Concealed Identity - KaihleeLo

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Concealed Identity
story by KaihleeLo
Excerpt:

In the decades of the 1800s, six teens were introduced to change the nation of South Korea for their own benefit and future. But as their paths crosses, each and every adolescent bring with him friends, enemies, danger, and different beliefs. Will the newly found kins embrace their differences or become the end for each boy?

Critique Discussion:
veelah
veelah veelah
#1
o.O
 
Grey
Topu-Da Grey
#2
Alright...I fell asleep after the first chapter. Too many details...
 
 
veelah
veelah veelah
#3
You need more sleep, Grey. How many hours of sleep are you getting a day?
 
goldfish
ann1914 goldfish ann
#4

When I saw the poster I was like, 'Who is that blonde man?' I thought it was Legolas at first glance, lol. Anyway, from reading the description alone, the story sounds deep. To be honest, I sometimes can't keep up with historical dramas with all the terms that they fling around along with the intertwining correlations of characters and events. I just scanned through your chapters so far and they do indeed look dense (as in too many details). Plus you have 6 OCs and a bunch more side characters... Wow, giving these characters life must be tough.

Grey
Topu-Da Grey
#5
Like 5-6 hours... This place needs the @s that'll allow us to tag whoever we are answering.
 
 
veelah
veelah veelah
#6

@goldfish lol... Legolas. I can't unsee that now. xD DENSE. :)

So, for Grey, it's more along the lines of a history textbook than a fan fiction. I see, I see.

veelah
veelah veelah
#7
Is the excerpt supposed to draw me in? o.O After reading it, I don't really give a damn about these teens. They seem like egotistical brats. Choice of diction doesn't do much to entice. "Huh" words... their use confuses me or turns me off (emits a textbook vibe instead of an epic story vibe).

Okie dokie... breaking it down...

In the decades of the 1800s

^ not memorable... don't really care. "During the ______ Dynasty/Era when ________ and ______ happened etc," < I would have a better feeling of the time period. I get more from this than "In the 1800s."

six teens were introduced to change the nation of South Korea for their own benefit and future

^ confusing as heck because of the diction... "teens" and "introduced" and "their own benefit and future." These individual parts don't quite go together hand in hand. I'm sure you can come up with something better. I don't have enough background to reformat this sentence (don't know if they were sent down from the heavens via UFO or collected by the rebels to overthrow the current tyrant or... blah blah blah) It doesn't make any sense to me.

But as their paths crosses, each and every adolescent bring with him friends, enemies, danger, and different beliefs.

I thought you were telling this story in past tense? Also... please eliminate "each and every" You know this is a singular subject, right? You'll have to use "brings." I'd also remove "but." Why can't you just start it off with "as?" What's wrong with "as?"

With each unique encounter, the group of adolescents gains new friends, enemies, and beliefs.

^ note that group is singular so I use "gains"

Will the newly found kins embrace their differences or become the end for each boy?

^ I'm just shaking my head right now... I don't even know... can we take out "newly found kins" and add self-destruction or something along that line for the end part? o.O Like... please?

Additional LOLs: After skimming a few chapters, I found usual problems ~ writing "historical" stuff... 1. inconsistency in language (that creates the atmosphere for certain scenes) 2. Too much detail that it starts to take away from the experience.... what in the world?! run-on sentence universe... 3. subject/predicate(verb) agreement... like seriously (eh, it happens to everyone... but when it happens all the time in lengthy descriptions + run-ons... LOL you can't just brush it off and move on) 4. no consistency with contractions. "do not" "don't" I'm like... so, overall... is this story supposed to sound formal or informal? 5. making up words... and not magical words... no, no, no... words like "clinged" in chapter 24. Do you have spell check? If not... use an online one. As I type "clinged" into this comment box on AFF, "clinged" is underlined red. Make a list of those irregular verb and stick it on your desk. It will help... maybe.
Generating more posts... complete.
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KaihleeLo #1
Chapter 10: Thank you for the critique, though this review was confusing as heck because of the layout I still was able to grasp the reviewers' insightful notes. Clinged should have been clung (obviously). I use google doc so it should automatically have a spell checker but it only checks to a certain degree, as you can see most of the time it doesn't catch . I don't plan to change "In the decades of 1800..." - maybe I'll write it as "In the 1800s" but - personally, I feel - yeah it's what you may find in a textbook; however, referring to a dynasty makes me feel I should now write accordingly to a specific non-fictional time period. And that's something I don't want to do.

I'm a very, in fact overly, descriptive writer and it's something I just naturally do. If I cut it down then I get this feeling that my readers wouldn't get the full picture I wanted to paint for them. But I will practice being even less descriptive (no lie, if you saw/read "Concealed Identity" some month ago you would want to strangle me). Thank goodness you for bringing up the formal and informal thing. I went back and forth with it so much I still don't know whether to keep it formal or informal. But when I get it figured out I'll go back make those changes. Overall I took a lot away from this 'discussion', even if it doesn't look like it. Thank you for being so quick with the review.

Ann - be prepared for some dense stuff in "Camellia On Top". I'll keep you in mind and try to make it less dense than "Concealed Identity" but no promises >_< due to the same reasons above.
KaihleeLo #2
Alrighty requested~ Thank you!
KellySeumilli #3
Hello ^^ I'd like to use my pass for a story critique ^^
KaihleeLo #4
Hello~ would love to use my pass for a story review.
chariseuma #5
Chapter 8: if anything i am grateful for ur honesty lmao there's no exactly romance in the story; it mainly focuses on the main character trying to find the truth of her sister

She's actually based on UMJI from g-friend and mate, i also happen to not like the name eunji but i thought whatever otl

Thanks for your honest comments and I'll be sure to check the tenses when I have the time


(Yes aff should have dog emojis lol)
chariseuma #6
Hiya I requested. Cheers x
sunflowerpots #7
Chapter 6: Dafaq. Hahahaha. There are Jose Rizal's minions here omg. Lol, I tried looking for reactions regarding the end part of the story but okay I had fun reading this. The story's trigger warned hence the 'subs only' so I really have no choice regarding that :)
The excerpt reading was quite nice, lol. I tried my best. XD thanks for this though.
ann1914 #8
Chapter 7: The title and recording for this chapter are amazing, lol.
sunflowerpots #9
I requested. *I'm definitely excited*
jenmarenchenjihae #10
I requested, it was quite hard.
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