I have told people that I have changed, I have told them that I am not the pure Seohyun anymore, I mean, yes, I’ve dated. But, I still can’t figure out about my love life. It’s really complicated for me, and no one seemed to understand my story.

JungYonghwa, the very first man who introduced me to the term of love. The one who told me the difference between like and love, although he might be unsure at that time. He, the one who slowly opened my heart to the unknown and indifference world named Love. He, who was very patient in guiding me and very persistent in  pursuing me until finally I could really open my heart to man. And he, who finally become my very first love. But, He, also the one who hurt me, who confused me, and still be one of my weakness. Because he is my first love.

We are no longer a couple anymore, but we still love each other, at least that is what I believe. After 3 years of dating, in early 2015 he started to pull himself out. He changed. From really choding and clingy, to a more cautious and reserved. His choding level when he was with me was also decreased a lot. I don’t know if it has connection with the leaked video of our interaction at KBS Gayo backstage, but yeah, he changed. From a person who always nag me to tell him every story of my live, who always tell me whatever happen in his life even it was just a very trivia matter, to a stranger who never tell me anything unless I asked him first nor ask me what am I doing. It hurts me so much when I remember that we used to talk till dawn, conversing about really important matters to lame jokes. We always had things to talk, from our heart, our future, our schedule, our complain to the company, our problems with colleagues, gossips, until a game like go-gu-ma game. But now, we never talk unless we met, and we still chatting in katalk but it were really hard to keep the conversation going. He once told me when I called him “I am sorry, I know that I changed. It is just, I don’t know. It is just me. I changed the whole me, it is not your fault, I did this to others too, I found it is hard to approach people now, I feel uncomfortable, and I just want to keep all things for myself”. He said that, and I hate myself who couldn’t do anything about this, I can’t even console him or anything. And that time I was just shut my mouth until he said “Hyun, are you still there?” “Oh, uh” I said. Then he just said. “Sorry if you are shock. Okay, let’s talk another time. I should do my makeup done”. I really hate these facts.

I suddenly remember the time when I cried hard in my bedroom after I read his old messages after our breakup. Oh, did I just say break up? I don’t know how to describe this. After almost a year we grew apart, he told me that he couldn’t keep this relationship anymore. He didn’t want to hurt me, he said. He didn’t want to be in romance relationship for a while, he want to focus on his career. He said all of them when I just start thinking of our future, our happy after-marriage time. Yes, I’ve considered marrying him. What a shock. Nappeun neom. But I can’t really angry with him, because he is my first love.

Note : This is actually the first chapter I wrote (a drabble), but I decided to add some stories before and affer

Next is the break up conversation