I want to breathe, I hate this night

I want to wake up, I hate this dream

I’m trapped inside myself and I’m dead

Don’t wanna be lonely

Just wanna be yours

 

Mark laid in bed awake, staring at the ceiling. The dark night surrounded him, leaving him with his thoughts. All he was seeing was black. All he heard was the soft sound of his breathing. He felt like he was on a cloud that was ready to disappear, leaving him falling. His thoughts started to consume him. The negative thoughts of loneliness and being gone. The feeling of falling caused him to jerk up in bed, breathing heavily. He looked around and saw that he was by himself. The spot next to him in bed was empty, but the scent was still there.

 

Why is it so dark here without you?

It’s dangerous how wrecked I am

Save me because I can’t get a grip on myself

 

He turned his body to the side and trailed his fingers along the edge of the pillow next to his, tracing the frame of the head that was usually rested there. From the pillow, his hand made its way to his wrist. His eyes became glossy as his runs his fingers along the small bumps along his arm while his gaze never left the indent in the pillow. His body turned back and looked at the desk from across the room. He walked up through the dark and grabbed the tool he kept away. Being alone in the room made everything seem darker to him than it was before, making him feel dizzy. Mark needed him. 

 

Listen to my heartbeat

It’s calling you at it’s own will

Because within this pitch black darkness

You are shining so brightly

 

He was one to follow his heart more than his mind. There was no question where his body was taking him when he started walking. His feet shuffled across the carpet as he made his way towards the stairs. Being at the top of the stairs, his slow heart rate started to quicken its pace. One by one, he started going down the steps. The darkness at this point was nothing as his heart guided him to the one he needed. Once he reached the bottom of the steps, all he saw that him radiating in the moonlight as he laid on the couch.

 

Give me your hand

Save me, save me

I need your love before I fall, fall

 

Mark walked over to the figure laying down on the couch. Slowly, he kneeled down next to him. He held the sharp tool tightly in his hand as he admired the other’s sleeping figure with glossy eyes. He slowly reached up and moved his fringe from his eyes, leaving his fingers to trail down the side of his face and down his arm to his hand, taking in the features of his lover’s face and body. Carefully, he slipped his hand into the others.

 

This lunatic night swallows me

Please save me tonight

 

He wasn’t trying to let his thoughts consume his whole being, but it started to as he thought of every little thing possible. If he was going to lose the love of his life. If all his happiness was about to disappear. He wanted to make this all right and perfect. He loves the one he’s with and he’s on the couch in front of him now. He was the one who kept Mark going. It was him and the family. His family that he loves dearly. He would do anything for them, even go though hell. He was the one for Mark. Mark knew that, together, they can get through anything. Even with a hidden darkness, he was the one who knew how to get through it with Mark.

 

I have known that you are my savior

the part of me and only hands cover my sorrow

The best of me. I have only you

Please level up your voice to make me laugh again

 

The feeling of his hand caused his lover to stir a bit. With a whisper of his name, his eyes started to flutter open. His cold gaze met Mark’s soft gaze. Mark could only sigh at the sight and feeling of his piercing gaze. His hand moved from Mark’s causing Mark to frown. He slowly stood up and moved to sit on the couch next to his laying lover. His heart ached and the only thing Mark needed was him, but like always Mark had messed up. The feeling of lost was overcoming Mark as he tried to stop his body from shaking. 

 

“Jae..” he spoke softly, trying to get his attention.

 

“Go back to sleep.” Jaebum muttered, turning onto his side.

 

“I can’t sleep..”

 

Jaebum didn’t say anything, but Mark saw his body turn back before sitting up. Mark just looked at Jaebum, trying to think of what to say. That was the thing about Mark. He wanted to make sure what he said was right, that he was conveying his message clearly. Mark hated messing up. He wanted to be perfect. He was snapped out of his thoughts when Jaebum’s eyes gazed over to his hands.

 

Mark bit his lip, a habit he had when he was either nervous or aroused. This time around was the former. He knew. Jaebum knew. Mark didn’t need to say words right now. There was one thing and it was clutched in his hand. Taking Jaebum’s hand, Mark’s gaze never broke from Jaebum’s eyes as he looked back at him, a look that Mark couldn’t muster. He slowly moved the object from his hand to Jaebum’s hand.

 

“Please..” he whispered before dropping his head. He hated crying, but he was an emotional wreck when it came to these things.

 

“Mark..” 

 

Mark cut him off. “Jae, please..” he started softly before going on his spiel, hoping his words would show his emotions. “I’m sorry.. I shouldn’t be scared, but I am. I’ve never loved anyone so deeply before. I just.. I don’t want to lose you. You mean so much to me. Its true to how much you mean to me. You’re the only one that I have. That I want. That I need. I’d literally do anything for you. Hearing your voice makes my heart skip a beat. My heart that calls out for you and you only. Seeing you makes my stomach do flips. I’m in love with everything about you, what you say, what you do. You matter to me the most, your words, opinions, facts, thoughts. I’m so sorry. I just wanted things to be perfect for us, but I ruined that too. You’re someone who I want to keep close to me as my lover. I want to do so much for you and with you. I want to love you, hold you, kiss you, grow old with you, and more. I want things to work out between us. I want us to be together for a long time. I want to be the type of couple that people see and become amazed at how long we’ve been together. No matter how big or small, I want to experience every high and low we have together. I want to be there for you. No matter what happens, I want to get through it together.”

 

Jaebum stared at Mark. He didn’t know what to say. Was he hearing the same thing from him or was there something different about this? In his mind, Mark only hoped that he showed more than what he said. His heart felt like it was aching. It was aching for Jaebum. The only person that could save him from this whole feeling. Jaebum then sighed. Something that Mark didn’t want to hear at the moment.

 

“What?” Jaebum questioned. Mark shook his head. “Well what do you want me to say? That it’s gonna magically make everything disappear and things are okay again?”

 

Mark reached up and placed his hands on Jaebum’s cheeks, them gently with the pad of his thumbs while shaking his head. “Nothing is going to ever magically disappear, but it’s something that we can make disappear together. I’ve learned from it. I’ve changed from it. I don’t want anything to happen to us..” This time it was Mark’s turn to sigh as he felt vulnerable. Make or break him.

 

Jaebum slowly moved his hand to Mark’s and moved them away. Mark looked at him in the eyes, trying to find an answer or something to tell. Jaebum looked back into Mark’s eyes. Mark hoping that all his emotions showed enough to tell that nothing was going to ever stop loving Jaebum.

 

Mark broke the silence. “You don’t have to say anything right now. I can give you time to think, but I feel like I’m breaking right now without you.”

Jaebum looked away and let out a breath. “I don’t know, Mark.’

 

Mark nodded, understanding. Jaebum saw this. Mark was getting ready to leave, but his heart stopped him from doing so and spoke instead. “Can I stay here with you for the night..?”

 

Jaebum thought about it and nodded after a little bit. Jaebum slowly laid down and Mark followed, laying down close to him since they were on the couch. Mark’s eyes stayed opened as Jaebum’s eyes started to close. Jaebum must’ve caught on to Mark’s insomnia during times like this because Mark felt a pair of soft lips against his forehead and his hair being played with. Instantly, Mark felt relaxed. 

 

Thank you for letting me be me

For helping me fly

For giving me wings

For straightening me out

For waking me from being suffocated

For waking me from a dream which was all I was living in

When I think of you the sun comes out

And I throw away my sorrow

 

“Go to sleep now..” Jaebum mumbled while closing his eyes again.

 

“Jae..” Mark whispered softly. He hummed in response. Mark closed his eyes while gripping onto Jaebum’s shirt slightly. 

 

Give me your hand

Save me, save me

I need your love before I fall, fall

 

“I need you.”