Fiction

She loves me.

Yongsun threw a pebble and waited for the moment. Seconds later, it broke the water surface with a soft plop, sinking to the bottom of the seabed.  

And the cycle repeated.

She loves me, of course she does.

Another pebble flew towards the vast sea.  

Yongsun dusted her palms, her eyes wandered habitually, to find Wheein. She was in the distance, walking down the beach, looking dreadfully alone. Evening time, there were people all around them, but all Yongsun could see was Wheein. The setting sun bleeding a swirl of citrus colour onto her slight frame, her figure growing smaller ever so slightly.

Like a beautiful painting, right at her fingertips but the content so intangible.

Like Wheein was walking away from her.

Yongsun scrambled to her feet, taking large strides to close the distance.

What was she doing, pelting pebbles at the sea when Wheein was no longer by her side and drifting away?

“Wheeinie.”

Wheein responded instantly, smile on her face, dimple showing. “Yeah?”

She loves me, definitely.

Wheein’s smile had the most charming quality ever. Thoughts stopped, heart stilled, Yongsun could fall for that smile again and again.

“Let me walk with you.”

Yongsun hadn’t meant to say that. It had simply slipped but Wheein nodded, smiled and paused.

The pause, albeit momentarily, was troubling.

Very troubling even though Wheein took her hand and laced their fingers together.

They fell into a silence, which seemed to echo with every sandy footprint they left behind.

Yongsun didn’t want to turn back. It was good enough, to have Wheein by her side.

It was that simple. But, if only, everything was that simple.

“Wheein.” Yongsun wasn’t quite sure why that came out as a whisper. “You’d tell me right? If something’s bothering you?”

“Yes, of course.” Wheein’s reply came too quick and the subsequent smile too easy.

Like her smile was that huge chasm between them.

But she loves me.

Yongsun announced in her head. Wheein was silent beside her.

At least she had memory to fall back on.

“Whoa~ Saved.”

That low murmur caught Yongsun’s attention, as someone smoothly slid into the empty seat beside her.

It was Wheein, instant recognition registered although Yongsun have never interacted with her. Everyone knew Wheein. Mainly because she was caught late often enough for her name to be hollered across the lecture halls by a few no-nonsense professors.

At that point, Wheein was this tiny girl, always in loose fitting tees, hoodies, snapbacks, multiple earrings, and maybe piercings and tattoos at places Yongsun couldn't see. She seemed like the sort to skip classes and smoke the afternoon away with friends. Vastly different from Yongsun who kept to herself mostly.

Were they in the same course or did they just share a module or two? That thought had surfaced for seconds before being completely forgotten, but for months, her eyes would occasionally wander to Wheein, strangely fascinated.

“Oh . It isn’t Asian Arts today?”

Yongsun barely heard the soft groan, but Wheein was clearly distressed, her face snugly plastered to the table. Yongsun looked at the girl, full of uncertainty, contemplating hard.

The table's really dirty.

For reasons unknown to her, Yongsun really wanted to say that to Wheein. But she held it back expertly. She would appear strange. They didn't even know each other.

Wheein shifted, causing Yongsun to divert her gaze in a hurry. Only then did she realise that Wheein was actually asleep.  Uncontrollably, she stole glances at the tiny sleeping frame throughout the lecture. Wheein with her messy hair all over her face, her tiny stature largely hidden from the view by the buff guy seated in front of her.

Wheein slept through the lecture only waking up five minutes to the end of it to type on her phone with lightning fast taps. After the lesson drew to a close, fingers closed around Yongsun’s arm, shaking it as she zipped up her bag.

“Hi, I heard they are giving free ice-cream at the atrium right now for ten minutes, but only if you go with friends.”

“Huh?” Yongsun blinked rapidly.

“Be my friend, I’m Wheein!” Wheein’s smile stretched and reached her eyes.

“I’m Yongsun, hi,” Yongsun replied, nearly stumbling over her words, a strange nervousness creeping up on her.

But she wasn’t allowed time to dwell on that strange feeling. Wheein flashed her another lively grin and took the introduction as the green light to grab her, beginning their dash to the atrium.

As Yongsun ran, her eyes were glued to Wheein. She was alluring, but there were no answers as to why. It wasn't typical of herself. They were barely acquainted; but here she was running along, one hand holding on to her bag tightly and the other firmly in Wheein’s grasp.

She couldn’t deny that it was fun, though.

“Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry…” Wheein was panting as she tiptoed to look beyond the handful of people in front of them. “And something else, I can’t see… What flavour do you want?”

“Uh,” Yongsun steadied her breath, “Chocolate?”

Wheein nodded, bouncing a little on the spot as they waited for their turn.

“Hey there.” The guy behind the trays of ice cream gave them a scan, like a slipshod attempt assessing the genuinity of their friendship. “What do y’all want?”

“Chocolate for Yongsun and for me… that.” Wheein pointed at a suspicious ‘?’ that marked an empty spot in the display.

The guy laughed, called Wheein gutsy and bent down for seconds, resurfacing with a cup of strangely coloured ice cream. Yongsun held her cup of chocolate ice cream, a wary eye on Wheein’s cup.

“What’s that?”

Wheein shrugged, taking another bite of her ice cream. “I don’t know.”

Yongsun wanted to ask more but Wheein cut in, “Anyway thanks! See ya!”

And Wheein was gone like the wind, Yongsun wasn’t sure if she felt bewildered or offended. It was like Wheein had simply made use of her to get free ice cream.

What happened to being friends?

Walking to a nearby bench, Yongsun swallowed a glob of chocolate, unhappiness undisguised.

“Um. Yongsun.”

Yongsun turned and it was Wheein again, and her ice cream was gone

“I’m not very good at this, actually… Can you give me your hand?”

Yongsun stuck out her hand without thinking, more intrigued by how there was a light blush on Wheein’s face.

“My ice cream tastes like banana… salt? It’s salty and fruity and weirdly nice. See ya!”

And as Yongsun stared at the chain of numbers inked on her palm, she realised that maybe that was why Wheein appeared to be so alluring.

Maybe this was the real Wheein and what everyone preconceived was just a misconception.

Yongsun smiled as she punched the numbers into her phone.

Such memories plagued her and comforted her all at once. The Wheein who dwelled in her mind. Seemingly carefree, a little lost in her own world and sometimes outright snarky. Sometimes, out of reach. Memories of Wheein, when they were younger and happier.

Yongsun looked at the children’s peaceful faces, free of worry and taking their afternoon nap.

She thought of Wheein a lot when the kids’ scheduled nap time rolled around.

She thought of Wheein a lot even though she drew blanks at times.

She'd rather struggle. Yes, she'd struggle, usually landing herself in the space of memory before they started dating. When she had often felt that Wheein was a little energetic kid. Mesmerised by the childish tinge that seeped from her laugh and smile, and the way her eyes seemed to twinkle when she was in a good mood. Her dimple and her voice. A Wheein she could fall back and think about.

Similar yet unlike the Wheein now. Now, she was like sand slipping through Yongsun's fingers.

“Yongsun, hey.”

The gentle voice breezed into her ears. Byulyi, one of the new-ish addition, was making herself comfortable in the seat beside Yongsun’s.

“Hey.” Yongsun returned the greeting, but Byulyi only regarded her with traces of puzzlement.

As the seconds ticked on, concern replaced the puzzlement.

“You okay?”

Yongsun hummed and nodded.

Byulyi was a strange person. She was bad with kids, her heart too easily swayed to control the kids properly. The kids could walk all over her and she would simply ruffle their hair with feigned anger. But she was so bad at acting, none of the kids fell for it.

To Yongsun, she was so bad at this probably because she was unassuming and defenseless.  

“You’ve been looking off these few days… Wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

The curt reply bordered on a snap and it seemed to rattle Byulyi, as she jerked back, looking fully uncomfortable. Her awkward smile ended up as a poor attempt at masking the hurt.

“Um, I’m sorry- I just thought, um...”

“Sorry, that was blunt. It’s just some relationship problems.”

Byulyi nodded understandingly, patting Yongsun’s knee as though that would give her some sort of comfort.

It didn’t.

And it was the first time she admitted, out loud, that her relationship had problems.

Problems which gradually built up to avoidance, like how Wheein texted her with ‘an emergency at work’, cancelled dinner and left Yongsun with a selca of an apologetic expression followed by one of her cute expression.

Wheein probably knew that Yongsun could never reject that smile.

And, if she forced herself to face up to it, Yongsun probably knew that the smile was effortless, easily conjured.

Yongsun caught a glimpse of Byulyi, smiling fondly at one of the kids.

Her insides churned with nostalgia.

Wheein’s office was only a twenty minutes car ride from her workplace.

Yongsun had never made things difficult for Wheein. But the desire to see her was overpowering.

She would deal with consequences later.

The way Wheein worked threw Yongsun off.

And at some point in time, Yongsun fell for everything that threw her off.

Wheein talked about things Yongsun had never thought of, she was unanchored, almost flighty. She would sneak out of the dorm at night, just to go to a field nearby and sit through the night.

And she would text Yongsun whenever that happened. Maybe being young played a part, because sometimes, Yongsun would think that she could and was anchoring Wheein down.

“Isn’t it weird that people wish on stars?”

“What?” Yongsun turned to the younger girl, she had always thought the starry sky was fascinatingly romantic.

Trust Wheein to disprove another thing in her life again.

“You’re looking and wishing upon the remains of rocks in space.”

The calm way Wheein spoke about it was curiously unsettling. She had that wild side and that awkward side. Yongsun knew of course, there was a lot more to Wheein that she hadn’t had a chance to dip into.

“They are dead things, flickering and struggling.”

“Oh…” Yongsun blinked.

And she knew then, that she had fallen for Wheein, even with her extreme flight tendencies. Because it sounded right, that it was somehow mysterious and romantic. In the way the left corner of Wheein’s mouth turned up just a tiny bit, showing her dimple, and the way the ends of her eyes crinkled. In the way, Yongsun would picture Wheein in her head, while her heart seized and she would forget to breathe for a second.

“We’re all struggling,” Yongsun murmured, without much thought. “Struggling can be beautiful too.”

“You’re such a masochist,” Wheein laughed and leaned on Yongsun’s shoulder.

Wheein’s smile and laugh was everything Yongsun wanted. The way her heart burst with contentment screamed at her to keep Wheein close, to never let go.

And she would struggle, to keep those in her world.

Maybe, maybe she really was like what Wheein said.

A masochist.

“Yongsun? Why are you here?” Wheein’s vague annoyance displayed not through her tone but through that subtle crinkle of brows. It was gone in a flash, but in that instant Yongsun had felt her heart stop.

Something in her screamed at her fruitless struggle.

Useless.

“I bought you food. Just sandwiches. Don’t work so hard.”

“I’m almost done.” Wheein took the paper bag from her, fingers brushing lightly across the back of her palms. “But thanks.”

“Wheein?”

“Yeah?”

Their eyes met and Yongsun realised, she wasn’t ready for the consequences at all.

“It’s late, stay safe,” Yongsun said, with the best smile she could muster. She wanted to reach out, grab Wheein and tell her how much she loved her and ask her if she felt the same.

But she couldn’t, so she repeatedly chanted in her mind that Wheein loved her, for sure.

“You too.”

That tired smile accompanying the reply cut deeper into her heart than she had braced herself for.

She should’ve waited for Wheein to finish up and maybe they would be able to grab some food after.

But Wheein didn’t asked her to stay, surely she wanted to but couldn’t. It was just circumstances.

Just circumstances.

Yongsun left, feet dragging across the pristine tiles.

If only her heart could be just as spotless.

But what could possibly wipe Wheein clean from her heart?

Yongsun tilted her head up to the sky.

Yeah, wishing on dead things.

Yongsun couldn’t remember the last time Wheein talked about love. But the first time Yongsun spoke of it was at some indie music festival.

“Wow, they are great. The drummer is amazing,” Wheein whistled, excitement spilling. She had somehow swiped a plastic foldable chair and the two of them sat on it, without a millimeter of gap between them.

Yongsun murmured her agreement, distracted by contours of Wheein’s neck as she tilted her head back to drink the last bit of coke.

Truth was, she preferred happier songs and more catchy stuff. But with Wheein around, she could learn to appreciate everything. Otherwise, she would just appreciate Wheein.

Wheein in a graphic tee and jeans too tattered to even be called vintage. Wheein’s smile. Wheein raving about a particular band she likes.

“Wheein.”

Wheein turned away from the performance and cocked her head.

“I’d probably regret not telling you but…” Yongsun pursed her lips. “I’d probably regret telling you too.”

“A riddle!" Wheein snapped her fingers and grinned.

So Yongsun decided to play along, it wasn't really that different from a riddle anyway.

"Riddle... Okay. Something that makes you wanna share happiness and sadness. Something that holds your heart as hostage. Guess it."

In the background, soft acoustic played lazily. A cajón, acoustic guitar, and the female singer with a husky voice that could lull anyone into a daze.

"Food!" Wheein chuckled and Yongsun had, characteristically, decided to agree and leave it as that. "Nah, more like love, right?"

"Right." Yongsun cringed at how cliché this was turning out and how her heart pounded uncontrollably. "I love you."

She felt the regret lapping at her, without a logical reason.

If only Wheein had stuck by ‘food’.

Later, she realised that she couldn't call that courage, it was foolishness.

"Oh..."Wheein trailed off, tactfully avoided Yongsun’s eyes. Those were signs of rejection in plain form and Yongsun braced herself. "It's not like I don't like you..."

Was Wheein being kind or cruel then? Was there an answer for that?

"Maybe we can try it out."

On hindsight, Yongsun probably couldn't remember when was the last time Wheein talked about love because she had never said it before.

From the bright smile and twinkle in her eyes in the early days, to the practiced, pretty smile now. Never.

Yongsun was scared of knowing why.

But deep down she already knew.

The abrupt jerk knocked her out of the daze and belatedly, Yongsun realised that she had been too deep in her clouds of the memory to notice that the bus had gone past her stop. She scampered off at the next stop, glad that it was still within walking distance to her place.

“Yongsun?”

Then she bumped into Moon Byulyi.

“Oh. Hello.”

Byulyi had a large, panting dog with her, its golden fur cascaded down in graceful waves. She seemed equally surprised by this encounter and simply stared at Yongsun awkwardly until her dog started sniffing the latter and prodding her playfully with its nose.

“Oh woah, no no don’t! Frosties, bad dog, come here.”

It whined, pawed at Yongsun, enamored.

"Frosties. Hey, stop that!"

“Frosties?” Yongsun asked when Byulyi finally had her dog under control. “You named your dog after cereal?”

Byulyi grinned with nostalgic childishness. The dimple on her left cheek. Painfully prominent. Reminiscent. Eyes twinkling brightly. Her smile, so comforting, that it hurt.

Yongsun brushed those thoughts away defiantly.

That was Byulyi in front of her smiling, she could tell that much.

"His fur is golden!"

"He's a golden retriever, Byulyi." Yongsun cracked a smile. "Makes sense you know?"

"I could paint him silver or rainbow." Byulyi squatted down and ruffled her dog's head. "Should I do that, buddy? You'd be a rainbow cereal!"

Yongsun was a hundred percent certain that Frosties shot Byulyi a judging glare. It barked, obviously in disagreement.

"Ah! You want it too, let's go get the paint."

"Stop bullying your dog." Yongsun lowered herself too, and immediately Frosties snuggled up to her. "Wow, he really likes me?"

"I tell him lots of stuff about you. He must feel like he knows you really well."

Frosties seemed to be grinning at her, its warm body leaned on Yongsun. Byulyi grinned along.

Byulyi was too accepting and it was all so harmonious, so casual to the point that something snapped in Yongsun and tears fell without warning. Silent sobs, which she tried in vain to hold back.

"Yongsun-"

Despite her vision being hindered by tears, she could make out Byulyi descending into a panicking mess.

Yongsun was sorry for this ungainly collapse but did nothing to stop it. She only reserved her absolute understanding and kindness for Wheein.

And she couldn't even explain, exactly, why.

Suddenly, a warm tongue was on her face, away tears. Frosties was whining sadly at her.

"Oh , did I say something wrong? I'm sorry..." Byulyi's tender hands brushed away her tears on the other side.

Late in the night, Yongsun felt ridiculous -- crying on the streets, with a colleague and her dog comforting her.

Where's Wheein?

Yongsun wanted Wheein here, not a Byulyi with her warm eyes and worried touches. She wanted Wheein even if all she got was detachment. She wanted Wheein because despite it all, surely Wheein felt something for her.

“Are you better now?” Byulyi’s voice came in a tiny whisper and Yongsun realised she was seated down, at the now deserted bus stop.

She nodded.

“Will you feel better if you tell me what’s bothering you? Is it your… relationship?”

Yongsun looked down, drained. Frosties was resting its head on her lap, soft fur tickling her thighs. She didn’t want to say anything but yet wanted someone to talk to, someone who didn’t know Wheein. Was that considered betrayal?

“It’s okay if you don’t wanna say anything, I understand.” Byulyi was patting Yongsun’s knee again and her voice like a low soothing drone. “I can walk you back home, how about that? Frosties adores you.”

“I love her. I love Wheein so much.”

Something about Byulyi coaxed everything out of Yongsun. She spoke fondly of Wheein, every smile and every action. Wheein drawing her birthday cards. Wheein cooking dinner, recycling that same few dishes she knew. Everything about Wheein she loved. Every tiny detail that she wanted to keep and hold on to.

“That sounds great.”

“Yeah,” Yongsun breathed, through her outpour she had unconsciously laid her head on Byulyi’s shoulder. It was comforting, just knowing that someone was listening to her.

Byulyi didn’t make a sound and didn’t ask ‘so what’s wrong?’, but that only made the unspoken words more glaring for Yongsun.

“She loves me, really. Byulyi, believe me, Wheein loves me.”

Byulyi sighed heavily, “It must’ve been hard.”

Yongsun shook her head, a prickly denial. It wasn’t that hard, because she found out that she could love Wheein, even at her worst.

Even if Wheein never truly felt the same.

Yet, the tears returned when she felt the gentle on her back.

“Love yourself more, Yongsun.”

Frosties whined and the back of Yongsun’s tear stained palm.

***

D-day.

Not that Yongsun actually set a date for this.

She tried letters, tried writing a script, tried messages and even called Wheein one time with her mind set on the topic. But somehow nothing worked. She’d stumble away from the topic painfully and pretend that the idea of a ‘break up’ had never crossed her mind.

Wheein doesn’t love me. Not like the way I love her.

Yongsun spent her days tormenting herself this way, drilling this reality into her brain, hoping that this would persuade her heart. Just looking at Wheein, touching her, seeing her smile (now practiced and slowly waning) was painful.

She could cry but that would make Wheein sad. Probably.

And ultimately, she didn’t want that.

“Hey.”

Yongsun hummed. Wheein kept a small space between them, as they stood side by side at the balcony, wordlessly staring at the street below.

The air was humid, the lights blinding and Yongsun’s eyes stung from tears that were building up.

Just one question.

“Have you ever loved me?”

Yongsun could feel Wheein’s gaze slowly inching towards her, and she held her breath for an eternity, waiting for an answer. She wanted to hear it, kill off any possibility of lingering.

Because a pathetic, tiny voice, continued to nudge her, stuffing the fraying strings of this relationship tight into her hands.

Wheein loves you. She can’t bear to let this go either.

“Why? Why are you asking this?”

“Because-” Yongsun swallowed, taking deep breathes to calm herself. Her voice was cracking and soon her will would crack again. “-because. I… we-”

“You want a break up,” Wheein spoke dryly. Fact. Statement.

Seemingly unaffected.

“How can you be so collected? Like this doesn’t matter at all?” Yongsun swung around, a quiet anger smouldering.

It probably doesn’t.

It was the end of the road, one which Yongsun thought she could walk holding onto Wheein. She had been lying to herself. Maybe Wheein had been lying to herself, too.

Nothing but lies and fiction.  

Wheein bit on her lips, looking helpless.

And Yongsun recalled the day Wheein asked her to be her friend, the first time they hung out together, the very careful way she first kissed Wheein. Wheein’s hugs and her smiles. The way she thought Wheein's eyes reflected her in them.

The Wheein whom she loved so deeply.

But it was funny, now that Yongsun had arrived at this breaking point, she belatedly realised everything wasn't as lovely as the dream she painted in her head. Wheein had always been a little short on the affection. It had always been more of a reaction, rather than action from her end.

“It’s okay, Wheeinie.” Yongsun smiled tiredly this time, while Wheein blanked out. “I don’t need any answers afterall.”

Wheein shifted, hesitant, as though she wanted to say something.

Yongsun didn't ask for it, but she could almost hear Wheein's thoughts in her head just by looking at her.

“I've probably always liked you as someone, kinda more than a friend.”

Yongsun gripped the rails.

But not nearly enough.

Eventually, Wheein simply sighed, and stared at Yongsun.

Or maybe it was just a heartbreaking sorry that she couldn’t voice out.

Just once more, Yongsun held on to Wheein’s hand and turned away, gaze falling back to the street.

Wordlessly.

Together, but only waiting to part.

A/N: This is honestly not much and it's really no good. i think it was a prompt but it's been eons since and i can't remember what prompt it's for anymore. Cleanse your eyes after reading this, guys.