jungkook is falling.

at least he feels like he is.

or maybe it’s just his stomach sinking, or the feeling of his heart falling into his stomach and dissolving in the acid that sits there. burning, liquefying.

it hurts. and he absolutely hates that it does. that it still does, because he'd spent day and night, for weeks, comforting himself, telling himself not to hurt anymore. and for awhile, it had worked. he'd lost himself in his job, in his friends, learning english, writing words that would never come to him when he needed them most.

he hasn't talked to jimin in awhile. it wasn't that he'd fallen out of touch with his best friend. they were simply too busy leading separate lives to meet too often. it happened when you studied at different universities, an hour away from each other, and started working full time when the summer officially started.

it didn't matter to either of them. they still talked and texted and pestered each other with things one bothers their best friend about almost every day. it's easy for them.

today, jungkook treats his hyung to bingsu. he's maybe twenty dollars more poor but they they catch up, and jungkook is so glad to meet him again. it's always great to see him. their conversations, as they always do, settle into more intimate topics. it's never uncomfortable with jimin. they discuss recent achievements, their mutual friends, their not-mutual friends, and love.

jimin has a girl. a girl he's never met but to whom he talks often, who makes him feel giddy and and who he desperately wants to meet. and she wants to meet him, if the fact that she's willing to travel from japan to south korea to do just that is of any indication.

he only knows about her what jimin has told him, and though he's worried, he's still excited for jimin.

for a long time, they thought it was never going to work out, what with the distance, and the way their goals and ambitions would only physically set them further apart. emotionally, it almost did, but like in most of jimin's relationships, they both fell too hard too fast, and couldn't see giving up as something they needed to do. jungkook thinks it's almost tragically romantic.

jungkook has a boy. he has yoongi.

yoongi, who he should think of as nothing more than a friend. maybe his best - no, just a very close friend. a very close friend for whom he fell too hard, gradually, at a snail's pace and then suddenly way too fast, when he recognized his feelings.

yoongi who broke his heart without meaning to, not really. who pushes and pulls him and offers him casual kisses but never delivers. who asks him how his day is but only because he asks first. and he really tries not to let it affect him. sometimes, he's able to resist. but he tells jimin, some days, when remnants of his old self, the one who was buried and blinded by his feelings for a boy, his very close friend , surface, those days are the hardest. he tells jimin, a dry laugh falling from his lips, 'i really liked him, hyung.' he really did. (he really does?)

but i'm really sad now jiminie LOL

and he really ing is. he's letting it get to him because he can't help it, how his insecurities, tucked away in a drawer in his mind, burst out of the drawer because he yanks on it too hard trying to fix it, trying to make it go back into the hole.

NO DON'T BE SAD

NOOOOO

THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS

jungkook replies with a smiley face and a gun emoticon next to it. in the following message, he answers with the downcast one, the yellow head who is looking down and away sadly. and it's fitting because he feels so inadequate, he isn't good enough. he isn't what yoongi wants.

he tries, he tries really hard, not to let it affect him. but he isn't what yoongi wants and that will eat away at him forever. he knows it will. because yoongi is the closest thing to his first love and he hates himself for it. because he will never be what yoongi wants and he hates himself for it.

ok

<3<3<3

jungkook sits in front of his window and fights back the tears that threaten to spill.

he stands, abruptly, and walks over to his backpack to grab his red notebook and a blue pen on his desk, before sitting himself down on his computer chair and booting up his laptop.

some nights, jungkook can tell himself it's fine. there will be someone, another boy, maybe, that will be good for him. a someone who will hold his heart as carefully as he will hold theirs.

tonight, he pulls up a word document and writes metaphors about how he's feeling because writing, while he both hates and loves it, is an outlet for him. he writes his feelings down before he deletes them. again.