The sound of the wind in the trees outside of your apartment window caused you to shift in and out of unconsciousness long before your boyfriend opened the bedroom door. The lack of sleep from the past several nights added to the restlessness, making you wake up for a bit and toss and turn before falling back into a light level of sleep. Slowly the cycle would repeat; it had been this way since you had tried to go to bed at ten ‘o clock, and was persisting now at a quarter till three in the morning.

 

When Jiho finally arrived home, you could tell he was trying to be quiet for your sake, but he had never been the most graceful. The moment the key entered the lock, it was a nonstop barrage of noises. Most people probably would have been woken up when Jiho entered a room, but when you were on a normal sleep schedule very few things could stir you from your slumber. One instance in particular you remembered was in a hotel room. You had started to snore, and to get you to stop your boyfriend threw a pillow at you. It had apparently worked, but the next morning you were surprised to find an extra pillow on your side of the bed, blissfully unaware of the warfare that had occurred the night before.

 

Even though you were awake, you lay still as he crept into the bedroom. Your eyes lay open a tiny crack and you watched him take off his shoes, sweater, and jeans before climbing in bed next to you. Jiho sat there for a moment staring at his girlfriend, your hair beautifully swept across the pillow and your hand softly gripping the sheets a little tighter every time the wind picked up outside.

 

You let him rest there for a few seconds before whispering “Hey.”

 

Startled, Jiho sunk down into the bed and placed his hand on your cheek. “Hey, sorry, did I wake you?” he asked, speaking in a delicate whisper, afraid to break the precious bubble that surrounded the two of you.

 

“No, I’ve been in and out of sleep all night. The wind isn’t helping.”

 

“Again? I’m sorry _____. Maybe it will get better soon.  I hate seeing you so miserable like this.” He pulled you closer to him and pressed his lips to yours. The subtle sweetness of mascato wine still lingered on his tongue and you caught a slight hint of pure sugar in the form of frosting on his lips.

 

“It’s okay Jiho. Did you enjoy the party?” you asked, looking up into the eyes that so many found cold and harsh, but where you only found warmth and love.

 

Chuckling, he said “It was pretty good. The managers and CEOs all seemed proud of us. They had quite a spread laid out for us too. But I wish you had been there to celebrate with us.”

 

A sigh escaped your lips. “Yeah, I’m sorry I had to miss too. But work is just everything out of me right now.”

 

“Tell you what, once both of us finish our ‘projects’, we’ll take a vacation, okay?” Jiho whispered into your hair. Feeling you nod, he let out a laugh and said, “All right my little workaholic, we need our beauty sleep. Go to bed.”

 

Jiho turned himself on his side so his bare chest was facing you, his left arm stretching across your frame. Your left arm was curled under your pillow, supporting your head, and your right hand rested on your boyfriend’s chest.

 

You tried for another ten minutes to clear your mind and get to sleep, but nothing seemed to be working. Since Jiho was here you didn’t want to toss and turn the way you had before, so instead you entertained yourself by lightly tracing the words of your boyfriend’s chest tattoo.

 

“_____, that tickles,” Jiho said without opening his eyes.

 

“Sorry,” you said, pulling your hand back for a second before reaching back out and placing your palm flat against the center of his chest.

 

“Still can’t sleep?” he asked, peeking at you through one eye.

 

“Yeah,” you sighed, reluctant to make eye contact. Jiho knew you so well he could almost figure out what was bugging you before you even knew it yourself.

 

“Okay, what’s the matter? Something’s troubling you, I can tell.”

 

You rubbed your hand across your face in an attempt to relieve some tension from your body before placing it back on his chest. “I don’t know, Jiho. There’s just so much going through my mind and I can’t figure out how to turn it off…”

 

“Like what?” he asked, clearly confused by your meaning.

 

“Like… Well, crap… You know, do you ever… Think about what your life could have been like? If something had happened, or didn’t happen??”  You struggled to find the words to express your exact feelings on the subject.

 

“Yeah, like what would have happened if I hadn’t become a rapper? All the time.” A chuckle escaped Jiho’s mouth.

 

“That. Like that. But somehow also… Darker?” In an attempt to avoid meeting your boyfriend’s eyes, you began to trace his tattoos once more.

 

“What do you mean, _____?”

 

“Like… What if… Someone had died or something. And you had never met them. And you just can’t help but wonder what you would be like without them.”

 

You could see Jiho’s face contort into a thoughtful frown. “Well I’ve certainly thought about what my life would be like if I’d never met some people. But I’ve never gone so far as to think about if someone had died before I met them or anything like that.”

 

“Really? Because I do all the damn time,” you said, and the tears you had been unknowingly holding back burst forth at that moment.

 

“Hey… Hey, sssshhhh. Sh sh sh sh,” Jiho said, wrapping you in his arms tighly. “God, _____, are you okay? Who are you worried about losing so much?”

 

“I’m sorry, Jiho… I… I-I-I didn’t mean to worry you.” You sniffled and tried to rub your tears away, but the sobs kept wracking your body.

 

“Hey, tell me what’s wrong. I’m here. Take as long as you need.” Your boyfriend pulled you closer to him as the water rolled down your face.

 

After a few seconds you had managed to calm yourself down enough that you could talk. For a third time you absentmindedly traced the letters on his chest with your index finger. “I just… Do you ever think about your heart?”

 

A small frown crossed Jiho’s face. “What do you mean? Like spiritually or physically?”

 

“Physically,” you mumbled. “You know, with your surgery and everything.” You recalled his story of how he had to have surgery for a heart condition when he was extremely young and tightened your grip on him a bit. Your palm rested flat against the left side of his chest, on top of the portrait of his mother. The faint rhythm of his heartbeat could be felt underneath, and you felt a shudder of relief and fear ripple through your body.

 

“Hmm, I really can’t say I do. At least not since I was a kid. It’s something that happened that is in the past and there doesn’t seem to be any side effects from it. Why?”

 

“I think about it. A lot.”

 

Jiho tilted your head with his hand so he could look you in the eyes better. “Really _____? Why are you so worried about it?”

 

Your eyes met his briefly before glancing away. “I don’t know. It just pops up sometimes. I just can’t help but wonder what things would be like if…. If you hadn’t been able to have the surgery, or if things had gone wrong. What if you weren’t here now? What if things had gone wrong? What if I’d never met you?? I-…” Your voice trailed off, afraid to contemplate where you would be. You could feel the tears building up behind your eyes once again.

 

“_____, listen to me. Yes, it’s a scary proposition, but it didn’t happen. I’m alive now, I’m real, and I’m here for as long as you need. You’re not gonna lose me. Do you understand that?”

 

You nodded against his hand. “I’m sorry, Jiho. You’ve just helped me so much these past few years, but sometimes the old thoughts creep in and they lead me down dark paths. I can’t help it. Thank you for continuing to help me. I know I can be a handful.” You smiled up at your boyfriend through the veil of tears that still clouded your eyes.

 

“Ah, see, you might be a handful, but you’re my handful,” Jiho said, before leaning forward to rub his nose against yours in an Eskimo kiss. “And I’m gonna hold on to you so tight nothing will be able to blow you away from me. Got it??” His thumb wiped away a stray tear that leaked onto your cheek.

 

“Got it,” you said, laughing a little bit. You pressed your face into the warmth of his bare chest and muttered a “Thank you.”

 

“I love you, ______. You don’t have to worry about anything. Except what you’re going to do tomorrow to help me celebrate the end of promotions. So I suggest you get some sleep or it will be a long day.” He gently adjusted himself so he could press your lips to his one last time before leaning back into the pillows.

 

“Thank you. I love you too Jiho,” you whispered to him. Your hand trembled slightly above his chest, still unsure of everything that had been said the past few minutes.

 

“Here,” Jiho said. He carefully laid his hand across yours, pressing it closer to his heart as the beating began to lull you to sleep, “That way you know it’s still there beating for you.”