’d stay together in one of their rooms at the end of the day, not staying the night of course, but enjoying each other’s company as long as they could until one of them would leave. Sehun tugged lightly on a strand of Tao’s hair as he remembered the time they used to spend together in their trainee days. 

 

It was easier then, not as tiring. But now they were constantly under scrutiny, and SM was always pushing for fanservice. Sehun didn’t mind it, the more he did it, the more comfortable he got, which scared him. That he’d rather hug one of his own  members than a member of one of the girl groups at the company. He knew what it meant. He didn’t know what to about it. So he just ignored it. 

 

“Stop that.” Tao moved one of his hands from Sehun’s fingers and reached up smoothing the small crease that had formed as Sehun mulled over this thoughts.

 

The cute little smile that Tao always did when he’d done something he was proud of spread across his lips and Sehun couldn’t help but smile slightly back, he couldn’t help it when he was with the older boy, it just made him happy to see him smile. 

 

“That’s better.” Tao said softly before returning to playing with his fingers in his usual childish manner. 

 

Sehun watched as Tao pressed his fingers together, switching them from one his hands to another, putting one of his rings on his pale fingers, taking them off and putting them back on his own until Sehun clasped Tao’s hand, their fingers clasped together tightly. Sehun sometimes wondered what Tao thought of this. And why the Chinese boy let him do this. There were no cameras around, and when there was, they tended not to be put together. Sehun wanted to ask. But he wasn’t sure what exactly he wanted to know. 

 

Does your heart pound when you see me?

Do you want to see me so bad your head hurts when I’m not there?

Does it make your chest tighter when I hug others?

 

Tao shifted slightly in his arms and pulled their finger apart. Sehun silenced the noise of dissent at the back of his throat and ignored the sting of rejection, and pulled his hand away, trying not to make it too obvious how much he was hurt by Tao’s actions. The latter didn’t seem to notice as he turned around so that he was facing him. Sehun couldn’t help but notice the position they were in. 

 

They were sitting on a wall, and Sehun’s legs were thrown over it and Tao had been sitting between, leaning against his back, but was now facing him, his own legs spread across the wall in a similar fashion to Sehun. Sehun wanted to ask why he’d moved. If he’d been uncomfortable he should has just said, he didn’t have to stop leaning on him. 

 

Suddenly Tao but his hands on Sehun’s shoulders and looked him in the eyes. The boy froze, he’d never been in this position with Tao before. There was a serious look in the other boy’s eyes, and it was making Sehun’s throat dry, and he made sure his own eyes didn’t drop to the other’s lips. 

 

Do you love me like I love you?

 

“Sehun.” His voice was light. 

 

Sehun had noticed that when Tao’s spoke Chinese his voice deepened. He noticed a lot of things about Tao. 

 

“Tao.” He tried to answer just as lightly but something caught in his voice and Tao cocked his head to the side, his face taking on a worried frown. 

 

“Are you okay Sehunnie? You aren’t sick are you?” He put his hand on the other’s forehead and gasped. “You’re hot.”

 

“I know.” Sehun couldn’t resist and Tao hit his arm. 

 

“Idiot. You’re sick, let’s get you back.”

 

“No.” Sehun shook his head. 

 

He didn’t feel sick. Maybe his head felt a bit cloudy, and his body heavy, but that was nothing out of the usual. 

 

“Hunnie...” Tao patted his head. “Come on, let’s go back.”

 

“I don’t want to.” Said Sehun shaking his head. 

 

I finally got to see you again; I’m not letting you go. 

 

“We finally got some time off, let’s enjoy it.” Sehun tried to shrug it off, but Tao was just as stubborn as him. 

 

“Fine. We’re going to a hotel.”

 

“What?” Sehun was shocked, he hadn’t expected to Tao actually agree to not going back, he’d just wanted to enlongate their time together. 

 

“Come on.” Tao stood up and held out a hand to Sehun. “Let’s go.”

 

Sehun was too surprised to talk back and simply accepted Tao’s hand who pulled him up and wrapped an arm around his waist. Sehun’s own automatically looped over it, one of the few habits he actually appreciated. They waddled, being basically stuck at the hip decreased their speed greatly and Sehun tried hard not to let a smile break through. He failed a few times but managed to catch himself before Tao noticed. 

 

Something Sehun had noticed after becoming an idol, is that was if people didn’t think you were out, if they saw you out, they would dismiss you as a lookalike. So when Tao went to book them a room at the hotel they’d walked to, there was no no recognition. Tao ran back over, a key card in his hand and a bright smile on his face.

 

“Let’s go.” He took Sehun’s hand and the two of them walked to the lift. 

 

Sehun still felt a little sick, however he knew he was just tired and eventually it’d go away. Tao pulled him along, the taller boy scanning the room numbers before stopping at, swiping the key card and walking in, still hanging on to Sehun’s hand. Sehun looked around, and his heart sank a little. 

 

“Good isn’t it?” Tao was pleased with himself and threw himself one one of the beds.

 

You could have just got one.

 

“Yeah.” Sehun lay down on the other bed, staring up at the ceiling as Tao shifted on the bed next to him. 

 

“Do you feel better?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Are you hungry?”

 

“No.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Are you comfortable?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Tao stopped asking questions for a while and the two of them lay in the dark.

 

“Are you cold?”

 

“No.”

 

Tao got up and moved over to Sehun’s bed.

 

“Hunnie, what’s wrong?” He ran his hand over Sehun’s hair and the younger boy shifted to face him with a sigh.

 

You make me feel so good, but you also hurt me so much.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

Tao leant down and kissed Sehun’s forehead. 

 

“Liar.”

 

Sehun scowled and wanted to turn away, but as usual he couldn’t. 

 

“It’s nothing.”

 

“Do you want me to stay?” Suddenly asked Tao and Sehun didn’t answer. 

 

Tao got up and Sehun already missed the warmth that come from the boy sitting next to him. But it was soon returned as Tao lifted Sehun up and princess carried him to his own bed. 

 

“Well, I want you to be with me, even if you don’t want to be with me.” He threw the boy down on the bed and then climbed in with him, pulling the blanket over the two of them and wrapping an arm around him, molding his body to Sehun’s so they were able to fit on the single bed.

 

“You should’ve got a double bed...” Mumbled Sehun and he could feel Tao smirk behind him. 

 

“Is that why you’re so grumpy? Because you couldn’t sleep with me?”

 

“No.” Sehun scowled and tried to move away from Tao who held tight with a laugh.

 

“I did try but they’re all booked.” 

 

Sehun froze and then moved, getting enough room so that he could turn around, Tao’s arm still thrown over him and he was aware of how close their faces were when he turned around. 

 

“What?”

 

“I said.” Tao flicked Sehun’s forehead. “I didn’t want to separate us Hunnie, we’re meant to be together Bubbles.”

 

Sehun blushed at the nickname. And the words although he was sure Tao didn’t mean them in the way he wanted him to. Tao suddenly leant forward and pecked Sehun’s nose. 

 

“Did I make you upset?”

 

Sehun didn’t like it when Tao was like this; he always saw too much, he could Sehun like a book and even the lack of emotion on his face couldn’t hide what he thought from the older boy. 

 

“Can you stop?” Asked Sehun, making to get up but not really trying, as evidenced when Tao entangled their legs together to stop him from leaving.

 

“Don’t leave me Bubbles~, I’ll be cold...”

 

I’ll never leave you; if you just come to me, I’ll always be here to keep you warm.

 

“Fine.” He lay back down and Tao blew air at him. “Stop it.”

 

“Grumpy Bubbles.” Tao leant in closer, a mischievous grin on his face. “Do you want me to cheer you up?”

 

“Do your best.” Said Sehun with a raised eyebrow. 

 

A challenge, and if he knew Tao, the elder loved a challenge. 

 

Ten minutes later, Tao was panting with laughter and Sehun was sitting cross-legged, stony faced, facing him. Sehun loved Tao, he loved the way he tried hard to cheer him up and then ended up laughing at his own stupid jokes, the way his high-pitched laugh bounced of the walls and the way he hit Sehun’s thighs when he got too excited, but he couldn’t let it show. Tao got a hold of himself and pouted when Sehun wasn’t even smiling. 

 

“What’s my prize then?” Asked Sehun, holding back a satisfied smirk. 

 

Tao frowned for a minute and then grinned. 

 

“Close your eyes.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Close them.”

 

“I don’t want to.”

 

“Then you don’t get a prize.”

 

They stared at each for a few seconds before Sehun gave up and closed his eyes, wandering what Tao was planning. 

 

He was patiently waiting, and he could hear Tao shifting and he was about to open them and ask what was taking so long when Tao’s lips on his own silenced him. He froze and his brain stopped working. 

 

What was happening?

 

Was this happening?

 

Was it this real?

 

He slowly began to kiss back, their lips moving in synchrony and he could feel Tao leaning forward, and the kiss became deeper, more aggressive. 

 

Please don’t be a dream.

 

Sehun was aware that the Chinese boy was no longer sitting but kneeling on the bed, supporting himself on Sehun’s shoulders and leaning forward, pushing the younger boy back, who beginning to fall off but didn’t want to disrupt the moment. Tao seemed to realize that Sehun was basically hanging off the side of the bed and pulled back, his face flushed and his pupils dilated in the dim light. 

 

Sehun was panting by the time his and Tao’s lips disconnected and he was hyper aware of  Tao’s hands on his shoulders as the latter pulled him forward and sat back down on his knees, a shy smile on his face. 

 

“I-”  started Sehun but he was unsure of what to say. “I liked that.”

 

He was so dumb. 

 

But then so was Tao because the older boy grinned happily and without hesitation pecked Sehun on the lips. 

 

“I liked it too Bubbles.” He kissed his nose and then kissed both his cheeks before pulling back a pleased smile on his face. “I’ve wanted to that for a while you know.”

 

“What?” Sehun’s mind was still foggy. 

 

Tao giggled and poked Sehun’s cheek. “Did you like it that much?”

 

“It was alright.” Sehun shook himself out of his daze and couldn’t help smiling. 

 

“Better than alright.” Said Tao. “Come on admit it.”

 

“Fine.” Sehun cheekily leaned in and pecked Tao on the lips. “It was nice, I already said I liked it.”

 

Tao fell back into the bed and patted the space next to him. “Let’s sleep then.”

 

“What?” 

 

“Let’s go to sleep.”

 

“But..”

 

“You want to do more?” There was a smirk on Tao’s face and when Sehun realized what he was talking about his face turned red and he stuttered slightly. 

 

“N-no, I mean, what’s this?” He gestured between them and Tao smiled slightly. 

 

“What do you think it is?”

 

Me loving you. You loving me. 

That’s what I want it to be. 

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Well, I want to be with you.” Said Tao easily and Sehun’s throat went dry. 

 

Talking had always come easy to Tao. During interviews, he’d always say too much. But now, he’d said just enough. 

 

I love you. 

 

“I love you.” 

 

Tell me you love me. 

 

“I love you too.” Tao pulled me down next to him. “My little Bubbles.”

 

Sehun smiled, his heart at ease and he pulled Tao closer to him and whispered in his ear. 

 

“My Panda.”

~

“Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles!” Sehun looked up as Tao threw himself down next to him on the sofa and put his head on his lap. 

 

“What?” He asked, putting the book he’d been reading down and his hands immediately went to Tao’s hair. 

 

“Can you get me something?” He pouted. “Pretty please~”

 

“What is it it this time?”

 

“A hat.” Tao pocked Sehun’s cheek as the other shook his head. “It’ll look really good.”

 

“Buy it yourself then.”

 

Tao pouted but Sehun wasn’t going to give in; he’d already bought the boy enough clothes as it was. Since the day in the hotel Sehun and Tao had been inseparable, Luhan leaving had hit Sehun hard, and Kris leaving had also hit Tao hard. After the two had left, EXO-M and EXO-K became EXO, which Sehun appreciated, he needed Tao. But months had passed since then, and even with the Baekhyun dating scandal, things had died down, and now everyone’s eyes were on Taeyeon and Baekhyun, so it was easier for Sehun to sneak a kiss or Tao to come to Sehun’s apartment. 

 

This was perfect.