“Appa! Look what I got.” My daughter, Junseo cheered as she held onto my hand while we walked after I got her from school. I looked down, seeing her hold up her hand with a star stamped on it.

                “Wow! That means you have been a very good girl, princess.” I said, carrying her as I peppered kisses on her face, earning a fit of giggles from her. The ahjummas looked at us in awe, smiling to themselves as they did.

                “Are we going to see eomma today?” She asked after several minutes, making me stop for a bit on the side. I bit my lip and grimaced slightly at her question. It still makes my heart break into pieces when she remembers and talks about (y/n). It has been a year already but as if it was just yesterday.

 

                A year ago

                “Good morning, my loves.” (y/n) greeted with her morning voice, making Junseo jump off from her seat and hug her legs.

                “Good morning, eomma.” She said said as she looked up at her mom. I looked at them, smiling. Junseo looks like a carbon copy of her, to be honest. I would often joke that (y/n) made Junseo all by herself.

                “I’m going to pick up Junseo from school this afternoon. Okay, jagi?” She asked me as she carried our daughter back to the dining table. “Something smells good.” She said, sighing in content as she smelled the food in front of her.

                “You don’t have work today, jagi?” I asked as I fed our daughter. She already knows how to eat on her own, but she’s being the typical daddy’s girl today.

                (y/n) shook her head in response and smiled, placing food on her bowl. “The boss gave me a day off today.” She said happily. It’s great that she has been given such. I seldom see her just at home and doing nothing.

                “You deserve it.” I said, kissing the back of her hand. “We could go eat after you pick her up. I’ll be out at around 5:30.”

                “That would be nice.” She said as she brought the food to . “I’ll call when I have picked Junseo up.”

                --

                It was already 3:00 in the afternoon. I was working on the papers in the office and at the same time, waiting for (y/n)’s call. She should have picked up Junseo by now. Maybe she just left her phone at home. She often does that when she knows she’ll just take a while outside. After a second, my phone vibrated in the pocket of my pants. I fished it out and answered without checking.

                “Hello?” I answered, putting the papers down in front of me.

                “Are you Mr. Kim Jongin?” An unfamiliar female voice rang on the other line.

                “Yes, speaking?” I asked, biting my lip as I leaned back against the chair.

                “This is from Asan Medical Center.” The woman said, making me gulp and run a hand through my hair. “I regret to inform you that your wife, (y/n) has just been brought in. She has been involved in a car accident.”

                I stood up in panic, my heart racing so fast that it could possibly jump out of my chest at any moment. “O-okay. I will be there.” I said quickly and hung up. I grabbed my car keys and ran to the parking lot. After twenty minutes, I got there and immediately ran to the information desk. They told me (y/n) was still in the operating room. I ran in the hallway and after making a few turns, I saw the room. I saw Junseo and her teacher. Junseo was crying and ran to me when she saw me and it broke my heart so much. I instantly picked her up and rubbed her back soothingly.

                “We were worried that her mother forgot to pick her up.” The teacher said as she walked up to me. “Then the hospital called and told about the incident.”

                “I-is eomma going to be okay” Junseo asked as she continued crying. Much as I wanted to answer her question, I didn’t; I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t want to keep her hopes up. I wanted to tell her that her eomma is going to be okay but it hurts thinking of it.

                A doctor later came out, a blank expression on his face. He told me that they have done everything to save her, but she lost so much blood and her body was not able to survive her injuries. It felt like the whole world just fell on my shoulders. Cliché, but it’s true.

                A week later, it (y/n)’s funeral service. It was so hard to explain to our daughter what happened, and that her eomma is never coming back.  It was a hard week; Junseo has been crying nonstop. I held Junseo’s hand as we stood with the coffin in front of us. She held the teddy bear (y/n) gave her for her 2^nd birthday. I placed two roses on top of the coffin, tears falling down my face. (y/n)’s mom cried as the coffin was lowered. I got up from my knees and stood beside her parents, rubbing her mother’s back. It’s hard to lose a loved one, and I could attest to that right now.

                We all headed back to her parents’ house after the service. I looked out the sliding door, sipping on coffee as I stared into nothingness. I wish everything was just a nightmare and that I’d wake up in a few minutes with (y/n) sleeping soundly beside me. Much to my dismay, this is reality, a harsh one.

 

                And so, there we were. Junseo and I sat on the grass in front of (y/n)’s grave. It has been weeks since we haven’t visited. As much as I wanted to avoid visiting, I had to even if it hurts. It still does, I have to admit. There’s not a night that I pray, wishing I could go back to that day and change everything.

                “Hi, jagi.” I said, looking down at (y/n)’s gravestone as I fiddled with the grass. “Sorry we didn’t bring flowers. I’ll promise we’ll bring you some the next time we visit.”

                “We miss you so much, (y/n).” I mumbled, trying to hold back the tears. “Junseo got a star for being good in class today. It’s so adorable how she showed it to me and how happy she was when she did. I wish you were there to see it. You would have gushed over her cuteness, too.”

                Before I knew it, the tears fell. The ones I’ve held back for so long has now spilled out of my eyes. I wiped them off with my handkerchief, chuckling to myself.

                “Sorry.” I said, shaking my head and then taking a deep breath. “You’re probably laughing at me now. I’ve been better, I guess. I wish you were here for me to hold you close every night, and wake up to every morning. And I’m rambling again.”

                “Appa, please don’t cry.” Junseo said as she pouted at me while sitting on my lap. I almost forgot about her. I chuckled at what she said and kissed her forehead.

                “I’m not crying, Junseo.” I said, shaking my head.

                “Do you miss eomma?” She asked, burying her face on my chest.

                “I do miss eomma very much.” I whispered, rubbing her back.

                “Don’t worry, appa.” She said and smiled as she pulled her head away. “She’s just here.” She cheerfully said, pointing at my chest, where my heart is. I looked down and smiled as her little fingers stayed there for a while.

                “Just like what you told me, right appa?” She asked, smiling. It made me glad and that she remembered what I told her. It’s quite a bit shocking that she has learned to understand losing a loved one at her age.

I nodded and held her close to me. “Yes, in our hearts.” I whispered in her ear and closed my eyes. I suddenly felt a slight breeze and looked around, smiling to myself. I know you’re here watching, (y/n).