Seungri made sure to sneak out as discretely as possible, even though by that point everyone had been fed and watered enough that they weren’t really paying attention to anything anymore. It also helped that they had all been making steady progress with the wine Seunghyun had brought over for the occasion. A row of open bottles were lined up on the table for a simple “wine tasting” as Seunghyun had called it, though they probably drank much more than what would typically be served at such an event. Much, much more he thought as he mentally tried to count how many glasses he himself had consumed that night, though he seemed to have lost track after the fourth or fifth glass. They were having so much fun, he had hardly noticed how late it had gotten until Daesung made a note of how pretty Youngbae’s solar powered garden lights were in the dark. Seungri smiled at the thought as he pulled the sliding door shut as quietly as possible and stepped out into the yard.

Youngbae’s house was perfect for dinner parties. It had a large dining table, a wide-open space in front of the TV for everyone to hang out in, and this little backyard space for moments like this, a chance for a little reprieve from the party within and a few minutes of silence if nobody catches on.

Although tonight the night air did have a little nip to it that made Seungri thankful for wearing a long-sleeved shirt that day. He settled into a bench situated next to a tree and for a moment he just sat there, not particularly thinking about anything, just simply enjoying the nice ambiance that Youngbae’s little garden provided. He could hear faint laughter from inside the house and through the glass sliding door, Seungri watched Seunghyun make puppy faces at Daesung, the younger shaking his head and smiling softly at Seunghyun’s antics. Beyond them, Seungri could make out Jiyong’s head and Youngbae’s right next to him. They were sitting on the couch and barely visible from Seungri’s position, but he could still hear their laughter intermixed with Daesung’s and Seunghyun’s. It sounded so unburdened and weightless, so carefree.

It felt good to be together again. He never really felt like himself or felt at ease unless he was with the members. They talked about the things they did after they finished the MADE tour, what projects they were working on, what schedules they attended. Youngbae and Jiyong were both furiously working on their solo albums while Daesung had been busy promoting in Japan. Seunghyun split his days between filming and visiting galleries and museums, while Seungri himself had spent countless days meeting up with realtors, financiers, YG, and others to try and get his ramen restaurant off the ground. They had all been busy and even though they spent months living and traveling abroad with each other for the world tour, there were already missing each other by the end of their first week back in Seoul.

Seunghyun was the one who suggested they get together and Youngbae offered up his house as the location. It took a little bit to organize schedules and off days, but when they finally did, that was when the excitement and anticipation began.

Now, the day had finally come and Seungri doesn’t even remember the last time he had laughed or smiled even half as much as he did in the last few hours. The night wore on, their antics settled down, but instead of feeling the steady buzz of content and happiness he should have been feeling, a fleeting thought passed through his mind. It could have been the alcohol and the vague sense of nostalgia that came after they spent a few moments reminiscing about the old times, but the previously fleeting thought found purchase in the back of his mind and anchored itself there. Over the next half hour or so, Seungri found it harder and harder to laugh or smile as the singular thought slowly became all he could think about and it made it difficult to keep up with conversations and interactions when all he could feel was the heaviness of that one thought weighing down on his mind.

In the end, it was easier to remove himself from the room. Better to keep to himself lest he ruin everyone else’s fun with one stupid, persistent thought. He was supposed to be the mood maker, he wanted to be that for his hyungs, but...

“Hey.”

He was caught. Seunghyun was suddenly in front of him and he could hear the sound of the sliding door shutting close again as Daesung was the last to come out to the garden. Jiyong’s firm hand gave his shoulder a squeeze and Seungri could already feel his face heat up at the realization that he had been so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t even notice the arrival of his hyungs.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Youngbae, who had been behind Jiyong, sat in the empty space beside him on the bench.

“You were thinking about it again, weren’t you?” he asked gently. Something in his tone of voice made Seungri feel as if he was a trainee again and the world had fallen out from beneath his feet when he had been eliminated. Youngbae had been there to see him off and as they embraced, he thought that his dreams were slipping through his fingers like water.

“Yeah,” Seungri answered quietly.

He knew he didn’t need to explain himself. He had talked about the matter before, years ago when he had jokingly brought it up while in a semi-drunken state, trying to mask the uncertainty and worries behind the smiles and laughter. He had been alone with the members, just like now. The thought came to mind again and he had been too drunk to filter it out.

“I wonder what BIGBANG would be like without me?” he had said, taking the pressure of answering his own question away by bringing another drink to his lips.

It would be better without me, his mind supplied. They don’t need me here. I’m just...It probably would have been better if I had been the one to eliminated back then.

All of the unspoken answers were brought to the forefront of his mind all at once. He thought he had masked his feelings well, he had always been good at that, or so he thought, but something about the way he had asked that question caught everyone’s attention.

They all turned their eyes to look at him as the smile faded from his face upon his own realization.

He had said it, those terrible answers he had thought were just stuck in his head. He had said it out loud.

Suddenly, Jiyong had grabbed his arm almost painfully and forced him to look up into his eyes.

“Don’t you ever think that again,” he said.

Then, as they did now, a pair of arms wrapped around him followed by a flood of others. Youngbae was first this time, because he was the closest to him, followed by Jiyong and then Daesung. Seunghyun was the last one to join in on the group embrace. He held them all together, because he was the only one with the big enough arm span to do so.

“Don’t even think about it,” Youngbae said quietly into his shoulder before repeating the same words they had said to him back then. “You’re right where you belong.”

And somehow, a decade later and surrounded by the members that had always meant so much to him, Seungri found those words easier to digest the second time around. He couldn’t say much, he could never find the words in times like this to say anything, but he drew in a ragged breath and he could feel the arms around him tighten in response. It should have felt suffocating, it normally would have under any other circumstance, but tonight, it felt like they were the only thing keeping him grounded to reality, a reminder that this was reality, not the dark and sad world that lived in his head.

The doubt was still there and it would most likely resurface again in the future, but in that moment, with the hyungs holding him together when he felt the most weak and vulnerable, Youngbae’s words repeated themselves over and over again inside of his mind.

“You’re right where you belong.”

And he believed it.

An idea I had a while back that somehow came to fruition on Seungri's birthday.