Because of Jung

story by jeannie)_jung20

Excerpt:

“Your voice and your guitar is really pretty..” One of the guys said those words, which I understood. Seems like my Koryan lessons have not gone to waste.

“Thank you.” I replied him, then the guy suddenly squatted in front me, we’re face to face.

“Are you a Bana?” He smiled so bright, burning my eyes while I was busy staring at his face like a retard. I gasped.

Critique Discussion:

veelah veelah

Girls, just look at the additional comments.... so generous. I'm just looking at the username right now and I'm just... SMH. What the hell is that parentheses doing there? What in the world...

ann1914 goldfish ann

Omg, Jinyoung! He's my favorite in B1A4! That excerpt though; "He smiled so bright, burning my eyes while I was busy staring at his face like a retard." Wow.

veelah veelah

Lucky you, goldfish... lucky you.

Topu-Da Grey

Have I ever mentioned that I hate stories that start with a ing alarm clock? Well, I changed my mind. I hate stories that start with an overreaction. I'll list the things I hate below:
"Waeeeee?"
The song lines which made me cringe.
Overeaction with CAPS
"EOMAA?"
"T______T"

veelah veelah

Yeah, you're here to point out all the cliche stuff so those are perfect examples, Grey.

Topu-Da Grey

I don't know how I managed to read all the chapters.

veelah veelah

ahahaha

ann1914 goldfish ann

Omg, I almost forgot about this. But anyway, I'm going to have to agree with Topu for this. There's quite a lot of short-hands, too. Personally, it seems more like a long blog post rather than a story to me with the word choice, inserted emoticons, and all. I get that it's supposed to be romcom but it's too carefree for me to take it seriously as a story. Don't worry, though! I was a bit carefree with my first stories on here as well. I can't even dare myself to read them again to rewrite them. Just read over your story and see for yourself if you can imagine what you wrote out as a reader, not an author. That tends to help with lacking imagery and details. I'm also not digging the short-hand spellings ('Homaigad' for example) or overly stretched words (Eomaaaaa). There are some punctuation errors like with the use of end-stops and commas but that doesn't really bother me personally. Here's an example that I'm just going to make up:

"Hey, pretty boy," she said to the man whose back was facing her. "I told you to-" The pretty boy didn't let her finish as he quickly turned around to place a finger on her lips. He scoffed, "Were you going to say stop? I'm too fabulous to listen to you."

You only use a period if that's the end of the sentence that your character is speaking. Otherwise, you'll probably need to use a comma. ^^

Kababayan, galing pala ka sa Pinas, haha. Good luck sa future stories mo. Kaya mo yan! xD

veelah veelah

“Your voice and your guitar is really pretty..”

What's up with the two dots? Is it in between a period and ellipses? o.O I can already feel the half-assed writing vibe. Unless this guy has really bad grammar, it's "are."

One of the guys said those words, which I understood.

This makes no sense whatsoever... are you trying to say... ," stated one of the guys in Korean. I understood what he said. My Korean lessons did not gone to waste."

I'm not going to even try anymore. Wait... I have to record this? Eff me. No writing appeal. I wouldn't read the rest of this even if it featured Jaeling.

Case closed.

ann1914 goldfish ann

#10

I left the excerpt for you to dissect, vee. Good luck with the recording. XD

veelah veelah

#11

Thanks... I'm still stuck on how she can't even spell her username correctly... SMH

Generating more posts... complete.

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KaihleeLo #1 Sep 9, 2017 02:22:32

Chapter 10: Thank you for the critique, though this review was confusing as heck because of the layout I still was able to grasp the reviewers' insightful notes. Clinged should have been clung (obviously). I use google doc so it should automatically have a spell checker but it only checks to a certain degree, as you can see most of the time it doesn't catch . I don't plan to change "In the decades of 1800..." - maybe I'll write it as "In the 1800s" but - personally, I feel - yeah it's what you may find in a textbook; however, referring to a dynasty makes me feel I should now write accordingly to a specific non-fictional time period. And that's something I don't want to do.

I'm a very, in fact overly, descriptive writer and it's something I just naturally do. If I cut it down then I get this feeling that my readers wouldn't get the full picture I wanted to paint for them. But I will practice being even less descriptive (no lie, if you saw/read "Concealed Identity" some month ago you would want to strangle me). Thank goodness you for bringing up the formal and informal thing. I went back and forth with it so much I still don't know whether to keep it formal or informal. But when I get it figured out I'll go back make those changes. Overall I took a lot away from this 'discussion', even if it doesn't look like it. Thank you for being so quick with the review.

Ann - be prepared for some dense stuff in "Camellia On Top". I'll keep you in mind and try to make it less dense than "Concealed Identity" but no promises >_< due to the same reasons above.

KaihleeLo #2 Aug 10, 2017 19:51:05

Alrighty requested~ Thank you!

KellySeumilli #3 Aug 10, 2017 14:10:49

Hello ^^ I'd like to use my pass for a story critique ^^

KaihleeLo #4 Aug 10, 2017 07:13:02

Hello~ would love to use my pass for a story review.

chariseuma #5 Jul 17, 2017 04:36:42

Chapter 8: if anything i am grateful for ur honesty lmao there's no exactly romance in the story; it mainly focuses on the main character trying to find the truth of her sister

She's actually based on UMJI from g-friend and mate, i also happen to not like the name eunji but i thought whatever otl

Thanks for your honest comments and I'll be sure to check the tenses when I have the time

(Yes aff should have dog emojis lol)

chariseuma #6 Jul 6, 2017 04:16:44

Hiya I requested. Cheers x

sunflowerpots #7 Apr 16, 2017 01:59:38

Chapter 6: Dafaq. Hahahaha. There are Jose Rizal's minions here omg. Lol, I tried looking for reactions regarding the end part of the story but okay I had fun reading this. The story's trigger warned hence the 'subs only' so I really have no choice regarding that :)
The excerpt reading was quite nice, lol. I tried my best. XD thanks for this though.

ann1914 #8 Apr 16, 2017 01:48:51

Chapter 7: The title and recording for this chapter are amazing, lol.

sunflowerpots #9 Apr 3, 2017 10:36:38

I requested. *I'm definitely excited*

jenmarenchenjihae #10 Apr 2, 2017 21:44:40

I requested, it was quite hard.

AsianFanfics

Because of Jung - jeannie)_jung20

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