The moon was so bright you could see the thick snowflakes from outside falling slowly and gently to the ground. The way the snowflakes slowly came down to the ground reminded you how you felt. You were slowly losing him. You were losing little bits of him and you knew you’d lose him whole soon. You let out a soft sigh as you patiently sat on the couch by the window, watching the snow fall gently with your warm coffee in your hands wishing it was his warm hands holding your hands instead. You turned your head forward as you saw him. His black hair just above his eyebrows, his light pink lips pressed together. You examined his amazing skin, the two moe’s above his left eye and his black and white spike earrings he always wore. ‘Bogoshipeo.’ Your gaze suddenly broke off when you heard the keys jiggling to get the door open. You smiled and put your coffee down. You immediately regretted trying to help open the door for him.

Jaebum was standing outside the door with his hands around another girl’s waist. You glanced at the girl. The girl looked at Jaebum confused, putting her hand on his chest, “Oppa, who’s this? You said you weren’t with anyone at the moment.”  

You felt the cold air smack your face and chills went up your spine  as Jaebum hesitated and stumbled on his words. You already felt tears about to burst but held it back. You quickly tried to shut the door when he pushed it back “Wait! (y/n), I can explain!” He yelled. He looked at the girl telling her to leave. She looked at you and sweared under her breathe as she walked away rolling her eyes. 

As he stepped closer to you, you could smell the strong alcohol on him. Knowing he was probably tipsy and was going to this random girl, you didn’t even want to bother to try to talk to him. It was pointless and he wouldn’t listen anyways if you tired. 

“(y/n). Please. Let me explain.” Jaebum said in a soft voice.

“What is there to explain? It’s clear you wanted her. The way your hands were on her body.. The way… The way you let her touch you so easily. There’s nothing to explain.” You said tears welling up at the corner of your eyes. You quickly wiped it so he wouldn’t notice. 

“It’s not like that.. It was late and everyone at Jackson’s party was drunk and gone. I was the only one, barely, able to drive. I was just going to take her home.” He sighed not knowing what to say at his mistake. 

You scoffed. “Of course. Definitely explains how both of your guys hands were all on each other like you guys could’ve just ed outside.”

“She was drunk. I was only trying to help her walk before she fell on the ground and hurt herself.” He said trying to make eye contact with you.

“You honestly cared about what’ll happen to her? Did you ever think about me? My feelings? I waited for you Jaebum.” You said feeling your tears come down your cheek. “I don’t get it. I did so much for you. For us… and this is what I get in return? Not even the same amount of love or loyalty in return?” You paused before continuing what you really wanted to say that you couldn’t before. “This isn’t even the first time. You make me doubt you, us. Did you even like me?”

Jaebum just stood there in front of her looking into her eyes filled with sadness and pain. “I’m sorry. I love you. I love you so much. I didn’t mean hurt you. I never meant to hurt you.”

Empty lies. You knew these empty and soulless words didn’t mean anything anymore. He always said that when he had no excuse for his mistake. What a pabo. You just wanted to scream and cry out everything you felt. You gently pushed him away from you. All your tears from the times you held it back finally all came. You knew this was the last straw. Words of your closest friends crowded in your head:

“You need to break it off with him, (y/n).”

“You deserve so much better.”

“He’s lying to you.”

“Who cares. Just accept it and move on.”

 He hurt you so bad but you continued to stay with him. There was honestly no one else you wanted. You stayed because you thought he would change. You got so used to him leaving and coming back that it was tearing you apart bit by bit without you even being aware of it. You did anything just for him to stay. The worst part was knowing that if you ended it and walked away, he wouldn’t stop you. Because he knows you’ll come back to him no matter what. Because you always do.

“I’m leaving.. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t have you leaving and coming back into my life like this anymore, like I'm a house. Coming home whenever you feel like it. I waited for you for so long. I was so patient with you.” You said quietly as you turned your back away from him and made your way to the door.

“Wae gu rae? Don’t be like this. I know you’ll just come back later. Please, just stay here with me. I’ll change, I’ll do anything you want. I’ll stop going out with the boys. Je bal, ga ji ma.” You could hear his voice crack as Jaebum turned around and grabbed your wrist, hugging you from behind and putting his chin on your shoulders. You missed him so much. You missed being held safe and warm in his embrace but those arms that once held you were now hands you didn't recognize anymore. You knew you couldn’t continue this anymore. You really felt that him coming back was helping you put your pieces back together but only when you realized too late that he was only building you up just to tear you down again. 

“I don’t need you changing. You don’t understand. I remembered everything you forgot. I realized I loved you when I started making excuses for the way you hurt me… Jaebum.. Hell isn’t even close to how I felt when I knew I was slowly losing you. Days without you, it’s so quiet here and I feel so cold. This house no longer feels like home.” you said breaking down, this time you let all the tears out and mumbled how much you loved him. “You just don’t understand Jaebae.” You managed to croak out in between your sobs. Jaebae was his nickname you gave him after you gave yourself to him.

It was torture pushing his hands away from you. But you had too. You knew sure as hell he was someone that didn’t deserve you. After so many years, it’s only now that you realized you needed and deserved better. You turned around and cupped his cheeks and looked in his eyes, tears still streaming down. His expressionless face staring back at you.