It was not the first time he felt it.

They were all packed in a waiting room that was not meant for twelve, full grown men and Jongdae was just a fist’s length away from Junmyun.

Junmyun had leant into the collar of Tao, tiptoeing slightly and wanting to tell him something funny he saw earlier amongst the crowd. He was repeating his words a third time, afraid that Tao would miss his fast Korean, when his dry lips accidentally brushed over the collar of Tao.

Tao flinched away in surprise from the contact and tried very hard to shoot a look that says “What the hell, man” without looking too rude because even if they are in a supposedly private room where no cameras can stalk them, he’s still wary of his managers’ reprimanding. Junmyun also looked taken back, looking sheepish and apology on the tip of his tongue when a hand that is not Tao’s or himself’s touches his neek.

“Hyung, look at me.” Jongdae knew his whines were very distinct and gave away who he was immediately but Junmyun did not even bother to look at the vocalist, continuing his very intriguing conversation with Tao and gesturing to a weirdly dressed lady to their right.

“Hyunggggggg.” Jongdae already had an exaggarated pout on his face (the kind that always worked on Yifan), but Junmyun was determined to stay focused on whatever Tao had to say. Tao laughed again, at a joke Jongdae didn’t quite catch and something burnt at the back of his eyes. Jongdae squeezed the milky, skinny neck of Junmyun a little harder with his thick fingers, hoping to be acknowledged.

But Junmyun continued to neglect his advances, and Jongdae’s mouth suddenly tasted like acid.

Jongdae let his hand fall from his leader’s shoulder, opting to bother Baekhyun, who he is sure won’t ignore him and tried very hard to not let the small rejection from Junmyun crush his fragile, fragile heart.

Jongdae let his shoudlers slump during their flight and all the way back to their dorms in Korea, but Junmyun doesn’t even notice, doesn’t even cast a single glance at the younger who is craving for his attention.

Chanyeol was the first to notice Jongdae’s quietness, Jongdae felt incredibly better after Chanyeol bombarded him with a lame compilation of knock knock jokes he saved from the internet and it was enough to put a smile on his face, but not enough to bury that feeling.

It was not the first time he felt it.

The first time he felt it was a long time ago, when newly-joined trainees Jongdae and Baekhyun was called to a room full of important managers to discuss their debut. A cocktail of pride, anticipation and fear brewed in Jongdae’s stomach and he was not sure how he should react, feeling very restless in his seat and unable to focus on the words of their higher-ups. He was to be renamed “Chen”, (which sounded very cool back then) to fit into the Chinese sub-unit of a larger group.

He glanced at Baekhyun, who had tears in his eyes and nodded fervently to the arrangements being read to them.

Jongdae could already see the spark in his parents’ eyes when he tells them this wonderous news.

He tried to reach for a bag of tissues he borrowed from Minseok earlier (that thing ought to be somewhere in his pocket!) to wipe the ugly tears off Baekhyun’s face, and frowned when he felt nothing in his pocket. But when he looked up again, there was no longer a need.

It was the trainee, the trainee who had stayed back to help Jongdae when he struggled with his dances, the trainee who carried a fainted Yixing on his back all the way to the nearest hospital, the trainee who had trained longer and harder than all of them

He was there in the room, beside Baekhyun, patting the cheeks of the sobbing boy lovingly and wiping away all the glistening tears with a tender smile.

That was the first time he felt it, some hideous monster that crawled around in his stomach and climbed all the way up his throat, he screamed in silent agony, unfamiliar with the emotion that has abruptly surfaced and temporarily unable to pay attention to the very important things the manager has to tell them.

( If he had listened carefully, he would have heard “this is our most trusted trainee, Kim Junmyun, he will be debuting with you two and is assigned the leader of your group, don’t hesitate to ask for his help” )

And the monster, the bug, the whatever-it-is, in his stomach was not a one-time vistor.

“Chen-ssi, what is your ideal type?” The interviewer read from her script, and the camera zoomed in onto Jongdae’s face.

“Someone who has really beautiful eyes.” And he is suddenly remembering the honest, kind eyes of Junmyun that turns into sparkling creasents when he smiles. “I always look at somebody’s eyes when I first meet them” When Junmyun and him first exchanged glances, he was so into those warm irises, mildly surprised that such beautiful eyes existed. After the elder turned to leave after casting a small smirk Jongdae had completely missed, he was left standing beside the venting machine alone, mouth still very much agape and drowning in those eys, drowning, drowning.

“How about her personality, Chen-ssi?”

“Someone who is older than me and is willing to take care of me, and I whine a lot so hopefully someone who can put up with my whining.” He laughs, pretense embarassment displayed on his face as a blush crept up his cheeks.

Junmyun took great care of everyone. Junmyun was aware of Tao’s fear of showering alone, and was willing to shower with the young boy most of the nights. Junmyun was aware of Yifan’s worsening health, and bought a handful of vitamin supplements after intensive research on the internet. Junmyun knew how Jongin’s hips hurt after long training sessions, and always gave him massages afterwards even he is very tired himself too.

Once Jongdae had joked that Junmyun took care of everyone but him, and Junmyun’s smile slipped off his gorgeous face for a moment, “You know how to take care of yourself, Jongdae, the others need me more than you do.” And Jongdae went on to tease Junmyun for being a “Helicopter mom”, trying very hard to conceal the disappointment and confusion that was stirring inside him.

In private, Junmyun always pushed Jongdae away.

Jongdae had always been fond of skinship, demanding hugs and warmth from his elder members, occasionally wrapping a hand around the waist of Sehun or Tao. Even Kyungsoo, who is not particularly fond of such physical intimacy, pets Jongdae’s head once in a while and ruffles his fluffy hair if Jongdae needed some attention.

But Junmyun.

Jongdae tried. A lot, a lot of times. He tried holding his arm when he laughed, he tried throwing a casual arm across his shoulder, he tried sitting closer and letting their legs brush lightly against each other. Every single time, Junmyun flinced, shrugged off his arm, moved to another seat, and Jongdae is left alone to pick up the small pieces of his shattered heart that has been hit by Junmyun’s hammer.

In public, Suho never pushed Chen away.

Suho was loving, an angel, guarding the members from whatever dangers headed their way and would never, never push s away.

And Jongdae enjoyed exploiting Suho’s facade. He touches Suho everywhere, anytime. He hugs Suho from behind, let himself imagine that they are not Suho and Chen, but Junmyun and Jongdae. When Suho flashes their fans one of those smiles, those absolutely angelic, heart-warming smiles that makes Jongdae’s toes curl and head buzz, Chen tucks them away in his memory ( so he can rewind them later).

He lets himself imagine that those smiles were not shared by millions of fans, but directed to Jongdae, who yearned and yearned and never stopped yearning.

Jongdae was not sure whether he liked that EXO-K and EXO-M were reuniting for their first album, XOXO. On one hand, he got to see Junmyun more in between preparations and trainings; on the other hand, most of the time Junmyun is talking to and touching other people that isn’t Jongdae.

The monster is back and Jongdae really, really wanted to throw up.

It turned out their album was an enormous hit and EXO-K immediately recevied a lot more endorsement offers, Suho was highly demanded and made appearence at many widely popular television and variery shows.

Jongdae was busier than before, but not half as busy as the EXO-K members, so he spent a lot of time alone in their dorms. Luhan, Kris, Tao, Lay were (as expected) very popular among their Chinese fans and often had to fly back and forth between China and South Korea, Xiumin was popular with local Korean fans and fanclubs for him popped up like mushrooms in fall.

And Jongdae… was just Jongdae.

He waited for Junmyun to come back from his emceeing and hosting and advertising and modelling every day. Sometimes he would sneak out to buy a new PS4 game and invite Junmyun to play it with him, he would say “Hyung, let’s play multiplayer!” and Junmyun would say “Not today, Jongdae. I am very tired, it has been a long day.”

But Jongdae kept on buying new games and things that could be for shared enjoyment, like those sappy romance movies from the 90s and the Seoul version of monopoly in an attempt to get Junmyun to spend more time with him.

He would be repeatedly rejected but he would say “I’m sure hyung just doesn’t like this game, I’m sure he will play with me if I found something he liked” to himself every time.

Junmyun confronted him one day and said “Jongdae, you need to stop buying these… board games. I know we don’t have a lot of dances to practice for Miracles in December but you really need to spend more time on training instead of all these.”

“But hyung…”

“Jongdae, listen to me. You weren’t that into board games before, what is wrong with you?”

“Hyung, I just… I just want to play...” with you, Jongdae wants to add but he might be crossing a line and he doesn’t want to screw up their friendship.

“Jongdae, this may be your way to relief stress, I watch anime too, but anime doesn’t require multiplayer participation. I think you need to find some games that…” Junmyun sighed “I am just very tired and I feel bad every time I turn down your offer… How about you ask Baekhyun, I’m sure he would enjoy them too…”

“But I only want Junmyun hyung.” Jongdae whispers, suddenly very close to tears and Junmyun realized that he had never seen Jongdae cry before that day.

“Jongdae-” Junmyun sighed again and he contemplates whether he should pat Jongdae on the shoulder but decides against it and lets his free hand fall awkwardly beside his hip.

“I like you, Junmyun hyung…” Jongdae was always so loud, this Jongdae was small and scared and trembling and Junmyun is not sure whether he’s the Jongdae everyone knows anymore.

“I like you too, Jongdae. I like every one of you and please understand I am just trying to help you-”

“No, you don’t understand!” Jongdae had screamed, pushing a startled Junmyun away and bolted straight into his room, locking the poor wooden door that he had slammed mercilessly and cocooned himself in the safety of his thick blankets.

They didn’t speak to each other for weeks, and Jongdae’s sure the other members felt the heavy tension that hung between the two, and he’s glad they didn’t bring this up. ( Not that they had a reason to, Chen and Suho were still very friendly and civilied towards each other and their fans never suspected a thing.)

Junmyun has suspected since a long time ago that Jongdae’s feelings for him weren’t exactly platonic and hetreoual. This incident has confirmed his assumptions and there is no need for him to accidentally lead the poor boy on.

Junmyun likes girls who have long black hair and is knowledgable in many topics despite being explosive at times. Junmyun does not like boys who have kittenish smiles and cheekbones so sharp they can cut your fingers.

Junmyun knows Jongdae is upset everytime he lets Baekhyun feel his abs, everytime he praises Sehun’s cuteness, everytime he rub Yixing’s back out of instinct.

Junmyun knows Chen is approaching Suho more and more because Jongdae can no longer approach Junmyun.

Junmyun knows Jongdae is the owner of the muffled sobs that seeps of out their bathroom at 4am.

And Junmyun rather he did not know because he cannot deal with any of this anymore. With increasing fans come obligations and haters and he’s trying very hard to fulfil his responsibilities as a leader.

And then Kris left them.






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I hope you liked the first chapter ^^ I am writing the second chapter now and it will mainly focus on how the members deal with the departue of Kris, Luhan and their Call Me Baby promotions:) Please subscribe if you liked this <3