Bounce

We all love and we all lose and we go on loving just the same
The Lady & the Fox by Kelly Link

listen to this :)

There are these professors who insist on having a sitting arrangement. And I couldn’t be madder at them. Especially with this one. She placed me right under the AC and I’m freezing here. One day they’ll just find me dead here.

And that’s not the only reason why I especially hate this professor. She made me sat next to Brian. And sitting next to Brian means always being constantly conscious about the things I do. And I have to be constantly conscious because what else should you do when you’re next to your ex-boyfriend?

There are still two hours left for this lecture and that means I have to endure for two more hours. Wow. Next time I’ll definitely bring a sweater. But for now, I have to, well, endure. I just hope I don’t die from hypothermia.

Miss Williams, our professor, is discussing something about orchestras. To be honest I don’t have to listen because I’ve been hearing the same thing almost every semester from different professors. So leaned over to be desk and rest my head on the book. Good thing this is a big class so the chance of getting caught is too small. I was so close to falling asleep when I felt something soft and heavy (but not quite) on my shoulders.

Familiar scent filled my nose and somehow I remembered something I shouldn’t be remembering. So I opened my eyes and when I sat straight, a sweater fell. And it’s a familiar one. He’s just looking at me as I am looking at him. We locked gazes for few seconds before my sanity hit me back again. “Uh,” I picked it up, “here.” He pushed it towards me like he’s insisting that I should use it. “Are you sure?” because I wouldn’t complain. If there’s something I really need right now, it is warmth.

He “knocked” on my head before grinning. “You need it more than I do.”

“Fine.” So I wore it. “I’ll wash this first before I return it to you.” He gave me a small nod before looking at Miss Williams again. I keep on glancing at him because this is just so weird. He looks so immersed in whatever it is that she’s saying but I’m pretty sure he’s just listening without understanding. This class, admittedly, is boring as .

The class ended with me feeling a little bit comfortable—thanks to his sweater. He left without saying a word to me and it’s not like I’m expecting him to. We’ve been ignoring each other ever since we broke up three months ago (before summer started) and now he just acted as if we’ve been in good terms.

Three months is not too long. But three months is enough to kind of get over what we had and live again the way I’ve been living without him in my life. Resilience. I mean, not that I wasn’t serious about him, it’s just that I had to remind myself that the world will not end without him. So I moved on. And I think he did the same. He seems… happy. I don’t know. I just know. I can see it. I can feel it. Maybe because I know him? Right. Maybe that’s the reason. After all, once you know someone, you can’t not know them. Sure, you will forget things about them and they will also change but… yea, you just can’t not know them.

After another class, I head directly to my org’s headquarters (Bri’s also a member. In fact, we met here). We will be holding a free concert next month. It’s an annual and a lot of people actually anticipate it so we have to really prepare for it. Yenny, the president, saw me and asked me to come to her.

“Hey,”

“Hi Wendy, what’s up?”

“Everything’s great.”

“I see.” She gave me a small nod and stared at my sweater for a while. “I see—”

“No! I mean, no…” I know that she’s familiar with the sweater I’m wearing. “I just… borrowed it because I was really cold.”

“What?” she said innocently, “I didn’t say anything.”

“Yeah but—”

“Anyway, that’s not the reason why I called you.” As if on cue, I tried looking around and I only saw Brian sitting there in the corner with his headphones on.

“Where are the others?”

“They already left.”

“Ah, so…?”

“I need you to perform—”

“Of course I’m going to perform. I have my guitar with me you kn—”

“That’s not what I mean…” she glance over at Bri before looking at me again, “You still have to perform with the others but you also have to perform with him.”

“Wha—”

“Remember your performance last year?”

“Uh, yeah?” Of course. That’s when we started dating.

“The admin liked your performance and they actually requested for the two of you to collab again.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. So… are you in?”

“What did Brian said?”

“He’s in as long as you are.”

“Can I think about it?”

“You still have to think about it?”

I sighed. Fine. This wouldn’t hurt. All we have to do is perform and we can do our rehearsals during org meetings. It’ll be fine. “Nah, okay, sure.”

“Nice.” She grinned so widely that I thought her face my break. “I’ll leave the two of you here so you can plan on what you should do.”

“What? No—Yenny!”

“Bye!” and she’s gone.

When I turned to look at Bri, he’s already approaching me. . Can I run? “Woah there,” I even made than “hold up” hand gesture, “Just stay where you are.”

“What?”

“Don’t come near me.”

“What? Why?” and he’s still walking towards me.

“I’m suddenly nervous so just stay where you are.”

“O…kay?” but he did what I told him to do. “Okay. Is the distance fine or do you want me to walk back further?”

“No, no, it’s alright.”

“Nice.” I don’t know if he’s being sarcastic or what but I’m seriously not amused. “Now… are you cool with it?”

“Don’t act as if you don’t know.”

“I want to hear it from you.” He wants to hear what from me? “Why did you agree?”

“Duh,” I rolled my eyes. I can’t help it. “The admin requested it?”

“Oh yeah? But you have a choice. You have the choice to say no.”

“But I said yes so what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem, Wendy.” He looked away as if he’s being so frustrated because of me. I should be the one who is feeling frustrated here. Or maybe the two of us? “I’m just kidding.”

“Right. Of course you are.” Why am I even feeling a sudden rush of relief?

“So can I come closer? Because this is just weird.”

“Sure, sure.” Sure. Maybe I’ll just remind myself how to breathe. I’ll be okay. We see each other almost every single day. “Sure.” So I waited for him.

“So,”—“So,” we said at the same time. “You go ahead.”

“Uh, what should we perform? Do you have anything in mind?” I ask.

“I am thinking of Hedley’s For the Nights I can’t Remember… make our rendition of it or something.”

“Oh… right. Right. I think it’s a good song.”

I can tell that he’s trying to suppress a smile. “You think so?”

“Yeah.”

***

“Bri!” I screamed from the top of my lungs. “Give it back to me!”

“It’s mine now!” and I saw him took a bite on my sandwich.

“What the hell, Brian Kang! You sandwich burglar!” he suddenly burst out in laughter. While he’s busy composing his self, I snatched my sandwich away from his hands. “Don’t you dare steal my sandwich, you understand?”

“Yes ma’am!” he even made a salute.

“Idiot.” Funny thing is that we don’t just go out to practice and make some arrangement for the piece we’re going to perform. We just started hanging out as friends again. We’re actually way too comfortable with each other now. Too comfortable that he had the guts to steal my sandwich. “Here,” I handed him a sandwich different from mine. “It’s beef jerky. I know you like it so—ouch! Don’t pat my shoulder like that!”

“Can’t help it, sorry.” He tasted it and he looks satisfied. “This is so good.”

“Thank you.”

“You made this especially for me.”

“You don’t want it?”

“I love it.” I know that you do. Or I wouldn’t have wasted my time making that.

The concert is in three days and we’re really busy preparing for it. We’re done with our own rendition of Hedley’s For the Nights I can’t Remember and we already got Yenny’s approval for it. She said it was really good. But I’m not surprised. Bri is really gifted with anything that has something to do with music. I wouldn’t deny the fact that I have a good singing voice, but when it comes to producing a good music, it’s Bri’s forte. “You made so tired.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah! So don’t make me run like that again.”

“But you ran after me.” It sounded like he’s trying to say something but I ignored it. “Anyway…. Wendy?”

“Yeah?”

“Nothing just… be ready.”

“For what?”

“For our performance! What else?”

“I don’t know. You seemed to be sending me a message but it doesn’t quite reach me.”

“It will reach you soon.” And then he left me there dumbfounded. I don’t even know what to feel. Or think. Or both. I’m just confused. Am I reading his actions right? Is he…? Oh my goodness what if he is? What if I also want to…? . I’m so ed.

“What the ?”

***

Bri and I are the last ones to perform. . I don’t even know why I’m so nervous. I just finished performing with a bad a while ago and I actually feel confident. But now… I don’t know anymore. What he said just keeps on playing in my head like a youtube video on loop.

“Come on!” and then he pulled me on the stage. I didn’t even realize that it’s our time to perform.

He has his guitar with him and someone from the backstage handed me mine. How can I forget that? Well, I didn’t. He pulled me. It wasn’t my fault.

When we’re settled, we started performing. We are halfway done with the song when he suddenly stopped playing his guitar and the background music also disappeared. So I stopped strumming and looked at everyone dumbly. “I know you’re not a fan of movie scenarios but” he reached for my guitar and handed it over to someone, “Remember the lyrics? What if I never let you down and said I’m sorry for the nights I can’t remember. What if I never said to you, I would try,” Try? “So,” he started strumming his guitar again and he’s going to ask me sing I’m going to seriously push him on the stage. “And I do wanna love you. And I do wanna try. Because if falling for you girl is crazy, then I’m going out of my mind. So hold back your tears this time.”

Instead of looking at the crowd like he always does when he’s performing, he’s looking straight in my eyes. He’s singing the song to me. For me.

He finished the song by his own. And he always has this mad streak in him when he’s performing because he looks like he’s always ready to fight someone but I’ve never seen him so soft and warm on stage. Only now. And I’d like to assume that it’s because of me.

The crowd gave us a round of applause and I think they’re kind of dumbfounded. Probably in their minds they’re all like: the just happened?

But then again, since he started it, I’m going to end it.

Sure, I hate movie scenarios. They’re so cheesy and unrealistic but I just realized that there are certain things that seem to make unrealistic things realistic.

I pulled him by his shirt and kissed him in front of the crowd. This is oddly satisfying. When I’m done, I whispered something to him. You know my answer to your message. And I left him there. Also dumbfounded. If he thinks that he’s the only one who can do that, he’s wrong. Because I am very much capable of making his soul fly away from his body.

Sometimes we just love someone because we can. And we lose them because life happens. But we have to remind ourselves that life is really like that. No matter what happens, even when we thought it’s no longer possible, it is. And things that seemed to be impossible can actually happen. Maybe just like in love. You love and then you break your heart and then you love again. It’s a never ending cycle. A bouncing back but not necessarily in a way we thought about. And we can’t complain about it because that’s the way life’s supposed to be. At the end of the day, we get what we deserve.