My lovely Yongsun,

Holding on to hope has been the most torturous point of my life. Knowing I could neither leave nor stay anymore. Knowing life is just as cruel as death.

This is the path I have chosen, I pray you would choose your own someday. Allowing you to go on with nothing to hold on to but this letter is unfair, but every fiber of my being tells me you will find what you are looking for.

Your life has just begun my dear. I held your hand for most of our time together, this is my time to let go but remember the familiarity it brings. Do not forget me because I will certainly not forget you wherever I may be now. I may go to a place as foreign as ice it burns through the touch, who would know? My mistakes are far too great for me to know and for you to understand, but please do not think wrong of me my Yongsun,

Love is not the way it is on the outside.

- Minhyuk

---

The familiar creases of the letter kept me at daze before carefully folding it back into place and returning it into my purse. Another cold shiver ran across my spine like it always did after reading the letter, but I could never leave home without it.

The world always seemed that way, cold. I could never shake that feeling off even if my life depended on it. The air-conditioning system of the office didn’t seem to help either. Not that I’m complaining, this is as close to a home as it gets.

Setting my things aside, I took hold of the wooden picture frame on my desk. My mother’s face gleamed in the reflection of the lights above, it made her smile even brighter. The courage she had to be able to smile like this I never knew, a stranger wouldn’t think twice about assuming she was happy. Running my thumb one more time over the picture, I grabbed my things and darted for the exit forcing the memories away.

The sun was already low, but the streets were well alive. I took a turn towards my favourite deli, and entering Artie’s gave me a whiff of how starving I was. Working as a journalist had its perks but lunch breaks weren’t one of them. I settled in a seat next to the glass window that occupied most of the wall giving me a view of each figure wrestling their way through the crowd.

After ordering the usual, my pastrami sandwich was served with french fries topped with cheese on the side. Picking at my fries, I came to think about how I ended up like this. A columnist at New York Times for a year now, living in loft downtown, family-less, yet surviving on my own with just more than enough for a single woman. Things could be worse, in fact things are great for someone in this sort of situation so I’m grateful.

While gnawing on my sandwich, the sun was already setting on the horizon. People went by pacing as fast they could, all trying to get home before dark. Their faces went by as a blur but one face whose jaw was snugly wrapped in a green scarf shone out the rest, which left my mouth gaping wide.

An unattractive site for a young woman but that wasn’t my concern right now. I dropped my half-eaten sandwich, grabbed my purse, flung a fifty dollar bill on the table and shot for the door.

I was being mobbed by the crowd but I couldn’t care less and pushed through with all my will. I had to keep up while the green scarf was still in my line of sight. The longer I followed the more I kept tripping over my own feet baffled about what I just saw.

A turn at the corner.

Two street signs.

Crossing the pedestrian lane.

The flight of stairs down to the subway station.

All this went by as I persistently kept on following the scarf.

Twenty feet away, the figure momentarily stopped to check the time then headed for the subway as people began to file in. My pace turned into a sprint as I desperately tried to stop him.

Five feet away, almost there.

Just a moment too soon, I latched my hand onto his forearm which did the trick. People pushed through and the doors of the train finally closed leaving a gust of wind behind in the now deserted station.

My instincts finally kicked in and I knew to let go. My mind was racing for an explanation I could whip up but I didn’t know myself what just happened. The person faced me and didn’t look that pissed considering someone suddenly decided to cut him off by force. He reached for his scarf that was shielding half of his face from the cold and loosed it just enough for me to be greeted by a half smile.

I could have said a million things to that smile, so many thoughts just tangled up in my head. Another moment in my life where I couldn’t comprehend anything, but I was able to muster one word I haven’t said in years.

“Minhyuk.”

It was Minhyuk. Minhyuk was standing right in front of me with that half smile of his.

“Excuse me?” this interrupted my thoughts long enough to come back to reality, but didn’t swivel the fact that his voice sounded the same and crystal clear as ever.

“You’re here.” Great I sound retarded now, it’s time to bring back my educated self, any time now, Yongsun.

“Yeah, I am.” He said with a melancholic laugh that shot a shiver through me. We stood there in silence and I could have sworn a tumble weed was threatening to pass by. None of us attempted to move for the next couple of minutes. I kept on studying every bit of Minhyuk as possible and he just stood there waiting for me to respond.

“How have you been?” I am still not back to my educated self yet am I? But it was all I could do from all the years of batten down hatches.

“Well I missed the train ride home a couple of minutes ago but all’s good.”

I could feel the blood rush to my face and made a failed attempt to hide it. “I’m really sorry about that” giving a small bow to show my sincerity.  “It’s just... you look like somebody I used to know.”

“That’s a song right? Somebodyyy~” He said as he sang the last word to Gotye’s tune with a face made to look foolishly passionate about the song “Might that person be Minhyuk, miss?”

What he said brought another shiver. “Yes, you could be his twin brother.”

“I’m sorry but as far as I know I came out of my mother alone. Nice to meet you though. I’m Moon Byulyi, you can call me Moonbyul. And I’m a girl.” HeShe said as she removed the hood of her coat and sticking out her hand for a friendly shake. I contemplated on how genuinely kind she really was to a stranger she has never met before but decided to dwell more on it later and accept her hand shake.“Kim Yongsun.” Now that I know she isn’t Minhyuk, my mind has cleared up enough to be rational.  

The next words I spouted came more of a surprise to me than it did to her. “I really am sorry again for letting you miss your train, could I make up for it over coffee while you wait for the next one to arrive?”

8:38 pm

McNulty's Tea & Coffee was giving off its 1950’s vibes like it always did. At the corner of the room a stocky bearded man in a leather coat quietly tapped away on his tablet. The table next to him was occupied by two middle aged women with babies were sound asleep in their strollers parked on either side of them, their inside voices didn’t seem to bother the angels. That was all the action McNulty’s had for the night.

Scanning the room for any more signs of life Moonbyul came back with two cups of coffee and a blueberry muffin. She was kind enough to offer me the muffin but I refused. “Not a big fan of pastries I presume?” No, not that much. “I satisfied myself with pastrami before meeting you but thank you.”

She raised her eyebrows, eyes lit with curiosity. “And what would you like to call this meeting perhaps? Serendipity? Faith? Destiny?” I gave some thought on that but I couldn’t come up with a reasonable enough explanation. “How about stalker meets stalk-ee?” I said with a light hearted laugh.

“Good enough for me.” Taking a bite out of her muffin “Then ye tell me this, why art thou stalking thy stalk-ee?” mumbling the words with her blueberry muffin.

“Got the time for a good ole story?”

Genuine excitement vibrated from her face “I can make time.”

Rain continued to pitter patter on the plastic above me. These are the times I wish warmth would come yet I knew it was a wish left ungranted. Looking down at my feet I felt lost and alone, unable to comprehend the world.

The paper in my hand was open on the obituary section and my mother’s face was looking at me. “Come, Yongsun. Let’s not stay here any longer than we should. It’s freezing, we can’t let child protection services take you away, can we?” Minhyuk lifted me up in one hand and held my umbrella with the other.

A representative of child protection services came almost every year checking up on me. And I was forced to relive every moment of the dark days with the fear not being able to tell a lie suffocating me from the reality I’ve always wanted to forget, because they could take me away from Minhyuk.

Years went by and I’ve come to accept the truth that reliving everything once a year became my second─ but unanticipated─ birthday. My words now flowed from all honesty instead if fear for I knew Minhyuk wouldn’t allow them to take me away.

9:04 pm

“When was the last time you celebrated your second birthday?” Her muffin already at its last nibble.

It was hard to look at Moonbyul now. He still resembled Minhyuk too much, telling her all this felt like a great confession to someone I was so close to yet kept so many secrets from.

At the corner of my eye I could see the baby on the other side of the room begin to stir. Like she was listening to our conversation and urging me to go on. “After turning eighteen, they stopped coming back. The memories stopped too, I felt like I was given a fresh new start then.”

Moonbyul sat in silence suddenly interested in the colour of her coffee. This gave me the chance to collect myself and enjoy my own cup of coffee. Half-way through a sip, Moonbyul’s eyes shot up from her own train of thought and bore into mine. “Could you relive your second birthday one last time?” she asked sheepishly.

There was screaming, a lot of screaming.

My mother was unstable, especially after she and my father divorced and left us. That’s when Minhyuk came into the picture, he was my mother’s long time friend though they were ten years apart.

He came by as often as possible making sure I was given the proper care and attention, and I could tell he would always make sure my mother was still sane.

But one night things got bad.

“Stop coming here!” I held tightly onto my teddy bear form the other room.

“Not until you get some help Yonghui.” Tighter.

“STOP COMING HERE!” So much noise.

“Don’t you think Yongsun needs you?!”

For hour, the screaming didn’t stop and I was covered in the dark.     The eerie sound of glass breaking pulled me out of the darkness too late. How the sight in front of me unfolded, I would never know, but it burned so cold.

“Sunwoo left us! He left us for some other woman! And there’s nothing I can do about it, Minhyuk! Take one more step closer and I’ll...” I was paralyzed in terror as I saw the sliding doors of the balcony scattered into shards and my mother sitting on the edge of the railing.

“Damn it, Yonghui! Stop acting this way! GO AHEAD JUMP! This won’t solve anything. You’re just running away again.”

The next few moments were a blur.

My mother looking down, then right at me. Minhyuk screaming. The ambulance ride to the hospital. The doctor.

9:59 pm    

I felt my whole body tremble. I was frozen in cold as it slowly swallowed me whole.

Moonbyul leaped out of her chair and ran. That caught me off guard. Was it that freaky?

A few moments later, Moonbyul was in front of me again, looking flustered with a glass of water. My first thought was that she would start gulping it down any moment. I was surprised to see her pull out a yellow crazy straw out of the blue and urged me to drink the water with it. I sipped it without a second thought. Who could say no to a crazy straw?

Suddenly the cold didn’t seem to bother me anymore.

“I’m sorry.” She said her apology directed at my gaze.

I just shook my head at this. “Love is not the way it is on the outside.”

An apology wasn’t necessary. Minhyuk spent his whole life making up for what he thought of as his greatest mistake, even at his death bed from cancer.

As we headed towards the exit of McNulty's, I couldn’t help but look at the stirring baby a moment ago. She was now sound asleep again, the most peaceful being I have ever laid my eyes on.

Moonbyul and I parted ways on the subway, but before leaving she pulled me in for a hug.

And this is when I felt something I haven’t felt in so many years, warmth.

“Forgive me, Yongsun.” I was in shock. I knew she wasn’t Minhyuk, she was simply helping me. But this was the greatest grace I have received my entire life.

“I forgive you.” She felt warm.

[fin]