I could never find the words I wanted to say. Normally all I could do was spill useless nothings, but when it really mattered, I could never find the words. Listening to Hoseok mourn another bad break up, all I could do was say the cliché lines that had been jammed down societies throat. What I really wanted to say was that I could be all he needed. That I could be the shoulder he cries on, the one he runs to when his mortality was threatened. It didn’t matter that he used me for my mind, at least I was proven useful.

Gripping the phone tightly, I couldn’t say what I desperately needed to. When Hoseok was here, when I had my chance, I wanted to hold his hand so tight. I wanted to be his everything. But I never stood a chance. So I play along as the best friend while I barely hang on. This just isn’t fair. I wanted him so desperately, but I could never find the words.

Listening to Hoseok open up was something miraculous. But I wanted him to say my name, to say it like a prayer, not Areum’s.

For the past couple weeks, Hoseok had reached out to me. At first I thought he was coming back, but I was sadly mistaken. I thought I would finally have a friend after they all left me, but I was wrong. Despite the fact I was losing my grip, I couldn’t admit weakness to Hoseok. Not after everything he had been through. So I kept it all to myself, trying to find the words to tell him the truth.

No matter how much I wanted to tell Hoseok about my true feelings, I couldn’t. My heart was already mangled, not worth handing out. Even though it was ruined, it was all I had. So I couldn’t tell him how much I missed him, how much I loved him. I shouldn’t love him.

“This won’t work anymore.” I mumbled through the receiver, cutting Hoseok off mid-sentence.

“What?” He questioned, heart break evident in his tone.

I don’t even have the right to be near him anymore. Sometimes I just wished Hoseok would give me a reason not to love him because I cannot afford to give my heart out. Hoseok deserves someone who can give him something. I have nothing to offer.

“You need to cut all ties to this city. This place…it is holding you back.” I told him, holding in my own pain.

I’m holding in my own misery. It hurts, but even tears are a luxury I don’t deserve. I am a bad guy that only has his heart. Hoseok needs to forget about this city, he needs to forget about everything that changed him here. He deserved so much more than this town gave him. As much as I want him to come back, I don’t have the right. I don’t even dare hope. Pushing him away is the best thing I can do.

“What are you saying Taehyung?” Hoseok demanded, his voice rising.

“You deserve better than anything Busan has ever given you. Find someone else, someone who doesn’t know you’re from here.”

Because I love him more than anything else in this world, I hold it in. Because I love him so much, I want him to find someone who can give him more than tears. I can’t even say, ‘Lets be together’. As much as I want to have him by my side, I can’t risk myself the pain. Though I try to resist, I still want Hoseok. I want him to come back, to fuel my possessive behaviour. Hoseok cannot know I am a fool who fell for him.

“Taehyung, that isn’t true.”

Our lives don’t collide. Hoseok was better off without me. He only reached out to me because Areum left him. And for weeks, I didn’t give a . Someone was finally talking to me. But this was suffocating me. The lies, the pretending to be there for Hoseok when I really wanted him to be here for me. I just wanted to breathe. I just want to breathe. I hate this, I hate breaking off something that never was.

“You need to move on. You can do so much better. This town is holding you, no, I am holding you back.”

Harshly counting my fingers only to find ten, I knew this wasn’t a nightmare. Even though I knew this wasn’t a dream, I desperately wanted to wake up. Trapped inside of myself, I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I want friendship, I want someone to trust me when no one else does.

I want to be Hoseok’s.

“No, that isn’t true.” Hoseok whispered through the phone, lying to the both of us.

There is no need for Hoseok to drag himself back to this town. I don’t want him to see the wreck I have become. Stupidly enough, although I was meant to be saving Hoseok, I need him to save me because I can’t get a grip on myself. He was poison to me. Could he not hear how he was tearing me apart? I know what I am doing now is cruel, forcing him to cut all ties but I have to get away from him. Everything about him was pulling apart my seams but I couldn’t even give him my pathetic heart. Hoseok deserves more than my shallow love.

“It is Hoseok. You need to move on. You outgrew Busan years ago.”

As much as this was killing me, I needed Hoseok to find happiness. My jealousy cannot hold him back. Hoseok will never love me back, which is for the best. I could never say what I want to. The pressure builds each times he calls, the pressure to confess what I keep buried deep. I could never help him move on when I was clinging on him to stay.

I need him, and he clearly doesn’t need me. People will trip over themselves to be with Hoseok, yet he couldn’t find a replacement for Areum and it was most likely my fault. I was holding him back all because I couldn’t tear myself away from him.

So I hung up on him. Hoseok couldn’t hear me cry. Any longer on the phone and I would have been begging for him to come back. I couldn’t do that to him. The only thing this town could give him was pain and the truth. The truth that I wasn’t the same boy he left behind. As much as I wanted Hoseok to come back, I couldn’t further waste his life. I have no right to. Society will just tell me that moving on is easy, but moving on is one of the most difficult things to do.

I didn’t want Hoseok to know that my hands are shaking, that my tears are falling and all because I cannot let him go. I don’t know how to be something he will miss, something he will want for the rest of his life. Most of all, I just wished I didn’t care so much. Hoseok can never know how much he means to me, how his name still plays through my head like a song on repeat. He can never know how desperately I have missed him ever since he left. I don’t have the right.