TGIF...not!

Friday nights at the national library is like the Bermuda Triangle of the Atlantic. All, as in Capital A, Capital L and double that, even S class nerds who transcended to the ‘dork side’ of the force, avoid this place at this time of the year. Midterm week just official ended; therefore even dweebs who have books for breakfast up to dinner were no shows in their natural habitat. No bum- procrastinators were pulling an all-nighter in a desperate attempt to pull their grades up and pass. That scenario is saved for the next half of the semester, immediately after receiving their almost-six-feet-under preliminary exam scores and subsequently compromising that they have all the time in the world to save their grades only to blow up the lucrative second chance and cry again as the term reach its closure. It’s a vicious cycle among college students, really. Some of them are probably getting drunk at this very moment – with alcohol or nerdy superhero TV shows he doesn’t really care.

He definitely has nothing against superheroes and their awful one-piece spandex that disables them from answering nature’s calling. In fact, he has this low-key crush on Super Girl. Jaehyun also certainly is not shaming the regulars. He himself is an achiever. Though he frequents the library, he just intended to take his beauty sleep. On his defense, he can’t sleep peacefully at his flat due to some sort of ‘mammal (rabbit) infestation’, plus the air-conditioning system here is mighty fine – no unpleasant ear-scraping noise, not so moist, not too cold. Everything was just right. He was just so so so so cranky since every single friend he hangouts out with were too busy with their own business.

Jaehyun usually spends his Friday nights cooped in Johnny’s apartment that he shared with his ‘friend’ Chittaphon Leechaiyakul chugging bottles of Gatorade and hogging M&M’s while watching American comedy series pirated from the dark, illegal corners of the net. God bless the souls of the seeders. You have a special place in paradise.

But today is not Jaehyun’s day, not totally, actually. He thought it was his day. The calculus exam every senior fears was a piece of cake. The cafeteria is serving his favorite pork floss spring roll. He even finds an old crumpled up and completely forgotten hundred thousand won bill in his worn-out jeans (Jackpot!), which he used to purchase five bags of Lay’s so that he can pig out while laughing at the dark humor from Two Broke Girls and Johnny would not brand him as a total douche-slash-parasite who does nothing but to drain the contents of the elder’s fridge. Today was supposed to be the day that he can shove it on Johnny’s whiny face that he is capable of being a good friend and not a lousy baby burden. This was supposed to be the best day ever.

“Hey hyung~” Jaehyun greeted Johnny with his signature aegyo smile expecting the older to coo at him or be surprised or at least be curious on what’s in the huge paper bags in his hold or why is he too early for their Friday happenings.

It’s five twenty-nine! I usually got here at five thirty. Sharp! A minute could make a difference, right? THAT’S SOMETHING!

“Go away!!! Really!” Johnny was scrambling in his feet vanishing some elsewhere. Jaehyun followed the giant and he was weirded out by the peculiar ambiance of the dining room. Though the dinning table’s dimensions were made to accommodate at least six people, it was arranged in such a way that only a pair are allowed to dig in. There were vanilla scented candles that Jaehyun loathes to core innocently laid to the floor. The table is covered in white linen and the mass of unnecessary forks and dinner knives were arranged with dead precision to imitate the fancy set-up of over-priced restaurants who charged a fortune on their over-named food that has ‘generous’ serving that could perfectly satisfy the cravings of an anorexic. He followed the sound of metals softly crashing unto each other only to be horrified by the scene.

“God! Hyung you’re a natural disaster at the kitchen! What are planning to do? Blow your apartment up?” the younger was sincerely worried for the well being of this hyung as he runs fast and snatch the spatula from the taller.

“I’m just making pasta?” There are many variety of pasta around the corner and Jaehyun was almost sure Johnny’s recipe is the not-edible kind.

“What is this sauce?” he asked as he stirs the green concoction in the pot. This must be pesto but why is it too thick?

“Carbonara sauce”, Jaehyun immediately throw the pot to the sink and let the faucet water drown Johnny’s cooking. Carbonara was never green. Kill it with water!

“Hey what was that for! I made with all my lo – knowledge! Yeah!”

Jaehyun rummages through the pantry, picking up a fresh casserole together with three eggs, a defrosted pancetta, some garlic, Parmesan and a bottle of extra olive oil. He checked if the pasta too was defective but it wasn’t. At least he got one right. “Since when Carbonara turned moldy? Do you want me to get me killed hyung? And since when did you start to go gourmet and have this supply of condiments?” Jaehyun works his master chef abilities, channeling the finesse as he cooks.

“First those are not for you. It’s for Ten. And lastly, I always had condiments here but you probably wouldn’t have guessed I had since the healthiest food we feast on are tacos.” Johnny answered back in a matter-of-fact tone.

Jaehyun chooses to take the taller’s answer as a friendly jest. He pretended to be hurt as he put on a show by clutching his shirt near his chest. “Hyung you’re so mean! I’m dying! Have mercy on my baby heart.”

“Nice try. Your heart is on the left side. And why are you always here, Jaehyun-ah? Your flat is way bigger, cozier and all those gaming consoles your mate owns. Not to mention how large and well-stocked your ref is. Those fruit-infused waters don’t drink themselves. It’s practically heaven on earth!” Johnny rebukes his stay as if he was not welcome.

“I was at Hansol’s last Friday and the week before that we were at Taeil’s remember.” Jaehyun said plainly as he continues to stir the white sauce and let the fragrance fill the room.

“See. That’s what I’m talking about. You’ve been making rounds around your friends’ dorms when you have a more-than-just acceptable place. Who would accompany him?” Johnny ends the sentence, emphasizing the last word. The taller needs no verbal response when the younger’s smiley face turns sour.

“Who?” the younger faked an unknowing face but the deflation of his shoulders gives him away. Johnny looked him at the eye and he means business.

Jaehyun wouldn’t like to admit that he has this ‘unliking’ with his home buddy. But everything about that person made him tick that spurs his urge to punch somebody in the face. It is so not him. Jaehyun may look devilishly handsome but he is a cotton candy deep within.

“How many more semesters are you planning to avoid him?”

That thought never crossed his mind after the two and a half terms that they were flat mates. At first he thought that he had been doing was sound and normal and he’ll get used to it, fleeing to different doorstep and spend the lasts of Friday happy and go back again to him on Saturday morning to finish his school requirements. True enough, he got used to it but his friends aren’t and are a little curious to say the least. He really can’t stand him and he thought he would die spending a full weekend with nobody else but him.

As if weekdays weren’t enough. Tsk.

“I don’t like him.”

“Brat! Who are you and what did you do to my baby Jaehyun? Seriously, Doyoung is God’s gift to humanity.”

“That’s absurd.” Jaehyun would like to keep his statements about ‘him’ simple and vague at the same time. He does not like to ruin his image as the perfect maknae or else, he will lose all the privilege that comes from being one. His true identity shouldn’t be exposed.

“How could you hate the guy? In all fairness, he is a great guy. He is so smart and he even tutors me and Ten algebra before, free of charge! Of course I wasn’t that shameless so we went to Starbucks for the sessions and treat him snacks. He is so low maintenance since he only likes tea when compared to you. And the last time I check, he doesn’t look that ugly. Hmmm. In fact he is freaking fluffy as hell now that I think of it. And not to offend you or anything but I’d rather have him crash my place. All you do is pig out all my food supply. I mean give me one good reason to hate him.”

As much as Jaehyun want to scowl in derision due to his hyung’s over-glorification of Kim Dongyoung, he opted to fight the itching desire to twitch his eyes; instead, he keeps the faux smile in his face.

“I can give you a billion.” Sweet smile not faltering from his pretty face as though what he just said is not worthy of noticing.

“Who are you again?”

“I’m serious”

“Then give me ten”

“Ten-hyung is not mine to give.” Jaehyun flashed a -eating grin, damn proud at how smart he bites back.

“LOL! But seriously ten reasons and you can have unlimited access to my place and free lunch every single day for the rest of your college life. Deal?”

Jaehyun did not even hesitate. As long as it is food and is free then there is no way he would back out. The almighty pig, his spirit animal, says go.

“Deal.”

A ring from the doorbell echoes throughout and Jaehyun finds himself being forcefully dragged out via the back door.

“Since you can’t give me Ten, I’m going to get him myself.”

Jaehyun can’t believe this predicament. Johnny wasn’t really joking about kicking him out.

Give my Lay’s back at least.

Deciding that there is no way he can recover his snacks and he needs to cover his freezing from the cold night wind, he wonders to the next-door where Nakamoto Yuta and Ji Hansol resides to seek refuge, warmth and of course, good ‘ol Tokiyaki. Those weren’t exactly his cup of tea, but he can’t be too choosy right now. Food is food and food is life, Tokiyaki is food so Tokiyaki is life, too.

“God Hansol! Just put in please! AHH!”

Nope! Certainly not in here, too.

He spun immediately on his heels the moment a throaty moan escapes several feet before even reaching their doorstep. He mentally notes to here the Sunday’s gospel thrice to bring back at least an ounce of innocence stolen from him. He also needs a gallon of holy water to bath for good measure, too.

His last option in order to save his frozen bum and growling stomach was at Taeil’s just across the street. When he turned around, he suddenly feel a dry spell all over. What is he doing here? Jaehyun also has this unexplained hate towards this white-haired male in his white uniform.

He carefully observed the one with the bizarre hairdo, waiting for him to either go into his hyung’s house or continue walking straight ahead like he was just passing-by with the chance of the former option being one needle in a hectare of haystacks. He stays for a good minute so that their path wouldn’t meet. It was too damn awkward between them.

The named Karma must be up and haunting him today as Taeil emerges from the door with a giddy smile in his face like a puppy waiting for his owner.

I can practically see his tails wagging.

Then the one with the permanently resting face cracks a small smile. Jaehyun wants to throw up but he does have anything to puke.

And that’s the end of the story why Jung Jaehyun’s sorry was glued on the chair of the library. As for his hunger, he chowed down six packs of the cheapest brand of ramen at the twenty-four-open convenience store a block before the library’s premises.

Jaehyun was still letting the noodles simmer in his belly and he is checking his twitter feed with his phone.

He scrolls down reading ridiculous tweets that seems to taunt him. The people (yes he follows a lot of students from the university to ‘enhance his network’) were posting their TGIF outfits, or their current mood board consisting of ‘aesthetically’ Photoshopped images of thick books, or bookshelves and silly quotes like ‘Grades are just a number, don’t let it define you’ because the ‘harrowing’ just ended.

Yeah right! But grades define your first salary so...

He continues to scroll further down the feed, skipping all the unnecessary posts of bragging how it’s their first time downing a long island or did their first blow their minds. Of course they were talking about the drink or something else. He actually wanted to go to some bar to get -faced, probably grind with some hot creature and it’s also a good time to let go of his ity but he is currently wrapped in a very unflattering clothes that significantly hurt his chances and changing requires him to actually go home and see him; which defeats the purpose of his Friday nights.

He must be a masochist as he continues scrolling and scrolling, pouring more salt in his wounds. He gets more envious.

God, why? Even Winwin is winning life too much.

Dong Sicheng, the lower year weirdo sporting a pink and yellow hair and does random in the hallways like yelling ‘Whoop whoop’ or some other catch phrases but aren’t catchy at all and hard at Math classes (note plural) which he shouldn’t since he is an engineering major too, was having a date night with the famous SNS star, slash food blogger, slash major boyfriend vibes on legs, Qian Kun.

How lucky can this kid be? Getting private ‘sessions’ with Kun... Dating him must have a lot of perks... He doesn’t have a problem with Winwin, really. The kid was sweet, just a little weird. But Kun is the one that makes him tick and all in the wrong places. Kun was probably on the third spot of the people he silently prays to get diarrhea from their favorite bread on a one-on-one midnight getaway and all the toilet the should be tissue free, not only blowing their date but also bombing the poor toilet bowl. He hates Doyoung with so many reasons, a billion if he may add. He hates Taeyong for the sole reason that he’s close with Doyoung. He hates Kun not only because he is close with Doyoung but also it was on an academic level (Jaehyun was that competitive when it comes to studies), which should earn him the second spot on the list for more reasons, but there’s something inexplicable about Taeyong that automatically puts him next to the number one spot.

Deciding he is all fueled up with energy from the ramen and loathing for the most evil trinity, he picked up his pen and laid a legal sized bond paper on the table and started writing.

Fighting!

Ten Reasons to Hate Kim Dongyoung

By Jung Jaehyun

Dedications and Preface:

I would like to dedicate this essay to the people who ogle, drool and wet their pant(ie)s at the sight of Kim Dongyoung (a.k.a. your ‘Doyoung’-oppar) and his equally distasteful cronies, y ice-person (he doesn’t deserve to called a prince, for all I know he’s definitely broke and can’t purchase a decent meal) Lee Taeyong and nerdy devil (I feel it in my veins. I smell it in the air. It takes one to know one.) Qian Kun.

I hope your seventh senses aren’t THAT impaired. Open your eyes people!

This will serve as your salvation as I, Jung Jaehyun, solemnly swear to do my best to help you get to your enslaved senses full of inappropriate fantasy (including ) back and live a fruitful life like a true South Korean citizen should be.

I would also dedicate it to my abs. I’m so going to miss you guys. Once I successfully finished this, I would have a lifetime supply of pork-stir fry, no charge, care of Johnny-hyung.

Keep in mind that I unfortunately am his housemate so everything in here is based on first hand experiences.

Warning! May contain a lot of cursing and bad jokes.

Peace!

Reason # 10 His mouth

I hate every single detail, every line, and every freaking cell that makes up his mouth. Let me start with the most apparent one – his lips. Did you see how freaking PINK they are? They are so pink and supple that it pisses me off. It’s so – aggravating. Why can’t he have a normal colored one huh? What’s so special about him that he gets a pretty– pretty rare hue? I also hate his annoying habit of biting on his lips when he’s nervous; not that I wanted to notice how he does it when he’s a wreck before exams nor I was paying too much attention. I am just your resident observer and he has an attention-deficit so I have to live it.

Then next are his teeth. He should get braces and suffer. They were so big, especially the front ones. He looks like a rabid bunny that is deprived of carrots for a decade. That doesn’t make him adorable like you claimed him to be. He can eat you...alive!!! Can’t you see how freaking big his mouth is? He will eat you and swallow slowly that all you can do is scream (ual innuendos are not intended, please drink a glass of holy water). Could you believe he is a regular at the dentist? Like every first Sunday he will leave a note, saying ‘off to the dentist, BRB at 12 noon’ and I was like ‘dude don’t be a douche. Stop bragging about having way too much money and time to visit a dentist plus I don’t actually want your in here so I’m thankful that you’re out’ – but I totally wasn’t. I wish I could yell it at his face but I won’t because I don’t actually want to be too sassy and I’m to afraid he’ll take away my free access to his food supply. I hope he chokes on the spoon-with-mirror-whatever-it-is called.

I freaking hate his smiles. When he smiles he flashes his million won teeth and his big eyes gets squinty and his nose...well it’s just there being perfect. It’s so freaking big that you can practically see his gums – they are pink but not that pink like his lips (and if I would apologize for something, that would be lack of my knowledge of colors...sorry it doesn’t bother me but I regret it in times like this). It’s too unbelievably warm that it can magically revitalize hibernating trees in the winter because his smiles are full of suns– . That’s right. Excrements produce methane and it’s flammable and warm and are natural fertilizers and dead trees would take in the fake summery hell from his smiles!

God! You should have you smelled his breath! They smell like vanilla – freaking French Vanilla like his bath soap and shampoo and scented candle (yup he owns a candles – probably for cult worship or for practice of black magic or for burning me alive...please save me)! Even in the morning, they absolutely smelled like that and I just want to punch him square in his jaw. Is he even freaking human? I can’t stand it! UGH!

And finally, the most important thing(s) I hate about Kim freaking Doyoung’s mouth are those that constantly came in and out of his mouth and for the record no dirty intentions so... I fervently advise that you should go Vatican and have yourselves clean. But seriously, I hate his taste in food (the one that comes in). We have practically the same adoration towards cream-cheese bread at Bread Factory. I hate sharing! What’s Jaehyun’s is Jaehyun’s. What’s yours is Jaehyun’s, too. Deal with it.

I hate his goddamn voice, too. It’s too squeaky and high and I want to ram the wall with my head every time he speaks. I also hate the fact that he is too talkative and a nosy know-it-all. I am not making this up but for every word that comes of my mouth, he probably already told you the whole Harry Potter series. You should be in my shoes on the first day I met him. He was like “Anyeong Haseyo! Kim Dongyoung-imnida! You can call me Doyoung-hyung, as far as I know, I’m older but that’s A-Okay I’m not that traditional and blah blah blah!” Word count: Doyoung – 2 hundred words in a minute, Me – 20 words that day. I am betting with my meager weekly allowance that he always exaggerated his voice to be that high just to show off his vocal range. This hoe want’s to be a singing God. Dude, he is an accountancy major! Accountants weren’t supposed to sing. Every time I wait for him in the shower I wanted to barge in and choke him myself (with my hands -_-) because he was plainly showing off. The only thing that stops me from doing so is that fact that he is wet and no clothes on behind those doors and that’s just much worse than his voice – not that I imagined him .

I really wanted to jab him straight to bust his lips but I’m not willing to have a restraining order from his fridge.

Reason # 9 His Talk Show

I hate the Vroom Vroom show with passion. It has the perfect amount of awkwardness, stupidity and dead air, with a dash of his ugly voice, to brew trauma. I might as well die of cancer if I get to witness it again. He doesn’t know that I always bur