She’d been dealing with this issue for quite a while now, and as time progressed, it had only gotten worse.

 

Amber had been feeling quite out of it lately. She knew she liked girls. It was quite obvious, really. With her appearance, you think everyone’d already know by now, but it was never addressed, never talked about. She just kept it inside and dealt with it on her own, and she was just used to it now. Being in an all girl band, however, did often tend to make things difficult. She’d been having these feeling for quite a while now, and every time she saw her it only got worse.

 

Her smile, her laugh, even just the way she smelled-it was intoxicating. Amber found herself thinking about her all throughout her day, everyday. It was impossible not to, with such a perfect person like that, and it wasn’t helpful that she was also just the touchiest person on earth. Every time she would nudge or hug her or just come up behind her and just tell her “I love you” made everything so much more difficult to deal with. Amber was at least grateful for the attention she did receive, happy that she was able to be a part of her life even if it was just as a friend. But that suddenly all changed. From the time Luna came home with news of an upcoming date with her longtime crush, Onew, things had never been the same.

 

Amber had to watch her as she got ready for her first date, pacing around in front of her closet and asking the others to help her with her makeup.  

 

“Amber, do you think this outfit looks okay?” Luna had asked, twirling around in front of her in a cute blouse and skirt, “Do you think I look nice? Do you think he’ll like it?”

 

Amber glanced down at her tan legs revealed by the short skirt and was in her right mind to tell Luna to change because Onew definitely would like it, which was something Amber definitely didn’t want, yet she nodded and told Luna she looked great anyway.

 

Amber often looked back on that day and thought maybe if she’d just put an end to that date, things would’ve turned out differently, and maybe she could feel happy again. But that was impossible.

 

They’d been together for several months since that day. From little dates here and there, Amber soon had to watch Luna leave nearly every chance she got and she’d be gone for hours on end. Eventually, it progressed to the point where she’d be gone for a whole night leaving Amber to stare down at her empty bed in the room they shared while trying to rid her mind of what it was Luna was actually doing that night.

 

One day, Amber came home early on a night where she had originally planned on staying out with a friend. It was cold and she was tired and it was past 12 when she got back. As she quietly tiptoed in, she noticed a larger pair of shoes by the door and as she inched closer she immediately wished she hadn’t come home.

 

There huddled on the couch were Luna and Onew, fast asleep, popcorn and other snacks scattered in front of them indicating the kind of night they had. Luna was lying entirely on him, her small body curled up against his side. Her head was resting against his shoulder, her face pressed into his neck with her sweatpant-clad legs intertwined with his. Amber twitched with envy at the sight of his arms wrapped tightly around her, one of his hands resting underneath the back of her shirt. She thought she’d been quiet, but suddenly Luna began to move and her head rose up from his chest.

“Amber?” she asked, her half-opened eyes barely able to see in the darkness of the room, “What are you-”

 

“Nothing, Luna,” Amber shook her head quickly, not wanting to start anything right now, “Just go back to sleep.”

 

Luna merely nodded before returning her head to its previous position, falling back asleep almost instantly. Onew turned his body in response and pulled her even closer. Amber wasn’t able to fall asleep that night.

 

At first, Amber thought SHINee’s world tour was a gift from the heavens as it meant that Luna would finally be away from him for sometime. The sadness in the younger girl’s eyes everyday he was gone, however, was almost as bad as seeing her happiness when he was around. In the time where Amber thought she could regain some of that quality time the two used to share before he came around, all Luna did was mope, thinking only of him. Nights were even more difficult. Amber often had to toss and turn while being forced to listen to their phone conversations in the times when Luna had thought she had fallen asleep.

 

“I know, baby,” Amber would hear her whisper, “I miss you, too.”

 

One some occasions, Luna would giggle at something he said, exclaiming “Oppa!” in that tone of voice that she seemed to reserve only for him. Amber had to fight the urge to go and rip the phone from her hands to throw it across the room so she’d never have to hear Luna say things like “I love you, baby” ever again. It was her own personal hell.

 

Just when Amber thought she’d finally moved on, something else would happen that would just pull her right back in.

 

When she and Krystal had returned from their photoshoot early, both of them were met with a strange racket coming from hers and Luna’s room. As they stood curiously in the kitchen, they soon recognized the sound to be the thudding of a bed frame against the wall.

 

“Omo,” Krystal had grinned in realization. Before Amber could even try to formulate a response, a loud scream pierced the room through the thin walls of the apartment.

 

“Oh god!” Luna’s voice rang clearly.

 

“We should get out of here,” Krystal told her before grabbing her wrist and dragging her out of the apartment.

 

The two of them somehow ended up in a club, Krystal soon leaving her for a group of old friends she’d run into. Amber was alone at the bar, gulping down her sixth drink, when she noticed a girl leaning at the end of the bar, staring at her. Without a second thought, Amber walked towards the girl, grabbing her hand. She pulled her towards the restrooms and roughly pushed her against a wall, forcing her lips onto hers. The girl tasted like vodka. It was horrible, yet Amber shoved her tongue into anyway. She tried to get into it, tried to make her mind go numb to the feeling. She desperately needed to take her mind off her. She desperately needed to stop thinking about the way she screamed, the way that beautiful sound had lit a fire in her. The fact that it was someone else hovering over her, kissing her swollen lips and bringing her to that point of ecstasy was devastating and Amber knew she couldn’t stop thinking about it. She suddenly let go of the unknown girl and stormed out of the club.

 

Years later, when Luna came rushing towards her with a huge ring on her finger, she threw on another fake smile, something she had gotten very good at doing, and engulfed the small girl in a hug.

“I’m so happy for you!” The lie rolled easily off her tongue and Amber hoped that maybe, just maybe, some time she’d be able to mean it.

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I'm not like in love with this story, but I also don't hate so idk I wrote late last night and here it is.