Pure and Tainted

Heart thumping inside his chest so loudly, he could swear people standing far away from them could hear it and he could feel the stinginess of heat on his cheeks as he tried to stare back at the beauty in front of him without looking away. How could he look away anyway? He was mesmerized by how beautiful this human being was, and the edges of his tattoo inked on his chest which was visible from the V neck t-shirt he was wearing, had made him out of breath. His fingers were itching to touch them and run the pads on the pattern and follow the path. He fisted his hands, resisting the urge inside him before closing eyes and finally looking away, however his chin was grabbed by a hand and smiling lips got closer to his face. Not to kiss him like Luhan wanted it so so bad, but because the other was simply so tall and Luhan was too short like the girls around him. He felt his breath hitting his face when the other let out a small chuckle. If it was someone else or maybe somewhere else, he would have felt so humiliated to stay there and probably would have ran away to lock himself in his room but this was Sehun. Sehun was the one holding onto his chin, leaning into his face to check his injured temple, so how could he run away when he had always dreamt how it would feel like to have those slender fingers on his cheeks? The timing and situation was terrible but Luhan it in and enjoyed the moment despite the pain he could feel in his head, making him slightly dizzy and light headed.

“You made it. Don’t worry about the injury. It’s not extreme. Everyone hurt themselves after jumping off the roof. I hurt my temple as well when I jumped a year ago.” Sehun said with his soft, caring voice that almost made Luhan forget about how many wrong things the other had done while fooling around.

He was officially part of the group. He was part of the famous group Sehun was in with his cool, arrogant friends everyone was dying to be a part of. And no, Luhan didn’t do anything foolish just so he could join. He didn’t do anything. It was a normal day for him, sitting under a tree, enjoying the coolness in its shadow while reading his favorite book when Sehun himself approached him with his usual blinding smile. Sehun was the one who sat beside him and talked to him without expecting Luhan to say anything. He invited him to join and do the joining ritual so they could be friends. Luhan couldn’t understand why he called him cool enough to be beside them when he was anything but cool. He was a loner, sitting under trees to read and avoid socializing with literally anyone. He didn’t have any friends to talk to and give them the hot news about Sehun coming to him himself without Luhan begging at his knees to just spare him a look just because he could dream of those eyes every night so he locked himself in his room for days, thanking God it was summer and he didn’t have to go to school to see Sehun again and be forced to give him an answer. His plan of avoiding the other didn’t work perfectly when Sehun texted him, making him gasp under his blanket upon the realization that Oh Sehun had gone through the trouble of finding his phone number.

-Yes or no Blondie? I really do want you to join our group. Sehun had texted and Luhan replied a simple ‘yes’ with trembling fingers and heart filled with joy, doubt, fear and excitement. Maybe it was a sign for him to finally get out of his shell and look around the crazy world, doing what normal teenagers do during high school. They were going to be seniors, soon to graduate and go off to college and Luhan yet had no experience of drinking illegally to get drunk or going to a party or have a fake ID to get into bars. He had no experience with anything and deep down in his heart, he could feel this uncomfortable feeling of knowing that this joining the group invited by Sehun himself is just a dare or a prank so his remaining days of high school could be a demonstration of hell.

“Hey.” Sehun snapped him out of his thoughts and tilted his head to look him directly in his eyes. They were alone in a dark place away from the abandoned pool while the others were having fun with booze and low music playing from their cellphones. Luhan could hear the girls and boys shouting Sehun’s name to just come back already but the other didn’t even look their way, too busy making sure Luhan was alright after the jump into the pool from the roof of the abandoned house beside it. “How are you feeling?” He asked, his smile never leaving his lips.

“I’m good.” Luhan nodded his head, cringing when the other touched his injury on his temple.

“Maybe you should go see a doctor.” Sehun muttered, amused by something Luhan couldn’t put his finger on.

If Luhan was still that loner, he would have said yes and ran to his parents so they could take him to a doctor but he had just jumped off a roof into a pool as a rule of joining the coolest group of people and running off to a hospital would be shown as weakness. He’s supposed to risk everything and have dangerous fun without flinching. He shook his head and gave Sehun a reassuring smile. “I’m fine. Let’s just get back. The shouts and screams aren’t hurting my head anymore.” He said and Sehun chuckled again, standing up straight before taking his hand and pulling him to the others.

One of the girls with big blue eyes like she has walked right out of a modeling magazine approached him, obviously drunk and wasted, with a bandage and some tape, messily trying to cover his wound. Luhan had to wrap his arm around her slim waist to stop her from rocking back and forth just to protect her from falling on the ground hard. Those heels seemed pretty dangerous. She could break her ankle with how careless she was acting and walking. His injury was soon covered with some bandage and maybe too much tape than needed so Luhan let go of her waist, thanking her with a smile. The girl whose name was Nara winked at him before throwing herself in one of the boys’ arms. Luhan had seen her in Sehun’s arms so many times that he could swear they were together but by the looks of it, she was having so much fun rolling her hips along with some guy named Jongdae and Sehun didn’t seem just one bit annoyed or offended since he was sipping his beer, his arm around some other girl who was taking selfies of herself, making sure a drinking-beer-Sehun was always in the background.

Luhan didn’t protest about the two girls leaning on the car on each of his sides, also drunk and sometimes a little too touchy. He was just thankful of being wet all over after the jump in the pool so he was the only one feeling cool in the warm summer night. He had told his parents about his sleepover at one of his friends and they were too happy that their son was finally interacting with people that they didn’t ask whom or where. Truth is, they were going to stay at Sehun’s and watch some movie with more booze and maybe some music to dance to. They were all too wasted to go back home and confront their parents. After a few minutes of stupid selfies, waiting for his clothes to dry a little and pretending he’s drinking beer, Luhan finally sighed when Sehun declared they should head towards his house.

“Get in the front.” Sehun beckoned Luhan who quickly complied without complaining or questioning him.

The car ride was quiet just as Luhan expected. He liked it that way. To not talk and just steal glances of the other and admire his profile or the way his fingers wrapped around the gear or even how strong he seemed just by moving the stick smoothly. Luhan, however, forbade himself to take another glance of those strong arms or the tattoos in sight. They were still in high school. How could he have the permission to ink his body that much in his age without getting into any kind of trouble? Not that he was complaining. Not at all. He secretly loved to imagine himself the only one around him who would be able to touch them. He was just simply curious of how Sehun’s parents are and what they think of their son’s life style.

The movie was boring. Just a plain action movie he never thought would be able to finish with his eyes still open. He just sat somewhere away from the crowd and gazed at Sehun and his strong arm around the same girl he was with earlier. He envied the girl whose head was resting on Sehun’s shoulder but kept his feelings to himself while pretending to watch the movie and enjoying how people get beaten up or end up dead.

Luhan honestly thought the best moment of the night would be the one Sehun took care of him after the jump but the best moment actually happened after everyone occupied the rooms along with the couches and he ended up in Sehun’s bed with the owner sleeping on the floor. The starry sky suddenly roared and horrendous thunders came one after the other. Luhan tried so hard not to wake the other up with his constant rolling around and small whines and finally curled up as far as he could, hiding his face in the blanket, inhaling Sehun’s intoxicating scent. The best moment was when the bed suddenly dipped behind him and a figure pulled him in a warm, safe embrace, breathing softly against his nape.

“Scared of thunders?” Sehun asked with a small chuckle and pulled Luhan closer, pressing his back to his front without any hesitation or awkwardness.

“Yes.” He whispered before biting his lip and gripping at the blanket, still visibly trembling.

“You jumped off a roof into a pool Luhan. How can you be scared of thunders to the point of trembling?” Sehun said, this time his tone was slightly concerned and it quickly warmed Luhan’s heart.

He let himself be embraced and whispered to all night even after the thunders were gone and rain was pouring outside. They enjoyed the sound of the water droplets hitting the window until sleep took them both to dreamland.

The next time they met, the location was somewhere out of the city with an open field full of wild flowers and a little forest somewhere nearby. Apparently the location was only chosen for the girls after they had deemed their instagram looked bland and not interesting enough so they thought photography between the red wild flowers would increase the followers and keep the nice comments coming. Luhan tried to stay silent and resist the urge of saying how beautiful the scenery was just because the statement wasn’t manly and he needed to be a man. So he only snapped a couple of photos before walking somewhere farther from the crowd of his new friends.

He preferred to watch everything from afar so maybe his heart would hurt less. Sitting down on the grasses and somewhere between the flowers, Luhan listened to Sehun’s laughter and watched his friends trying to tug at his shirt and take it off. He was trying to deny their request of being pictured beside the flowers but once Nara had pressed herself to that godly body of Sehun, the boy didn’t seem to be able to deny it anymore. His shirt was off in a second and his pants were pulled slightly down so the v-lines on his hips would be more visible. Upon seeing the sight before him, Luhan felt the oxygen was out of him and he no longer knew how to breathe. The sun rays had lit the boy’s body and the tattoos looked perfect on those toned muscles. Luhan found himself counting them.

One on each of his upper arms, one big skull and some other weird shapes on his chest, a few words in Latin behind his left ear, some letters on each of his fingers, a large complicated but interesting one on his back and a long vertical one on his left side that Luhan couldn’t understand what was written there. Over all Sehun looked like the most beautiful and handsome boy that had ever lived on this planet. Luhan tried hard not to pay attention to that slim, half body of the girl, pressed flushed on that toned chest but failed miserably. He couldn’t look away no matter how much it hurt him to watch. Her hands were small and pale against the tattoos on Sehun’s chest as their friends took faceless pictures. Luhan could only guess the concept was young love. He envied how carefree they were.

After numerous photos taken from the half- couple, they all moved close to Luhan and lied down on the grass where there were less flowers and Sehun was lying beside him within a second. They were still a little far from the others, their chatters muffled slightly as they rolled on the ground, getting even further away. Luhan sighed and lied down as well, resting his head on the green grass beneath him. The weather was warm and a cool breeze would brush against their skin once in a while. The sky was turning into a hue of pink, orange and yellow as the sun began to set in the horizon. Luhan had seen the sun set too many times but watching it with Sehun gave him a small giddy feeling in his chest.

None of them talked to break the silent or comment on how their friends were suddenly silent like them, watching the landscape so Luhan closed his eyes and smiled upon hearing the beautiful sound of Sehun’s breathing. He was tempted to rest his ear on that broad, still chest and instead listen to that steady heart beat but he reminded himself to don’t be greedy. He was lucky enough to be in their group of friends. He was fine just by observing from afar.

“I wanna move out.”

The silent was broken by that angelic voice of Sehun and Luhan’s insides trembled.

“Why?” He asked, slowly opening his eyes and tilting his head to the side, only to see the other was already staring at him with an intense gaze.

“Everyone’s trying to change me.” Sehun replied after a few seconds and lifted up his hand to brush his fingers on the now healing wound on Luhan’s temple.

Luhan leaned into the touch involuntarily, biting his lip. “Don’t mind them. Do what you like to do.”

“It’s not that easy.”

They talked with hushed voices and Luhan thought maybe, just maybe, Sehun didn’t want his other friends to know about the topic they were talking about. His heart beat even faster when he thought maybe Sehun was only comfortable enough with him to bring it up and talk about it so openly like he had been friends with Luhan for years.

“Of course. Nothing is easy. You need to work hard for everything.” Luhan replied simply, suddenly gaining so much confidence to answer the boy without stuttering or hesitating.

Sehun smiled at his words, nodding his head; his fingers leaving the rough texture of Luhan’s wound. The younger resisted the urge of whimpering in need, begging him to be touched more. “I’m allowed to do whatever the I want. I wanted tattoos and I got them. I want piercings and I’ll get them. I wanted a car, I got it. But I’m expected to take over the family business and I don’t think I can handle it.”

Luhan mustered up all of his courage and slowly pushed a lock of hair out of Sehun’s face, all the while smiling. He always thought how soft his hair must be and he wasn’t wrong. Luhan could easily get used to running his hands into that hair and brush it with his fingers. “You can. I know you can.”

“It’s not that I’m gonna bail out, stop going to school or anything. I’m just…not worthy of that title.” Sehun mumbled, his voice barely above whisper and Luhan could hardly hear the last few words.

The blond hooked his fingers into Sehun’s hair and ran the pad of his thumb onto his forehead, his smile never fading. “You’re worthy of everything Sehun.” He mumbled back but made sure the older would hear him just fine.

Letting out a small chuckle, Sehun lifted up his upper body by the help of his elbow and looked down at the lying boy beside him with a wide smile. “You’re too pure for this dark world baby. How can someone be worthy of you?”

Luhan, who had withdrawn his hand as soon as the boy moved, blushed madly at the words. His head turned to the side to avoid the gaze he was being given and exhaled rather loudly when the back of a hand touched his cheek. His eyes closed at the touch and he tried hard not to think of the words he just heard. He can’t let himself imagine things. He can’t get his hopes up by the words. Luhan knew he would only crash back down too hard. He can’t give up. Just when he thought he could feel the other getting closer to his face, someone called their names loudly, asking them to join instead of sleeping. If only they knew they weren’t sleeping.

The feeling and the caresses were gone and Luhan was left dazed from all the thoughts in his head. Slowly he sat up and looked at the topless boy, putting his shirt back on and stand up. He didn’t spare him a look as he walked towards the others, nor did he pull him along like he did most of the time. So Luhan stood up on his own and joined the others who were laughing, talking and still snapping pictures. Luhan, yet another time, tried to ignore the sight of Nara clinging onto Sehun before him. He should be grateful. He got more attention from Sehun than he actually deserved.

Sighing softly, Luhan scrolled down the notifications on his instagram. Maybe he should be happy that one of the perks of being in the most badass group of all would make you popular ‘cause people will finally notice you. He was no longer that invisible quiet kid who sat under the tree and spent his summer only reading. He was now one of the most popular kids in school. Sehun and Nara had posted selfies with him in their instagram, tagging him and adding how it’s a must to have a blondie in the group who’s the most sweetheart in the caption. Luhan only felt more anxious about his visual and how he was to behave. It was easier when no one noticed him. He didn’t have to be worried about what people might think.

Throwing his bag filled with swimming equipment on his shoulder, Luhan looked out of the window and smiled upon seeing Sehun with a loose grey shirt that exposed more of his tattoos and with a pair of ripped black jeans, waiting for him by his car, his arms crossed and eyes staring at the asphalt. There was a small frown on his face that Luhan could see even from inside the house and from the second floor where his bedroom was located and he wanted nothing but to kiss it off his face.

He ran down the stairs, said goodbye to his parents who wished him a good day before he ran towards the boy across the street. “Hi.” He said and gave him a fist bumped before giggling. “Where are the others?”

“They’re already there. I had to do something before leaving so I volunteered to pick you up.” Sehun answered with his signature smile and got inside the car.

The ride towards the sea was quiet except for the song playing on the radio. Not that Luhan was complaining, no. He actually loved the silence between them. Sehun was a mysterious, quiet guy and Luhan didn’t want to ramble or force him to talk more. He just simply enjoyed the wind hitting his hand when it was out of the window or the occasional touches by Sehun on his knee, arm or hand without any good reason. He never asked why he did it or what was the reason behind his endless touches because why would he? He was his friend and that was what friends do. At least he hoped. He never had any best friend since childhood so how could he know?

Once they had joined the others, Luhan put his backpack on the blanket thrown on the sand and smiled back at the girls who greeted him with loud voices and wide grins. The sun was shining bright, the weather was excruciatingly hot and there wasn’t even a small breeze to hit their already sweating and hot bodies. Luhan huffed and threw his shirt into his bag and stood there only in his swimming shorts just like the other guys. However he wasn’t tough like them. They didn’t need sunscreen or anything like Luhan needed it. He found it somewhat embarrassing to put some on his arms and back though, thinking it’s a girly thing. He would endure the burning later. For now he had to show them he was tough like a man.

“Your skin is smoother and more beautiful than Nara here.” One of the boys said as soon as his eyes landed on Luhan’s milky white skin and the boy blushed, surprised at the statement.

“I…” He tried to defend himself but was cut off by an approaching Sehun, who frowned at the boy and told them to go and get the ball.

Sehun snatched the sunscreen from the hands of Nara who whined and said she still needed it before forcing Luhan to turn his back to him. “You’re too white. Have you ever been out in the sun?”

Although his voice seemed like he was scolding him, Luhan smiled and lowered his head to let the other rub the cream everywhere.

“We won’t stay much in the sun. We’ll play soccer a little and then go into the water. You won’t burn much.”

Luhan only nodded in response and closed his eyes so he could focus on the fingers gliding up and down his back. He feared to inform the latter that the last time he had been on a beach was when he was only a kid, maybe 5 or 6 years old and since then he had been scared of been burnt that he never agreed with his parents when they suggested a swim in the sea. Once the other was done with the sunscreen, he pulled Luhan towards the other boys who were fooling around with the ball, laughing loudly.

The boys played a little soccer with the ball, feet digging into the hot sand while running around and hands trying to push others out of their way. Maybe none of them were a good player since mostly they played basketball but they had fun.  Luhan laughed along with his friends when Sehun fell down on the ground by the hard shove of one of their friends named Jongin and suddenly realized how comfortable he is with those guys. They considered him part of the group and one of their best friends as soon as he had jumped off that roof. He was glad. Having friends to be with was worth everything.

After maybe an hour of fooling around on the beach, Sehun pulled him inside the sea, laughing every time Luhan tripped and was about to fall face first into the water. The others, even the girls followed after and somehow the ball was brought as well, now floating on top of the water, in the middle of the circle they had formed.

“Let’s pick partners and the last group who manages to never go under the water wins.” Jongdae said, his arms already around one of the girls in the most beautiful bikini Luhan has ever seen. It makes him realize just how filthy rich everyone is except for him.

His eyes suddenly landed on Nara who had a big smile on her lips and was currently getting closer to where Sehun was. Of course those two would be one of the groups and Luhan guessed they would probably win with how strong and tall Sehun was. However before the girl could utter anything, a pair of long, tattooed arms were wrapped around his slim waist and a chin was placed on his shoulder.

“I’m with Luhan.” Sehun said and even though no one could see it, Luhan felt those arms tighten around his waist under the water.

“That’s unfair dude. Pick a girl. Of course two boys in a group would win.” Jongin rolled his eyes and pulled one of the other girls closer to him, the one he was always with. Luhan didn’t remember her name but he guessed they were in a pretty serious relationship according to their instagram pictures and how they always stuck together during their meet ups.

“Just look at him. He’s fragile. I’m sure Mina and Nara would make the perfect team.” Sehun said with a smirk and earned a small slap on his arm by Mina who threatened him she’ll be the one drowning him under the water. It wasn’t like Sehun felt even a bit of pain from the slap but still Luhan’s face screwed into a frown without himself noticing and he