But that’s Okay

I stared at the ceiling above me and sighed. Wow. I never felt so free. I think I forgot how I love waking up in the morning and looking forward for the day instead of dreading it. I love it.

I fixed myself before going down to join my parents for breakfast.

I greeted them with jolliest good morning but they just looked at me as if I’ve gotten weird. I know I did something hard to imagine but I’d rather be look at like this and hear comments from other people than live my life as if I wanted to die. Because that’s probably what I’ve wanted to for the past days.

When I sat across my dad, he looked at me as if I’m worth of his pity. “You know what honey,” he even reached for my hand, “what you did was impulsive but we understand.” I gave him a fake smile because if he truly understood, he wouldn’t have looked at me that way. I even felt mom kissed the top of my head. “We definitely do.” They definitely don’t but I didn’t even bother correcting them.

I finished my food and went straight to my room so I can arrange what I’m going to wear for today. I missed this. I used to do this but I got so busy in school that I can’t even think about what I should wear. All I could think of was: I must pass my classes. And truthfully, it was hard living that way.

After taking a bath and dressing up, thankfully my dad was just about to leave. “Can you drop me off to Han River?”

“What are you going to do there?”

“I’m going to take a walk. The sun is nice so…”

He just stared at me for a while before saying: “Okay. Come on.”

***

“Do you have money?”

“I still have some left from my allowance.”

“Okay. Just call me or mommy if you need anything, alright?”

“Okay, dad. Take care!” and off he go.

I sat on the grass not far from where my dad dropped me off. It’s really beautiful here.

It takes a lot effort to go through in college. It takes a lot of effort to live for a day and to keep on living for more. It takes a lot of effort to please your classmates, your ing professors and most especially yourself. And a lot of people will disagree with me but the best thing I did in my whole life is to take a rest from college.

I dropped my subjects and filed a leave of absence for a whole year. Why? Simple. I really can’t do it anymore. I just feel like exploding. I feel like the world is trying to eat me up. I feel like I’m being trapped in something I don’t really like.

Sure, school just started… but the moment stressed kicked you in the gut, the moment anxiety decided to stay with you all day long, the moment all the ugly thoughts start penetrating your mind and crawl down to your skin, you will have no choice but to break down. You will have no choice but to question your life. Sure, some people managed to live. Some people decided to go on. Some people stayed and fought. Some people continued living. But I’m not them.

Everyone can call me weak. They can call me a ing loser who lost to herself. They can pity me all they want and say things they don’t really know… but for me, the best thing is to quit. Not everyone is strong enough to keep on going. So I did what I had to do.

Quit.

I felt suffocated. I felt strange and maybe it’s the world’s way of testing me but just like the exams that you take in school, you can’t pass everything. And I didn’t. I failed so I quitted. But after quitting, I’ve never felt so right. I’ve never felt so happy doing the wrong thing. After all, in my case, the wrong thing is the right thing.

It’s like that famous line: so wrong but feels so right. I hope everyone who are feeling the same way as I did won’t force themselves. Sometimes forcing yourself into something will bring you no good. It won’t make you better. Sometimes you need a break. Truth be told, we should always allow ourselves breath because being trapped will kill us slowly.

It’s my last year in college. In Boston University. And a candidate for some Latin Honors. So everyone was really surprised when I told them that I’m going to take a break. A long and meaningful one. I do have regrets, sure, but that’s okay. I’d rather regret over something like that than regret later because my life has been taken away from me.

What most people don’t realize is that allowing yourself to be happy, really happy, is the most important thing of all.

If you don’t like what you’re doing, quit. If you don’t like what’s happening, quit. Unless you know that you can still do it. That you can survive. But if you are fully aware that you can’t, just allow yourself to fall and rest. Nothing is wrong with wanting something you know you need. And most importantly, nothing is wrong with allowing yourself to have it.

“Ouch!” and a man fell flat in his face as he tried to catch his little dog. The dog went to my direction so I tried catching it before it can go away.

“You okay?” I asked him as I carry his dog. He wiped his nose with his hands. “Here,” so I offered him my hankie, “Use it.”

“It is fine.” I’m not sure if he realized that we’re conversing in English. But the moment that he did, he looked at me with wide eyes. “Uh, I didn’t realize…”

“Me too.” I handed him over his dog.

“Coco,” he stared at his dog like he’s giving her the glare that our parents give us when we did something wrong, “Don’t do it again,” he patted the dog’s tiny head before looking at me again, “Sorry for the bother.”

“It’s all cool.” I replied. And I just realized that I’m smiling because my cheeks hurt.

I sat down again and encouraged him to do the same. “You’re not from here?” he asked.

“Yea,” I chuckled, “I’m from my Canada but my parents decided to move here.”

“Do you study here in Seoul?”

“No,” but maybe I should, “I’m from Boston University but I took a leave of absence.”

“Ah,”

“How about you?”

“Oh, it’s the same.”

“You’re from Boston University?”

“No,” he chuckled and weirdly enough he sounds like he’s giggling, “I’m an exchange student but I decided to take a break. You know—”

“Let me guess, too much stress?”

“Yeah…”

“I took a break for the same reason.”

“Glad I’m not the only one,” he said, “I’m glad someone can understand.”

I stared at his face for a long time. Good thing he’s not paying attention to me. He’s busy petting his tiny dog. “Me too,” I finally said. “Me too.” Then I looked away.

“What’s your name?” my head turned to him, abruptly, surprised because he asked. “My name’s Mark.”

“I’m Wendy.”

“Nice to meet you, Wendy.” He said with a bright smile plastered in his face.

“Nice to meet you, too, Mark.”

When I got home, I logged in immediately to my poetsandyou.org and posted a new poem:

Some days you feel

Bad but some days

You feel a lot

Better especially when

Someone finally

Understand how

Are you feeling.

It’s like embracing

A world

You never thought

You will ever have.

It’s like someone

Finally gets why

You have tears

In your fluffy,

White pillow.

Posted by: PeterAndWendyxo 0815XX post #5 9:59AM

Later that day, my phone finally beeped.

Your pains will

Soon evaporate

With your tears.

I won’t force you

To smile but

I know that

You look really

Pretty when

You do.

So next time

We bump

Into each other,

I hope that

Smile is still

With you.

Because no one

Is allowed

to experience

The pain

For so long.

comment by: colormarks93 0815XX at post #5 6:07PM

My heart started beating so fast and I feel my head spinning. This person has been replying to my post with his (?) her (?) own poems for three months straight. I don’t know if this person’s a he or a she… but now I think I do. Mark. Why didn’t I think of that? What are the odds, right?

How did you know it was me? I replied to his comment.

When you opened your phone, I saw the poetsandyou app. I’ve checked your profile before and I realized, based from your story, that it was you.  For real, though.

Why are you looking at my phone, then?

I didn’t mean to.

It’s totally fine, Mark. Don’t worry. And thank you. He didn’t reply after that but when I go to bed that night, I can’t stop smiling.

xxx

Breath.