[Confusion]

I’m thorn right now. Confused whether I like Taeyeon or not. It’s strange state of mind and I feel lost. I’m trying to understand if all of these emotions I felt lately are real… I guess most people would laugh at this. Silly girl crush. I know I have no hope in this situation, because she doesn’t like me that way. I guess she likes me as a friend, I know more than some of our friend do and I guess she trusts me because I know her deepest thoughts.

Of course I can’t be sure that Tae unnie hasn’t told about this to others. Maybe she did and I felt special for nothing. But Taeyeon unnie even told me “You can read me quite easily” and I guess that’s true.

I can see her emotions, I can sense when she’s feeling low or when she’s happy.

Taeyeon didn’t need to tell me things or assure me about it, though she does. She keeps repeating that’s she’s alright. That’s she’s having fun. And I’m believing her. Why shouldn’t I? We have been friends for a long time and we have talked about things I haven’t talked with other people. You know what they say “It’s easy to confide in someone so special to you” or at least that’s what she used to tell me.

It was hard when I started crushing on Taeyeon unnie though. It was unexpected and painful in a way. At first it was silly really. I was stupid enough to believe that she might like me though that’s just how Tae acts with everyone. She laughs when you joke, she touches her friends most of the time, hugs and squeezes them when she feels like it.

I’m not sure if I still like her. I want to believe that I don’t. I really hope that I’m out of it, because I have been in the dark for too long. I hit rock bottom… got my hopes up because of all the stupid little details that wasn’t even for me.

Meanwhile I crushed on her she crushed on another.

She even told me about it and I guess that’s the part that hurt me the most. Finally coming down to earth and realizing that I was mistaken. Mistaken again that someone so special to me can like me. I have few crushed before but I never cried because of it. I know there’s another saying “It hurt because it mattered” but I would take everything back if I could.

I believe Taeyeon's worth it… being happy and I want to see her this way, though I won’t be the reason of it. Crushes disappear but friends stay forever that’s what people say, right? I guess that’s what helps me fall asleep at night.

It’s stupid but I still spend whole day crying about it. Tears rolled down my cheeks while I messaged another good friend of mine. She listened to me rambling about it and supported me which made me feel better and when you stop crying you stop feeling.

So I felt numb again.

I don’t know if that’s just a short time trying to pretend that there’s nothing. That there’s no feelings or I actually managed to convince my mind and heart that she’s not the one for me. But I will stay this way… I can only dream about my happy ending but this is real life and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Telling Taeyeon would only make this situation