IN MY DREAM

Both of us only existed in my dream

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.......

I opened my eyes. And again, it was mere a dream. Honestly, I was tired of this dream. When would it stop? The dream wasn’t always particularly same, but the person whom appeared in the dream was always same. Did he not have his own dream and decided to play in mine? Did he think it was fun? I didn’t know that I should be miserable or ecstatic but obviously, I was the miserable one.

I was still sleepy. With my conscious that hadn’t been fully recovered, I got up from my warm, cozy bed and staggered to open the window. The sunlight was not bothered me this morning. Obviously, this is winter. But I think it wouldn’t be snowing again here since the winter would end soon. Ah, it was already the third winter but the content of my dream hadn’t changed. God, could you replace the actor in my dreams? Tell him to stop bothering my dream, my world? Get out of him if he was only in my dream.

I had been through this for three years, but the feeling stayed same. It was tiring but I didn’t have control over my own body reaction. I always did this stupid thing over and over again, included today. I would walk into the courtyard of the theater, silently looking for him, when I already found him I would stare at him for at least 10 seconds until he realized that someone was watching –or more like creeping-over him, and I would run away. I was the most pathetic woman in this world, and I couldn’t comprehend this.

We were a third year students majoring in modern music, and we joined the same orchestra team. Our team would perform at this concert called Farewell, Winter that would be held one month from now. Both of us played violin. I wanted to cry the first time I heard it, what a coincidence.

And my daily stupidity repeated again this afternoon. We were scheduled to practice at 4pm. When I arrived at the theater, my friends were practicing with their own instruments. I walked closer to them, went to the stage with anticipation. This was not fun, I felt like a thief who was sneaking to a rich neighborhood. I walked and looked around uneasily. I felt like my heart would jump immediately.

“Hi!” I jumped while holding my breath. No, it was not him. I was just too tensed and it made me reacted a little too much. Gladly, I didn’t have heart disease so there was nothing to worry about. That was my friend, Hyerin. She was a master of the piano, also a bright and beautiful girl with doe eyes and innocent smile. She could play almost all the instruments of music. Me?? I only played violin and piano. I wondered why Hyerin didn’t go to audition and became an idol trainee instead? Her voice was also pretty good. But what made me envy her was her charm. She was like the center of the solar system in our team. That was inevitable, she was popular in campus. Hyerin had always been paired with all the men who were also well-known in campus, including that damn man who liked to disturb my dream. That didn’t make me envy her, actually. This girl was very kind-hearted. She would listen to people’s long talk and responded well which I was not that great of. I hated to listen to people’s complain. I walked beside her. She had been holding my arm since I went up to stage earlier. “Do you want to practice together?” She offered with a smile plastered on her face. It was beautiful, no wonder she had many fans.

“Hmm... Sure.” I pulled my violin out of the bag as Hyerin prepared herself in front of the piano. “Already memorize the song?” I asked hesitantly. She nodded firmly and asked me the same thing. Of course I already knew by heart, I loved the song. I even jumped for joy when I knew we were going to play this song. She started the song intro. Piano intro was around 30 seconds and then I played my part, slightly proud that I was the first one to play solo in this song. I was playing seriously until I saw him coming from the end of the stage. That was him.

Mark Tuan.

Suddenly time seemed to stop and my heart stopped beating for a second. I tore my eyes off him hastily, turned to the piano and lifted my violin immediately.

And here is it, if I and the instrument had been fused, I wouldn’t be bothered by the world around me. The strains of piano and violin blended beautifully calmed me down. Nothing was more relaxing than music. In my ears, all of this was perfection. Dynamics, timbre, rhythm, articulation, everything was perfect. Although it was only me and Hyerin playing, the song was still sounded magnificent. We added some improvisation that sounds extreme among tones dip, made me like being on a roller coaster. It was not planned, but we could play it well.

When we finished playing, I realized that people were paying attention to us. I didn’t used to be the center of attention here. But it was not me, in fact, they praised the pianist. Her dynamics was perfect. She could press the piano keys with extreme caution in the middle of sixteenth rhythm notes. I admitted that her ability in playing piano was one level above me, so I wasn’t elected to fill the pianist position.

I took my bag and went to my place immediately. I looked forward and it seemed people were busy to persuade Mark to have a duet with Hyerin. I didn’t know what happened but instead of playing with Hyerin, Mark took his position next to me and without further ado or bothered himself to acknowledge my presence, he played his violin.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The same stage, only I sat in the pianist chair. I couldn’t describe my feelings right now. Thrilled, excited. I was playing Fur Elise. I loved the history behind this song. Beethoven composed this song for Therese Malfatti whom married another man before Beethoven proposed marriage to her. When the first three notes of the song combined, it would form E-Eb (pronounced as s) -E, ESE of Therese. Whether the story was true or not, I was amazed by the deaf pianist- Ludwig Van Beethoven.

Suddenly someone sat next to me and cut off my performance arbitrarily. Moonlight Sonata, another work of Beethoven. That man, Mark, played with his eyes closed soulfully. He pressed the piano keys somewhat exaggerated in some parts, pressed the sustain pedal with his foot without lifting it again. It was dramatic, like the cry of someone frustrated. I was shocked, kind of remembered the meaning of this song, almost like fantasy. Not bedtime stories kind of fantasy, but trying to make it happen was tantamount to dreaming. It was about despair. I was shocked.

“Why.... Moonlight Sonata?” I ventured to ask, pressing my pride to the lowest point. I didn’t look at him, I didn’t dare. He was silent. Suddenly he stopped playing, and then he held my hand.

After that all of it disappeared, replaced by the deafening sound of my phone ringtone. Who was that people whom dare to disturb my sleep!?

“Hello...” My voice didn’t come out perfectly. Obviously, I just came back from that damn dream. “Okay... Yes...” Beyond my control, my phone just slipped from my weak grasp. I rolled to the other side of my bed and stretched. Well... Damn, boy! He continued to haunt me in my dreams. Such a coward man, he dared to bother me only in my dreams. Today’s practice would not be any different from the other days. There wouldn’t be any direct communication although I and Mark got two minutes violin duet part for the last song. Until the doomsday came there wouldn’t likely any communication between us. He wouldn’t bother to see me whom wasn’t better than him, the violin master.

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When I came to the theater, my gaze directly fixed to the grand piano. I went to the piano reluctantly. The chair was empty, the pianist hadn’t come yet. The black piano looked so elegant, so charming, stand imperious with an opened hood. I was interested to occupy the chair, it was different from my seat. There was only one chair like this on the stage. The person who was sitting here was the most proficient in the field. I was interested to press the keys.... and without realizing, I was already playing Fur Elise perfectly. Regardless of weird stares of people who felt disturbed because I wasn’t stepping the soft pedal, or known as una corda- so the sound would slightly dim. I didn’t really care, this song was not long anyway.

I played with my heart pounding, hoping that suddenly there was someone sitting next to me and playing Moonlight Sonata. I really wanted to know the answer why he played that song, because Moonlight Sonata was full of despair and disappointment. But in reality, until I finished playing Fur Elise, nothing happened. Indeed, the dream should remain in the dream world, not transformed into reality. I set overly high expectation, in end I was the one who played Moonlight Sonata, dissolved in my own despair. I was so pathetic. I had a brilliant real world, why would I deal with mere dreams?

Today’s practice was heavier than few days ago. I, who got a solo violin was pretty much continuously getting shouted at by the conductor whom felt my performance was not good enough. My neck was already aching. Mark, who incidentally was also violinist who got a harder solo part than I, didn’t get a single complaint. Although his facial expression was flat, completely illegible. His feelings poured in the pulsating tune of stringed fiddle. I didn’t dare to look at him throughout our intensive practice. I talked a little. The conductor himself who gave the cue when we should start and what part that didn’t feel right. There was no meaningful interaction until the end of practice, just like what already happened before.

The awaited day finally came. All of orchestra members felt tense. How didn’t I? I thought the concert was just a regular concert, until the conductor- who was also the chairman of the department in my university- announced that our test scores would be taken from the concert. After long nights of practicing, desperately playing the music instruments until midnight with sleepy eyes, here was the day when all our efforts would be shown. Our dress code for today was black, typical orchestra concert. I was ready with my violin.

“Nervous?” Someone patted my shoulder, I turned around. Oh, it was Hyerin. I nodded curtly. Obviously, I was nervous. This concert also determined my graduation this semester! Playing solo at a concert like this, I felt like carrying a very heavy burden. I asked her back and she just shrugged, trying to look more confident as possible so I didn’t become more nervous. She was the only pianist, but I was not the only violinist. “Don’t be nervous! You are cool, you know?” I shook my head. I was nothing compared to her! She just chuckled and patted me on the shoulder, then went away. I looked down, playing the violin strings, strumming it as if it was one of the stringed musical instruments. People around me were encouraging each other. I just smiled when people were encouraging me. I peered toward the stage. I could hear the crowded from behind the curtains. I thought I was going to throw up. I need water.

I gulped a full bottle of mineral water, it helped me decreasing my nervousness. At time like this, I wished it was not me who got the front row of the orchestra. . I was too busy with my own thoughts and didn’t realize that there was someone standing next to me, peered along toward the stage. I was so surprised when I looked at that person. It was Mark, so handsome with black tux. His blonde hair was pushed back. He looked so calm, gentle, and... benign? I felt my heart stopped beating for a second, and then beating crazily all of sudden. God!!!

“We can do it, right?” I still looked surprised- maybe a little bit stupid, as he looked... Nervous? Awkward? Because his gazed went all over the place like he was having a hard time talking to me. No, I didn’t want to think about it. I nodded weakly, still staring at him in shock.

“Of course, we have been practicing like crazy. I hope all goes well.” He looked at me in the eyes, smiled and nodded. I felt like flying. He was talking to me? I thought this would never happen! My energy was fully charged now!! It was like a dream, but it was real. Yes, this was real!! I was going to play well, it seemed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

One month already passed since the concert was over. Everything was back to normal, back to the original position. Nothing significant happened during the three weeks since the concert. Small conversation that night between me and Mark didn’t mean anything. It was just braggadocio fellow the team members, just like the others. But every second of the conversation still left meaningful marks in my heart. Even remembering it now not only made my heart beating uncontrollably, but also thousands of butterflies were dancing in my stomach. This felt odd, and tiring.

I was sitting in class, the rearmost row, completely ignoring the lecturer whom was explaining about whatever it was. This was my last week in campus before I left for Vienna. I got a scholarship which I submitted few months ago. I would be studying in Vienna for approximately one year. I couldn’t wait to be right there, immersing myself along with music and left the life which was almost chaotic right here. One year was probably not a long time, but I got a lot of valuable experience there. Maybe if I was lucky enough, I could play at the Vienna State Opera. Or became part of one of the orchestra there and didn’t return home. Hah.

Professor Kim finished his boring lectures and swaggered out of the auditorium, followed by several students. I caught a glimpse of Mark, sitting in the front row along with some of his friends that was preparing to leave the room. He was carrying his violin bag on his right shoulder, punching one of his friend’s arm and stepped out of the room together. Of course, without bothering to look at the back row. For what? I sighed and left the room. One day passed with the same pain, almost numb.

Time flies, I definitely agree. Today was the day of my departure to Vienna after spending last week with paperwork, farewell parties with my family and some friends, and finishing all the assignments. I sat alone at the airport. I rejected everyone’s offers to take me to the airport because they would repeat the same farewell and I didn’t like it. I would be back next year, after all. Winter hadn’t completely left the city. I looked through the café’s window, looking at the crowds while waiting for my departure in 4 hours. The check in counter hadn’t opened yet, so I was waiting at the café with my luggage and my violin. I took a very late night flight and I didn’t want to wander in street alone.

The sound of violin filled my eardrums through the tiny headset that was already leaning neatly in my both senses of hearing. The sound of violin accompanied by piano competed with the information sound, plus the cold air that swept my skin, and dark gloomy night without stars hanging in the sky made my feelings a bit mixed. I didn’t want to think about anything right now. I was so tired. One more pressure could make me cry now, just like a time bomb waiting to explode. A dream that had been haunting me was ingrained. This was more terrible than being haunted by a spooky creature for a lifetime. I took a deep breath. I had golden opportunity laying in a silver platter right in front of my eyes but it felt like a mere shadow just because of.... love. Just thinking about it made me shudder in fear. No, I shouldn’t continue being like this. I had to forget that damn man, live properly in Vienna, and join a community there. Hell yeah, girl!

“Oh my God! You are here! I’ve been looking for you since this afternoon. Oh, Lord!! I think something happened to you!! Why did you turn off your cell phone!!?” I turned around, then shocked, really shocked. I couldn’t believe what I saw. Perhaps all of this madness made me hallucinates too. I have to go to psychiatrist, it seemed. How could Mark Tuan stand in front of me, panting from running, eyes glinting between anger and... worried?? And still handsome as ever. “Are you okay??” I pinched my arm. Gosh, that hurt. Oh my God!! Why was Mark Tuan here?

“Why are you here?” The question flew just like that. I still couldn’t believe my eyes. His eyebrows furrowed. Oh my God I wanted to cry!

“Our plane will depart in 4 hours and I had been looking for you since forever! God damn it what were you thinking?!” He pulled his hair in frustration. Wait, what did he say? Our plane? Us- me and him? “I thought you cancel your flight to Vienna.” I blinked. Was he crazy? I cancelled my flight? What in the world?

“Wait Mark, I don’t understand.” I caught my breath, trying to arrange all pieces of this puzzle that suddenly ruffled in front of my own eyes. “I have been here since an hour ago, and no, I don’t cancel my flight to Vienna....” And then all of this was explained clearly in my head. I was not the only one who would go to Vienna, that rumor aired everyday in the corner of every corridors like a wind. I knew that there were two people whom got the scholarship, but I never tried to look for the other one as I was busy with the concert preparation and my classes. I didn’t know of that until this second that... Oh my God. My lips quivered, numb. Then he sat down beside me and hugged me tightly. I stared in surprise. “What-“

“Hush.” I froze. This damn man, who came into my dream every night, was holding me close right now. He placed his hand in my head and the other hand in my waist. He held me so close of him, so gentle yet so strong. It just happened, my tears spilled just like that. I applied for a scholarship to Vienna to forget this man, but now he would go with me. It was all useless. Why destiny always toying me? Aware of this madness, I pushed, releasing myself from his arms. He pulled my arm before I managed to reach my luggage.

“Please, I want to go.” But his grip became stronger.

“Do you know that I was looking for you like a crazy since this afternoon?” His grip was not too loose, not too weak. His eyes were sharp, there was something there that scared me and made me guilty, too intimidating. This kind of emotion was new to me. This was something that he usually conveyed through his violin. “I called your house but they said you were gone since this afternoon. I went to campus, running through this terminal back and forth but you didn’t show up as well. Your phone is off and you have nobody to accompany you.” Then he closed his eyes, took a deep breath and he massaged his forehead. “God damn it, what were you thinking? I think something bad happened to you.” He said softly, but strangely scary.

“Funny.” I scoffed. I was surprised to hear my own voice. I was in verge of crying, this foreign feeling was already burst unpalatable. “Do you think I know that you also go to Vienna? Who are you to rant and casually snapped at me here? In public place?” I said to him, emphasizing every word. This is not a conversation that I wanted. Mark seemed to realize that this place was not the best place to argue.

“Bring your suitcase and violin.” He still glared at me although I didn’t understand why he was that mad at me. It was not my fault! I quickly grabbed my luggage and my violin as he brought his belongings too. He didn’t give a chance for me to disappear from his sight. Luckily, everyone seemed dissolved with their own affairs. Nobody bothered to glance at us.

Mark took me outside, to a quieter place. The cool breeze caressed my skin. He told me to sit while he himself looked so confused and lost. I wanted to shout at him for ordering me around. But it was not his fault that I was so mired deep into his charm. He sat next to me, his eyes fixed on plane that was flying above us.

“I am not good at telling stories, and we don’t have much time,” he said resignedly. I closed my eyes for a moment, too tired to cry. Perhaps he secretly laughing at me, who had been acting like a fool. “I am sorry.” He turned to look at me, his eyes were friendlier. I wonder what he was thinking. “I know you hate me.” I frowned.

“What?” Yes, I hate him with all my might because he was always there wherever I was. I wanted to escape to the other side of the world and he would definitely be there.

“Please, listen to me.” I was silent, decided to be a good listener. “I don’t know when it started, maybe since the first time we met? When I almost hit you with my skateboard and broke your violin?” I remembered that day. Mark was riding skateboard in the hallway when he almost hit me but he grabbed my violin instead, and smashed it to the wall to prevent him from injury. He awkwardly apologized and two days after that, he bought me the same violin. I chuckled how stupid that moment was. I didn’t even remember how I started liking this man beside me. “It was an expensive violin but you asked me whether I was okay or not.  Since then, I have to know everything about you so I joined the orchestra. Until one day, I assumed, you know that I had been interested in you and you hate it. So I applied for the scholarship with the intention to disappear from your life. I didn’t expect to get it anyway, there are a lot of people who is more competent than me.” Mark chuckled and smiled a bit, recalling the past. “I really believe that you hate me because you didn’t talk to me during all those concert practices. I tried really hard to match your playing because you are so good, and I really wanted to be paired with you.” He sighed briefly. I saw the other side of this man. Mark talked, to me, more than one word. And all the sentences he uttered pierced my heart. “You seem so hate me but... Our performance back then said another thing. I am so sure that our music blended well, we had same emotions. A lot of people said that to me but you made me hesitate.”

“Mark....” I couldn’t hold myself from crying. Was he confessing his feelings for me? Was he kidding? I thought he was the one who hate me!

“When the scholarship announcement came out, and both of our names listed there, it scared me. I was so afraid you will hate me even more.”

“I am sorry, I didn’t know.”

“I assumed you didn’t want to see me.” I sighed. Mark, this man doubted himself too much. I had been thinking that he was a cool guy who didn’t even glance at my existence in this world. We were both a fool. “But I promised myself to at least be truthful with you before we leave. I will accept your answer and reaction to everything but you made it even harder. You shut me down, you are scaring me because you just disappeared all day long today. I knew something is bothering your mind. I was panic because I couldn’t find you. Sorry if I surprised you.”

I was silent, trying to absorb everything that he said. My heart was pounding, loud, almost out of my ribcages. He told me that he was interested in me? What did I hear? Was he teasing me?

“Are you mocking me?” He blinked, confused. I sighed. “I hate you. I really hate you.” His gaze turned... desperate? “I hate you because you are always there wherever I am, even in my dreams. I hate myself, why have I been thinking of someone who isn’t even aware of my presence for three years and closing my heart for other people? Until this moment, I still hate you because you said that you want to go out of my life.” I cried again. Damn, tears why didn’t you stop? I was so going to sleep during the flight to Vienna later. “Coward. I thought you didn’t even know that I breathe the same air as yours. It hurts.” All the words that had been hanging on my lips finally came out. He seemed hesitated but he grabbed me in his arms, and I didn’t hesitate to cry there. It was like finding the right place.

“I’m sorry.... I’m so sorry.” I didn’t know what happened here. Why did I cry? Why did I like him so much? He was never here with me but when he said he wanted to disappear.... it hurt. My thoughts jumbled but I felt relieved. Then he looked at me, he wiped my tears with his fingers. “Stop crying. Everything will be alright from now on.” My eyes met his, he looked so sincere. I wouldn’t believe it if someone told me before that Mark liked me, but now... He grabbed my face gently, and then what he said made my breath stopped for a few milliseconds before I hugged him back while he was kissing my temple. And another kiss on the lips.

“I love you, I really do.”

“I love you too, Mark. I really do.”

And I was here, in Vienna, walking while carrying my violin bag on my right hand, while the other hand was holding the hand of the man who had always been in my dreams. This time was not a dream, this was real. It turned out that waiting was not that bad if in the end, this romance story that was full of coincidence had a wonderful ending.

Hello, readers!! Thank you so much for reading this story ^^

I didn't give the female character name because I feel like leaving her nameless....  And beside I wrote everything in first person point of view.

I actually felt a bit weird writing Mark as a violist but... whatever. Just imagined he played violin with black tuxedo on stage.

Do leave your thoughts below!!

Until then ^^