AM 4:44

He was lost. He had no idea how long he had been out. He only knew he needed it. Glancing at his wristwatch, for the first time that night, he let out a sigh. “4:44 AM. Looks like I really took my time”, he tried to smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He hated how powerless he felt. Suddenly, he was envious of all the trainees that gave up the life he was currently leading for their families, lovers, school. He thought about giving up so many times, but each time he had to remind himself, he was the leader, people actually depended on him. So he stayed. He put on a mask and pretended to be tough. He locked himself in the studio and busied himself with writing, thinking that going back to his passion would help him. But the music he made was too real, too depressing and therefore no good for an idol group. He fell deeper into his misery. He was still good to his fans, and a good hyung to s, but no one knew what he was going trough and he had no intention to share. But the weight on his shoulders became too big for even him to handle.

He was by now at his breaking point. More and more often, he found himself thinking about his grandfather. Would it be so bad if he were to join him? Dark thoughts took over his mind. After waking up covered in sweat and tears from yet another nightmare, he realized he couldn’t take it anymore. He needed a breather. Slipping on his hoodie and a mask on his face, he made sure all members were asleep before he bolted out of the dorm. Exactly three and a half hours passed since then. It was now 4:44 in the morning. He had his phone with him, but it was turned off. He somehow found himself near the river. He chuckled, thinking how water could have a calming effect and his feet randomly got him to here. He made it to a bridge.  There were no cars, no people and he suddenly felt at peace, watching the water flow under him. His eyes stared to get teary, but he made no effort to wipe them. Here, he didn’t have to, he was alone and no one was there to see him. And by now he was full on crying. And it felt so painful and yet so good, to be away from everyone, to get everything out of his system. If he could, he would scream, but he still felt so clogged up with his tears. He settled with a silent chuckle instead.

He had no idea how long he was there, crying, when he heard a sniffle that wasn’t his own. Panicking, he abruptly stood up and began wiping his eyes, afraid that he was seen. Clearing his view and calming himself down a bit, he started to look for the “intruder”. It didn’t take him too long to spot him. Or her, to be more precise.

She was on the other end of the bridge, not even noticing him at all. She was wearing baggy clothes and had a hood over her head, but her tiny physique gave her away. She too was staring at the water like he was minutes ago and all that could be heard from her were few occasional sniffles. But she was staring at the water too intensely, gripping on the fence a bit too much for his liking. He frowned. She didn’t mean to jump, did she? Sudden panic took him over and he reacted by instinct. In no time he was next to her.

“Hey.” Normally, she would have been startled by the sound of somebody’s voice out of the blue, but she felt so drained and out of emotions that she couldn’t even react by reflex. “Please don’t do anything irrational tonight. Please.” Her grip on the fence tightened, still facing the water. “Honestly, I came here with some dark thoughts as well. But, just now I realized; it’s not worth it. It really isn’t.” She turned to look at him and he felt his heart tugging.  Her eyes were teary and puffy and filled with such a familiar pain, he felt captivated, he couldn’t look away. “It wouldn’t matter to anyone. I don’t matter to anyone” she whispered, looking into his eyes. But, as he removed his mask and hood, she froze. Not because he was Bang Yongguk, the idol, because she honestly had no idea who he was then. No, it was because his expression mirrored hers, she saw the pain and the struggle in his eyes as they stared into hers. He was so young. But then again, so was she. Her grip on the fence loosened as her eyes became more watery. He wasted no time into pulling her in a hug, afraid that she might try something that would break him. But she broke in his hold instead. She was sobbing and shivering and to him she felt so tiny and fragile, he was afraid that even by moving he would hurt her. Both of them lost track of time before she calmed down in his hold. But his arms were still around her, strong yet gentle. Only now she realized how tall he was and how deep his voice was, as he was comforting her and patting her head. Still dazed, she apologized at least twenty times and he told her she has nothing to be sorry about the same amount of times, if not even more.

He was warm, she could feel his heartbeat and suddenly, after god knows how long, she realized she was being held by a stranger. A beautiful stranger, but a stranger nonetheless. She snapped out of her daze and pushed him, her cheeks heating up in the process. The push took him by surprise but as soon as he saw her all flustered, he figured she had finally escaped her dark place. And a sincere, gummy smile appeared on his face. Looking up at him to thank him for everything and escape as quickly as possible, she saw him smiling at her. And she was smitten. Her face flushed, she tried to murmur a “Thank you for everything” and “I’m sorry”, but it all turned out gibberish and he couldn’t help but laugh. She wanted to pretend his laugh didn’t affect her in any way, shape or form, but her accelerating heart was working against her. By now the sun had already started to show, and if he was being honest with himself, to him she looked beautiful in that lightning. Even with puffy eyes, red cheeks and in clothes that were way too big for her, she, to him, was the most adorable thing he had seen. And for that moment he forgot about all the pain he felt for the past few months, as well as all the worries the future would bring. Right now, it was just them and the sunrise, which none of the two was looking at, too absorbed in each other.

She finally broke the silence, her voice a bit nervous. “Hey, um, thank you. Really. If it weren’t for you, I could have done something really, really stupid and selfish tonight. So, um”, her face flushed, “I’m glad you were there. I’m sorry, again. If – if it weren’t for you, I don’t know what would have happened.” Her eyes were on the ground by now, since she could feel his piercing gaze on her. He smiled and leaned forward to pat her hair one more, leaving her all flustered. “Don’t thank me. And don’t apologize either. Honestly, right now I’m so glad I made an escape tonight”, he chuckled, before turning serious once again. “I don’t think we’ve properly introduced each other, even though it feels like I’ve known you for years”, she blushed over the comment, her attention now on his hand.

“I’m Yongguk. And it’s very nice to meet you” he gave her his signature gummy smile. This time she looked him in the eyes and smiled right back, with a sincere and beautiful look that made his stomach twist, and took his hand. He couldn’t help but notice how small her hand seemed in his.

“I’m Hayoung”, she chuckled, “and the pleasure is all mine.

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