(final.)
working nine till five (thirty)
. . . . Balls. . . He just caught me staring at him, didn't he? Hairy scrotum on a crooked . Baekhyun mentally facepalmed his ing stupid face for being so ing obvious. Why don't I just take a ing picture? It'll last longer. Heh. Maybe I should actually snap another candid, he looks so ing cute today with that ing face and those broad shoulders. Oh , did I just get a glimpse of collarbone? Oh, how I miss the Oh Sehun collarbone extraordinaire. What I wouldn't give to get a chance to those magnificent collarbones. winter and the ing cold where you have to wear a vajillion layers. not being able to see the beads of sweat dripping down that ual body of his. Maybe I should turn the heating up so he'll take off that sweater and show me the goods? I wonder how high I can turn the thermostat up to– OH . HE CAUGHT ME LOOKING AT HIM AGAIN. MY ING LIFE.
“Here, I think you need this,” Baekhyun's daydream was interrupted by his best friend and co-worker, Kim Jongdae, who handed him a wad of tissues. Rude.
“Why would I need these?” Baekhyun raised an eyebrow as he resumed gawking staring at Oh just-look-at-him Sehun, with pure PG thoughts, of course. He was most definitely not thinking about Oh no-really-look-at-him Sehun's tongue that is currently Oh but-are-you-looking-though Sehun's lips and how it would feel Byun definition-of-awesome Baekhyun's hole, mouth hole, belly button hole, bum hole, any hole, every hole. But seriously though, how good would that feel?
“Baek, brah, you're ing drooling.” Jongdae chortled as he shook at his head at his pathetic best friend.
“Yah! I resent that, I am not ing droo–” Oh . Yes, I am. Baekhyun used the end of his sleeve to wipe off said saliva that managed to escape the corner of his lips.
“That’s gross, there’s a reason why I just gave you tissues, dude. Either use it to wipe off your drool or use them to clean yourself up after jerking yourself off to thoughts of Sehun-ah. I doubt there'll be any tissues left in the men's. I think Junmyeon-hyungnim is off for his weekly ; I saw him go into the bathroom about an hour ago and he has yet to return. I don't think I'll be going in there for like a week.” They both shuddered at the thought of their supervisor’s bowel movements.
“You know, if you wait a week, wouldn’t that coincide with the next time he takes a ?” Baekhyun mused.
“Oh, . You’re right. Man, we need another bathroom in this place.” Jongdae sighed as he returned to his work station.
“You could always venture onto another floor and see if you can sneak a piss there?” the elder proposed, following the other male to his cubicle.
“I’m still banned from entering the other floors.” Jongdae sunk into his chair as Baekhyun rested his chin atop the cheap office cubicle divider which he immediately regretted because who knows when the last time his best friend sanitised it, if ever?
“I still can’t believe you puked right in front of the HR office!” Baekhyun chuckled at the memory.
“I was drunk, okay? Leave me alone. I guess I’ll just have to stick to using the travel flask. It comes in handy, sometimes I can just do my business without even getting up. Just whip it out, relieve myself, pop it back in, a blob of hand santiser and I’m good to go.” Jongdae grinned as he pointed to a brightly pink capped Hello Kitty bottle, and we’re not talking about your standard off the shelf from any supermarket, this was an extremely rare, limited edition, official Sanrio licensed, Hello Kitty in a tiger costume (because who doesn’t like to dress up?) flask.
“Hey! That's mine! I’ve been looking for this for weeks!” the elder male exclaimed as he snatched the flask off the younger male’s desk. He heard liquid sloshing inside and scrunched up his face. Please don’t tell me the er used this for anything other than for drinking because if he really did use it for as an on-the-go loo, is going to hit the fan so hard, the entire building will collapse. And hopefully, crush that ing er in the process.
“Oh, sorry bruh. Didn’t realise it was yours. Saw it in the kitchen and thought it belonged to some chick I didn’t wanna bang because who wants fish when you can have sausage?” the male wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
“So you stole Tabby?!” Baekhyun exclaimed incredulously.
“Borrowed. I borrowed it, I was planning on returning it. I just didn’t know to whom I should’ve returned it to. Now that I do know, I shall return it to its rightful owner; you can take it back now if you want. Though, heads up, you might wanna give it a rinse. A really good rinse. Oh, and who the calls their travel cup, Tabby?!” Jongdae asked before turning his attention to his computer which was currently playing a video of two cats having a ‘cat fight’ and cackling away. Lovely. Not. Dickhead. Indeed.
The brunet huffed as he left his former best friend’s cubicle, because who pees in a cup, seriously? Baekhyun took a sharp exhale as he disposed of the now tainted Tabby in the rubbish bin. Unable to leave right away, he stared forlornly at the trashcan, mourning the loss of his drinking buddy. I’m going to get you back for this, Kim ing Jongdick. You will rue the day you ever laid eyes on Tabby. My poor Tabby, oh how you must have suffered.
The male returned back to his own seat as he glared at Tabby’s offender, giving him as much stink eye as humanly possible. Shortly after he’d settled in his dreary cubicle, a cheery and bright eyed Junmyeon, the sales office manager, startled him as he waved a fishbowl filled with slips of paper in his face. Baekhyun frowned as he retreated away from the bowl that was being rudely shoved practically under his nose. That must have been one nice , I don’t think I’ve ever seen him beam so brightly at me before. Damn, those are some mothering pearly whites, I wonder what teeth whitening products he uses. But do I dare ask him? I really don’t want him to think we have that kind of relationship. Like I don’t want him to think that he can actually start a conversation, because just please, I do not want to discuss laxative pills and colonics.
“Festive greetings, Baekhyun-ssi,” Junmyeon’s whining voice snapped the other out of his reverie, “It’s that time again! ‘Tis the season to be jolly. Ha ha ha. Or should I say ‘Ho Ho Ho’. Ah man, that was a good one, even if I do say so myself!”
Baekhyun eye rolled before mentally scolding himself as the male stood before him dictated (heh, dicktakes, he would definitely be the one taking, as if he could top anyone) who was entitled to a Christmas bonus and how fat said bonus would be.
Junmyeon shook the fishbowl to gesture the other to retrieve his Secret Santa recipient; Baekhyun dipped his hand into the fishbowl and withdrew a single slip of paper. He unfolded the piece of paper to discover who his beneficiary would be.
Oh Sehun. Baekhyun blinked before folding the paper and unfolding it again.
“Yah, Jongdae, what does this say?” The barely taller male called out to his best friend colleague who got up from his work area and shuffled his way over. Baekhyun handed over the small sheet for Jongdae to confirm the name written on it.
“Oh Sehun. Jesus ing Christ, you got Sehun? You're the jammiest er ever!” the male exclaimed which provided Baekhyun the verification he’d sought.
Junmyeon winced at the profanity and looked like he’d just on a sour lemon. Great, now I’m going to have to scrub his reptilian face from my memory, thanks again Jongdick. But that anyways because I’ve got Oh how-I-want-to-kiss-those-lips Sehun! Well, I don’t have him, I mean, I wish I had him. Inside of me. That would be the best Christmas present. To feel him pounding my tight–
“This is Secret Santa. Stop sharing what name you just picked!” the supervisor chided, “You’re not supposed to disclose your recipients!” Kim Jun-what’s-his-face-myeon’s disapproving remarks went unheard as the only thing running through Baekhyun’s mind were prospective gift ideas for his future lover Secret Santee.
The disregarded office manager gave up with his objections and continued his rounds, Baekhyun smiled as he googled various websites offering customised merchandise and free next working day delivery. He may have a crush on Oh Sehun and wanted to get him the best gift money could afford, but let’s face it, he was working a crappy office job doing even crappier work for the crappiest pay; it may be the season of giving but Baekhyun has a strong principle against paying for delivery. After spending half an hour comparing different websites, reading reviews and basically not doing the aforementioned crappy work, he clicked on his basket and double triple quadruple checked to make sure he had entered all the information correctly. He proceeded with the usual checkout routine: paid via Paypal, added the (free) optional message with “From your Secret Santa” (like he would really pay the extra five thousand won for gift wrapping) and grinned gleefully as he saw the confirmation email appear in his inbox. I really hope Sehun likes it. Like really likes it; so much so that when he finds out that I’m his Secret Santa, he’ll want to thank me with his south pole candy cane .
From: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 11:35
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Dude
Yo dude. You made sehun cry yo.
Kind regards,
Kim Jongdae
Office Coordinator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 11:38
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Dude
What? How?
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 11:47
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Dude
You got something for Squishy didn't you? Like as part of the secret santa let’s give crap presents that no one will ever really use ?
Kind regards,
Kim Jongdae
Office Coordinator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 11:53
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Re: Dude
Yeah....... I did....? Why?
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 12:01
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Dude
bruh.... The dog died...... like six months ago.....
So the present you got for the guy you wanna bang… was actually for his dead doggie….
Way to go. Remind me to send you a wishlist from now on
Kind regards,
Kim Jongdae
Office Coordinator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 12:12
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Dude
OMFGGGGGGGG WHY DIDN'T YOU ING TELL ME ABOUT SQUISHY?!!!!!!!!
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 12:26
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Dude
Honestly I didn't think I had to….. I mean who buys something for a pet as a xmas present? That’s cheap just saying
Kind regards,
Kim Jongdae
Office Coordinator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 12:32
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]]
Re: DON'T TALK TO ME ANYMORE
WE'RE OVER. THIS BROSHIP IS DONE. DONE I TELL YOU. NOW GTFO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 12:41
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: DON'T TALK TO ME ANYMORE
Fine....
I was gonna tell you how to make it up to sehun because I overheard him and chanyeol speaking but if we're no longer bros then whatever….. I won't help you then
Kind regards,
Kim Jongdae
Office Coordinator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 12:55
To: Oh Sehun [[email protected]]
Re: Sorry to hear about your dog
Hi Sehun-ssi,
Hope you are well.
I know this is belated, like super belated, but in my defence, I only just found out. I just wanted to relay my condolences about your dog. I hope he’s resting in peace.
Best wishes,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Oh Sehun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 14:09
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Sorry to hear about your dog
Hi Baekhyun-ssi,
I’m alright, thanks for asking. Hope you’re well.
Yeah, it was a bit of an unfortunate reminder, to be honest. I guess my Secret Santa had pure intentions, it was a nice gesture. The personalised dog bowl was actually really nice, I’m certain she would’ve loved it and would’ve put it to good use if she was still here with me.
I just miss her, you know? I can’t believe that I actually cried in the office though, everyone must think I’m a right pansy. I’ve actually had quite a few emails enquiring about my teary state (so embarrassing).
But yes, thanks for your concern and condolences, it’s been a while so I’ll be alright.
Kind regards,
Oh Sehun
Junior Office Administrator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 14:13
To: Oh Sehun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Sorry to hear about your dog
I think everyone’s just a little worried, I’m sure they all mean well.
In regards to the present, perhaps your Secret Santa saw the picture on your desk and thought it would make the perfect gift? I hope you don’t judge your Secret Santa for the mishap, or anything. So please don’t take it the wrong way, I’m almost certain that they weren’t intentionally trying to stir up bad memories. And I’m glad to hear that you’ll be okay, I truly hope that you will.
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Oh Sehun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 14:26
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Re: Sorry to hear about your dog
The camaraderie in the office is great, everyone here has a kind soul. Maybe apart from the office coordinator, sometimes I hear him cackle to himself. The office manager can be a little weird sometimes, I’ve noticed how every so often, he’ll disappear for a really long time, like for at least over an hour.
Yeah, I’m not really close with anyone in the office apart from Chanyeol hyung. Don’t know if you know who he is, but he’s a technical admin? Yeah, we’re pretty tight but that’s about it really. So yeah, I won’t hold it against them; they probably just didn’t know. The ironic thing is though, my dog wasn’t even called Squishy. She was called Panda? So I don’t know where they got their wires crossed, but then again, I suppose it’s the thought that counts.
And thanks again, I really appreciate your warm wishes.
Kind regards,
Oh Sehun
Junior Office Administrator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 14:30
To: Oh Sehun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sorry to hear about your dog
You’re very welcome. If you ever need help, or another friend. I’m here for you!
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Oh Sehun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 14:36
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sorry to hear about your dog
Thanks hyung (can I call you hyung?) And I just remembered that you seem to be pretty close to the office coordinator? Please don’t tell him what I said, or what I said about Kim Junmyeon bujangnim for that matter. I have the tendency to talk a lot, it’s one of my many flaws.
Kind regards,
Oh Sehun
Junior Office Administrator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 14:41
To: Oh Sehun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sorry to hear about your dog
Don’t worry, I won’t utter a word. And yes, you can call me ‘hyung’ :)
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 14:43
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Creeping me out
Yah. doesn’t your face hurt? You’ve been grinning at your screen for the past half hour or so. Aer you watching again? if so, how did you bypass the blockerS?
Kind regards,
Kim Jongdae
Office Coordinator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 14:48
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]]
Re: Go crawl up your own arse and die
I’m seriously done with you. His dog’s name isn’t even Squishy. YOU were the one who ing told me that. Now I’m going to look like a ing idiot when he finds out it was me. you.
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Kim Junmyeon [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 14:52
To: Sales Team [[email protected]]
Re: Sales meeting
Hi all,
Hope you are well.
Just a quick reminder of the sales team meeting that you are all required to attend at 16:00.
Warm regards,
Kim Junmyeon
Office Manager (Sales Division)
From: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 14:57
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: So uncalled for brah
Oh . Sorry…. My bad bro…. I thought that’s what his dog was called. Look….. Let me make it up to you. Remember how I told you about overhearing the conversation between Sehun-ah and that Chanyeol the Yoda technician guy? Well apparently your crush has a green thumb…. I think that means he likes flowers and plants or some like that? I don’t know….. Apparently his favourite house plant is called something like a snake plant? Because you can’t get him flowers, bruh. That’s ing …... But a snake plant sounds pretty cool right? Anyways, you’re welcome.
Oh wait lemme attach what the plant looks like.
Ok so it’s like not the coolest looking plant in the world but it’s nice…. I guess? I mean, if the dude likes it then what can we say? Who are we to judge, am I right or am I right?
Kind regards,
Kim Jongdae
Office Coordinator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 15:05
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]]
Re: Re: So uncalled for brah
Yeah, I don’t think I can trust you anymore. That’s probably just some random plant, I bet you that there’s not even a plant called that.
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 15:11
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: So uncalled for brah
Omg…. Like google it for yourself. Actually I’ll show you:
See?! Like I’m not ing around with you. I’m being well legit.
Kind regards,
Kim Jongdae
Office Coordinator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 15:25
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]]
Re: LOLOLOLOL AT THE TABS YOU HAVE OPEN
OMFG DUDE ARE YOU SERIOUS? ARE YOU REALLY LISTENING TO CELINE DION? AND WAIT……… IS THAT A TAB OPEN FOR SEPHORA? WHAT?
AND NO THIS IS BRILLIANT…. YOU GOOGLED “HOW TO WRITE A POEM?” WHO ARE YOU WRITING A POEM FOR? OMGGGG THIS IS GOLD! EFFING A!!!!!!
Oh, and why are you using incognito mode?
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 15:32
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: LOLOLOLOL AT THE TABS YOU HAVE OPEN
Don’t be hating aight? My heart will go on is like one of the best songs ever made in all of time. I ain’t even ashamed of it. And don’t act like you’re above Titanic.. That too is like the best movie in history… I mean… Cmon….. We both know who sobs like a baby whenever they watch it..
And yes, I shop at Sephora and what? Fight me…. The day they started shipping to sk was the day I cried… Legit…. It was one of the greatest days of my life to be honest…… Thank you sephora.. And perlease…. Who are you to talk mr line my eyes with black kohl until I look like a panda.. Don’t even begin to try to tell me you don’t want in on my order, okay?
And there are certain sites I visit that I don’t want the big boss man upstairs to see ok? So I have to go ninja mode. Now mind your own business and let’s get back to snakeplanting. That sounds kinda diiiirty. I like it.
Kind regards,
Kim Jongdae
Office Coordinator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 15:41
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: LOLOLOLOL AT THE TABS YOU HAVE OPEN
About Titanic, like, call me biased or whatever but Jack did not need to die. If that selfish woman could’ve just moved slightly, they both could’ve sat on that door, debris, or whatever it was. Like do not even get me started, Jack was way too hot to die. It was a tragedy. An actual tragedy. Oh god, I think I’m about to cry.
Moving on, before I do start to weep, oooh do let me know if there’s any sales going on, because I’ve heard good things about the Marc Jacobs eyeliner and I kinda wanna treat myself to a nice high end eyeliner, what with it being Christmas and all.
And you do realise that going incognito doesn’t mean that they can’t monitor what sites you’re visiting, right?
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 15:44
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Brb
Just need to switch computers…...
Kind regards,
Kim Jongdae
Office Coordinator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 15:56
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Brb
, about the snake plant, I’m just on this florist site and it says that I need to place an order before 5pm if I want it to be delivered tomorrow. I’ve got a ing meeting at 4pm and I don’t even know how long it’ll take to order. What the do I do?
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 15:58
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Brb
Don’t worry about it, send me the link to the website and I’ll get it for you and forward you the order confirmation when I’m done.
Kind regards,
Kim Jongdae
Office Coordinator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 16:02
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Re: Brb
Thank you so much.
https://livebreatheplant.co.kr/
Oh crap on a ing stick. I’m late. Brb.
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 16:47
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Fwd: Re: Order Confirmation
Yah, check out the order confirmation below.... Don’t say I don’t help a bro in need out yeah?
Kind regards,
Kim Jongdae
Office Coordinator
From: Orders - Live, Breathe, Plant [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 16:44
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]]
Re: Order Confirmation
Order number: 717587
Order date: 16 December 2014 16:43
Billing Details: Byun Baekhyun
Product:
1x Sansevieria (Snake plant) in Ceramic Pot
Code: SNP-3246
Size: Small
Colour: --
Delivery Date:
17 December 2014
Recipient Address:
Oh Sehun
Floor 12, Exo Office Supplies
521, Apgujeong 2-Dong, Gangnam-Gu
SEOUL, 135906
South Korea
Card message: From your Secret Santa. Apologies about the first present. Sad times, dude. Sad times.
Sub-total: ₩ 35,000
Discount: ₩ 0.00
Delivery: ₩ 0.00
TOTAL: ₩ 35,000
Thank you for ordering.
Please keep a copy of this receipt for your records.
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Tue 16/12/14 17:05
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]>]
Re: Fwd: Re: Order Confirmation
YOU’RE A ING SUPER STAR. AND OH MY WORD, THAT MEETING WAS SO BORING. I SWEAR TO GOD, I’VE LEARNED HOW TO FALL ASLEEP WITH MY EYES OPEN. ANYWAYS, JUST UNDER HALF AN HOUR BEFORE WE CAN GET THE OUTTA HERE. CAN’T ING WAIT!
THANKS AGAIN, BRO! I SO OWE YOU A SOLID.
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
Today is going to be a good day. I’ve ordered another present to make up for the royal up that was the personalised dog bowl, courtesy of Kim are-they-his-natural-cheekbones Jongdae. I still can’t believe how much of an epic fail it was though. How cringe. But whatever, plants are nice, I guess? Never would’ve pegged him as a plant guy, but he can totally plant his up my arsehole and –
“Hey, Baekhyun-hyung,” Sehun greeted.
“Hnggg,” an incoherent sound slipped from Baekhyun’s lips, “Humunah.” The taller male smiled shyly before he bowed his head and made his way to his desk. As Sehun walked away, Baekhyun muttered to himself, “ me sideways.”
“Hmm? Did you say something, hyung?” Baekhyun froze in his tracks before shrieking like pansy and cowering behind Jongdae.
Saved by the bellend.
“What the ?!” Jongdae cried out.
“Is he gone yet?” the brunet whispered, still hiding behind the other male though with his stature being ridiculously tiny, he didn’t make the greatest human shield. He thought he’d caught Sehun’s eye and yelped before squatting down, pretty much planting his face into Jongdae’s cheeks.
“Who, Milk Bottle? Yeah, he’s walking to his desk. What did you do now?” the younger male asked yanking Baekhyun up by the hair.
“Yah! I was down there for a reason.” Baekhyun scowled as they both sat down at their respective cubicles.
“Yeah, I guess you do belong on your knees,” Jongdae quipped before he was welcomed with a stapler thrown at him and hitting him right between the eyes. ing accuracy or what? Should’ve been a ball player. I do like to play with balls of the male persuasion. I wonder what Sehun’s balls look like? Feel like? In my mouth? Anyways, back to business. Might have had a slight hiccup with the whole hiding behind Jong-my-dae-is-is-nothing-but-hell-when-he’s-around but we can move past this; I still have a good feeling about today.
From: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]] Wed 17/12/14 10:06
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Fwd: Re: Delivery Confirmation
Sup bruh…….... They delivered the plant yo
Kind regards,
Kim Jongdae
Office Coordinator
From: Delivery - Live, Breathe, Plant [[email protected]] Wed 17/12/14 09:53
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]]
Re: Delivery Confirmation
We are delighted to inform you that order number: 717587 was delivered successfully today 09:37, signed for by OH SEHUN.
We guarantee 100% customer satisfaction. We appreciate any feedback you may have, please email us at [email protected] with your thoughts, comments and views; we look forward to hearing from you.
Thank you once again for ordering at Live, Breathe Plant.
This email was sent to [email protected] | unsubscribe from this list
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Wed 17/12/14 10:11
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]]
Re: Fwd: Re: Delivery Confirmation
Sweeeeeeet! I can’t wait to check it out. Thanks again! You’re the best!
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
See, things are back on track. What can go wrong?
From: Park Chanyeol [[email protected]] Wed 17/12/14 11:54
To: All [[email protected]]
Fwd: lolololol who got sehunnie a plant
Hey guys,
Someone got our Sehunnie a plant that looks like a , it’s too funny, I had to share! Whoever is Sehunnie’s Secret Santa, I want to shake their hand once we reveal because it’s just too epic! Sorry, if you hear me laugh all day, I can’t help it. Omg, I’m still roaring with laughter. It’s too jokes. Where on earth did you find this? Well done. Well. Done. Really.
Regards,
Park Chanyeol
Office Technical Administrator
From: Oh Sehun [[email protected]] Wed 17/12/14 11:37
To: Park Chanyeol [[email protected]]
Re: Secret Santa
Hi Chanyeol hyung,
So yeah, I think my Secret Santa has issues? That, or he/she really doesn’t like me. I mean, first the thing was the dog bowl, that could’ve been an innocent mistake, right?
But like, someone got me this weird plant. And it kind of, well, it reminds me of the male ia? I mean, it’s not just me, right? It’s like phallic shaped and it’s just plain weird. I don’t know what to say, or how to even say thank you to the person. Will I be able to look them in the eye? Like, what is this, hyung? Please explain to me what this is?
It’s like green es (peni?) with pink tips? It’s kinda scaring me. Like it keeps looking at me. What if it attacks my when I turn around? There’s EIGHT of them. EIGHT, Chanyeol hyung, EIGHT. I can’t accommodate eight of them. And why are they pink? I know it was a present and I should be thankful, but I feel kind of violated to be honest.
Kind regards,
Oh Sehun
Junior Office Administrator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Wed 17/12/14 11:59
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]]
Re: (no subject)
You’re dead to me.
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]] Wed 17/12/14 12:08
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: (no subject)
I’M NOT EVEN SORRY IT WAS TOTES WORTH IT OMG LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL PLANT OMG THAT IS CLASSIC I CAN’T OMG I CAN’T BREATHE
PS YOU’RE THE ONE WHO SENT ME THE SITE LINK YOU SHOULDA CHECKED IT OUT YOURSELF I WAS ONLY DOING WHAT YOU ASKED ME TO DO TO BE FAIR SO YOU REALLY CAN’T GET MAD AT ME THOUGH IT’S STILL THE FUNNIEST EVER…. I MEAN DID YOU SEE THE EMAIL THAT HE SENT. ING WIN! I WANT TO PRINT THAT OUT AND FRAME IT… IT WAS THAT ING GOOD. OMG. STILL ING DYING.
Kind regards,
Kim Jongdae
Office Coordinator
From: Kim Junmyeon [[email protected]]Wed 17/12/14 14:34
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Informal warning
To: Byun Baekhyun
The incident between yourself and Kim Jongdae earlier today has come to my attention. This is a clear breach of appropriate work behaviours that are explicitly highlighted in your employee handbook.
Therefore, I have no choice but to issue you an informal warning. The severity of your actions does not quite justify disciplinary action up to employment termination.
I am also reminding you of the critical importance of a non hostile work environment. Two key areas of inappropriate behaviour that have been identified include but are not limited to:
1. Workplace aggression - Mistreatment of employee(s) with malicious acts of humiliation and/or intimidation as well as any attempts in sabotage of performance.
2. Disruptive behaviour - Yelling, bullying, non fulfilment of your role as well as insubordination.
Another violation of the rules will result in additional disciplinary action which may include issuing a formal letter of reprimand or the possibility of employment termination.
As this is an informal warning, a copy of this will not be placed in your official personnel file.
Supervisor Name: Kim Junmyeon
Date: Wednesday 17th December 2014
Warm regards,
Kim Junmyeon
Office Manager (Sales Division)
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Wed 17/12/14 14:40
To: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]]
Re: Good luck I hope you don’t choke and die
I received an informal warning because of you. I hope you’re happy. Just to be clear, I do not wish for you to choke on that burrito, because that would be a clear violation of the employee handbook. Specifically in regards to malicious acts OF WANTING YOU ING DEAD.
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Oh Sehun [[email protected]] Wed 17/12/14 15:25
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Are you alright?
Baekhyun-hyung,
Is everything alright? Apparently you and that office coordinator, Kim Jongin-ssi (is that his name?), had a little kerfuffle? Chanyeol hyung reported that you apparently have (and I quote verbatim so they’re his words and not mine), one helluva mean slap. I must admit that I did hear squeals earlier on today, was that the two of you? Anyways, I hope everything has been resolved and that you didn’t get into trouble or anything.
Kind regards,
Oh Sehun
Junior Office Administrator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Wed 17/12/14 15:38
To: Oh Sehun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Are you alright?
Thanks for your concern. Jong-pain-in-my-arse-every-dae and Kim Jun-whines-a-lot-myeon can on my pickle to be very honest with you.
Those screams were him, not me – just wanted to make that clear.
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
After he hit the send button, Baekhyun leaned back on his chair and drowned himself in the ual fantasies he’d grown accustomed to. He glanced over at the subject of his affection and took in the magnificent sight that was Oh how-are-you-so-perfection Sehun. His eyebrows burrowed at the sight of the taller male in one, two, three, FOUR layers? No, this was not okay.
The brunet decided he was too impatient to wait for the summer and mother nature to help a thirsty dude out so he set his own plan in motion. Commence Operation It’s Getting Hot In Herre, So Take Off All Your Clothes! Baekhyun skulked over to the thermostat as he hummed the theme of Mission Impossible in his head. He quickly cranked the heating up to 30°C and triumphantly skipped back to his desk, super pleased with himself. He shed his cardigan, anticipating the warmth that was going to envelope his body and prepared the best view to drink in the beauty that was Oh wow-damn-he-is-hot Sehun.
As the office started heating up and a bead of sweat trickled down Baekhyun’s face, he glanced up to notice Oh just-look-at-that-arse Sehun walking past his cubicle, coat in hand. Where is he off to? He probably wants to cool down a little; why don’t you just strip and I can strip and we can rub our bodies together and maybe his can somehow find its way into one of my holes. Oh shoot, where did he go? He’s a swift little bugger, isn’t he?
Baekhyun shot up out of his seat and his body instinctively followed the swaying hips and perfectly sculpted arse that was Oh take-me-now Sehun. It was as if the younger male had installed some kind of magnetic device inside of his pert arsecheeks that was activated by ual attraction. Needless to say, Baekhyun felt the pull. The elder male ensued close behind the younger to the coffee shop, a regular amongst the office worker bees because Jun-in-dire-need-of-a-colon-cleanse-myeon was too cheap to get a real coffee machine.
The sales executive hunted pursued tailed was coincidentally heading in the same direction as the junior admin which just so happened to be the coffee shop just across the road from their office.
No, this isn't stalking, it's recon. All in the festive spirit and whatnot. Just trying to be a good Secret Santa and quench my thirst whilst I’m at it. And maybe my Sehun thirst because my oh my do I want to drink him up. I want to taste that tall glass of milk and taste his– Sehun turned around so Baekhyun ducked behind a wall, a transparent glass wall, faningtastic, a great ninja I’d be.
“Baekhyun hyung?”
Act ing natural. Don’t be ing weird. Baekhyun leaned against the wall with his right arm raised and pressed against the wall and his left hand on his hip, ed out and his duck face on. Yeah, this is ing weird.
“I-I was just checking out this wall. It’s like see-through, how amazing is that? I wonder what it’s made of?” Smooth. ing smooth, Byun Baekhyun.
“Er… I think it’s just a normal glass wall, hyung.”
my ing life.
“I-I like glass. It’s such a versatile material. They make glasses. Like glasses for your face and to drink from. I mean, to drink a drink from, not your face, because how would you drink your face? Okay, that doesn’t make any sense, but no, but yeah. And of course we can’t forget about how they can be used to make walls, just like this one, yeah, glass is so cool,” the older male winked and his right hand took a life of its own as it shot up into a peace sign. What the am I doing? Control your ing fail self, Byun Baekhyun. What the did I just say about ing glass?! Glass is cool? Oh my ing god, I’ve got no ing game. I should just crawl into a coffee pot and just ing die. A ing glass pot because apparently I have a ing hard on for glass.
“Well, enjoy?” Sehun meekly replied as he turned away to make his way back to the office, some kind of coffee beverage clutched in those magnificent digits of his.
Baekhyun waved back animately until he realised that Sehun, as perfect as he was, did not have eyes in the back of his head and could not see him waving goodbye. Perhaps that was a good thing though because no one likes an eager beaver. The brunet dashed the counter as soon as the younger male was out of sight and arrived in front of the barista who had just served him.
“Hi, may I just ask what that fine piece of arse just ordered?” Baekhyun panted as he gasped for air. Damn, I really need to start doing some cardio, especially if I wanna go all night looooong~ with Oh yeah-that’s-the-spot-right-there Sehun.
The barista raised his eyebrow at him. Damn, the kid has mega eyebrow game. Baekhyun eyed the barista’s name tag before continuing his quest to find out Sehun’s coffee preference. “Hey Minseok-ssi, help a bro out. You see the dude you just served? The one who’s 10% collarbones, 25% shoulders and 65% booty? He’s my Secret Santa recipient and the guy that I’ve been crushing on ever since he set his glorious foot into our infernal damned abyss that is my office. I mean, you must’ve seen the talent pool I’ve been working with here. Jun-constipated, Jong-dinoface and Yoda-twitch-a-face? Yeah, they’re considered the more attractive ones; you do not know what kind of roadkill I’ve had to look at. So, I beg thee, Mr Eyebrow Master, help this poor puppy out and just tell me what kind of coffee that splendid specimen just ordered? PLEASE.”
“... An iced hazelnut mocha. Now please stop talking.” The short barista responded as he took proceeded to take the order of the person next in line.
“Thank you! Thank you so much! Keep up the eyebrows!” The brunet called over his shoulder as he practically skipped out of of the coffee shop. So Sehun likes nuts? I have nuts. Two nuts in fact, you know what they say, two is better than one. I hope he likes my nuts; my nuts are nice. Hella nice.
*★*―――――*★*―――――*★*―――――*★*
“Minseok masternim! Yes, it’s me, you remembered! I feel so special. But, yes, I’m back to get that drink now, you know, for the 20% shoulders plus 80% booty guy that I was telling you about? I don’t actually remember what he ordered yesterday, I think it was some kind of nutty drink, because I definitely recall thinking about whether or not Oh bend-me-over-the-table Sehun would like my nuts, but that’s just silly, right? Of course he would, I have very nice nuts. I like to groom myself, as I think everyone should. But then again, I don’t think Jongdick grooms, he looks like the kind of guy who doesn’t. And I know what you’re probably thinking, that I trim the hedges to make my fence look bigger, but that’s just a bonus that comes along with it–”
“IT WAS AN ICED HAZELNUT MOCHA.” the barista interrupted before Baekhyun had a chance to finish describing the appearance of his loins in vivid graphic detail.
“Ah, yes. I remember now. Can I have one of those with extra hazelnut syrup please, I have a feeling that Oh how-do-you-like-my-nuts Sehun likes his drinks sweet. Oh, and extra froth please. I want to the froth off his lips–”
“But it’s not a cappuccino, it’s a mocha,” the barista cut him off again. The brunet really wanted to comment on his less than professional customer service but he feared that Minseok would give his drink a trip to the dentist and the thought of Sehun swallowing saliva that wasn’t his own, or any kind of bodily fluid that wasn’t his own just didn’t sit right with him. So for the sake of an untainted drink, Baekhyun decided to keep his introspections to himself, for now.
“Huh? Come again?”
“Mochas don’t have froth. So do you want a caffè mocha or a cappuccino?” Minseok sighed, quickly losing his patience for the overzealous customer.
“I just want the drink he ordered, please.”
“So a mocha then. And would you like some water with that?” the barista smirked.
“Excuse me?” Baekhyun really didn’t appreciate the way the coffee maker was speaking in riddles.
“You know, on account of how thirsty you are?” the barista tried to stifle a snigger but failed.
“The iced hazelnut mocha is just fine, thanks.” Baekhyun answered, barely audible, feeling the heat rush to his cheeks, no doubt exhibited the tell tale signs of a blush.
“That’ll be ₩ 4,500, please.”
Baekhyun handed over a ₩ 5,000 bill, “You can keep the change.” he offered with a sincere smile only to have that wiped off a mere second later. Just smile, take your coffee and then about him to Jongdae later, we do not want any nasty surprises and complimentary “extras” with the drink. Maybe my act of kind generosity will ensure a–
“A whole ₩ 500? Wow, your Christmas generosity astounds me. As soon as I’m on my break, I’m going to call my boyfriend in China and tell him how I might be able to afford to visit him this Christmas because the most philanthropic customer has bestowed me such wealth.” The barista scoffed as he tossed the change into the charity box instead of his own pocket.
Baekhyun cracked another smile, only this time it could only be described as awkward, extremely awkward, as he waited for Minseok to brew and blend Sehun’s iced hazelnut mocha. When the barista handed the brunet the cold cup of coffee, the latter bowed his head and nodded a quiet thanks before trudging back to the office.
When the short male returned to the workplace, he was relieved to find Sehun away from his work station. He quickly scrawled “From your Secret Santa” onto a sticky note and placed the iced beverage onto the other male’s desk. He rushed back to his desk before he was discovered and actually started doing the job he was paid to do; a contrast to what he usually did: spending most of his time trying to ogle Oh you-so-fine-please-blow-my- Sehun as much as he could without getting caught.
“Someone call the ambulance! I think Sehunnie’s having a seizure or an allergic reaction or something! , Sehunnie, where’s your epipen?!” Chanyeol’s deep baritone voice boomed through the entire office floor.
Geezus, use your inside voice. Wait, did he just say Sehun was having a seizure. ing hell, that’s not ing good. Is he alright? My poor baby!
As the office was thrown into chaotic disarray, the only thing Baekhyun could do was sit quietly at his desk, waiting for an ambulance to arrive and transport Sehun to the hospital. After a vajillion years had passed, approximately fifteen minutes, his eyes widened as he watched the object of his affection and the cause of many office hours hard ons be wheeled away in a stretcher. As he retreated back to his desk, he saw Chanyeol’s tabletop scattered with coffee cups from the coffee shop Minseok worked at.
Baekhyun picked up a cup and took a whiff of the contents, it smelled like the hazelnut mocha. “Hey, Chanyeol. Do you and Sehun both like hazelnut mochas?”
“I do, Sehunnie most definitely doesn’t.” Baekhyun face grew sullen at the use of the nickname which indicated a close relationship. It’d better be a straight up bromance, no , or I will cut a up.
“No? But I thought I saw him ordering an iced hazelnut mocha?” the smaller male questioned as he set the cup back onto the cluttered work surface.
“Ah, it was for me. The office was sweltering yesterday so I asked Sehun to get me one to cool myself down. Yeah, it definitely wasn’t for him. He’s like seriously allergic to nut, all kinds of nuts actually. Even brazil nuts, which technically aren’t nuts, they’re seeds so I have no idea why they would even call them nuts. Regardless, he can’t eat them either.” the taller male rambled.
Well, . “Oh, well, if you speak to him, tell him that I hope he feels better soon.”
“He’ll be alright. I’m sure he’ll back in the office tomorrow.” Chanyeol tried assuring him.
Baekhyun was considering what flowers to get for Sehun but ultimately decided against it, plants were a no go zone after the
What about crystals? Crystals are supposed to have healing properties, right? The brunet did a quick google search and stumbled on a site rife with information about crystals, their properties and uses.
“Clear quartz, more commonly known as rock crystal (sometimes referred to as pure quartz) is a colourless and transparent (clear) or translucent mineral. In relation to the chakras, clear quartz is often referred to as the “master healer” and will amplify energy and thought, as well as boosting the effect of other crystals on the chakra. It harmonises all the chakras by absorbing, storing, releasing and regulating energy. In addition to this, it draws of any negative energy and neutralises any background radiation that may be present. It balances and revitalises the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual planes. It serves as the mind, body and soul’s cleanser and can enhance one’s psychic abilities. Its other uses includes acting as an aid for strengthened concentration, unlocking the memory, stimulating the immune system and balancing the body.”
Bingo. This is perfect. And score, I can get 4% cashback if I purchase it from the site. And free next day delivery? Don’t mind if I do.
From: Kim Jongdae [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 09:17
To: All [[email protected]]
Re: Seasons Greetings
Merry Christmas, everybody! Happy holidays!
Kind regards,
Kim Jongdae
Office Coordinator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 09:22
To: All [[email protected]]
Re: Seasons Greetings
You are so ing dead. You’d best sleep with one eye open because I swear to god, I’m going to break into your apartment one night and gut you open like a fish. I’m going to ing chop of your microdick and shove it so far up your arse, you’ll still be tasting your cheesy by the time next Christmas rolls around.
I swear to god, if you so much as look at me today, I will break your ing face. I will tear apart your actual face with my bare hands and mash those mountains you call cheekbones.
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Oh Sehun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 09:38
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Just thought I’d let you know
Hey hyung,
I think you clicked “reply to all” instead of just reply because I received the threat you just sent to Jongdae (that’s his name, I kept thinking his name was Jongin for some reason).
Also, don’t be embarrassed about your high school photo. I think you looked super cute (you still do?)
Kind regards,
Oh Sehun
Junior Office Administrator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 09:56
To: Oh Sehun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Just thought I’d let you know
my ing life. If Jun-needs-to-eat-more-fibre-myeon sees that email, I think he’s going to issue me a formal reprimand. I’m ing screwed. I’d better start looking for a new job. him and that ing er.
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Oh Sehun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 10:25
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Just thought I’d let you know
Don’t worry about it, hyung. I’ll get Chanyeol hyung to wipe it from the email servers. I think Kim Junmyeon bujangnim went to the toilet and might be a while. So don’t look for a new job, okay?
Kind regards,
Oh Sehun
Junior Office Administrator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 10:32
To: Oh Sehun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Re: Just thought I’d let you know
Really? You’ll do that for me? Omg, thank you so much! You’re a life saver.
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Oh Sehun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 10:48
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just thought I’d let you know
Of course! Don’t mention it, anytime. Chanyeol hyung’s just messaged me to tell me that everything’s been deleted.
Kind regards,
Oh Sehun
Junior Office Administrator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 15:11
To: Oh Sehun [[email protected]]
Re: me
Yo, Jongdick-in-a-box, I accept your apology in the form of a Marc Jacobs eyeliner. That is ing schweeet. I can’t wait to try it out to see if it’s any good.
By the ways, it’s ing cold, no? I swear to god, it’s so ing cold, I think my s are so hard that they can cut through mothering glass!
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Oh Sehun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 15:33
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: me
Hey hyung. I think you emailed the wrong person. But yes, it is really cold. I think some idiot cranked up the thermostat the other day and messed it up, so now we’ll be without heating today. I didn’t even wear too much because it was sweltering yesterday and I thought it’d be the same again today. Sigh.
Kind regards,
Oh Sehun
Junior Office Administrator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 15:37
To: Oh Sehun [[email protected]]
Re: Oops my bad
Yeah, sorry about that. Clearly the cold is affecting my brain as well as….. Other parts of my anatomy. If you’re cold, I could lend you a jacket? Don’t worry about me, I don’t really need it; I’m not actually that cold.
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Oh Sehun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 15:40
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Oops my bad
But didn’t you just say that you were so cold that your s were hard enough to cut glass?
Kind regards,
Oh Sehun
Junior Office Administrator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 15:42
To: Oh Sehun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Oops my bad
Oh , yeah I did. Just ignore me. Please.
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Oh Sehun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 15:45
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Re: Oops my bad
You’re adorable, hyung. I could never ignore you.
Kind regards,
Oh Sehun
Junior Office Administrator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 15:56
To: Oh Sehun [[email protected]]
Fwd: Re: Re: Re: Re: Oops my bad
Look at what Oh-please--me-now just emailed me. And you said I had no game.
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Oh Sehun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 15:45
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Re: Re: Oops my bad
You’re adorable, hyung. I could never ignore you.
Kind regards,
Oh Sehun
Junior Office Administrator
From: Oh Sehun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 16:02
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Fwd: Re: Re: Re: Re: Oops my bad
Hyung, I think you forwarded this to me by mistake again.
Kind regards,
Oh Sehun
Junior Office Administrator
From: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 16:08
To: Oh Sehun [[email protected]]
Re: Mail delivery failed: returning message to sender
This message was created automatically by mail delivery software.
A message that you sent could not be delivered to one or more of its recipients. This is a permanent error. The following address(es) failed:
[email protected]
(ultimately generated from [email protected])
No Such User Here"
Best regards,
Byun Baekhyun
Sales Executive
From: Oh Sehun [[email protected]] Fri 19/12/14 16:16
To: Byun Baekhyun [[email protected]]
Re: Re: Mail delivery failed: returning message to sender
At least delete your footer, hyung.
Kind regards,
Oh Sehun
Junior Office Administrator
FUUUUUUUU! Baekhyun cringed at the last email he received from Oh hells-to-the-yeah Sehun. Requiring a little solace from the embarrassment and perhaps a splash of cold water on his face, the male made his way to the facilities, avoiding Sehun in his short commute. He did not expect to be encounter the sight of Jun-twice-in-one-week-this-must-be-a-record-myeon cowering in one of the toilet stalls.
“Junmyeon-ssi?” the sales executive took a tentative step towards the office manager, “Are you alright?”
Junmyeon shivered even though he was sweating buckets, “I-I think I’m on s-something.”
Baekhyun’s jaw dropped, since when was Jun-self-acclaimed-rule-abider-myeon a drug user?
“I-I saw a package on S-Sehun-ssi’s desk and I-I was making sure it wasn’t contraband. I-I was right to look in it because it was f-ing crystal meth and then I-I accidentally came into contact with it and now I-I’m dying, Baekhyun-ssi. I-I think it was a bad batch, laced with something because I d-don’t feel good.” He didn’t look too fresh either.
The brunet backed away from Jun-what-the-hell-has-he-been-smoking-myeon carefully, making sure to not make any sudden movements and casting attention onto himself. Once he exited the restroom, he breathed a heavy sigh of relief. It’s been one helluva week and I really cannot be dealing with any more drama. Sorry but not sorry, Jun-what-do-you-eat-myeon, you’re going to have to sort this out on your own. Baekhyun thought it’d be best to take an early lunch and was not prepared for the scene that would unravel upon his return.
He stood frozen at the entrance, in complete disbelief at what he was currently witnessing. Why is Jun-gramps-myeon standing on his desk, gyrating and hip ing at us? Oh dear god, I do not get paid enough to watch this. What’s he doing now? Is he, is he trying to do a body roll? Old geezer is as stiff as a plank of wood. Like, stiffer than my for Oh why-hello-there Sehun’s face and shoulders and collar bones and milky white skin and why can’t he wear a vest and have a quick nip slip so I can feast my eyes onto his majestic dusty rose pink bud? But no, instead I get a ing grisly eyesore that makes me want to poke my eyes out with a chopstick.
Sehun inspected the package that was currently sitting on his desk and eyed it suspiciously. There didn’t appear to be a return label and he frowned slightly when he noticed that it had already been unsealed. He debated as to whether or not he should open the parcel and decided that he should in case it was work related.
The male closed the box as soon as he determined its contents. He scanned the room to check if anybody else had been watching him. His eyes widened as he glanced over at the current state of the office manager who was in the midst of performing a .
He gazed at his best friend, desperately trying to gain the tooth rich male’s attention, however, all efforts and attempts were in vain because the giant was currently captivated by the spectacle that was Junmyeon who was already halfway into his burlesque show and displaying an awful lot of transparent skin and body hair.
Baekhyun who spent every spare minute of his time,
Before Baekhyun had a chance to intervene, Jun-have-you-not-heard-of-a-razor-myeon grabbed the phone handset and dialled 119.
“Helloooooo. My name is Kim Junmyeon, that’s K-I-M, space, J-U-N-M-M-Y-E-O-N, not J-O-O-N-M-Y-E-O-N or J-O-O-N-M-Y-U-N, no one ever gets it right. But I digress, I currently hold the role the office manager, sales division, of Exo Supplies. I’m like really super duper high on crystal meth right now. High as a kite though I could never really get my kite in flight because I’m not a ing dragon but I like dragons. I especially like dragon with big hands. Yes, indeedy. But about the whole crystal meth thing, that was a total accident, I promise. Like I didn’t even smoke or, or sniff it, or inject it, like how do you even do it. Not . I know how to do . Well, make love. But drugs. Like how do you even? It entered my bloodstream when I accidentally touched it with my finger so like skin on skin contact has made me a ing drug addict. My parents are so going to disown me when they find out, I have not been a manager for seven years to have it all go down the ing drain because I poked a crystal, with my finger that is, not my . Regardless, I am aware that substance abuse is punishable by the law and I am willing to accept my jail time for my offence. Please send officers to Exo Office Supplies Floor 12, 521, Apgujeong 2-Dong, Gangnam-Gu, Seoul, 135906, South Korea. I will not be resisting arrest.”
What the actual ? What does this geezer think he’s doing? Did he just seriously call the police? The po po? Is he ing serious? Oh my ing god. Is he going to get arrested? Am I going to get ing arrested for accidentally pseudo drugging him? Am I going to get fired? Does this mean I won’t get to see Oh look-at-that-bulge Sehun again? Don’t do this to me. What did I ever do to deserve this? This is not cool, not ing cool at all.
“Is there anything that I need you to inform you of? Well, when I was eight years old, I snuck into my parents room when they were sleeping and stuck a lemon in my dad’s mouth. When I was twelve, I tried on my cousin’s bra, and I liked the way it felt. It made me feel pretty and supported. There was also a time when I couldn’t get an ; I was eighteen and I thought I was done. I thought my was dead; it wasn’t. Why am I telling you this? You said you wanted to know. Yes, I’ve already told you that I’m high on crystal meth. I poked it and now I’m higher than Wi Yifan, the CFO. No, he’s not high with me; I just mean that he’s tall. Like really tall. And he has these big hands and it kinda makes me think: is it true what they say? You know, big hands equals big ? Hello? Are you still there? I thought I had to stay on the line with you until the officers arrive? They’ve been dispatched? Lovely. I’d best put the kettle on and make them a cuppa. No, I’m not British, I’m high. I don’t have to remain on the line? Okay, well it was lovely speaking to you. May I ask for your name, I must contact your superior and inform them of the stand up job you’re doing. Hello? Hello? The phone battery must have died.” The manager placed the handset back on its base. “I think we need to replace the batteries on the phone.”
“They don’t take batteries, they plug into the socket!” someone called out.
“Ah, sockets. One time I tried to make lightning by urinating on one. Fyi, that’s not how lightning is made. No it is not. I’ll stick with water. Make it rain, es. Jongdae, you can be in charge of the lightning and thunder. BOOM! Booty goes BOOM BOOM BOOM! But I digress, back to the point; perhaps it’s time to replace the electrical wiring of this building. Someone please make a note of it and remind me. Preferably when I’m not riding the unicorn wave.” the doped manager babbled. “Before they arrest me, I want to tell you all something. Please don’t lose hope, I want you to go from no hope to hope. You guys are capable of anything and everything. You can be the president, or even the Statue of Liberty. I wish we could’ve spent more time together, chase each other, braid each other’s hair and laugh at the sun.”
“Hi, we’re looking for a Kim Junmyeon-ssi?” two officers entered the office, interrupting the weirdest speech made by anyone, ever.
“Is that Kim Junmyeon, or Kim Joonmyeon, or Kim Joonmyun?”
“Er, K-I-M, space, J-U-N-M-Y-E-O-N?” one of the uniformed men replied.
“Ah, right. That’s me. Well, on with the handcuffs then. It’s been a while since I’ve felt the cold metal of one of these babies.” One of the officers cocked his eyebrow. “Oh no, this is definitely the first time I’ve been apprehended. I’m a straight arrow, I am. One hundred and eighty degrees. I meant for recreational use.”
“So where are the narcotics?”
Sehun squeaked before handing over the box. “Now, young man. Do the narcotics belong to you?” The male shook his head. “They were sent to me, I have no idea who they’re from.”
Baekhyun sat idly by, not really sure if he should reveal himself as the sender of the pseudo drugs. “Wait a minute, this isn’t crystal meth. There’s an invoice here. It says it’s just regular crystals. Clear quartz to be precise.”
Phew. No one’s going to jail. I don’t have to worry about keeping a firm grip on the soap when I showing or hugging the wall with my .
After the whole incident was cleared up and the police were satisfied that the source of Jun-god-that-was-ing-embarrassing-myeon’s “high” was not drug related in the slightest, they gave the office manager a warning for wasting police time (and for being ridiculously stupid because who acts that way when they’re not actually high?), it was about time to get ready for the annual Christmas party.
The yearly holiday festivity was usually a tame affair, people usually got slightly merry, but not overly so, unless your name is Kim Jongdick who had a bit a tendency to spike the eggnog with bourbon, talk about a good kick; one glass of his eggnog recipe usually had the brunet hungover for a month, at least. The mistletoe hanging from the ceiling never really amount to anything, just some timid kisses on the cheeks, again, unless your name is Kim Jongdae who had an infamous reputation of going full on attack assassin mode with your lips being his intended target. And trust me, he had not missed a hit, not once.
As the office was getting ready for the reception, Baekhyun remained stationed at his desk, repeatedly tablepalmingg his desk for being the biggest imbecile to ever grace the planet.
All his Secret Santa gifts thus far had failed miserably of ing epic proportions. First, he bought a personalised dog bowl for Sehun’s dog, his ing dead dog; with the wrong ing name no less. Then he ordered him a ing plant that no doubt screamed, “Hey, I’m into tentacle ”. Let’s not forget how the sales executive almost killed his crush and got him sent to the hospital; good thing the 50% limbs + 50% ears technician located Sehun’s epipen before his throat closed up.
And last but not least, the whole incident with the clear quartz the brunet had bought to “heal and harmonise the chakras” of the junior office administrator. How was he to know that they were going to shatter during transit and which made it look crystal meth? And why the was Kim Jun-should-just-mind-his-own-ing-business snooping around Oh how-can-someone-be-so-ing-ual Sehun’s cubicle anyway? The ing useless had to go and call the ing police and told them he was high on “crystal meth”? It’s a damn ing shame that they didn’t arrest him for wasting police time and only gave him a slap on the wrist. So now everyone’s going to have to sit through looking at his repugnant mug, probably dressed up as Santa, for tonight’s festive shindig.
I wonder if Sehun’s dressing up? It might be a Christmas party but I wouldn’t mind seeing him in a birthday suit. I would not mind at all, not one ing bit. To see what those shoulders look like behind those crisp but very opaque shirts he’s been wearing to work. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the kid looks fine in dress shirts, more than fine, ual even. But do you know what would look even more ual? Sehun. Sehun. Yes, that would be very very nice nice. Maybe I should try and petition for ‘ Fridays’ instead of ‘Casual Fridays’? Who wouldn’t want a piece of the milky goodness that is Oh -me Sehun? What I wouldn’t do to get a taste of that tall glass of milk. How to not want to that face whenever I see it? How to not rip of those clothes and straddle?
“Baek, brah, you’re ing drooling again. And he ain’t even in your line of vision this time. You gots it bad, like for reals.” Jongdae teased.
“Leave me alone,” Baekhyun groaned.
“Don’t you think Junmyeon hyung is looking hella fine tonight?” the other male muttered in a hushed tone.
Baekhyun glanced over at the office manager who was rocking a festive snowman jumper; complete with a 3D carrot that he probably uses to pleasure himself with because there’s no way he manages to get himself laid. “That’s not possible, like ever. Bruh, how about I get you some glasses for Christmas?”
“No, but seriously. Look at him in that snowman sweater. He’s proper working it, werk it, twerk it, merk it. I’ve never been so ually aroused by a carrot before. I mean, I’m just feeling the whole grandpa look, maybe I have some kinda gran because I wouldn’t mind on his hard sweets. I wonder if he’s got any mint humbugs in those maroon coloured corduroys, or candy canes. I definitely wouldn’t mind him sticking his candy cane into my mouth and I bob up and down, tongue and–”
Baekhyun felt his phone vibrate, talk about saved by the bell. The brunet left his clearly already inebriated best friend to his disturbing fantasies as he unlocked his phone to see a text message from an unknown number. He opened the message and his eyeballs almost popped out of their sockets at the sight bestowed before him; it was a picture of a ing with a bow ribbon attached to it. Below the image read: ‘Hey hyung. Merry Christmas. From your Secret Santa, Sehun.’
Wait a second, I said hang on a ing moment, would you please?! What is that?! What the actual is that? Just shut the front door and back the truck up. Is that what I think it is? What are my eyes seeing, right now? What is this? What. The. . Like, what? How? Who? Why? When? What? Where? Just, please. Please. No. Nope. Not happening. Nup. Can’t. Nuh uh. No, sir, you may not have this polka dotted tie. I need this to ride my hot air balloon on Wednesdays. Hump days. Wank days. Stains. Cheese. . ing . . . Willy. Knob. Meat stick. Snake plant. It’s a snake plant. He already has a ing snake plant. impaler. Fifth limb. Tree stump. Ding a ling wanting a ting a ling on my ring a ling. Man muscle. Pee pee that can do a pee pee. Would you like some salami in your panini? Or perhaps a sausage with that sclong? Got wood? Someone call the ing doctor because my ing hurts. I am so ing hard I think my has a ing hard on.
“What’s that you got there?” Do Kyungsoo, the Head of HR, enquired.
“N-Nothing! Wait, did Jongdae just put down the glass without using a coaster?” Baekhyun blurted out, distracting the short squishy male from the explicit text. If no-shoulders-Kyungsoo saw the message, Baekhyun would probably have to had spent the rest of the social function listening to how-many-shoelifts-do-you-wear-Kyungsoo lecture him about interoffice relationship policies.
“That er, he thinks he can get away with this? First he vomits in front of my office and now he wants to leave nasty dirty rings on the desks?! I’ll show him, I’m going to ram up the coasters so far up his arse he’ll be known as the coaster vending machine from now on.” the Head of HR stormed off angrily muttering to himself. I do not want to be Jongdick right about now. No one has been around long enough to tell the tale of Kyungsoo’s wrath. Last year, the scariest looking guy Baekhyun had ever met, Huang Zitao, had picked Do Kyungsoo as his Secret Santa recipient and thought it to be a good idea to get a mug that said ‘size matters’. No one has heard from him since last year’s soirée. They said he was transferred to another department, one that apparently doesn’t exist. Yes, the Head of Human Resources was not a force to be reckoned with, and whatever you do, do not make fun of his size, or make a mess; an untidy office equals an unhappy do-not-be-fooled-by-his-appearance-he-is-actually-Satan-reincarnated-Kyungsoo. But what makes a happy Baekhyun is crotch shots of Oh that-will-break-me-in-half Sehun, even if the juicy parts have been obscured by that blasted–
“IS THAT A ING BOW RIBBON ON A ?! WHO’S DING DONG DOES THAT BELONG TO?! IT’S MAHOOOOSIVE!” Jongdae screeched, deafening Baekhyun in one ear. The elder male immediately locked his phone and tried hiding it from the other.
“Get in, son. Hey brah, take this. I don’t think I’ll be needing this tonight. Junmyeon hyung’s been stuffing his face with food. Think I’ll be waiting after he takes his next week before I approach.” The younger male handed him a foiled wrapper. A ing rubber? Prrft, I don’t want to use a ing . I want to ride him and feel his au naturel.
“Hey, hyung.” Sehun sneaked up on him out of nowhere.
“H-Hey,” the shorter male stammered.
“Did you receive the text that I sent?” the taller male asked, apprehension present in his voice.
“Y-Yeah, I did. So, I guess we were each other’s Secret Santa? W-What were the odds of t-that?” the shorter male stuttered as he thought back to the text message the other male had sent.
“Well, first we need to work out how many people were participating and then we could work out the probability using–” Baekhyun grinned at how adorably cute the other male was.
“Hyung, are you laughing at me?” Sehun pouted.
Dammit, Byun Baekhyun, stop looking at his ing lips. Look him in the eyes, the ing eyeballs. Oh wait, he’s not looking into my eyeballs, he’s looking at my… lips? , I’m looking at his lips again. Look at the tongue darting out of his mouth, I want that tongue darting into my mouth. Okay, eyes up north. , he’s still look at my lips. Should I just kiss him? Should I just take that tongue into my mouth?
“Yes, I would very much like that, hyung.” , did I just say that out loud?
“You’ve been ranting about my lips for a while actually.” my ing life. Baekhyun’s not so internal thoughts and accidental confession appeared to have empowered Sehun because the next words to leave his mouth rendered Baekhyun speechless.
“How about I just you?” Yes, please. Wait, what? Before the elder male had time register what the younger had just said, he felt the other male brush his lips against his own. Baekhyun parted his lips slightly, desperate for tongue action, because let’s face it, he’s been dreaming for Oh is-this-really-happening Sehun’s tongue for a long time, a very long time. The taller male wasted no time in putting that tongue to good use and the shorter male almost creamed his trousers, there and then.
Baekhyun felt the strong hands around his waist, pulling him closer as he melted into the kiss; the warmth of his mouth sent a current coursing through his veins. Sehun changed the pace of the kiss and softly brushed over Baekhyun’s lips before he gently nibbled on his bottom lip. The elder male released a sound of pleasure as the other’s lips traced his jawline and down his neck. Baekhyun felt the hot breathe on his nape and rolled his head back to allow more access for him to be marked when he was suddenly being kissed passionately on the mouth, lips pressed firm and hard against him. The male pushed back against the lips and took the other’s tongue and on it sensually as his hands reached up to run through Sehun’s soft locks.
Needing to break for air, the two of the reluctantly parted lips as they gasped for oxygen. They both smiled, practically eye ing each other. To say Oh those-are-the-most-delicious-lips Sehun was a good kisser is like saying that the sun was kind of hot. Speaking of hot, Oh his-body-should-be-illegal Sehun pushing Baekhyun against the wall was exactly that, sizzling hot. Oh let-me-feel-you-on-top-of-me Sehun attacking his lips with his own was impossibly scorching hot.
As their lips clashed together again, both desperate, eager and hungry to taste each other, they pushed each other against walls, bumped into cubicles, moving away from the crowded party and seeking an isolated area, away from prying eyes and wagging tongues; a location where they wouldn’t be interrupted. Somehow they found themselves in an office where they could have some
“Wait, whose office are we in?” the smaller murmured, immediately regretting asking the question because the other withdrew his lips to respond.
“I think Junmyeon bujangmin’s? Oh wait, do you think we should go somewhere else?”
“Oh hells to the no!” The brunet had always want to do that thing where you push everything off the desk to clear it but he’d never had any real reason to. It felt good. It felt even better knowing that he wouldn’t have to deal with organising his desk again come Monday morning. But the yummy frosting on the drool inducing cupcake was the fact that Oh how-do-you-taste-so-good Sehun was currently kissing his neck whilst he was sat on said unobstructed desk with the smaller male’s legs wrapped around the taller’s. He could feel Sehun in between his legs, rock hard.
“, your thighs are ual.” Sehun moaned as his hands began to explore Baekhyun’s body.
“Your face is ual.” the brunet shuddered as he felt the other male’s nails digging into his skin.
“Hyung…” Sehun breathed into the other male’s mouth as his hands worked its way under Baekhyun’s shirt.
“...Yes?” Baekhyun mewled as he felt Sehun’s pad brush over his .
“Can I… Can I please on those pretty fingers of yours?” Baekhyun swore he could feel the heat rush to the other male’s face as he blushed after the request. Instead of responding, he brought his fingers to the male’s mouth as the latter opened his mouth, who greedily on the digits offered to him.
So this is what heaven feels like, tastes like. If Oh that-tongue-is-incredible Sehun on my fingers can make me feel this good, I think I might pass out if he were to ever take my into his mouth. Oh god, I want to his mouth. And I want him to my mouth, I want to taste him. I need to feel his hitting the back of my throat as he s past my lips. I want him to take me, his hands pushing my head down onto his as I bob up and down his delicious shaft. Spread me open and pound into me until I scream his ing name so loud that I lose my voice. I wonder how it’ll feel when I ride him. Oh how I can’t wait to straddle that and ride him like he’s never been ridden before. I want him to come so hard that it propels me off his and I hit my head on his ceiling. it if I get a concussion, it’ll be so ing worth it, I kid you not.
“, Sehun. I want you, I want you so ing bad.” Baekhyun gasped as Sehun ed his shirt and dragged his tongue from the top of the elder’s neck, trailing down his chest and farther south until he reached the waistband.
“I want to you, too.” the other male growled into his ear.
“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.” the elder male paused, though the other showed no signs of halting, he could still feel the younger’s lips and hot breath on his skin.
“What?”
“Why are you doing this?” the shorter asked, still not quite believing what was happening.
“Because I like you.”
“No, but why?” Baekhyun repeated.
“Because I’ve wanted to those pretty lips of yours the moment I laid eyes on you. And these fingers,” Sehun mumbled breathly as he took the male’s digits into his mouth again, “these fingers should be ing illegal. How do they expect me to get any work done when I see you typing away with these beautiful hands of yours and all I can think about it what they would look like wrapped around my or yourself? God, you’re so ing beautiful and perfect in every single way. I was just waiting for the day for you to notice me, so when I picked your name for Secret Santa, it was like a ing Christmas miracle. You remember when you told me that your s were so cold that it could through glass? Well, just reading that email gave me a ing raging that I had to go to the bathroom and wank to the image of it. I swear to god, I wanted to scream your name out so bad, that I had to gag myself with my tie. Now, is that reason enough or should I go on?” The revelation that Sehun felt the same way for Baekhyun as he did left Baekhyun with a bright smile, crescent eyes and a fluttering heart.
“T-That’s fine. You’re fine. It’s fine. is fine. Speaking of fine es, how did you know I wasn’t going to report you to Do Kyungsoo-ssi for ual harassment after you sent that photo, which I’m going to print off and frame by the way?” the male shivered as Sehun worked his tongue over his sensitive .
“Please, if anybody were going to be reporting someone for ual harassment, it would be me reporting you.” the taller male tittered quietly before leaning in and resumed marking the other’s body.
“Say what now? Come again?” Baekhyun threw his head back, feeling overwhelmed with the pleasure he was currently experiencing.
“Yeah, you’re not exactly discreet, hyung. You know, with all the staring. And the drooling. I was tempted to get you a giant box of tissues as part of the Secret Santa present. And don’t worry, hyung. I’ll make sure you’ll come, again and again.” the younger purred as he peppered light kisses down the Baekhyun’s neck.
I think I just ed myself. me, how can he so ing ual? Like how?
“So how about we go back to mine and you can unwrap your present?” Sehun whispered into the smaller male’s ear seductively. The elder was at a loss for words and managed to give a slight nod, a smile adorned his face as he felt the other male interlock his fingers in between his own and gently led him towards the exit.
Merry ing Christmas, Byun Baekhyun. Merry ing Christmas, indeed.
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