Darkness
DarknessI lashed out at you.
I felt so giddy. You were yapping at me and I’ve had enough. I was calm at first, but there you go again, so I shout back at you. It’s the first time I have spoken out my true thoughts, and I feel myself standing on my own two feet and I’m so giddy, so exhilarated, so…so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I love you and we both know that, but I thought it was time for me to love me too. Now I regret it. I’m terribly sorry, Junho. Sorry.
I know you mean well, you always do. But sometimes, being harsh is not what’s needed to make a person strong. You tell me not to be too sensitive to words. But they hurt, Junho. Sometimes, cruel words punch harder than fists. I’m not strong the way you are. You can stand up like a mountain against your opponents; I can only curl up to defend myself. We are different. I’m sorry. Please understand.
I exploded, I know. It was wrong of me and I admit that. But I’ve always kept quiet, kept everything in all these years. To you my few mistakes far outweigh all the good things I’ve done. It’s not fair. And after a while I started to blame myself too for every wrong situation that happens. Your life wouldn’t be like this if it weren’t for me.
The darkness is around me once more. I’ve fought against it before, and I won. But tonight it’s back—swirling around me, haunting me. Provoking me. Pulling me towards it. I want to go to it, but your voice resonates in my head, telling me to push myself out of this. It’s the light out of this tunnel. Find me. Help me. Grab my hand. Wait for me…
I hear another voice. A voice cloaked in this sweet darkness. Saying things I don’t want to hear. Saying that I’m not good enough. Cursing me, that I’ll never get anywhere.
It’s yours. Your voice.
Voices are everywhere. There’s a voice inside my head. Wooyoung don’t give in.
There’s a voice inside my head. You are nothing.
There’s a voice inside my head.
It’s messing with my senses, with my mind. I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I shout at you, because it was telling me to burst even more. I don’t want to go there. Don’t want to hurt you. I shout at you. I run and lock our bedroom door.
The crimson red is beautiful. So beautiful against its creamy white canvas, hypnotizing me. It stings deliciously. I welcome the pain, because it takes me away from the one within me. The pain in my heart caused by you. If only it weren’t you, it would’ve been a bit bearable. But it’s you. You’re the only one who can hurt my heart.
I stop thrashing, turn and embrace the voices. Embrace the darkness.
Oh god.
One day I might get up again. Or not. I don’t know, Junho. I don’t know.
But right now into this abyss I’m falling…
I’m falling…
Falling…
.
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