September 16th, 2015

Well I guess this is going to be my first diary entry.  Today my mom pulled me from school to go see a therapist.  Apparently I suffer from depression.  I guess that would come as a side effect of the constant bullying.  Stupid, evil Oh Sehun and his little posse!  Anyway, Dr Huang, or Tao as he wants me to call him, wants me to write in a diary as often as I can.  Yeah, we'll see how that goes.  I really don't want to do this, but mom is making me.  


September 18th, 2015 

Ya know, people always tell you high school is supposed to be the best time of your life.  Let me tell you about the reality.  My reality.  Today I went to school.  I'm only 2 weeks in to my 10th grade year and I already hate this Hell hole even more than I did last year.  Like usual, at the start of everyday, I met friends at the big tree outside our school.  How I got mixed up with two buffoons like Park Chanyeol and Byun Baekhyun, I may never know.  But they are seriously some of the best friends a guy could have.  We walked into the school and for the first time in forever, I felt a little happy.  I was beginning to think 'happy' was an emotion I may never feel again.  The guys had to leave for class, though and I had to stop at my locker.  The hallway was empty because everyone rushed to class after the bell rang.  I liked the quiet.  It was calm and refreshing.  But just like my happiness, it did not last for long.  It never does.  Before I could even get to my locker, a pair of hands grabbed me and shoved me against the wall.

"Out of my way, Do!" 

That cold, uncaring voice belonged to none other than Oh Sehun.  That bastard had me pinned up against the wall, pain still radiating up my spine after the impact.  Eventually he did let me go.  That is after he gave a black eye.  Oh how the whole school loved to make fun of the poor, wimpy kid who can't stand up for himself.  And this is just a glimpse at what my everyday life is like.  You think this is bad? Just wait and see.


September 19th, 2015

Saturday.  Most kids my age love Saturdays because there's no school and they can be free to do as they please.  Me? No.  I love Saturdays because I don't have to face the humiliation of my weekday life.  But not this Saturday.  This one is different.  Every so often I have to have a Saturday where I'm obligated to spend time with Baekhyun and Chanyeol.  Like I said before, they're the best friends I could ever have, but they just don't understand.  They don't know what it's like to wake up everyday feeling the dead weight of life on your shoulders.  They don't even know I was diagnosed with depression  They are always so happy and carefree.  I didn't want to ruin that.  Honestly, I don't even know why they would want to hang out with me to begin with.  But nonetheless they did talk me into joining them at Jongdae's party tonight.  I really don't want to go, but Dr Tao says it would be good for me to spend time with friends outside of school.  Ughhhhhh......here goes nothing.

 

September 20th, 2015

I did wind up going to the party last night.  I got beat up.  What else could I have expected?  As crazy as it seems, it may have actually been a good choice to go to the party.  Jongdae is an ok kid.  A bit of a troll, but he's never done anything to me.  He invited some of his friends from his dance class.  Yixing and Luhan were both really cool guys.  They were out dancing with Baek and Yeol when Sehun showed up.  You could tell he was already drunk and angry that he wasn't invited.  So who does he decide to take his anger out on? Me of course! Everyone around was too buzzed to notice when Sehun dragged me into the bathroom and started punching me. His words are still wringing in my head.

"Useless, worthless, ugly, fat, unwanted." 

After he left, my head was spinning.  So I sat down on the toilet seat cover with a towel over my bloody nose.  I leaned back against the wall.  Things were spinning so fast.  I just wanted the darkness to come.  But the darkness never came.  Only a very bright light lit up the room as the bathroom door opened up.  And I don't mean a literal light.  I mean a person so bright that he could blind the person standing next to him.  I can remember his sweet voice asking me if I was ok.  I can remember his soft hands gently cleaning up the bloody mess on my face.  I don't know his name, but I'm pretty sure he's an angel sent from Heaven.

September 29th, 2015

Hello again, diary.  I guess it's been a little while since I last wrote in you.  I guess I just forgot.  Lots on my mind with school and stuff.  Mom already wants me to start planning ahead for university.  I'm barely staying afloat through high school.  There's no way I'll be able to make through university.  I can still hear Sehun's voice taunting me in my my head.  It's a constant reminder of how useless I am.  Sadly, I haven't seen the mystery boy since Jongdae's party.  Jongdae had no idea who I was talking about when I asked him the next day.  Poor boy drank way too much alcohol to remember much of anything.  I'm starting to think I imagined the angel boy.  I was slightly buzzed and very dizzy after getting beaten up.  Besides, nobody is that perfect.  And even if he was real, why would he help me?


October 20th, 2015

It's been a month since Jongdae's party.  I was totally convinced that I had just imagined the mystery boy.  Today was such a bad day, diary.  The weight of the world was so heavy on my shoulders.  I can't take it.  I wish he were real.  I wish he was here.  I'm sitting on the roof of the school right now.  I just needed to get away.  I needed to be alone to cry.  I can't keep this up.  I'm so alone.


October 30th, 2015

Sometimes I can see miracles in this clouded mind of mine.  And like a miracle, he descended on me again.  Today, Sehun found me in the men's room.  He and his friends thought it would be funny to shove my head into the toilet.  They just kept doing it over and over again.  Taking my head and shoving it into the water.  I thought I might die.  I thought I might drown.  And it was terrifying.  But just as soon as it started, it stopped.  I could hear a voice.  A voice I had been hoping to hear again for so long now.  He was here.  Mystery man was here to rescue me.  When I opened my eyes, it was like Heaven blessed me again, diary.  There he stood.  He was real and here defending me.  Even scaring Sehun off.  And when he looked at me, my heart beat faster than it had when I was drowning.

"Are you alright?" he asked me.
My voice was raspy and I was still shaking, so I could only nod in response.
"Weren't you the same boy from Jongdae's party?"
"Y-yes."
"You shouldn't let him pick on you like that." he stated but I didn't respond. "Look, my name is Kim Jongin.  I just transferred here.  What's your name?"
"Do Kyungsoo."
"Well it's nice to meet you, Kyungsoo.  And like I said, you shouldn't let him bully you." And with that Kim Jongin walked out of the bathroom.


November 28th, 2015

Diary, I have definitely met an angel.  I don't know how he does it, but Kim Jongin made me smile.  Not the fake smiles I'm used to displaying to the rest of the world.  A real, genuine smile.  Ever since he stopped Sehun from shoving my head in the toilet, he's been right there.  Always by my side.  Always asking if I'm ok.  I think his favorite game is trying to make me smile.  He can see right through all those other fake smiles.  And for the first time, he succeeded in getting a genuine smile out of me.  No one can make me smile for real.  Why did I smile, you ask? Jongin, my knight in shining armor, and I went on our second date.  We walked the beach.  He held my hand and told me he liked spending time with me.  He said  I'm not useless or worthless.  

"Do Kyungsoo! Why on Earth would you think you're worthless?"
"Because everyone thinks so." I stared at the sand passing under my bare feet.
"Because everyone thinks so, or because Sehun told you so?"  Jongin sighed. "Listen Kyungsoo.  You are not worthless.  You are not useless.  Not to Baekhyun.  Not to Chanyeol.  And certainly not to me.  You have no idea how much brighter you've made my days since I first met you."
"I highly doubt that, Jongin." I scoffed.
 
Jongin stopped dead in his tracks.  He pulled me around to face him.  I noticed how glossy his eyes were.  As if he were about to cry.  His hands lightly caressed my cheeks.

"Kyungsoo, I want to show you that you are loved."

And then he pulled me into a kiss.  It was slow and sweet.  It was beautiful and better than I could imagine.  My heart beat faster than humanly possible.  Kim Jongin, the angel from Heaven, had kissed me.  And that is why I smiled.  For the first time in so long, I felt loved.  I feel like I'm holding a magic star in my pocket.  Every hard moment in my life has led me to this.  And it was worth it.  Getting to see Jongin's smile makes everyday worth living.


September 19th, 2016

Wow it has been so long since I last wrote in this.  More than a year now.  I had forgotten about this diary until Jongin found it in my closet this morning.  It's 9:30 PM now and he is asleep on my bed.  So here I am, sitting at my desk, writing in this diary.  I just looked back at my previous entries.  It's amazing how just one year can change a person.  A year ago, Sehun was a bully.  He was cold and mean.  About three months ago, he came up to me and apologized for everything he had ever done to me.  He's gone to another school now, but he texts me every now and then just to see how I'm doing.  Baekhyun and Chanyeol are still my best friends.  They felt bad when they finally found out about my depression and what was happening between me and Sehun.  I never told them because I didn't want to worry them.  As for me, back then I was feeling depressed, unloved, and unwanted.  And now as I look back at Jongin, he was the one who saved me.  I'm happier than I ever thought I could be.  He shows me everyday just how much he loves me.  He reminds me that he wants me.  He always tells me that I'm his everything.  Somedays are harder than others.  My depression is still there.  Somedays I can't bring myself to get out of bed.  But I am blessed to always have Jongin by my side.  I know I can trust him.  And that is why I want to leave this diary with him.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jongin and I have been together for about five years now.  Everyday, I love to wake up to Jongin's beautiful sleeping face.  How lucky was I to wake up to that everyday? But today there was no Jongin.  Only a paper heart with a note that said to meet him at the beach where we kissed for the first time.  What did this boy have up his sleeve? 

I arrived at the beach 30 minutes later and followed a trail of arrows that were drawn into the sand.  There at the end, stood Jongin who was beside a picnic basket.  My Jongin.  A grin spread across my face as I closed the distance between the two of us.  He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me lovingly.

"Jongin, why are we here?" I asked, suspicion evident in my voice.
"Because I love you, Kyungsoo." He smiled and kissed me again.
"I love you too, Jongin.  But that still doesn't explain why we are here."

Jongin reached into the basket beside him and pulled out a very familiar looking book.  It was the diary that I had given to Jongin all those years ago.  He smiled gently and asked me to read the last entry.  So I opened the book to the last page.
 

November 28th, 2020

"Do Kyungsoo.  You have no idea how much I love you.  You are my everything.  Five years ago, we stood in this exact spot and shared our first kiss.  Five years ago, you were so broken.  But I have watched you grow stronger day by day.  You are a warrior.  A beautiful warrior who battles his demons everyday.  You never give up.  You inspire me to be a better person.  You light up my life.  And I want to spend everday of the rest of my life right beside you.  I hope to one day see the day when you don't have to struggle anymore.  I can't say it enough, Kyungsoo.  I love you.  Will you marry me?

I looked up from the diary and saw a beautiful sight.  Kim Jongin, my savior sent from Heaven, was kneeling down on one knee with a ring in his hand.  And he was looking at me like I was the most important thing in the world.

"Yes, Jongin.  I will marry you."