i.
hoseok can’t help but notice jimin the first day he walks into the studio. bright eyes and chubby cheeks, head hung low, and it really isn’t the usual appearance of a potential idol. he’s used to pointed chins and big eyes, slender builds and smooth skin, and jimin is none of these things. he’s awkward and quiet, and hoseok wonders how he’s here because his voice, high and airy, doesn’t sound like a singer’s and most definitely isn’t that of a rapper. 

jimin greets everyone in the room one by one, bows and stutters through a quick introduction, and if nothing else he’s at least polite. hoseok watches, waits for some miraculous epiphany that never comes because jimin isn’t anything special up close either. circles the room and when he finally gets to him, hoseok is just as confused, and maybe it shows on his face because jimin nods, says i’m surprised i’m here too before smiling wide and big, light enough for a thousand sunsets and hoseok hopes he’s missed something. 

 

he finds jimin dancing alone two days later. dim lights and creaking floorboards, and there isn’t even any music playing. he moves as if there’s a beat though, slide slide turn- and it’s not perfect, lacks the precise polished movements hoseok’s been working tirelessly to achieve, but it’s mesmerizing all the same. draws him in like a current and doesn’t let go until the final leap, heavy breaths filling the room at the finish. 

“you’re good,” hoseok says quickly, pretends he doesn’t notice the way jimin jumps at the sound of his voice. 

jimin scratches the back of his head, mumbles a shy thanks before moving to pack up his things, and hoseok is tempted to let him leave. maybe should let him leave in honor of self preservation because he’s always been the dancer and spots in this industry are limited. it’s the logical decision, and jimin’s already half way to the door. 

“do you maybe want to practice together for a bit?” but hoseok’s never been the most logical and when jimin turns and smiles, he’s glad for it. 

 

ii.
jimin gets comfortable around him quickly, sends text messages with a plethora of emojis and invites him out for food after practice. going out for food usually turns into late night ramen runs though because neither of them seem to have a sense of time, and dancing doesn’t quite seem like work with jimin. it’s nice. 

jimin takes a little longer to warm up to yoongi and namjoon, but hoseok isn’t exactly surprised at that. he tries to include jimin in conversations when they’re around, coaxes as many words as he can from the boy’s mouth and makes sure to tell namjoon and yoongi to say hi whenever they see him. hoseok thinks it might be working when jimin smiles and runs up to namjoon and hyung, i figured out how to do the spin we were working on yesterday so i can show you now. 

knows it is when he walks in on an exhausted jimin passed out in yoongi’s lap. yoongi tells him it’s a one time thing, but hoseok counts four separate occasions before he stops keeping track. he decides against mentioning it to yoongi. 

 

they decide to go out one night. none of them are old enough to drink, but yoongi says it’s okay to be young and stupid once in a while, and hoseok isn’t convinced he hasn’t already had a shot or five. namjoon’s on board though, so he goes along with it. has one drink before calling it quits because jimin isn’t drinking and that’s enough of a reason. 

namjoon is slurring words an hour into their little adventure, and yoongi is quoting some poet from the eighteenth century, so hoseok makes an executive decision to end the night early. jimin laughs the entire way back to the dorm and tucks yoongi and namjoon into bed on the living room floor. hoseok doesn’t know if he would have been quite as considerate. 

two minutes later, and hoseok realizes he’s tired, says goodnight and heads to the bedroom, but not before catching the quiet hum of a lullaby. it’s jimin’s voice. hoseok knows without really thinking about it. it’s sharp and unpolished like jimin is- rough around the edges but still so so beautiful. 

hoseok doesn’t think it could be any other way. 

 

iii.
“i can do better. i’ll do better next run through.”

“you did fine, jiminnie.” and it’s not a lie, wasn’t a lie the first or second time either. 

the music starts playing again, and hoseok sighs because jimin really is too much of a perfectionist. 

 

sometimes, hoseok hears jimin scold himself quietly. hears the come on park jimin, we’re not messing up again. you can do this.

hoseok finds it rather endearing. 

 

iv.
there are six of them now. the two new additions are younger than him, friendly and talkative, melding into the group dynamics without so much as a stumble, and jimin is happy to finally lose the title of youngest. they joke around together a lot, toss playful insults at each other and jimin, has such soft chubby cheeks and look, hyung. look how squishy. and sometimes yoongi will go along with it, and jimin will laugh before chasing taehyung or jungkook around with a shoe. 

hoseok wonders where all their energy comes from, asks namjoon one day when they’re sprawled out on the floor, listening to a shrieking jimin and a giggling taehyung. but namjoon just shakes his head, says some questions don’t have answers. 

hoseok’s too tired to argue. 

 

v.
jimin starts going to the gym before practice every morning. leaves the dorm at five on the dot and makes it back by seven just as the rest of them are waking up. hoseok thinks he’s crazy because dance practice is exhausting enough as it is, but jimin tells him he can handle it so hoseok leaves it at that. there’s no reason for jimin to lie, no indication that this is an issue at all, but there’s an uneasiness in the pit of hoseok’s stomach, light fluttering subtleness each time the door creaks open at dawn, and hoseok isn’t sure why. thinks it might just be a symptom of late nights or an overactive imagination, but even so he can’t help but watch jimin just a little closer. 

gnawing feeling in his gut, and hoseok notes what time jimin gets into bed, counts the number of breaks he has to take during practice and how many meals he eats in a day. it’s not necessarily pertinent or telling information, but hoseok doesn’t know what he’s looking for, doesn’t know if there’s anything to look for at all. 

jimin, of course, is oblivious to hoseok’s inner monologue, flirts around the dance floor and clings to tae with the brightest smile and for some reason it almost looks as if the action is directed at hoseok.

it can’t be though, and hoseok decides to let things be for now. 

 

jungkook is the one that points out jimin’s frequent visits to the bathroom. mentions it jokingly one day at the table, and jimin freezes mid bite (and hoseok knows it’s only his third one because he can’t help the subconscious counting when it comes to jimin), pauses for half a second too long and hoseok notices. the others don’t seem to though, laugh lightly and continue poking fun until jimin makes a mock kissy face, “why so interested, kookie? didn’t realize you were so interested.” A shimmy of shoulders, and then jungkook hurls a chopstick at the other, all laughs and smiles and then the moment’s over. 

a turn of the page, and no one stops to flip back. forgotten little snippet of time lost in a field of wilting flowers, and hoseok doesn’t understand why it’s this instant that he comes back to. why he replays the way jimin quickly emptied his bowl of food into the trash with careful nervous movements, sees the half smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes that jimin held  plastered to his face the rest of the night. hoseok thinks maybe it’s the moment he realized things weren’t okay. 

thinks maybe the really bad started somewhere around here. 

 

vi.
seven members. 

the last one’s name is seokjin, and he’s warm and kind. he fixes dinner for them when he can and makes sure the dorm is neat and clean. asks them questions about life, and make sure to rest or you’ll end up sick. it makes hoseok miss home, reminds him of his mother and how she always knew what to say. wishes he could be more like her because hoseok misses the way jimin used to smile, and he doesn’t know how to make it better. 

jimin asks him why he’s crying late one night, but hoseok doesn’t have an answer so he just shakes his head, asks jimin if he’ll just please please smile for him.

“of course, hoseokie.”

but it still doesn’t reach his eyes, and hoseok cries just a little harder. 

 

jimin doesn’t have any playful comebacks anymore. lets out a chuckle, forced and wispy, whenever tae and jungkook make offhanded comments about his cheeks and height. hoseok knows they’re not trying to be intentionally hurtful, knows it’s meant to be all in good fun, but jimin sinks further into his shoulders with every word, minute little hitches of breath that hoseok is sure only he notices. 

tae and jungkook are still skipping around the room when practice ends, relieved sighs and hastily packed bags and then everyone’s heading home. 

jimin doesn’t leave though. 

so hoseok doesn’t either. 

he waits in the hall for hours, sits and listens to jimin work on vocals, hears him sing melodies until his voice cracks from overuse, and it’s not a sound hoseok wants to hear again. jimin is sniffling when hoseok gently lifts him up from the wood floor, wipes at his eyes because jimin is supposed to be all rainbows and sunshine even in the dark. 

“jiminnie-“

“i’m fine, hyung. it’s nothing.” he doesn’t try to smile though, and hoseok is thankful. 

step step.

one two. 

“seokjin-hyung is really good at singing, huh?” jimin says suddenly. 

and hoseok gets the underlying meaning. “you’re good too, jiminnie. just as good.” 

they’re outside now, and hoseok chances a look in jimin’s direction, catches the slight upward quirk of his lips, barely hears the curt okay. it’s not enough. 

hoseok sighs into the wind and imagines it’s a scream. 

drooping flowers in sidewalk cracks, and jimin steps on every one. 

 

vii.
hoseok tells namjoon first. namjoon tells yoongi who tells seokjin. they don’t tell the younger ones. 

“jimin…jimin’s not doing well.”

“-hasn’t been eating at all lately.”

“i noticed too.” 

“he’s…it’s been getting worse.” 

“how long?”

“three months.”

“why…i don’t even- why are we barely talking about this now?”

“-wasn’t sure. right, hoseokie?”

“i didn’t know what to do and i wanted to be wrong, but-”

“doesn’t matter now.” 

“we’ll figure it out.” 

“let’s just…let’s talk to him tomorrow.” 

hoseok hopes it’s that easy. 

 

they talk to jimin in the morning. 

jimin says he’s fine, maybe stressed but overall fine. 

it’s not a convincing argument, and yoongi brings up the food or lack thereof because you haven’t actually eaten anything over the last three days, jimin. 

“we’re just worried is all,” seokjin tries, and hoseok is glad that at least two of them still have their voices. 

jimin nods, says he’s sorry for worrying everyone and that it’s just been hard to eat because of the stress. he stands then, gives a quick bow in apology and, “i’ll be sure to have at least breakfast and dinner today. i’ll be more careful in the future. sorry again.” 

and then jimin is gone, and hoseok watches as namjoon and yoongi exchange furtive glances, heaviness in the room impossibly heavier. 

“we can try again tonight. we’ll fix this.”

hoseok notices that it sounds more like a question. 

 

jimin does eat two meals that day. eats the next day and the day after too. 

it’s not right. hoseok knows it’s not, but jimin is eating again and hoseok doesn’t know how to ask for more than that. 

 

viii.

two in the morning, and taehyung is yelling, screaming for help because jimin- jimin’s sick and there’s blood. 

hoseok thinks of wilted flowers as he runs, hurried footsteps, and he get’s there second. finds seokjin already kneeling down behind jimin on the bathroom floor, and taehyung is asking what’s wrong what’s wrong what- 

and jungkook is bleary eyed at the doorway, still shaking off the tight grip of sleep, yoongi pleading with him to go back to bed, and jimin is sobbing, loud and painful, and jungkook must hear it because he’s pushing his way into the bathroom before hoseok can manage take a breath. 

dim, shadowed lighting and taehyung starts crying somewhere around the third time jimin throws up blood. hoseok hears yoongi’s quiet cursing somewhere to his right, and then the other is pulling tae to his feet, leading him into the bedroom with purposeful steps. yoongi tells taehyung to breathe, calls jungkook over a second later to please help.

jimin throws up on his lap the fourth time, and it’s messy and awful, and hoseok thinks it’s all so wrong because jimin is pure and wonderful, isn’t supposed to be curled up on dirty floors. isn’t supposed to without bright bright light. isn’t supposed to be this.

not supposed to. 

and hoseok realizes that he says the last part out loud as he helps seokjin coax jimin out of his soiled shirt. says it again when he pulls jimin in close, nestles the shaking boy against his chest. 

breathe breathe. 

“i don’t know how to st-stop, hoseokie. how do i stop?” 

and it hurts. 

hurts. 

hoseok feels the tears on his cheeks, and he’s not sure they’ll ever stop. 

 

they go to the hospital that night. 

jimin doesn’t argue. 

 

ix.
malnourished, underweight, severely irritated esophagus.

namjoon says it could have be worse, and hoseok knows he’s right but he still can’t help but think namjoon might feel differently if he had been there with jimin on the bathroom floor. 

hoseok realizes it’s not a fair reproach because namjoon wouldn’t have been working late if it wasn’t necessary, but then life isn’t really all that fair either. 

 

jimin stays in the hospital for three days. 

they take turns staying, but hoseok never does leave for long. it’s quiet the first day, but then jimin makes a comment about the weather and hoseok can’t keep from laughing because it’s so utterly normal and out of place. jimin laughs too though, and all of a sudden talking doesn’t seem so scary. 

they talk about music and traveling, tell each other old stories from their hometowns, light brackets of conversation in between precisely scheduled meals. 

sometimes the conversations turn darker, and hoseok has to remind himself that jimin is safe, that they’ve taken a step forward and at least it’s a start. 

 

ix.
“i don’t like my voice. never have really.” 

“it’s good, jiminnie. your voice is good.” 

“it’s too high. not as steady as jungkookie’s.”

“but it’s your voice. all your own, and i think it’s beautiful.” 

 

ix.
“i- i wasn’t trying to hurt myself.”

“i know.”

“i just wanted…i wanted to be better.” 

“you’re perfect.” rushed whisper because jimin needs to hear him. 

soft laugh and, “no one’s perfect, hoseokie.”

“no? beautiful then. amazing. wonderful.” 

a sigh. 

“i just don’t see what you see.”

hoseok brushes a hand across jimin’s cheek. “you’re beautiful, park jimin.”

and when jimin smiles, it almost reaches his eyes. 

 

x.
they have a long way to go. 

jimin still stares in the mirror for too long sometimes, prods at fat that isn’t really there, and hoseok isn’t sure how long it’ll take to get rid of these demons, but as he wraps his arms around jimin’s waist and stares at their reflection, says you’re beautiful to the boy with damaged wings, hoseok thinks maybe it won’t be too long. 

park jimin is stunningly beautiful, has always been and hoseok doesn’t know how he ever thought otherwise. 

he hopes one day jimin realizes it too.