one.
Yellow with Red Tips
“The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals.”
Jaebum frustratingly shuts the lid of his computer down. He leans his elbows on the table and roughly buries his face into his hands.
It can’t be. He thinks to himself, gritting his teeth. How could I let this happen?
Jaebum didn’t need to think twice on who it is that’s at fault for this happening to him.
Park Jinyoung, is the only person that Jaebum would love this much. Jaebum wishes Jinyoung was just a fleeting crush that would have went away once he knew it would always be one sided. But Jaebum doesn’t have a fleeting crush on him. Jaebum is in love with him.
But Jinyoung doesn’t love him back.
Hanahaki disease, he thinks to himself. That was what caused him to wake up this morning coughing brightly coloured yellow petals.
It wasn’t every day you would find yourself coughing only for petals to come out of your mouth.
As frustrated as he is that he contracted such a disease he knew it was true and there was no point denying and pretending the problem didn’t exist when it clearly did. He reluctantly opens his laptop again and reads more into detail of the condition, perhaps getting more important information before overreacting.
“The disease is rare and people who experience one sided love aren’t always guaranteed to contract the disease. It occurs to the people who hold the deepest of love. Love so deep the pain in their heart from it being unreturned causes a plant of roses to bloom inside them. Different people cough up different kinds of flowers. However, the type of petals they cough does not change the severity of the condition of the patients. It still remains fatal with the same procedures of a cure.”
Jaebum picks the petal on the desk beside him that he coughed up not too long ago and looks at it closely. He notices the ends of the petals are painted faintly with red, contrasting to the yellow as the colour faded into a gradient of orange then into the yellow colour of the rest of the petal.
He does some quick googling and identifies that his petals seem to come from a rose with yellow petals and red tips. He also happens to find out that the rose had its own specific meaning.
Friendship and falling in love, he reads. How terribly fitting, he thinks sarcastically.
What catches his eyes, however, is the picture of a completely black rose, under the block of text he was just reading. The photo had its own block of text beside it.
“A large sign of the disease being untreated for too long and the patient is close to death is that the patient will start to cough up black petals. This is commonly related to black roses although they do not exist it is insinuated that it represents death and farewell, the black roses meaning.”
Jaebum gulps as he reads more about black petals. Subconsciously he reaches to place his hand on his chest.
His petals were yellow, but how long would it take for them to turn black?
Although the Hanahaki Disease was fatal. It had two guaranteed cures.
One, the person you love returning your feelings. Two, surgery. You get an operation that forcefully removes the plant from your body.
Of course Jaebum wants the first option to happen. It seems so easy to choose but that is exactly the problem. Anyone with the disease would choose this option but it is simply not a choice he had the power to make.
He could try and try to get Jinyoung to love him back but Jaebum knew it would never happen. He has been trying for years, he knows it would never happen. Also, Jaebum has long already realized that he can’t make Jinyoung fall in love with him as well. They’ve been together for years and if it hadn’t already happened then Jaebum knows it’s just not meant to be.
The second option was the more realistic one. It has almost zero percent failure rate and would not negatively harm his body if he were to get the procedure.
The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals. Jaebum remembers reading.
If he were to get surgery, his feelings for Jinyoung would completely disappear. All the sparks he felt and the feelings of love he had while looking at Jinyoung would be wiped from his memory and he would wake up from the procedure not remembering who he was in love with. He would wake up thinking Jinyoung as simply his best friend, exactly how Jinyoung felt for him.
In a way it’s perfect, isn’t it? Jaebum is cured, he no longer had feelings for Jinyoung, the one sided love would no longer exist, and they would continue on with their lives as best friends on the same page.
But no it isn’t perfect. Not for Jaebum. He doesn’t want to stop loving Jinyoung. He doesn’t want to live in a world where he would find someone else to fall in love with other than Jinyoung. Actually, Jaebum doesn’t even think he would ever fall in love with someone other than Jinyoung, even if his feelings for him would disappear.
This is so cruel, Jaebum thinks to himself.
He has three options, Jinyoung falls in love with him, he gets surgery and forgets he ever loved him to begin with or, death. The only pleasant option is already ruled out and marked impossible in Jaebum’s book. So now is left with one cure or to die.
Jaebum believes surgery really isn’t a cure at all. Would living the rest of his life completely forgetting he once felt so deeply for someone so important to him really worth it? Would never loving someone like that ever again really be better than just dying?
Jaebum doesn’t want for Jinyoung and him to just be normal friends. All Jaebum wants is to love Jinyoung and to be loved by him. Unfortunately, life is cruel and Jinyoung will never love him back.
He thinks that there are things worse than death and forgetting his love for Jinyoung was one of them.
Jaebum curing his disease isn’t the only conflict he needs to figure out. He realizes that it isn’t exactly easy to hide the fact he’s coughing up petals. Not only to the rest of GOT7 but the public as well being that they are constantly in the eyes of the public. On the bright side, their promotions for If You Do recently had end but that didn’t change the fact they still have other schedules that forces Jaebum to be in front of his fans.
He is almost never alone especially since he shares a room with Youngjae and Jaebum tends to think of his unrequited love for Jinyoung the most during the night. No doubt he would start coughing petals and Youngjae would notice. It was a miracle that Youngjae got out of bed early today and Jaebum’s first signs of coughing petals didn’t happen till after he was left alone that morning.
Not only that but the disease rapidly becomes worse especially if you spend a lot of time thinking and around the one causing you one sided love. Avoiding Jinyoung isn’t an option because it’s practically impossible. They live together and travel to do schedules together and Jaebum lives basically ever waken moment with him and GOT7. Not even with Jinyoung leaving soon to film his movie will allow his disease to subside enough that he can hide it.
It was only a matter of time before he starts losing control of his coughs and soon he’ll start vomiting petals as well.
It’s one thing to be burdened with a fatal disease but it’s another if it’s caused from love. Love for his bandmate. If GOT7 finds out he has the Hanahaki Disease, then no doubt they will push to find out who it is that Jaebum is in love with. There’s only so many people Jaebum could possibly be in love with and it wouldn’t take many guesses for the members and Jinyoung himself to find out it’s him.
No, absolutely not, but… Jaebum decides to at least tell Youngjae. One, because it’s going to be hardest to hide it from him. Two, it would be nice to have someone to lean a shoulder on and rely on.
So he calls Youngjae into their room.
“What’s up?” Youngjae asks innocently as he walks behind Jaebum into their shared room.
Jaebum turns to face him and doesn’t know how to bring the subject up. He figures if Youngjae sees for himself, the faster he will understand. Jaebum starts to think of Jinyoung’s smile, how his eyes crinkle, the way he used to cling to him, calling him hyung, and the list goes on. Then he thinks about how Jinyoung thinks of him as only a best friend, a brother, and nothing more.
Before he knows it, Jaebum is crouching over, coughing into his hand and numerous yellow petals fall to the ground in between them.
Youngjae gasps and watches in surprise as petals fall from Jaebum’s mouth and his hand who can’t hold on to every petal that comes out.
“Hyung…,” he mumbles, unable to think of what to say.
Jaebum smiles sadly and walks over to their desk and opens his laptop screen. He turns to Youngjae again who is blankly staring at him.
“Youngjae, have you heard of the Hanahaki Disease?”
“Oh hyung…,” Youngjae mumbles mortified as he finishes reading what Jaebum had read before. He turns to look at Jaebum who is sitting on his bed, looking down into his lap while nodding sadly.
“Is it…,” He starts carefully, pursing his lips. “Is it Jinyoung hyung?”
Jaebum only laughs. But his voice is dripping with everything but happiness.
“Is it that obvious?” He finally looks up at Youngjae while running his hand through his hair.
Youngjae is frowning hard but offers a small smile.
“To me it is but if it helps I doubt anyone else notices,” Youngjae says quietly.
Youngjae has always been clingy towards Jaebum and Jinyoung. They’ve always doted on Youngjae like the true GOT7 parents they are. It didn’t take long for Youngjae to notice the rather longing stares he would give Jinyoung on occasions. Jaebum tried to be subtle but it didn’t fool Youngjae. He’s seen Jaebum stay up late at night—when he thinks Youngjae is asleep— to re-watch old JJ Project videos. Needless to say he always had his assumptions that Jaebum felt a tad bit more than just friendship towards Jinyoung.
“You know hyung,” Youngjae starts off nervously. “There’s still a chance he may love you too! It’s not completely impossible…” He trails off silently as Jaebum’s face darkens.
“No, he doesn’t.” Jaebum shakes his head sadly.
“You and I both know—as much as I want to hope— that the way Jinyoung looks at me is completely different. Completely platonic.”
Youngjae frowns harder and Jaebum thinks he’s about to cry.
“But what can we do, hyung?! You’re going to die!” He cries out, blinking away tears. “Are you… Going to have the surgery?”
“Honestly, I don’t know myself. It’s the only option I have other than dying but, as pathetic as it sounds it almost seems worse than dying.” Jaebum admits out loud.
“I don’t want my feeling to be taken away from me. I don’t want for myself to live thinking Jinyoung is just my best friend and alike my friendship with everyone else. Because it’s not! It will never be the same. I don’t want to tell him how I feel,” Jaebum pauses, his throat tightening as he continues. “But, I don’t want to get rid of them either.”
Jaebum is now standing and is almost yelling at this point. He forgets that the other members may hear him and barge in wondering what was going on in their room.
Jaebum bites his lip and holds any tears in. Youngjae walks up to Jaebum and pulls him into a hug. It seemed like the most suitable thing to do so Jaebum would fall apart right there in front of him.
“For now,” Jaebum chokes out. “Keep this all a secret. Even to the rest of them and the manager. Until I have time to think this through.”
Jaebum doesn’t have time to think things through.
Only hours after talking to Youngjae him and the rest of the member’s head out to film Sukira. With the help of Youngjae, Jaebum manages to not cough up any petals in front of anyone. Whenever he started coughing, Youngjae would distract the other members or anyone else’s attention so Jaebum could get rid of the evidence.
Youngjae made sure he was there to be between Jaebum and Jinyoung whenever possible. At least that would calm down Jaebum’s coughing a little if he wasn’t interacting with Jinyoung a whole lot. They both manage to get themselves on the opposite end of the table as they sit down to film Sukira.
Jaebum is grateful and glad he told Youngjae who puts in such effort to accommodate him. However, he wonders how long they can hide this from the rest of the members because their behaviour would eventually raise suspicion.
Luck didn’t last very long for them. Jaebum is wondering why Jinyoung has to be his partner during the 100 seconds mission game and why does their mission have to involve Jinyoung eating off the same snack stick as him till only one centimetre was left between their mouths.
This is the opposite of that he needs right now.
Youngjae looks at him undeniably with worry but they both have to hide their expressions due to cameras being on them.
It also doesn’t help that Jinyoung was particularly into the game considering Jaebum felt like he was being stabbed from the inside of his chest while Jinyoung wrapped his hand around Jaebum’s neck and pulls him close to eat off the snack stick. Their lips were so close Jaebum could taste his breath. Jaebum could feel his throat tightening.
In some kind of logic, this should be considered good. They were so close to being intimate, so close to kissing, and so close to satisfying Jaebum’s love. Of course, it is just wishful thinking and it only serves to make a big blow on the plant growing inside him and Jaebum is surprised he is able to hold out till the end of the filming before he is running to the bathroom and puking endless amount of yellow petals.
What started off the day as just spontaneous coughs of with several petals coming out escalated drastically within only hours.
Youngjae of course, runs after him in the bathroom. He crouches beside Jaebum and pats his back soothingly as the last of the petals leave Jaebum’s mouth.
“I managed to convince the other members to not come in to check up on you and leave it to me. But, they’re going to ask and worry either way. Especially Jinyoung hyung.”
Jaebum doesn’t respond and just stares at the toilet full of the yellow petals with red tips.
Jaebum has always thought of flowers to be beautiful but now, he stares down at the brightly coloured petals and all he can think of how it seems like they’re laughing at him.
Thankfully, Jaebum’s episode at Sukira ended up being just a really bad flare from being so close to Jinyoung so intensively. When he comes home that day his condition is already back to the bearable and subtle coughs like it was before.
Jaebum knows that will only last so long before the disease starts to progress even worse and his physical and mental health will deteriorate. Because of Sukira Jaebum loses all self control of being subtle and is blatantly avoiding Jinyoung like the plague.
The first few days the members and Jinyoung don’t think much of it. Partially also because Jinyoung was shy because of the incident as well and it was inevitable. However, two weeks pass by and Jaebum is still avoiding Jinyoung and quite frankly Jinyoung is confused as to why he still isn’t over it.
“You know he’s going to confront you about this sooner or later. You’re being terribly obvious,” Youngjae bluntly says as they both lay on their beds before they would turn off the lights to go to sleep.
Jaebum knows he’s being immature and irrational but he can’t help it. Whenever he stares at Jinyoung for too long or whenever he is too close to him he can feel his chest and throat tightening. Sometimes, Jaebum thinks it’s not even the disease anymore but just his own emotions that are killing him from the inside.
That’s essentially what the Hanahaki Disease boils down to now that Jaebum thinks about it. Just his emotions paining him so much that they take form into an actual physical disease.
“Hyung,” Youngjae says exasperated. “It’s been two weeks already and look at you.”
Jaebum couldn’t even be mad at Youngjae’s tone of voice. Because comparing him now to when he first contracted the disease two weeks ago, it was easy to tell that Jaebum’s health has gotten worse.
He is paler now, thinner due to the plant inside of him his energy away and the rest he has left is put into practicing. Eating remains the same, thankfully but Jaebum doesn’t know when the disease will attack that part of him as well.
Sleeping is by far the worst. Before, Jaebum would cough in his sleep but it wouldn’t be bad enough to wake him up. All it would be was he would wake up to petals on his bed and floor which he’d quickly clean up before any other member would walk in and see.
However now, Jaebum’s dreams are plagued with Jinyoung and Jinyoung only. Dreams of Jinyoung loving him, of Jinyoung hating him and everything in between. He has multiple ones in one night and every time each dream ended, Jaebum found himself shooting awake from a violent coughing fit and dozens of petals flying out of his mouth.
The petals are growing stubborn and breathing is becoming harder. Even when Jaebum isn’t coughing, it feels like his lungs are clogged. As if the petals are stuffing his lungs or the stems are tightening around them. Jaebum is having a harder time hiding it and he can feel the members staring at him worriedly as he refuses to say anything about it.
“I’m sorry Youngjae,” Jaebum sighs out finally and turns to look at Youngjae, genuinely apologetic.
“I know I need to make a decision now. I know I should stop ignoring Jinyoung and hiding this from everyone. Just… Give me a little more time.”
Youngjae eyes soften and he gives in. He knows pressuring Jaebum to do something won’t help anymore and he simply closes his eyes and hopes that things will get better.
Youngjae doesn’t have to worry anymore though because the next night, Jinyoung is the one who makes the move first.
Jinyoung watches carefully as Youngjae leaves to shower and he’s sure Jaebum is alone in his room to corner him.
Jaebum mindlessly hums loudly at the knocking at the door, letting whoever was outside the door in. His mind completely forgets that it couldn’t be Youngjae because he’s showering so when he looks up he’s stunned to see it’s Jinyoung standing at the door of their room.
He freezes and he has no idea what to do because Jinyoung is nervously standing at his door and they’re alone and oh god— he isn’t ready for this yet.
“Hi, hyung,” Jinyoung says softly with a small smile before walking over to sit next to Jaebum. Jaebum ignores the burning feeling in his chest.
“You’re—,” Jinyoung starts off as Jaebum remains silent. “You’re okay, right? I mean— I know what happened at Sukira was really uncalled for but I didn’t think it upset you this much and I’m— I’m sorry but I miss you, hyung.” Jinyoung says, having trouble stringing his words together. He concluded that Jaebum didn’t like how aggressive he was during the game and that’s why Jaebum has been so distant. Jinyoung was surprised it would upset him so much because he usually was okay with their skin ship but he doesn’t think much about it and just apologizes.
Because Jinyoung can’t stand being away from his favourite hyung.
I miss you, hyung. It rings in Jaebum’s head and he feels a warmth of happiness from how much Jinyoung cares for his feelings despite Jaebum’s behaviour. It brought also a wave of guilt because how could he make Jinyoung go through two weeks of him thinking he was upset with him when if anything Jinyoung is the one who should be upset.
“I’m… I’m not upset.” He pauses and looks at the grown, unable to meet Jinyoung’s stare. He doesn’t know how to respond without just telling Jinyoung everything that he’s been hiding the past two weeks.
“It’s not your fault. I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you but it’s just—” Jaebum doesn’t know if he should be glad Jinyoung cuts him off. On one hand he had no idea what he was going to say next but on the other he struggles to keep his cough in as Jinyoung leans in to press his hand on Jaebum’s forehead.
“Are you sick right now?” He asks worriedly to which Jaebum just stares at him because he’s still taken a back.
Abort mission abort mission abort mission oh my god—
“You’ve been really tired and pale lately. You look like you’re in a lot of pain sometimes. You can tell us if you’re sick.”
Jaebum pushes away from Jinyoung’s touch. He doesn’t think he’s going to last much longer before he has a coughing fit or worse, vomiting.
“It- it’s nothing! I’m just feeling under the weather I think.” He tries to stay calm, tries to keep Jinyoung from suspecting anything.
Jinyoung does eye him strangely before smiling and nodding understandingly. “If you say so. I’m glad you’re not upset though.”
Jaebum can’t help but to melt. With courage he lifts his hand up to ruffle Jinyoung’s head although being mindful of distance.
“Of course not.” He smiles back at Jinyoung.
Jinyoung smiles wider now and Jaebum mentally hits himself because he must have hurt Jinyoung’s feeling terribly for ignoring him for a straight two weeks.
I don’t deserve you at all. He thinks to himself as Jinyoung forgives his childish behaviour so quickly. This has happened too many times. Jaebum doing something terribly childish or wrong and Jinyoung forgiving him way too easily. It makes Jaebum think that he really does deserve this unrequited love that is killing him slowly.
He snaps out of his thoughts when Jinyoung pouts and leans in to flick Jaebum’s forehead.
“You’re awfully a lot closer to Youngjae recently,” he mumbles. “Are you telling him things you’re not telling me? I thought I was your favourite.” Jaebum can tell Jinyoung is just joking around and being playful. But the tightness in his chest worsens because it’s true. This frankly, really big problem Jaebum is facing has brought Jaebum and Youngjae closer because of how he only confines about it to Youngjae.
No matter what though, Jinyoung will always hold that special place in Jaebum’s heart. A place so big that no one could ever dream of holding even nearly the same amount as Jinyoung does. Jaebum hopes Jinyoung knows this. That despite them having to share each other unlike the days of JJ Project, Jinyoung will always be Jaebum’s absolute favourite person. It’s just Jinyoung can’t know that it’s because Jaebum is terrifyingly in love with him.
“You’ll always be my favourite, Jinyoung.” Jaebum says quietly but a hundred percent sincere. It lacks the playful tone that Jinyoung has and for a split second Jinyoung is taken a back at Jaebum’s tone.
Jaebum almost starts regretting what he said but Jinyoung just smiles wide and stands up.
“I’m glad then! Jaebum will always be my favourite too. I better go head to bed now then,” he says before walking over to the door. He gives Jaebum one more smile before leaving.
Jaebum listens to Jinyoung’s foot steps that get progressively quieter and he slumps down on his bed. He lets himself cough out the petals he’s been holding in.
His chest pains subside a little but they are still there and reminds Jaebum’s constantly that he is dying.
Jaebum thinks that from now on he will never not have the pains in his chest that are caused by his disease. He doesn’t have much time left to decide.
Three weeks.
Three weeks marks the date that Jaebum is unable to hide it any longer.
It’s a late December night in the practice room where GOT7 are rigorously perfecting their routines for Gayo Daejeon and other important end of year events to attend. Quite frankly it’s been very hectic and a very bad time for Jaebum.
They’re taking a short break and Jaebum is in the middle of sipping on some water before he feels a wave of dizziness and he nearly falls over.
No, He yells in his head, Not here.
He’s shaking as he shuts his water bottle tight and attempts to make it to the door to leave the practice room and the eyes of the other members.
He isn’t fast enough and he loudly falls over onto his knees at the door. Everyone turns and quickly runs to Jaebum but they freeze in their place as Jaebum starts to violently cough. Petals after petals fall and they can only stare as the bright yellow petals spread on the practice room floor before Jaebum’s body gives in and he’s fallen over in the pile of his own petals.
“Jaebum has the Hanahaki Disease?”
Jaebum’s eyes flutter open as the not so quiet chattering awakes him. It takes him a few moments to realize he’s now in his bed and he remembers the events that happened before he passed out.
Oh , he thinks to himself as he tries to sit up.
“Jaebum hyung no!” Youngjae is the first to notice Jaebum waking up and rushes over to him. “You shouldn’t sit up, you’re weak.” He frets but Jaebum pushes his hands away and sits up properly despite how utterly exhausted he felt.
“Jaebum!”
Jinyoung is by Jaebum’s side and hugging him, his face littered with dry tears from worry. Jaebum doesn’t have the chance to even think before he’s coughing out petals again.
When he’s done he weakly slumps his body against the wall. He already felt like when he woke up but now he was really ready for eternal sleep to come take him.
“Jaebum,” Mark is the first to say something. “What’s going on?”
Jaebum can’t find the voice in him to say anything as he just closes eyes, wishing he would just disappear or wake up only to realize the past three weeks were all just a terrible dream.
“What’s the Hanahaki Disease you were talking about Youngjae?” Bambam asks nervously.
Youngjae purses his lips, debating whether to spill the beans.
“Just tell them Youngjae,” Jaebum says weakly. “It’s about time.”
He feels guilty. He left such a huge burden on Youngjae’s shoulders the past few weeks while doing nothing to help his situation. He’s dying and he’s pretty sure he’s nearer to death and he’s nearer to the times he was perfectly fine. Now he’s left all of s stressed and worried in a time so busy and important for them. He feels himself falling into a pit of self hatred because hatred really is the only thing he can feel for himself right now. Was there even a good thing left of him anymore?
“Jaebum hyung is—” Youngjae starts as he explains what the Hanahaki disease is to the rest of the members.
“So unless Jaebum has his love returned or he gets surgery, he’ll die?” Jackson asks in disbelief.
Jaebum waits for it but he’s surprised when it doesn’t come. No one is asking him yet on who is the mysterious person causing Jaebum so much pain. He expected it to be one of the first things they would ask.
“Exactly,” Youngjae sighs out.
“Jaebum, how long has this even being going on?” Mark demands worriedly as the rest of them stare at Jaebum’s lifeless body still propped up against the wall.
“Since the day we went to Sukira,” He mumbles out.
“What the hell Jaebum?! It’s been that long?” Yugyeom yells out dropping use of honorifics. Like Jaebum could care at this point anyway.
Bambam who was being quieter than usual walks over to stand by Jaebum’s bed.
“Hyung… Do you know what you’re going to do?”
Jaebum sighs and pulls himself off the wall, ruffling his hair to look back at everyone else.
“Honestly, the only option left for me is to get the surgery.” Jaebum’s heart clenches and he bites away the tears. “But I don’t want to.”
“Jaebum you have to! You’re going to die. Unless…” Yugyeom trails off and everyone already knows what he wants to say.
Jaebum wonders if the rest of them can tell it’s someone within them. He wonders if they know that’s why he isn’t saying who it is. He can’t even bring himself to even look at Jinyoung who is crouched down in front of his bed.
“Jaebum who is it?” Jinyoung abruptly asks. “Do you think they’ll—”
“Impossible,” Jaebum yells, cutting Jinyoung off. With all the things he’s been avoiding this was the one thing he really didn’t want to face.
“I- I already know it’s not an option anymore,” He admits a bit more calmly now.
Youngjae who has been on his phone since the last time he’s said anything pipes in again.
“Manager knows and he’s informed the company. If you’re going through with surgery you’re going to have to decide quick if you want to still make it to the end of year events.”
Jaebum sighs, he can’t continue on like this. It’s almost too late and he can’t jeopardize anything for them anymore. Not when they were still growing and needed as much support as ever. He’s burdened Youngjae for too long and he’s tired of being sick like this.
“Tell them I’ll decide by tomorrow. Just give me tonight to think.”
Jaebum promises himself one thing as he says this.
No matter what, Park Jinyoung must never know it’s him.
Youngjae doesn’t come to their bedroom that night. Jaebum understands if he’s upset with him. He may just be sleeping in Jinyoung’s room or someone else to give him space too. He finds either reason to be fairly reasonable.
What he doesn’t expect however, is Jinyoung to quietly come into his room instead.
Jaebum hasn’t gone to sleep yet. The lights were still on and he was staring at the ceiling when Jinyoung shyly walks in.
“Hyung, I brought some tea,” Jinyoung offers a smile in which Jaebum can’t help but return.
“Thanks Jinyoung,” Jaebum says as he accepts the warm mug.
Jinyoung stays and sits at the foot of Jaebum’s bed. He watches Jaebum as he sips on the tea, enjoying the comforting warmth it brings into him.
“It’s no problem.” Jinyoung pauses and Jaebum waits for him to continue on.
“Look, hyung,” He starts off nervously. “You don’t have to tell me who it is but—.” Jinyoung is biting his lips and Jaebum suddenly is scared that Jinyoung knows.
“I- I don’t want you to die hyung.” Jinyoung finally lets out and before Jaebum realizes it, Jinyoung is crying.
Jaebum quickly sets the cup carefully on his nightstand so it doesn’t spill and courageously opens his arms.
“Come here.”
Jinyoung scrambles onto the bed and throws himself into Jaebum’s arms. His tears soaking into his T-Shirt.
“I’m not going to die Jinyoung. I’m not going anywhere.” Jaebum comforts him as he rubs his back.
Suddenly it’s no longer about whether Jaebum is sick and dying because of unrequited love. It’s no longer about Jaebum hiding signs that it’s Jinyoung and that it’s always been Jinyoung.
It’s about the way Jaebum loves Jinyoung so deeply and he can’t stand to see him cry. It’s about the way Jaebum wants Jinyoung to know that he will never leave him behind.
Unrequited love hurts, but being pulled apart from Jinyoung so soon hurts more.
When Jinyoung finally calms down, Jaebum ends up coughing the petals he’s been holding in. He is slightly proud of his will power of not straight out puking petals and possibly just dying right there with the way Jinyoung was crying on him.
“Hey, have you ever heard of yellow roses with red tips?” Jaebum asks as he picks up the coughed up petals.
Jinyoung shakes his head while he blows his nose.
Jaebum smiles softly and he wonders if Jinyoung can see the sadness in his eyes.
“I’m almost a hundred percent sure my petals are from those roses.”
Jinyoung picks up one of the petals as well and stares at it curiously. They’re soft and so brightly coloured, Jinyoung questions why something so exquisitely beautiful can cause so much pain.
“They mean friendship and falling in love.” Jaebum says. “I can’t help but think it’s very fitting to my problem right now.”
Jaebum doesn’t know what’s gotten into him. He should stop before he becomes too obvious but he doesn’t. He doesn’t want Jinyoung to know his feelings because he is scared of the confrontation that will come with it. However, he wants to leave something. Something in Jinyoung to make him realize that he’s always been that special person to Jaebum, and that he always will.
Jinyoung looks up at Jaebum as he speaks he swears he see’s the pain in Jaebum’s eyes and he doesn’t know what that feeling in his chest is all about.
“Hey hyung—” Jinyoung stops mid sentence.
“Hm?”
“Oh.” Jinyoung stops himself. No, he’s just feeling and seeing things that don’t exist. “It’s nothing, don’t worry.” He reassures.
“I better get back to my room now and leave you alone now. With all the decision making you’re going to have to make tonight.” Jinyoung laughs before Jaebum can respond. He gives Jaebum a “Goodnight,” and walks out.
When Jinyoung walks out he leans against the door. He opens his hand where the scrunched up petal still laid.
Friendship and falling in love, he mumbles to himself as he stares at the petal.
When Jaebum wakes up the next morning coughing, what comes out of his mouth are no longer yellow petals. He is surrounded by black petals. It really didn’t matter though because it only confirmed what he decided before he went to sleep.
Jaebum talks to their manager and calls some JYP staffs.
He will be having the surgery.
Worst case scenario he may have to miss some minor schedules that can be easily played off as Jaebum just being sick. He firmly believes this is what’s best. For him and for the rest of the group.
“You’re really sure about this?” Youngjae asks the day before his surgery.
“Yeah, I am,” Jaebum says with a smile that Youngjae can’t see because they already turned off the lights. Jaebum thinks it’s the most genuine smile he’s had in the last month.
“I did a lot of thinking and if I’m being honest I really did consider death,” Jaebum says honestly. Youngjae only remains silent.
“But then I realized. Even if my feeling would disappear and I’d no longer see him anymore than a best friend, I’ll still always love him. As corny as it sounds I feel like I was made to love Jinyoung no matter what. My love will never be returned and he’ll never know how much he really means to me. But,” He pauses and smiles sadly to himself. “If I can just be by his side, even just as a friend. I think I’ll still be happy.”
Youngjae is still silent as tears start to fall. Was this really Jinyoung and Jaebum’s destiny? Why couldn’t life have made Jinyoung love Jaebum back so they could be together like how it should be. Not just because so that Jaebum wouldn’t have to suffer like this but because Youngjae genuinely thought they were meant to be together.
“I’m so sorry Youngjae. I must have put you through so much the past month. Also chances are when I’m out of the surgery, you’ll still remember that I’m in love with Jinyoung. You’ll be the only person that will know.”
Youngjae would be lying if he said he hasn’t thought about it that way before.
“But I just ask for one last favour,” Jaebum hopes this will be the last time he’ll burden Youngjae. “Don’t tell me after the surgery that it was Jinyoung, and please make sure Jinyoung never knows as well. I don’t want this hurting me any longer and I don’t want him to hurt because he thinks it’s his fault I’ve been in so much pain.”
Youngjae is silent some more.
“I promise, hyung,” he finally says.
All of the other members insisted on sending Jaebum off to the hospital but their managers insisted back that it just wasn’t realistic and dangerous to go as a big group. However, they promised they could come pick him up the next morning because Jaebum has to stay and rest in the hospital overnight.
Youngjae is devastated the night Jaebum is off to the hospital to get his surgery. A month of pain is soon to be over, right? But no, it isn’t. Jaebum has strong feeling left unsaid and now they’ll never be said because soon they won’t exist anymore. Youngjae wishes there was a way to preserve Jaebum’s memories of his love for Jinyoung. At least maybe one day Jinyoung will know what he was that special in Jaebum’s heart.
Youngjae wishes in some alternate universe they would be happily together with no pain.
When Jaebum is put to sleep for his surgery, he dreams only of Jinyoung. He dreams of when they won the JYP Auditions together. He dreams of their days in JJ Project together. Although they were short lived, Jaebum holds them dear to him. He dreams of lives where they met in different circumstances. Each life Jaebum being just as in love with Jinyoung as he is now. In some lives, Jinyoung loves Jaebum back and he can’t help but wish that that was their outcome.
However, when Jaebum wakes up from his surgery he no longer remembers those dreams. He no longer remembers the reasons why he had them to begin with.
“Jaebum hyung!” Bambam and Yugyeom yell as they run into Jaebum’s hospital room. Jaebum is thankfully not asleep—because he definitely would have been woken up with how loud they were—and is just propped up on the headboard of his hospital bed, reading a book.
“Hi everyone,” He greets with a smile. He’s a bit tired and dazed from the surgery but a good night sleep made him feel better. The doctors said he can for sure come home that day although he is advised not to leave the dorms for at least a few days.
Everyone is happy to see Jaebum no longer sick and healthily alive. Everyone but Youngjae.
Youngjae is the last to enter the room and he doesn’t yell excitedly like the rest of them.
“Do you really not remember anything?” Bambam is the first to ask. Mark hits him because although all of them were thinking the same thing they had the mind to not ask.
Jaebum smiles either way. “I remember bits and pieces of the last month. Like, I remember going to schedules and vaguely remember coughing and puking petals but… I really don’t remember being in love with anyone. It all seems like I was just dreaming everything, really.”
Youngjae tries to not cry right then and there. This Jaebum looks healthier and happier than any he’s seen the past month but he still can’t find himself be joyous.
Jinyoung is happiest out of all of them and he riskily climbs onto Jaebum’s hospital bed and hugs him tight.
“I’m so happy you’re okay now, hyung.”
Jaebum smiles at him and hugs him back. “So am I, Jinyoungie.”
There is no existence of Jaebum being in love with Jinyoung anymore. Jinyoung never knew and Jaebum never told him. Only thing that is left is what Youngjae had and he kept his promise and didn’t say a word to anyone.
Well no, that last part would be a lie.
“Youngjae.” Youngjae turns and see’s Mark and Jackson at the door of the piano room he was practicing in. It was the day after Jaebum came back and things were starting to go back to normal.
“Yeah, what’s up?”
Mark and Jackson look at each other nervously and it only makes Youngjae feel a sinking feeling in his stomach.
“It was Jinyoung who Jaebum was in love with, wasn’t it?” Mark finally asks.
Youngjae tries to cover it up but gives up when he realizes that the sadness on his face said it all.
“Yeah, it was.” Youngjae wonders if Jinyoung ever caught on. Youngjae clearly did and it looks like Mark and Jackson did as well. Maybe Jinyoung knew all along it was him, but he’ll never ask.
“I always had a feeling it was,” Jackson admits. “It’s the way he looked at him. The way he still does.”
“It’s weird,”
Youngjae turns to Jaebum. They’re both enjoying a day off and are currently lazing around in their rooms. Neither of them felt like going out. It’s been a month since the surgery and they had already started preparations for their new comeback shortly after the surgery.
“What’s weird?” Youngjae asks.
“Ever since I came out of the surgery, it feels like there’s something empty inside of me,” Jaebum says as he clutches his chest.
Youngjae’s chest clenches but he bites back any words, only humming back to Jaebum.
“But…” Jaebum smiles softly. “Whenever I look at Jinyoung, the emptiness goes away.”
Jinyoung is spending their day off walking around and doing some shopping. They had a very busy year ahead of them, with another comeback on it’s way and plans on a tour in play. It felt nice to at least have some time to himself around the city before he’d be back to the hectic schedule of an idol.
As walks by streets he notices a flower shop. He stops to look at the flowers on display but what catches his eye is a large section inside the shop that seems to contain only roses.
Curiously he walks in and goes straight to the section of roses. Dozens or colours of roses were there, from red, pink, white, and so on.
“Which one is your favourite?” A store clerk asks politely as she walks beside him. “I personally like the white ones.”
Jinyoung smiles at her and walks a few steps over.
“These ones,” he says as he points to a bucket of yellow roses with red tips on them.
Authors Note
My first attempt at angst- Which I think wasn't the best but considering I finished a fluffy JJ Project fic just a few days I think I made a big enough effort lmao- I was reading a Hanahaki Disease fic yesterday and got inspired to write one myself and before I knew it I finished it within a day whoops- Inspiration really does come spontaneously and in full force.
If I'm being honest there were a lot of directions this could have went, happier and sadder but I managed to stick to what I initially wanted and I might consider writing some alternate endings.
I hope you guys enjoyed and do leave comments if this attempt at angst was alright! <3
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