Performing without everyone was rough, but they could manage it.

 

The missing member’s parts were covered by the respective members, and while the stage felt longingly empty, the fans didn’t cheer any less loud. The leader had explain the absence prior to the concert– that they were heartbroken to perform without him, but he insisted upon it. Watching them dance was like watching a movie with your favorite scenes cut out. There wasn't much fumbling around, due to altered routines, but it made a few members emotional.

 

They gathered together at the end to join hands and bow. Yoongi was at the end of the line, nodding and waving to the fans, until he felt something in his chest. A sudden congestion. It felt as though his insides had solidified, seizing all function. A violent force was slamming against his chest, desperately needing to escape. He's never felt anything like this before. In response, he coughs.

 

That's not what he was expecting. The cough felt nearly like he threw up his heart, but what was residing in his hand was no organ. Yoongi blinks in disbelief. Yellow flower petals, fading to a more golden hue at the tips. At least three in his hand, few more falling to the ground. Enough fans saw this to make a collective gasp that caught the group’s attention. The owner of the hand that’s glued to Yoongi’s– Jungkook– stares in utter horror, while the victim was just baffled. Namjoon, knowing he must do something as the leader but unsure of what to do, says a shaky countdown (hana, du, set) and brings their line into a bow. They force fake smiles and scuttle offstage, Taehyung beginning to scream at the flower petals that Yoongi releases with another cough.

 

“Hey, shut up!” Seokjin manages to whisper with harsh and loud tones. “No one say anything about this to anyone. We’re already ed because the fans saw it.” Yoongi coughs again, Jungkook rubbing his back.

 

“What the ,” he sputters out, glaring at the petals on the ground. “What the is happening.”

 

“Hanahaki.” Everyone’s attention, including the walking flower shop, shoots toward Namjoon. “Don't look at me like I’m crazy! It's the only thing that makes sense! He's the one barfing up flowers!” No one can argue with that.

 

“So… Who is it?” Hoseok asks cautiously. Attention swings back to Yoongi. He looks up at them in return.

 

“I– I… I don't know.” He coughs again, his face scrunching in disgust when he has to pull a petal from off his tongue. “Gross.”

 

“How do you not know?” Jungkook says, having taken a step back for his own personal comfort.

 

“I just– don't, I don't ing know, okay.” More coughing fills a palpable silence underneath the continuous cheers from the crowd. “Can we please get me the out of here now.”

 

“Alright dude, chill,” Namjoon hisses under his breath, patting Yoongi’s back before wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Continuing this as the six of them exit the concert hall and head toward their vans is suspicious to the press, and they make sure to get plenty of pictures.

A bucket was placed in Yoongi’s hands as soon as possible. Seokjin said he “didn't want the dorm to become a flower garden.” Taehyung disagreed, but he had no say in the matter over the eldest. They all have gathered together, the atmosphere similar to that of a criminal investigation. Four of them stand in the kitchen, or lean against something in it, while Namjoon sits across the table from the man in question. His fingers thoughtfully tapping is the only sound in the room. Taehyung has pulled a chair next to Yoongi and is hugging him compassionately, looking down into the pool of petals.

 

“So.” Hoseok claps his hands. No one says anything. “Hyung is in love with some mysterious person, correct? Or no?” Nods and sounds of agreement all around. Yoongi groans, Taehyung the only one to hear him say “why me.” He pours out more petals. “Now it's just a question of who. Any ideas?” Silence again.

 

“Well, somehow, the media is already taking guesses.” Seokjin shows his phone to the group, an article about Yoongi glowing off of it. The title reads: Does BTS's Suga have fictional hanahaki disease?

 

“Oh my God. It's been an hour,” Yoongi whines, Taehyung pulling a petal off his lips. “Why is this happening.”

 

“What are people saying?” Jungkook questions Seokjin with his arms crossed. There's a pause while Seokjin reads comments.

 

“‘The media needs to stop fishing for headlines. Hanahaki isn't a real disease.’ ‘It was probably just staged. AllKpop is too desperate.’ –Things like that. No one really believes it.” Everyone sighs in relief. The last thing they need is for people freaking out about Min Suga coughing up daffodil petals.

 

“Check social media,” Taehyung mumbles, pressing his cheek to Yoongi’s. They wait as he does. Their nerves spike when Seokjin’s expression twists up.

 

“People are believing it here. Inputting guesses and everything.” Yoongi almost wears his bucket as a hat as Namjoon muffles a swear.

 

“... Who are the guesses?” Yoongi asks. He's scared, but he's curious. He wants to figuring out who's torturing him like this. His stupid, ugly, unrequited love.

 

“Um… Hoseok is a big one.” The man spoken of laughs at this, then gets serious very quickly, looking to Yoongi.

 

“It's not me, is it–”

 

“No, it's not, .” Hoseok sighs loudly. “Don't seem too excited.” Jungkook chuckles quietly at the two of them. Hoseok attempts to defend himself, but the elder shuts him down. “Who else?” Seokjin scrolls down on his phone before answering.

 

“People are guessing Jimin, too.”

 

Yoongi’s heart stops. The room gains tension. He looks forward and thinks. . . No.

 

“Oh my God,” he whines loudly, the last syllable being drawn out and converting into groans as the group reacts accordingly: disbelief, followed by wooing and laughing. “It's not funny.” The laughter dies down, and the teasing begins.

 

“I can't believe you ship it too!” Hoseok starts.

 

“Aww, poor hyung has feelings for our little Jimin hyung,” Jungkook adds, with no real cadence of sympathy.

 

“I was always rooting for you two!” Namjoon finishes, earning a laugh from Seokjin.

 

“No no no, it makes sense though–” Taehyung comes to his defense– “‘Cause, we had to perform without Jimin tonight. So, Yoongi hyung must've realized that he had feelings for him, even if he didn't know at first, because he missed him.” There's a chorus of aww, which Yoongi could've lived without.

 

“Don't worry, hyung, he should be back soon,” Hoseok adds, suddenly appearing to care (though he always had).

 

“No.” Yoongi stands abruptly, forcing Taehyung to let go and silencing everyone. He picks his bucket up and begins toward his room. “I don't want to see him.”

 

The slamming of the door puts everyone on edge.

Jimin comes home the next day. Yoongi hasn't left his room since his full diagnosis. There's a pile of torn up daffodils by his bed. He hasn't turned his light on at all. He heard Jimin’s voice through the walls and his heart hurt. Ached. He has never wanted to see someone and not see someone ever again more than he does now. Namjoon explained that Yoongi was super sick and that it was probably not the best idea going to visit him. Seokjin, who shares a room with the patient, had given up on trying to clean up the flowers. They were appearing way too often for him to try anymore. He instead served as Yoongi’s outlet to talk.

 

Being in love with someone in his group was pretty humiliating. He would rather not talk about it, but the smarter part of himself knew he should. Seokjin was very willing to listen competently and provide advice. Yoongi didn't know he had so many feelings locked away inside him. It was refreshing to talk about. Seokjin is going to force him to talk to Jimin, he has been very insistent about that. Yoongi would rather jump into the Han River and remain there until his heart froze over, but Seokjin isn't permitting that.

 

Later that day, after dark, Yoongi heard them tell Jimin about his condition. They asked for permission, and when he said no, they said, “too bad.”

 

“Hanahaki?” Jimin laughs as his says the word. “Yeah, okay. I suppose I’m just gonna walk in there and they’ll be flowers sprouting out the ground?” Yoongi’s heart is racing. Oh God, he's so scared. Why is he so scared? He hears someone, who's not Jimin, sighs, and opens the door.

 

Light shines in and Yoongi sees an angel. He's not disappointed in the slightest to see it’s just Jimin. Wow. He knew he was gorgeous, but– Wow. Jimin’s eyes lock with Yoongi’s, and there are a few quiet seconds before he coughs up petals uncontrollably.

 

“Oh, my God, wha–” Despite his doubts, he rushes to Yoongi’s side, sitting close next to him. Yoongi coughs so hard for so long that it becomes a main event for everyone in the dorm. It hasn't been this intense before. As it calms down, Seokjin excuses them, closing the door and turning on the light. “It's– It’s a real disease.” Yoongi wipes his mouth and tries to avoid looking at him. “I’m so sorry, hyung.”

 

“I'm okay.”

 

“You're not.” Jimin hugs him. Jimin hugs him and he wants to cry. “Can I ask who it is?” The answer is instant.

 

“No.” Jimin doesn't push any further. He's very understanding. He pulls back from his hugs and holds Yoongi’s face. Now he's just being unfair. Yoongi’s dying inside. He looks at Jimin’s lips for way too long. He forces himself to blink up to Jimin’s eyes.

 

“I'm sorry.” Ironically, it sounds like an apology.

 

The conversation switches to a discussion about how the concert went and how they did without him. Yoongi said it felt weird, but they did okay. Jimin said he wishes he could've made it, but Yoongi told him not to worry, family comes first. Then, after Yoongi asked, Jimin informs him that his mother is doing much better, and that they have nothing to worry about.

 

Yoongi enjoys the humble conversations more than anything. He loses any tension and sits through the conversation with ease. Jimin doesn't freak out anymore with the occasional floral outburst and continues his stories that make him giggle, which makes Yoongi’s heart sing. But it also makes it long. Jimin doesn’t feel the same. That's exactly what the illness inquires. Jimin doesn't love him. He never will. The facts dawn on him throughout the hour, and Yoongi finds himself feeling depressed. As discreetly as possible, he send an S.O.S. text to Seokjin. Thankfully, he comes into the room no more than two minutes later. He makes up an excuse, saying that Yoongi needs his rest, and Jimin understands.

 

“You okay?” Yoongi stares blankly at the door. Seokjin sits next to him as his sees tears in his eyes.

 

“No. Don't touch me.”

It's been a month since then. Rumors of Yoongi’s hanahaki circulated for a week, caused a lot of arguments and debates, but has since died down. It's been hard to keep it quiet– literally. Seokjin had tried giving him cough syrup weeks back (even though Yoongi heavily refused it like a child), and surprisingly, it was working. Just for a few hours, though, which is usually what he needs to get through variety shows and fan meets. Hanahaki had just become a normal part of their lives, as depressing as that sounds. But there was one weird change. Yoongi went from coughing up daffodils to tiny purple petals.

 

“Hoseok,” Yoongi says, barely audible. The dumb label on the dumb container said he wasn't allowed to have anymore medicine for the rest of the dumb day, and he is suffering. He had found Hoseok playing some handheld game on the couch, and decided to litter him with flowers. Currently, Yoongi’s head is in Hoseok’s lap as the latter brushes his fingers through his hyung’s hair to hopefully sooth him. “Hoseok, help me.”

 

“I can't.” Yoongi whines. “This hanahaki has turn you into a real wimp, you know that?”

 

“Okay, jackass, how would you feel if you had plants pouring out of your mouth?”

 

“Alright, fine. You win.” At this time, Yoongi coughs up more petals that float down to Hoseok’s feet. Hoseok leans forward to confirm a suspicion. “The– Did the color change?”

 

“Not just the color, actually. I think there's a new species in my stomach.” There's a slight pause. Yoongi then hears the sounds of Hoseok’s phone keyboard.

 

“The ones before were daffodils, right?”

 

“Um, yes? I think so? Why?” Yoongi rotates to look up at Hoseok. “You're not looking up that stupid symbolism , are you?” Hoseok rolls his eyes.

 

“You can't tell me that you don't believe symbolism. You. The floral nightmare.” Yoongi groans. He doesn't really see much of a connection, but he's not in the mood to argue right now.

 

“Fine, fine, whatever. What do daffodils mean, then?” he asks flatly. Hoseok makes sounds of thoughtfulness as he searches for the answer.

 

“Well, they mean a lot of things. And apparently–” He stops suddenly. Yoongi waits a second for a response, but doesn't get one.

 

“What?”

 

“Oh no.”

 

“What?” Hoseok gains a saddened expression and repeats himself. “Oh my God, what–” He leans down to press a wet kiss on Yoongi’s forehead, still not explaining anything. “Wait, whoa– What?! What is it?!”

 

“One of the meanings is unrequited love.” Yoongi sits up and on Hoseok’s lap as he's shown proof on a cellphone. He looks at the younger like he's a complete idiot, only glancing briefly at the phone.

 

“Is this supposed to be new information?” Hoseok shakes his head, directing his focus back to his phone.

 

“No. But it's still sad.” Yoongi doesn't like being pitied. “I'm sad that you really do have an unrequited love. I’m sorry, hyung.”

 

“I don't need your pity,” he mumbles quietly. He doesn't need that reminder. He's reminded enough already; every time he sees Jimin, hears his voice, hears his name. Jimin doesn't love him back and he never will. Never, ever, ever, ever– “But, um. What about the new flowers. What do they mean?” Hoseok looks Yoongi condescendingly. “Shut up.” He tries not to laugh.

 

“Well, since you're so interested all of a sudden–” But he can't hold back teasing his elder a little. “We’ll just have to look it up then.”

 

So they spend a few minutes filing through the Google results for “purple flowers” until they find a picture that matches the petals that stain the inside of Yoongi’s mouth. They discover that they are hyacinths. The next thing that they do is return to the .edu site that Hoseok was reading off earlier. The two freeze upon seeing the meaning for purple hyacinths. Hoseok looks to Yoongi, who looks down and bites his lip. He kisses him a few more times, on the cheek instead.

 

“No, no. Stop– Stop it,” he says, pushing Hoseok away. He stands up, blows out some hair and ruffles his blond hair. “I’m. I’m just going to sleep. See you later.” Hoseok doesn't say anything, since Yoongi is gone before he can. After a moment to recollect himself, he looks back at the words on the screen: “Hyacinth (Purple) - Sorrow.”

Jimin is holding his hand. Oh my God, Jimin is holding his hand. Yoongi looks toward the three hosts, speaking amongst each other in a language he can't understand, as he tries to steady his breathing. Who's idea was it to sit them next to each other? Yoongi was just sitting there, minding his own business, listening to a Korean translation (of a question that was ultimately answered in English from Namjoon anyway), and suddenly he felt a light, feathery touch of Jimin’s fingertips in his palm, sliding to entwine their fingers tightly. Yoongi’s heart jumped instantly. He didn't refuse it in the slightest. It's not the first time they've held hands. It's just– so different now. The worst thing is that he feels the medicine wearing off.

 

He had taken it just thirty minutes ago. It usually lasts hours. Out of precaution, Namjoon explained his condition to the MCs, but they all laughed and thought he was kidding. They didn't believe it a month ago when they heard the rumors. Maybe they'll believe it now. Yoongi coughing made the entirety of BTS turn in his direction. Jimin tightens his grip. Thankfully, it’s a moment when the hosts were on screen. Eric Nam is the only one to glance over (because of the big reaction), and it’s obvious that he’s suspicious. Yoongi looks up to see what everyone was thinking, and they all looked very alarmed. Eric gasps at the flower petal on his lower lip. Seokjin realizes this, and waves his fingers in front of his neck to signal that they have to stop somehow. It's a live show that didn't have any breaks in between. Couldn't have picked a better time for the medicine to malfunction. Yoongi coughs again and Eric gets nervous. He interrupts his co-host, rather unprofessionally, and comes up with some excuse, trying to discreetly signal to tech that they need to go off air for a moment. Jimin lets go of his hand and tries to comfort him, but he's just making it worst. As soon as a crew member angrily says that they're off-air, Yoongi runs away into some bathroom.

 

“What the hell was that?!” MC Jimin yells at Eric, hitting her cards to the back of Eric’s head. Kevin doesn't say anything and tries to observe the scene as Eric and Jimin bicker. BTS is in a flurry. They're looking at each member with panic, not sure how to handle the situation. Jimin states he's going after Yoongi, and everyone jumps to turn him down (totally not obvious). Jungkook goes instead.

 

“Dude, what the hell!” he mimics the hostess’ words. “That's going to bring so much bad attention to us!” There’s already several purple petals accumulating in the sink.

 

“Don't speak to me like that,” Yoongi says. Jungkook closes his eyes and shakes his head. He's always been very particular about how those younger than him speak to him. Jungkook doesn't think this is the time. “And it's not my fault.”

 

“My deepest apologies, hyung.” All Yoongi has to do is turn his head away from the sink to give Jungkook a look– pretty much his normal expression, just sickened– that scares him into respect. “S-Sorry.” Yoongi faces the sink again, still holding the cold edges for dear life. “Um… So… I guess the medicine stopped working? Weird.”

 

“He was holding my hand.” Jungkook nods, understanding. Yoongi hears slow footsteps walking toward him. Then he feels a hand rubbing back.

 

“That , dude– hyung. Seriously. I’m sorry.” The sympathy almost surprises him. Jungkook and he aren't very close, and he appreciates it a lot. Soon after, Seokjin rushes into the bathroom, followed by Taehyung and Hoseok.

 

“Okay, what the hell?” Seokjin starts, but is quickly reminded by the group maknae that they already when through this, along with explain the little bit he knew. Seokjin’s broad shoulders drop upon hearing it. “Oh.”

 

“So maybe,” Taehyung starts, “the physical affection from Jimin made his hanahaki more intense and active… What?” Even Yoongi stares at him.

 

“Since when were you such the idea man?” Hoseok questions seriously. Taehyung frowns with offense, but they move on.

 

“What are we going to do?” Jungkook asks. Everyone looks at everyone. No responses.

Jimin is getting anxious.

 

He's been asking more and more. Who is it? Who are you in love with? Is it someone I know? Maybe he could've dropped it if two things weren't true: there weren't constant coughing reminders and if no one else knew. He feels very out of the loop, and he's very bothered by it. He's not letting it go.

 

“Hyung.” He speaks lifelessly as he throws a pencil at Yoongi.

 

“Nope.”

 

“Why not?! Everyone else knows!”

 

“Don't yell at me.” Jimin grumbles and sits back down. Damn respectfulness. Yoongi can't even do the dishes without being bothered by him. Jimin angrily waits for him to finish, watching every moment with his head in a pile of his arms over the table.

 

“Is it me?”

 

Yoongi stops instantly. He can't tell if Jimin was seriously asking or not. From his peripherals, he can see Jimin’s head pick up, waiting expectantly. Yoongi’s heart race is increasing.

 

“No.” Jimin groans and sets his head back down. It's not that he's disappointed, he just wants to know. Why did he lie? That was a great opportunity. But what if Jimin was just kidding? Yoongi knows he doesn't love him back. Why does he deserve to know? His head is beginning to hurt due to all the hypotheses bumping about in his brain.

 

“Then who?” Jimin is startled by the sudden and loud dropping of plates in the sink. Yoongi leans a hand on the counter and stares down Jimin. He's honestly considering telling him just so that he’ll shut up. But if he does that now, Jimin will know he lied. Yoongi doesn't like lying and only does it when completely necessary. Did he waste one of those moments just now? “I– I’m sorry, hyung. I just wanna know.” Yoongi sighs. He should just tell him. Man, it's hard though. From the side of the counter that's in the kitchen, Yoongi leans down against it, head in his hands, looking in his eyes.

 

“Do you really wanna know?” Jimin flashes a painfully gorgeous smile and perks up, fixing his posture.

 

“Please.”

 

Yoongi thinks of thirty different things to say. Thirty different ways to tell this beautiful boy before his eyes that he is in love with him. He feels like his heart is beating audibly loud. Part of him says there's no need, he’ll never love me anyway. That's the best part of this disease. That with each and every breathtaking, painful puff of petals, he's reminded that his love is not returned.

 

“Do you really, really wanna know?” Yoongi carefully takes Jimin’s face in his hands and draws him in close. His eyes widen, cheeks warming in against Yoongi’s skin, not responding this time. What the hell is he doing? They both share this thought. Very cautiously, as if cleaning up shattered glass, Yoongi brings their foreheads together, then their noses, then the skin of their lips barely grace each other's, Yoongi’s chapped, Jimin’s soft, and they sink into it with ease.

 

Jimin tastes ing amazing. He's sweet, like he had just eaten a peach. Yoongi wonders if he tastes like pollen. Kissing Jimin is literally a dream come true. He's pictured this too many times to count, and he now realizes that nothing could've prepared him for all these sparks. They fit well together right. Maybe Yoongi can trick himself into thinking that they're soulmates.

 

They break away for a second to look at each other. Jimin is flushed beyond return. He blinks twice before starting a sentence that should've been something along the lines of “So I was right,” but he trails off as Yoongi brings him back in. The second kiss was softer, physical, emotional. The two feet of granite between them didn't help, but it didn't stop them. Jimin’s standing up now, attempting to get as close as he can. Yoongi pushes his red hair from his face, running his hand to the back of Jimin’s head and grabbing a handful. Jimin makes a reaction sound, similar to that of a moan. Yoongi can't handle the idea of that. Way overwhelming, to the extent where he, as much as he's going to beat himself up for this later, can't allow himself to kiss Jimin any longer. The sound of their lips separating is another dagger to the heart.

 

He’s surprised, for sure. His face is a hue rivaling that of his hair, eyes cast down to his hands fiddling on the counter. Yoongi just looks at him, his lips out of nervousness and partially to savor every bit of Jimin he could. He's trying his best to play cool, be suave, but in reality, his heart had beaten too hard and has completely stopped due to the extra workload. He's horrified of what happens next. What does happen next? What do you say when your close friend kisses you to signal that you're the one he's been in love with for a month?

 

“Um.”

 

Seems fitting.

 

“So,” Jimin continues, although he doesn't know what to say either. He looks cute. Pretty. Yoongi can't help the tiny sparkles in his eyes when he looks at him. He loves all the accessories he wears. His ear piercings, his rings, those circular glasses he wears at night. He's beautiful. Yoongi has probably thought this over a thousand times in the past month. “What now?”

 

“You don't love me.”

 

What?

 

Jimin looks at him, shocked. He knows this. Yoongi’s way of saying was so pained that he doesn't know how to respond. He has made the awkward silence ten times worse.

 

“I’m sorry, I, shouldn't have say that.” Jimin shakes his head.

 

“No, it's true.” Ouch. Yoongi closes his eyes, his life shattering, seams tearing open. He’s been thinking that for weeks, but to hear the verbal confirmation from Jimin was torturous. “But hanahaki doesn't say anything about not liking you.”

 

Yoongi tries to reply but can barely look at him, nonetheless muster words. Jimin smiles down at his hands on the counter.

 

“... What?”

 

“I was pretty jealous when I found out that hanahaki was a real thing, and that you had it, and that it wasn't over me.” Yoongi steps toward him, walking around the obstacle that separated them just seconds earlier. “So, hearing that it was over me kinda freaked me out. In– In a good way, I mean. But I’m sorry that I caused you so much–” With maybe a little too much force, Yoongi drags him up and out of his chair by his collar. He holds nothing back, kissing Jimin for the third time that night. He doesn't seem to mind being cut off, smiling against his lips. The sensation of their bodies pressed together is ridiculously pleasant, and Yoongi finds himself drifting away. And he loves it.