Dear Youngjae,

How are you? I’m aware you might not recognize my writing since it’s been years since we last spoke to each other. I fully respect your decision and this is just me being selfish, but I am Park Jinyoung. We used to be close friends during middle school until that happened… but I’m not writing this to you to talk about the past. I’m writing this letter to you because I needed someone to talk to. I’ve gotten awfully lonely after college ended; Jaebum soon disappeared from my life, and Mark’s too busy with his own at the moment. It made me realize how closed up I must’ve been during my younger years, so I want to rekindle with you and a few others. You don’t need to reply back. I’m fine with writing letters to you.

My question still stands. How are you?

 

From a hopeful,

P. J.

+++

 

Dear Youngjae,

You kept your decision after all these years. I can’t say I’m completely happy about it; a part of me hoped for a reply. However, it means that you remember who I am now, and I’m satisfied with that. I can live with it.

Now as for today’s letter, I’m writing this to you in a park. It’s the same park we used when we were on our way to school; it hasn’t changed much. Since it’s already autumn, the leaves are growing orange as they fall onto the pavement. Couples walk past me wearing scarves around their necks, and I’m washed over by a sea of nostalgia. There had been times when you and I used to walk like that; our bodies were so close that our hands brushed each other’s. I remember vividly looking at your face as it turned red because of the cold weather. I helped you cuddle up better to your scarf and you smiled at me ever so brightly…

I remember pondering a lot on taking risks.

Then there had been times with Jaebum as well. I always laughed a bit louder around him because there was nothing to risk. We held hands down the path of orange leaves and wore matching scarves to show off to everyone how much we were in love… or, at least, I believed it. Perhaps believing wasn’t enough for him. I don’t blame him for disappearing because I once had been in his shoes as well.

Would this count as overstepping my boundaries? If so, I’m sorry.

 

From a thoughtful,

P.J.

P.S.

If you ever visit the park again, I suggest visiting the new coffee shop they opened around the corner. It’s very snug and cozy; it’s just the way you would like it.

 

+++

 

Dear Youngjae,

Today I’m writing to you from my house. It’s a bit far from the park I was writing to you the previous letter, but it’s within a close distance to my work. You might not be aware of this, but I currently work at the Kim Industry; we basically manufacture on a wide range of necessities like clothing and such. I’m the secretary though.

I suppose that’s where I might’ve received the brilliant idea to write letters instead of writing a normal email like most people might do nowadays. Where’s the fun of that though? Through an email, you can’t see if they spent a long time thinking what to write. There’s no trace of erasers if you used a pencil to write with, no ugly white out if you used a pen, no nothing. An email lacks emotion. Then again, I might sound very hater for someone that has to write emails for their boss constantly.

I’ve always enjoyed days spent like this at my house. Before I met Jaebum, I lived with Mark and his close friend, Jackson, during my college years. Many things went down when we lived together; we laughed, we fought, we cried, and we laughed some more together. We were very close with each other when I met Jaebum. Eventually Jaebum became an addition to the group, and Mark and Jackson didn’t mind it when I left with Jaebum to live with him. We lived together for so many years, and then…

Now I live alone. It was hard getting used to it, but I can definitely see the perks of it. I couldn’t have days to myself like I do now, because back then, there was no way of being alone. Even when I thought I was “alone”, I wasn’t, because in some other room, someone was there. While that was comforting in different ways, it couldn’t provide me the silence and time for myself that I desperately needed. Now that I have it, I can say for certain, that at some point, everyone should try living alone for the experience.

I’m not doing much except writing this letter as I drink a cup of coffee. It’s another cold day outside according to the news. Apparently the chances of rain are high, but the weather man is never right these days.

On a side note, on these types of days, I vaguely remember us playing in the rain when were little. It was something like that anyways. I’m not very sure now, but the thought is a happy one because it makes me smile upon thinking about it. We had a lovely childhood together.

 

From a shivering,

P.J.

 

P.S.

If you’re not doing much today, then I suggest drinking a hot chocolate as you sit back to read a book. That’s what I’m planning to do soon once I finish writing this letter. As for the book I’ll be reading, then it’s called “On Writing” by Stephen King; a colleague recommended it to me, and now I’m doing it to you even though I haven’t read it myself yet. No spoilers.

 

+++

 

Dear Youngjae,

Today I’m writing to you at work. I couldn’t wait until I got home because it’s an urgent matter (to me anyways).

Nothing should’ve happened today except that I should’ve met Mark again for the first time in a few weeks. I’ve mentioned it before, how he’s been caught up with his own life for a while now, so I was looking forward to meeting up with him again. There was so much I was waiting to talk to him about that I kept to myself (and I admit, from you as well) for these past weeks. That should’ve been the highlight of the day: meeting up with Mark. Instead, my highlight wasn’t meeting up with Mark.

My highlight of the day: I accidentally bumped into Jaebum.

I don’t know why I never imagined of accidentally bumping into him again, despite the years we spent together. It should be normal to do that, except I didn’t, and that caught me off guard.

I’m guessing that many people fantasize of what it would be like accidentally bumping into their ex at the grocery store or at some familiar place they’ve been to together. The atmosphere would be awkward between the pair of individuals, and one of them would undoubtedly try to make conversation. The conversation flows naturally as it once did, yet the damage is still there somewhere between them, more on one individual than the other. That type of situation should’ve happened between me and Jaebum, I would’ve preferred it, but it didn’t.

I stood inside the elevator, and he stood on the other side to get on the elevator. Whatever business he had here at my workplace, I don’t know and I don’t care. We stared each other down, our faces stripped of our raging emotions on the inside, until he stepped inside and stood next to me. That must’ve been the coldest time I’ve been inside the elevator with him. Jaebum did not look at me, he did not touch me, he did not talk to me, and he did not acknowledge my existence. It was only after I got off at my floor that I felt warm again.

It was only a brief moment of silence in the elevator, but it reminded me so much of that day, that it shook me. Before I knew it, I was at the bathroom splashing water at my face because tears were threatening to fall. Even after all this time, I’m reduced into nothing and I hate that Jaebum still has this type of effect on me. It makes me feel weak and pathetic. His words still penetrate my skull and resonate all around, making me shiver and nauseous because of the guilt I feel towards him.

Sometimes before I go to sleep, I wonder what it would’ve been like if I never did that to Jaebum. Would we have continued as friends instead, or would everything have been inevitable from the start? Would it have been a repeat of what happened to our friendship?

I’m sorry to both of you.

 

From an emotional,

P.J.

 

P.S.

Mark couldn’t come today. He couldn’t explain why.

 

+++

 

Dear Youngjae,

I feel better than in my previous letter. I still dream bits of the encounter and of my last conversation with Jaebum, but the crying and the vomiting have stopped. I still attended work, and I made sure to be more careful into not accidentally bumping into him again. To be honest, I don’t wanna think about another encounter with him.

It’s a lovely day outside, but I’m not in the mood to go out. I’m in my room sitting on my chair as I write this letter to you on my desk. The weather is warm through out my house, so I have a fan to help the air spread out better. It’s not helping much, considering I’m wearing a tank top and some ugly boxers, but it’s better than before. I’m considering getting up to eat a snack as soon as I finish writing this letter to you.

There’s not much of reason for today’s letter. I just wanted to let you know how I was doing. My question from my first letter remains unanswered, and I fear it’ll always stay unanswered, but I’ll ask again anyways. How are you?

 

From a sweaty,

P. J.

 

P.S.

Mark finally sent me a text after ditching me. Apparently, one of his old relatives was sent to the hospital because they had a heart attack. Mark’s relative is still alive thanks to the help of the doctors, and Mark asked me if I wanted to meet up again. Frankly, I wanted to say no, but I said yes anyways. We’re going to meet up next week, so hopefully, nothing happens this time.

 

+++

 

Dear Youngjae,

It seems to me as if it’s one of those nights where my past has come to taunt me again. I’m writing to you in the middle of night because sleep has not been my friend for these couple of days. I didn’t lie to you in my previous letter; I indeed thought that I felt better already, but I’ve been proven wrong.

Do you remember those nights when I couldn’t sleep? I remember going down the stairs to use the telephone against my parents permission, because of the curfew I had back then, and I called your house. You never answered the calls. It was always your mother who answered first, so I had to ask her whether you were sleeping already or not. She never got to answer, because once you knew that it was me on the other side of the telephone, you answered the question. We always strayed away from the main topics, but somehow, you always knew something was wrong.

I remember opening up the front door and asking you why you were there, even though I already knew. You took my hand and went up the stairs, ignoring my weak attempts at trying to break from your hold. The truth was I never wanted to break away from it, but I was too young to understand the full meaning of what my wish meant. We entered my room and you let me go in favor of getting inside my bed. Seconds later, I got in my bed as well and watched as you closed your eyes and went back to sleep. I’ll never forget the comfort of your presence during those nights.

There’s no such thing now. The closest thing to a comfort at the moment is my bed sheets, and it’s only because the night is cold and they’re providing me the needed warmth. I’m writing this to you from my bed, so please forgive the sloppy handwriting, but I couldn’t bear to leave the bed. I feel like a kid clinging onto their toy when their mother is trying to take it away from them.

The silence is deafening to my ears. In one of my previous letters, I wrote that the silence and time I had now brought me happiness. It appears I’m full of contradictions because I want to take back every word I wrote in that letter. Everything’s fake, nothing’s right, I’m not okay, and those words I wrote were filled with lies. If I truly appreciated the silence and time that living alone brought with, I wouldn’t be writing to you like some helpless fool clinging to dreams that’ll never come true.

Do you also remember when I couldn’t calm down? You’d wipe the tears from my face and you’d tell me everything is fine. You’d try to smile everything away, but I could see right through you. There were times when you’ve told me lies, but I forgave you each and every time it happened. You were lying for my sake, and to my eyes, it seemed as if you were trying to convince yourself of it as well. I wanted to be of use to you if it meant making you feel better with a lie.

The times when I was with Jaebum, he didn’t do much to make me feel better. Jaebum’s never been much a talker; his actions speak more than his words ever will. When I couldn’t calm down, he’d put his arm around me and let me rest my head on his shoulder for as long as I needed. It didn’t work nearly as well as your lies did, but Jaebum always tried his best and that’s what made me feel better…

It isn’t midnight anymore. The clock’s indicating me that it’s 1 in the morning, but sleep still hasn’t paid me a visit yet. Perhaps it won’t pay me a visit at all today. On the other hand, my past continues to pay a visit, and I can’t say I’m a fan of it.

I’m getting sick of it. Literally.

 

From a vomiting,

P. J.

 

P. S.

The moon is glowing today. Are you gazing at the same moon as I am? My moon is mysterious and bright with grey clouds looming over the corners. It reminds me of a scene of a movie, but I’m not sure of which one.

 

+++

 

Dear Youngjae,

I’m sorry you received such a disgraceful letter from me. I never meant to send you that letter, but I couldn’t help myself at the time. Before I knew it, I was mindlessly walking out of my house in my pajamas to drop off the letter at the mailing agency. I was more surprised to see the mailing agency open at 4 in the morning.

I wasn’t really in a stable state of mind… but I suppose that does not make up for it. All this time, I’ve been nothing but delusional thinking that you might’ve been reading my letters, but who am I kidding? I’m writing letters to someone that doesn’t care about me anymore.

If we could pretend the previous letter didn’t happen, then that would be great.

 

From a regretful,

P. J.

 

+++

 

Dear Youngjae,

I’m writing today’s letter at the coffee shop I told you about a while back, and I was right. It’s just the way you would like it. The interior design is a bit main-stream with the vintage paintings and wooden floors, but it’s small and cute. The choice of music is pleasing to the ears as well; I believe the song that’s currently playing is called Get Lucky by Daft Punk, a song that’s been in for a while now. They’re currently recruiting part timers, and I would’ve gladly taken up on the job if I had time. Coffee is a beverage I enjoy making the most.

The reason why I’m here was because of several reasons. The main reason is that today I would be meeting Mark in a bit. I’m earlier than we agreed on because my boss was kind enough to let me leave work early today. I’m a bit suspicious that something’s up since he’s not the type to let me leave early so easily, but I’m not complaining. In fact, I’m enjoying this free time a little too much, that it makes me wonder why I even picked that job in the first place. I’m guessing it was the pay that made me attracted to the offer I received from the industry.

As the coffee shop starts to empty out of its current customers, I remain at my table waiting for Mark. I feel nervous for some unexplainable reason. Last time when I was about to meet up with Mark, I was nothing but excited to meet him again. There was so much I wanted to share with him, so much we needed to catch up on, that I didn’t even get a proper sleep the night before. The disappointment that I felt when I read his text message indicating that we wouldn’t be able to meet up was bigger than I thought it would be. Since then, I’ve lowered down my expectations. I don’t want Mark’s image to be tainted by my selfishness.

Mark’s arrived. He’s looking for me, and the smile he has on his face is undeniable. I feel so happy to see him in person, but wait a second… Jackson’s here as well.

I’m back.

I find it comical that it looks like time hasn’t passed since the last sentence I wrote when Jackson appeared. Time has passed. It’s been three hours since I met up with them at the coffee shop, and I feel so exhausted thinking about it again.

When Mark asked me to meet up with him again, I was expecting him only. Don’t get me wrong; I love Jackson as a brother as well. However, there were things that I wanted to address with Mark only and with Jackson’s presence around, I couldn’t address said topics. To top it off, Mark’s getting hitched with someone. Apparently he’s been dating this guy for a while now, and the only reason he didn’t introduce me was because it was during that time.

(Jackson knew from the beginning.)

He also wants me to meet him. Mark was trying to set up a date, but I somehow managed to postpone meeting his boyfriend by saying that it depended on my job. He knows as well as I do that my work can get hectic at times. During those times, I hardly have time for anything else besides getting work done.

I’m overjoyed for Mark. He deserves so much happiness, but I’m torn over my own selfish wishes. Am I being ridiculous or do I have a valid reason to be like this? It’s at times like this that I wished you replied back.

 

From a conflicted,

P. J.

 

P. S.

Song recommendation of the day: Talk Me Down by Troye Sivan.

 

+++

 

Dear Youngjae,

My mind is blank today, but not because something has happened, but because I’m not in the mood to think. I started this letter with nothing in mind, and I can already see this as the shortest letter I’ve written to you yet. Forgive me for my laziness, but I wanted to write to you no matter what.

 

From a lazy,

P. J.

 

P. S.

Do you remember when we used to lie down next to each other in your room when it got too hot? The floor was always colder in your house for some reason, and we were attracted to it. I remember your mother laughing at us when she found us on the floor.

 

+++

 

Dear Youngjae,

Do you remember the first few days of high school? I was beginning to develop my self awareness of everything around me, including around you. I was suddenly taller than you, by just a few centimeters, but those few made me feel empowered almost. They didn’t make me feel empowered completely since my voice only began to change later on as well. It was something at the time.

You were shorter than me, and I enjoyed being able to look down at you. I ruffled your hair all the time as a result of how much I liked it. You looked up to me all the time when you had something to say, and the smile on my face was so painfully obvious. It wouldn’t have been a surprise if people around me noticed what I was trying to suppress for a while now, even you. Though for someone that always knew what was going through my head at any time of the day, you never noticed. I was conflicted of it at the time.

I remember pondering a lot on taking risks.

Eventually, I leaped for it. I stretched out my hand towards the source that carried all of my dreams and wishes, and I believed until the end. I believed that everything would work out somehow, that happy endings aren’t something that only happens in Disney movies. I believed… and I crashed hard onto the pavement.

Now, when I try to stretch out my hand again, I retract it back because I already know the result.

 

From an innocent,

P. J.

 

P.S.

I’m not respecting the boundaries you’ve set up, am I?

 

+++

 

Dear Youngjae,

There’s a rumor going on at my workplace that the boss is thinking of hiring someone to be the new president of the Industry. I’m not as interested in it as some of my colleagues are; they keep whispering about how it’s the boss’s son, but I can’t but wonder if it’s somehow Jaebum. That would explain why he was visiting my workplace the other day; he would’ve been checking out his new office and getting to know his new vice president. Then again, I might be overly paranoid.

Today I’m writing from my workplace again. I’m taking a break from writing emails and setting up meetings with my boss.

It’s not ideal if I’m to be honest. It’s not silent as it is at my house and I’m nowhere near comfortable in my current clothing. Since its work, I’m left with no other option than to wear button up shirts with slacks and the most formal shoes I can find. Today’s not any different; I’m currently wearing a white button shirt with some black slacks that accentuate my behind, and of course, with the same formal shoes that I always use.

If I was back at home, I wouldn’t be using stuffy button shirts. I would’ve either used one of my old t-shirts or nothing at all as a shirt; it’s hot today. As for pants, then I would’ve simply taken off my slacks and left on my boxers. There’s no need for an explanation for that, I believe.

However, I suppose that it’s better than nothing. There’s always air conditioning and an unlimited source of snacks during the work hours, and the desk here is much nicer than mine back at home. My station isn’t next to someone else’s cubicle, so I have a bit more of privacy than the others. It’s true that I have to keep my guard up when I’m working so that nobody catches me off the clock, but it’s never happened before either. And to top it off, the coffee machine is within a distance so I get to have my daily doses of coffee.

(Yes, I’m drinking one right now.)

Listing down the perks of having to write my letter here makes me realize that I’m well off with my current job. I wonder what your job is like. Did you ever get to sing on a stage as you always said you would?

 

From a curious,

P. J.

 

P. S.

This actually reminds me of the time when you entered the choir club. You were so worried about making new friends since you claimed to be “awkward”, but you signed up for it anyways. I remember the look on your face as you said that it was the best decision you’ve ever made; your eyes were sparkling with excitement as you wore the biggest smile ever. It was as if someone had told you that you’ve won the lottery. I was proud that you had made friends during your first visit…

 

+++

 

Dear Youngjae,

It turns out that it wasn’t Jaebum the one who got the job. Thank the Lord. Instead, the one who took over the job is the previous president’s son, Kim Yugyeom. It makes much more sense that he would get the job.

I feel conflicted about having a kid as my new boss. Yugyeom literally looks younger than everyone that’s working here; I’d say he’s in his early twenties. I can also tell he’s used to the atmosphere by the way he maintained eye contact with everyone in the room. Yugyeom must’ve been taught in this type of environment since he was young. There won’t be any problems around that area, and I’m glad about it.  

On the other hand, not much has happened today. I’m taking a break from my colleagues because their loud whispers over how handsome the new boss is was getting annoying. I won’t deny that Yugyeom’s very handsome, but he’s not my cup of tea.

I wish I could write some more about everything around me, but I’m afraid I’ll have to make this letter short. I don’t wanna test my new boss’s temper and find out what happens.

 

From a slightly irritated,

P.J.

 

P.S.

I’m not sure whether I should concern myself with this or not, but he looked flustered when our eyes met.

 

+++

 

Dear Youngjae,

I’m sorry if I’ve been slow with my letters. Ever since Yugyeom became the new boss, it’s been very hectic around work; in fact, it’s been days since I last slept at my house. The last time I was there, I was making a small bag with clothes I needed and a few other necessities as well. My colleagues also had to make a trip of their own, and now it’s like a big co-ed sleepover, like the ones Jackson liked doing sometimes.

Even though it was mess with the stacks of papers and what not everyone had, we managed to have our own space by nighttime. Everyone slept at their own cubicle with a bed sheet they had brought over from their house, some at the guest couch in one of our many offices, and I slept at my own desk. The pain I feel for sleeping many nights on my desk is constant; not once have I gone through out the day without being reminded of it. My back neck hurts whenever I turn my head around and look up at the ceiling. Even now as I look down at the letter I’m writing, my back is straight because slouching makes the pain worse. My body is stiff and I wish there was a bed around that I could use to make it go away. I should consider taking Tylenol.

However, I can’t deny that I’m enjoying the load of work. It gives me a chance to free my mind from the thoughts of a past that can’t be changed, now or ever. Since there’s a crowd of people, I can’t simply wake up in the middle of night like I did in one of my previous letters. I don’t want anyone to worry about me (or to label me as insane when they find me crying to myself).

And besides, doing all of this work makes me feel accomplished because it’s something that I was able to do with my own strength and not anyone else’s. It’s an addictive feeling knowing that you were of use to a production much bigger, and I can’t get enough of it. I love my job.

I just received a text message from Mark. It looks like I’ll be meeting the love of his life the day after tomorrow during lunch. Hopefully everything will settle down at work and I’m able to leave for lunch without much of a problem.

I’m afraid I’m going to stop the letter here for today. Yugyeom’s loitering around the cubicles, making sure that no one’s slacking off like I’m doing right now. He’s gradually getting closer to my station, and I don’t want him to read over my letter to you. Nobody knows I’m writing to you like this.

 

From a tired,

P. J.

 

+++

 

Dear Youngjae,

“Don’t you get it?”

“Get what?”

“Jinyoung, I love you. I believed until the end that maybe I had the chance to change your mind. I thought that maybe my love was enough for both of us, for this relationship to not fall apart, but I was wrong.”

“Sweetie, what are you talking about? Let’s calm down and talk about this…”

“No! I won’t calm down because I’ve been living in an illusion for five years! You never loved me!”

“We’ve talked about this before─,”

“You still love him.”

“No, I don’t, and that’s final. You’re the one that I love now.”

“Just face it. You’re lying to yourself and to me, and I can’t take it anymore. Years, Jinyoung, years. What do you take me for as? An idiot? I know you better than you know yourself at this point…”

“You can’t be serious, Jaebum.”

“Oh, but I am. I’ve been serious with you all this time, but you’ve treated me like some play date, and I’m done feeling like one.”

“Please, Jaebum…”

“I hope we never see each other again. This is goodbye.”

 

From a disturbed,

P. J.

 

+++

 

Dear Youngjae,

I can’t believe there would be a day when I came to understand Jaebum’s words. I’m so overwhelmed by the state of my feelings that I can’t really properly think at the moment. I’m different shades of embarrassment, of anger, and of hurt because the scene displayed before me just a few moments ago was one of a novel.

In case you’ve forgotten, just a few moments ago, I was heading out to lunch to meet up with Mark and his “beloved”. Coincidentally, it was also at the coffee shop I had met up with him and Jackson a while back. I didn’t think much of it. I had thought that maybe Mark really enjoyed the coffee and food they served there as much as I did. I’ll also admit that my mood on my way to the coffee shop wasn’t exactly at its best because of how lousy sleep had been with me last night. After finally leaving the building, all of the exhaustion dawned upon my shoulders, so it was inevitable that I entered the coffee shop with my back slouched.

My mood significantly got better when I saw Mark. I saw that familiar piece of blonde ash hair turning around toward the door with a smile as he waved at me. Mark got up from his seat, and that was when my heart dropped onto the ground because it couldn’t be. After all these years, I thought that we had lost connection with each other until I started writing these stupid letters to you again.

It was you, Choi Youngjae, in the flesh.

My first instinct was to stare in awe because it had been so many years since we’ve last seen each other. I had always been aware that my heart ached for you ever since I last saw you; the desire to run up to you and hug you was strong. It was so strong that I almost went and did it in front of everyone, until reality slapped my face (just in time). You weren’t here because of me. You were here because of another reason. You were here because of Mark, because he’s you’re fiancé.

My second instinct was to laugh at the irony because do you remember that day? We were both at the school rooftop as usual. We liked having our lunch there since it was one of the most private and secluded places in school. We were laughing, we always were at some point, and I couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen if I said it. I remember looking at your smile and thinking that I could go on forever looking at it if I had the chance. The chance was right before me. No one else was stopping me from doing what I wanted except from me, so I decided that it, it’s worth a chance.

This is my favorite part. I leaped for it. I stretched out my hand towards you, you who carried all of my dreams and wishes, and I believed until the end. I believed that everything would work out somehow, that happy endings aren’t something that only happens in Disney movies. I believed… You, who had my heart on the palm of your hand, crushed it without giving two s about it.

Do you remember the words you said? Because I do.

“Piss off, man. I don’t do .” Then, after I tried to stop you from leaving, you slapped away my arm disgusted. “Don’t touch me! I don’t ever want to hear from you again!”

Finally, my last instinct was to punch both of your faces. Your face because you once expressed a strong distaste for same gender, and yet, here you are now, engaged to a guy. Let me specify this just in case: a guy that has a , that doesn’t have s or a , but with a , just like I do. Are you ing kidding me?

Are you ing kidding me? Do you expect me to accept that bull so easily, or do you seriously take me for an idiot? Please fill me because I’d love to know whether you’re serious or not.

As for the reason why I feel the need to punch Mark's face is beyond me. I'm so angry with myself for wanting to direct my anger at him, but I can't help it. I feel so betrayed right now because I thought that we were friends. It's so ing childish of me to be like this, but all I'm seeing is red. Logic is out of my reach.   

I ran out of the coffee shop as I went back home. I’m briefly aware that I bumped into Yugyeom, he must’ve seen my tears, but I can’t bring myself to care. Your calls after me were ignored, and Mark’s calls were blocked out. That’s why I’m here, writing this letter to you, to let everything unsaid be said once and for all.   

After you oh-so-kindly rejected me, I tried getting myself out there. Mark, ing Mark, and Jackson were witnesses of what a ing mess I was because of you. At one point, I was so desperate that I went to parties held by people at the college I attended to and didn’t even talk to. I got myself so drunk that I woke up with a headache the next morning, hoping that I wouldn’t wake up to that nightmare again. I tried so many things that you wouldn’t even believe them because of how stupid my logic was. I tried to forget you by going on all of these ridiculous dates, meeting people that I have no recollection of ever meeting, hooking up with random guys on Tinder, and by dating Jaebum. Let me say, he’s probably the closest one I’ve ever gotten to love besides you, but obviously, Jaebum had different thoughts. I tried so hard to move on and yet…

How is it that I’m so stupidly in love with you even after everything’s that’s happened? Even when you’ve treated me like for something that’s completely irrelevant to your life, I’m still in love with you. Even when I’m not sure you’re the same person that I once knew or not, I’m still so in love with you.

I hate it. I hate myself. I hate this. I hate that the walls I had been diligently working on for these past years were nothing against you. I hate feeling vulnerable and weak, especially because of someone like you. Jaebum probably hates my guts for me using him as a tool to move on, but he was wrong about one thing.

You’re worse than I was with him, and nothing that anyone can say will make me change my mind. Now, I’ll return the same words you last said to me on that day: I don’t ever want to hear from you again.

I’ll add these words as well: I don’t ever want to see you again.

Piss off.

 

P.J.

 

P.S.

I can’t believe I believed that it was my fault for confessing my feelings to you.

 

 

+++

 

Dear Park Jinyoung,

The truth was I’ve been diligently reading the letters you’ve sent me. I never answered because Mark never knew of my connection with you and what went down between us. I realize now that it was mistake to not to do so.

Words can’t explain the guilt I feel towards you. Because of foolish words I once said, I’ve made it impossible for you to live. I wish I could go back and change what’s been done, tell myself to be kinder with words and with others, because maybe that way, we’d still be friends. There’s nothing more that I want than to make up with you, and make up for the time that’s been lost. I want to help you become someone that you look at the mirror and know that’s everything’s going to be okay.

I’m well aware that you must be angry at Mark, but don’t be. He didn’t do anything wrong, and neither did any of us. The words I said to you were true at that point; I couldn’t imagine or understand why anyone would want to date someone of their own gender. It continued to be like that for many years until I met Mark, and everything I knew was turned upside down. I thought that I must’ve been out of it for finding him attractive, for asking him on a date, for holding his hand, for not feeling grossed out… and the thing is it was only around Mark that I felt that way. I still didn’t find other men attractive, so I wondered what it meant. After researching more on the topic with Mark, I don’t identify myself as gay or bi, but as panual, leaning more towards the opposite gender than of the same gender.

(In case you don’t know what panual is it’s when you look beyond the gender of the person, and love them for who they are. A more “professional” definition according to the site Wikipedia is that pan-uality is a ual attraction, romantic love, or emotional attraction toward people of any or gender identity.)

I’m not bringing this up as a way of saying that it could’ve been you, because to me, there’s no else. I’m bringing this up as a way to clear up any misunderstandings you might have in the future with me or Mark. I love him, and I want you to understand that as well. I’m sure Mark wants that too.

And to answer your question at long last, I’m doing well. I’m not a singer as I used to say I would be in the future, but I often take the stage at a friend’s club. I’ve decided to purse the food business since I love to cook food for others as much as I love to sing for myself and occasionally, a stage as well. I’m planning on opening a shop soon, so I’ll send you a letter when the time comes. To me, it seems as if Yugyeom has an office crush on you… and yes, I remember everything you’ve mentioned in your letters; from beginning to end, all of the details included. 

 

From an old friend,

Choi Youngjae

 

+++

 

Dear Youngjae,

I’ve decided that it’s for the best I move somewhere else and start anew. My current house carries too many memories I’m not at peace with, and I hope that I’m able to on my time out. Don’t misunderstand; I’ll eventually return. After all, I have people waiting for my return besides you. For now…

Talk to you later.

 

From a determined,

Park Jinyoung

 

 

The end.