They have two first kisses.

There’s one they label as their official one, the one they recall when they think about first kisses.

It happens just before Sanghyuk’s nineteenth birthday, when he celebrates his coming of age with the others.

It’s nothing special, and Sanghyuk doesn’t even really care about it even though Hakyeon hands him a huge bouquet of flowers with a sweet smile on his face. Hakyeon pretends to sniff and wipe away an invisible tear under his eye, his arm going around Taekwoon’s shoulder who’s idling nearby, looking as if he was forced to be there – but Sanghyuk knows it was actually him who chose the flowers for the bouquet, even though he wouldn’t have believed it if not for a bread crumbs of information whispered by Jaehwan – saying something along the lines of aw, look at him, our boy has grown up so well. While Sanghyuk tries to shove Hakyeon away, Taekwoon captures Sanghyuk in a headlock and raps his knuckles against his scalp.

Hongbin tosses Sanghyuk one of his half-used colognes, the one Sanghyuk secretly finds very appealing, telling him that he can use it whenever he wants for the next two months.

When Sanghyuk complains about where his kiss is, Jaehwan tells him to get a girlfriend just before Wonshik pounces on Sanghyuk from behind, and holds him down until Jaehwan manages to smooch Sanghyuk’s cheek, leaving his skin all wet. Sanghyuk grabs Jaehwan before the older man could skip away and rubs his cheek on Jaehwan’s shirt.

At night, after they’ve returned from their schedules, and Sanghyuk has finished washing up – he was let into the bathroom first on that day’s special occasion – he hesitates entering his bedroom, knowing that Wonshik is already in there.

What bothers Sanghyuk, though, is Wonshik’s lack of overall interest in him through the whole day. Apart from the little prank with Jaehwan earlier that day, Wonshik didn’t pay any attention to Sanghyuk, let alone touch him.

He’s not sure of the status of their relationship; what kind of ground do they stand on. It’s— hard to explain.

They are more than just friends, certainly more than the act of dongsaeng-hyung friendship they keep up, yet Sanghyuk wouldn’t call themselves lovers, because they are not, and somehow the idea of friends with benefits leaves a sour taste in his mouth.

It’s not romantic, the thing that’s between them— is it platonic?

They haven’t even kissed, let alone have – Sanghyuk shudders at the thought for some reason, at the thought of Wonshik hovering above him, , , but by the time he arrives at the end of the train of his thoughts, the shiver turns into something more pleasurable.

It’s the desire to make Wonshik happy and comfortable, it’s the thought of Wonshik swirling in his head all the time that makes Sanghyuk think that the thing between them is something.

He just doesn’t know what’s it called or if it even has a name.

So if they are not lovers or anything of the same caliber, why is he disappointed that Wonshik ignored him all day? As silly as it sounds, Sanghyuk was hoping that Wonshik would snatch him away in a quick moment of nobody paying attention and would give Sanghyuk his gift.

He wanted Wonshik to kiss him.

Sanghyuk sighs, and pushes the doorknob to enter the room.

Soft snoring hits his ears, Wonshik quick asleep on the floor— of course.

“Hyung,” Sanghyuk whispers when he crouches down next to Wonshik, and places a hand on his shoulder to shake him awake. “You should go wash up and change.”

Wonshik’s eyelids flutter open, and the look of momentary confusion and something else in there makes Sanghyuk’s heart skip a beat. A pleasant feeling floods Sanghyuk’s chest, just until Wonshik rolls away and gets up without a word— then it’s disappointment the previous feeling turns into, and Sanghyuk goes to sleep without waiting for Wonshik to get ready, not knowing what he should do when they wake up, if he should pretend that this day never happened or confront Wonshik about it.

When Sanghyuk wakes up, he thinks it’s already time to get up, even though his alarm is quiet as the dormitory— too quiet.

Wonshik is not snoring.

Sanghyuk blinks into the darkness, and that’s when he feels the arms around his waist, the chest pressed against his back, and the warmth of another body behind him. Sanghyuk’s stomach squeezes as he feels a puff of hot air on his neck, the sensation it ignites inside him turning into a pleasant shiver.

He turns around, as if he was able to see Wonshik behind him, but his nose collides with something, his cheek pressing into Wonshik’s skin.

“Hyung?” Sanghyuk croaks out, groggy from the lack of sleep he’s gotten. He doesn’t know the time, but it’s still dark outside— maybe they have one or two more hours to rest before getting up.

“I’m sorry,” Wonshik whispers, his voice sounding deeper in the darkness, somehow. “For today. I know I ignored you I just—”

“It’s okay,” Sanghyuk cuts in before Wonshik could push himself deeper into his own guilt. “But why?” he asks quietly.

Wonshik takes a deep breath, tightening his hold around Sanghyuk as if to hold onto something.

“I didn’t know how to— I wanted to give you my gift all day, but I just— I just couldn’t—”

Sanghyuk turns around in the embrace and pulls his arm from beneath the blanket to place a hand on Wonshik’s cheek, almost missing it in the darkness. The skin under his palm is soft and warm, and Sanghyuk’s thumb begins to circles automatically.

“Kiss me,” Sanghyuk breathes onto Wonshik’s lips, and Wonshik closes the distance between them.

And then there’s their actual first kiss that Wonshik would like to forget, and Sanghyuk would like to remember on his own.

It’s after the party they hold for their first win, just the six of them and a few managers until they leave the boys among themselves to enjoy the moment.

Hakyeon hasn’t stopped crying, and the more Wonshik drinks, the more he understands the oldest of them as Wonshik tries very hard to swallow his own tears at the thought.

This is the first time he’s seen Sanghyuk this drunk, his laughter more boisterous than Jaehwan as he jumps around the living room with Hongbin with more energy than ever, and there’s a strange feeling coiling in Wonshik’s belly as he watches the red of the alcohol bloom on Sanghyuk’s cheeks.

It’s when Hakyeon ushers them back to their rooms, into their beds, his words slurred and he’s giggling in between, that Wonshik gets a mouth full of Sanghyuk’s black hair, smelling heavily of smoke - he's been with Jaehwan on the balcony for who knows what – and hair spray, and Wonshik’s arms wrap around Sanghyuk on their own accord.

He tells himself that it’s because it wouldn’t be very nice to let Sanghyuk fall to the ground, but who is he kidding, he’s been looking for a reason to hug Sanghyuk like this, long and crushing, pulling the boy to his chest securely.

Sanghyuk leans on Wonshik with his whole weight, forcing Wonshik to take a step back, but his feet fall on uneven ground as he steps on the edge of a misplaced shoe, and then they are crashing onto the haphazardly folded blankets, with Sanghyuk on top of Wonshik.

Wonshik thinks he’s hallucinating, because this happens in dramas only, yet here he is, and Sanghyuk is resting on top of him, his breath, reeking of alcohol and smoke, fanning over Wonshik’s face.

“Hyung, we won,” Sanghyuk giggles with an expression too adorable for him, and then his giggle turns into a deep burp.

“Don’t vomit on me please,” Wonshik groans in exasperation, craning his neck out of the way should Sanghyuk decide to empty his stomach. When all Sanghyuk does is a dubious sounding snort, dropping his head on Wonshik’s chest, Wonshik lets out a relieved exhale.

“Yes, we won,” he says softly.

Again, his arms move on their own accord, one of them wrapping around Sanghyuk’s thin waist while the other snakes across Sanghyuk’s back, hand coming to rest on the back of the younger’s head.

“I’m so— glad,” Sanghyuk slurs into Wonshik’s neck. “I’m so glad, hyung, I’m so glad, Wonshikie hyung,” Sanghyuk blabbers.

Wonshik sighs into the darkness of their room, not remembering when they turned off the lights. He doesn’t care, because Sanghyuk begins to wriggle his lower body, as if he was trying to get comfortable on Wonshik.

“I’m glad too,” Wonshik echoes, digging his fingers into Sanghyuk’s hair, tightening his hold around the boy subtly. He doesn’t want to let go.

“’M happy,” Sanghyuk murmurs, his tone a little bit different from before. All mischief is gone, and there’s something husky underneath all, but Wonshik is too tipsy to notice it. “I’m happy I got to do this with you.”

Wonshik’s heart skips a beat at the words, and he feels Sanghyuk push himself up on his palms, body still against Wonshik. They look at each other, or at least Wonshik thinks they are looking at each other, because the next moment, he feels soft lips against his, and Sanghyuk sighs into his mouth.

His head turns itself without Wonshik allowing it to do so, but the feeling of Sanghyuk’s lips on his mouth, and the knowledge it evokes within him is too strong of a driving force for his tipsy brain fogged away from control, and Wonshik can’t do anything but give in to the urge and open his mouth.

Sanghyuk follows his lead, opens his mouth, but after a few seconds, Wonshik realizes that Sanghyuk hasn’t had that much of a practice in this. For a fleeting moment, he wonders if stopping would be the wisest thing to do, but then he feels the tip of a timid tongue darting into his mouth, and Wonshik forgets everything.

Grasping Sanghyuk’s skull, Wonshik pulls himself from beneath Sanghyuk and rolls over, now on top, and Sanghyuk lets him with a low whine deep in his lungs as Wonshik into his mouth.

“Follow my lead,” Wonshik hears himself whisper during the short moment they separate for oxygen, and then they are kissing again, more fervent than the previous one, Sanghyuk learning quickly what to do, his confidence returning.

Wonshik remembers everything in great detail.

The way Sanghyuk breathed words into his lungs, the way his tongue flicked against Wonshik’s, the feel of his lips on his neck, the sound of his quiet moans as he ground his hips against Wonshik’s thighs, and the choked out half cry as he came.

He remembers everything, but he didn’t tell Sanghyuk about the last part when he asked what happened after a few days of awkward glances and silence, when Hakyeon’s suspicious looks were becoming too great of a threat.

Maybe holding back on this information is the reason they haven’t gone past kissing and a bit of groping yet.

Wonshik doesn’t know what to do, but so far, he’s satisfied with having Sanghyuk like this, more than just friends by a handful of secret kisses and heartfelt whispers nobody has heard from him before.

He’s satisfied with what they have right now, but he knows that it’s going to change sooner or later.

This kiss starts out just like all the others. In the confinement of their room, at a time when they should be asleep, and Wonshik would be asleep if not for Sanghyuk stopping him from falling face first onto the mattress after he’s just returned from the studio.

“Let me sleep,” Wonshik moans, biting back a big yawn, but Sanghyuk tugs at his arm with an unreadable expression on his face, and it’s so raw that Wonshik holds his breath back for a few seconds.

He’s about to ask if there’s anything wrong, but all of his questions are answered when Sanghyuk cups his face, massages his cheeks for a moment, just until their faces are very close to each other, and Wonshik welcomes the familiar sensation of the other’s lips on his.

A groan almost leaves his chest, but suddenly he’s being pulled forward, and he tumbles onto Sanghyuk’s bed, his arms shooting out to hold his body before he can collide with Sanghyuk.

“I missed you,” Sanghyuk swallows heavily. His nostrils flare as he takes a deep inhale, sitting up and folding his legs under him. Wonshik looks up at him before deciding to sit up as well before he falls asleep in the middle of the conversation.

“Me too,” Wonshik nods, placing a reassuring hand on Sanghyuk’s thigh.

Sanghyuk chews on his lip, clearly anxious about something, but he doesn’t speak up, so Wonshik saves both of them the trouble.

“Is there something wrong?” he asks curiously, rubbing soothing circles into Sanghyuk’s sore muscles. The short legs of his loose underwear ride up, and Sanghyuk’s legs twitch a few times, Wonshik knows it’s tickling him, but he’s not planning on reaching further into Sanghyuk’s briefs.

Not tonight when there’s something to discuss.

“I’ve been thinking lately,” Sanghyuk starts, moving his lips in a worried manner. He keeps glancing away from Wonshik, but his eyes always jump back at him.

Wonshik urges him to continue with an encouraging nod.

“I was thinking about this thing—,” he motions between them. “We’ve never labeled it. Are we just friends?”

The way Sanghyuk blinks at him, everything flies out of Wonshik’s head for a few good seconds. He tries to come up with an explanation to why they’ve never addressed this particular problem – if they could call it a problem at all – but just as all the other times Wonshik wondered about it, his mind comes up blank.

Sanghyuk looks at him with a knowing look.

Wonshik hesitates, wonders if what he’s going to say will help Sanghyuk figure out their relationship, because Wonshik is not sure either.

“…Are we just friends?”

Sanghyuk pauses. He looks Wonshik in the eye, and it feels like as if he was searching for something in Wonshik’s gaze, but he can’t find it.

“No,” Sanghyuk whispers with confidence. He leans forward, cupping Wonshik’s face. “Hyung, what are we?”

Wonshik thinks for a moment, grasping Sanghyuk’s hand and bringing it to his lips. “We’re—,” he begins, placing a kiss on Sanghyuk’s palm, soft and so gentle, it sends a shiver down Sanghyuk’s spine, “we’re Wonshik and Sanghyuk. We don’t need a name.”

“Then how do we know our boundaries?” Sanghyuk asks quietly, biting into his lip.

He needs to know where he should draw the line; lately, his thoughts regarding Wonshik have been getting out of hand, and he needs to know if he can continue having those fantasies, or he should weed them out before they could wrap their sweet tendrils around him and toss him into an eternal damnation of having Wonshik at his side but not being able to act on whatever his mind and body desire.

Wonshik stays quiet, his eyes searching for an answer on Sanghyuk’s face, but not quite finding it. He looks on the ground deep in thoughts, and then directs his gaze to the ceiling.

“I don’t know,” Wonshik answers. “I guess, we’ll just have to keep pushing at those boundaries and see for ourselves.”

Sanghyuk bites onto his tongue in something that feels strangely like desperation and confusion; he knows his expression is betraying him, but he doesn’t care— he lets his face talk for him instead of his words that he can’t seem to find right now.

“I’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do—,” Sanghyuk cuts himself off. “What if we do something that we’ll regret later?”

Wonshik closes his eyes, not fighting the smile that sits onto his lips. “Just do whatever you want, and I’ll follow.”

There’s a moment of silence, Sanghyuk’s clothes rustle as he moves closer, and the next time he speaks, his hot, minty breath is so close to Wonshik, he could just tilt his chin and they would be kissing.

“Good, because I really want to kiss you right now,” Sanghyuk breathes.

“Then kiss me.”

And Wonshik is not sure if he’s said that out loud, but the smile tugging at Sanghyuk lips tells him that Sanghyuk heard him loud and clear.

They have two first kisses, and many many many many other after, and all of them matter.