Did you ever fall for someone?
Did someone ever love you?
Did you love each other? 
How did it feel?
Its a mystery to me.

I think I felt it. The feeling of falling for someone. To love someone. I would give him everything to see his smile. I want him to look at me. That I'm the center of his world and he is mine. That we could both make each other happy forever.

Is that love?

Like in the stupid fairytales I always hated. The happy ending I'll never get.

But still I can dream right?
Thats the only thing left for me. Dream creating my own world we're I'm not to broken to be happy.

I asked myself a lot whats wrong with me. 
There were people that loved me. At least they said it.
We dated... I said I loved them. But it was all a lie. I hated, their face, their voice, their touch, the attention I'm craving so much now. 
I didn't want it back then why do I need it so much from him.

I hate it

I never saw his face, never heared his voice, never felt his touch and never got his attention the way I wanted it.

Is that the reason I fell like this for him

Because he doesnt care for me

Is that how love really works?

So I will lose all those feelings as far as he returns them?

That probably sounds like he is the biggest in the world doesn't it?

Hes not like that not at all. He is so caring and nice to everyone.

Thats why even when he says he likes me, I make him happy, he loves me too. I cant belive it.... Maybe I should start from the beginning before I confuse you even more right?

It all started with the idea of my friend to make a group chat between a few fans of a show we both liked. She asked around and soon a group of 15 people were found. At the start it was really awkard. Everyone introduced themself. So much of them lived in diffrent timezones. Some were sleeping as we introduces each other because of that. Than we started talking about the show it was a lot of fun. I really was happy finding friends that easily. I dont know how they made me open up to them anyway. It felt so good to talk to them. Soon we didnt only talk about the show anymore, but about our real lifes, our problems. I dont know when I started falling for him.

We got pretty close from the start we we're always talking with each other but only about the show. I was so insecure about every word I said.

Did I already fell there?

I was happy how it was, we even said "I love you"s to each other but it was always just in a friend way.

Is he still saying it only in a friend way?

I was happy the way it was smiling everytime like an idiot as a new text of him arrived... Even when he only sended it to the group. We never talked privatly.

Maybe i should have texted him....

But of course it didnt stay like that forever. Despite my normaly shy and quiet personality. My friend was completly diffrent outgoing... Flirty.... I told her I liked him

I shouldnt have done that

Thats when he caught her attention. Everytime I was close to someone she came and took them away from me. Well not only her I always were a second choice. I never cared, but this time I did. She easily got close to him making him open up.

I love him why didnt he open up to me!

Why did he only take it as a joke?

I meant every word I said to him... But he says the same to her....

Why am I so jealous

Why am I so possesiv

Thats all I could do, ask myself whats wrong with me. I never tell him he should stop being flirty like that... I would be annoying. Why did he seemed so happy with her but not with me....

Why cant I just tell him how I really feel

A lot of them got depressed I was always the one cheering them up told them what to do to get happy. I'm sure it works. Still I never follow my own words.

"Its okay to be sad"

"Dont let it affect you"

"Talk to them"

"Open up it will get better if you talk about it"

"Let it out"

"He loves you back"

....

"Take your medicine"

"Dont force yourself to stay awake"

"Be healthy"

"Eat more"

"Your not a bad person"

"Everyone deserves to be happy"

.....

"Dont cut"

"Cutting doesnt help anything"

"You only hurt yourself and the ones that care for you"

...no one cares for me...

I still want them to do what I tell them. They dont deserve what I am feeling. I dont deserve happines...

...I dont want it...

I dont have any problems. Everything was normal for me I have no reason to be depressed. So I deserve it. I want this depression. I enjoy the feeling of people caring for me.

I dont wanna be alone

I wanna feel loved too

Please help me

Make me feel

Give me attention too

I dont understand it. I want it, I get it, I dont care for it anymore. I feel so empty. My laugh feels wrong. My smile feels made up. Me tears feel fake. My words are empty. I am just fake. I dont need a purpose to be here. A reason for everything. I need to feel like me. Not a person I saw on screen. I lost myself. Faking a smile my hole life. When am I even sad? When is it just a made up?

You! Can you tell me whats wrong with me?

Thats my story... Am I pathetic to want your attention now?

Will I ever get a happy ending?