Was it always normal to have persisting feelings for someone when you know it’s too late? I think I’ve remained quiet about this feeling for the longest time and even tried different ways of repressing it.  

But, the piercing sensation still lingers. Every time Lu Han is visible - it all comes rushing back with great intensity. It might have been better if I didn’t see him anymore.

A few months back, he suddenly called to chat. He invited me to a friendly dinner. But never in the years we spent together did he ever initiate that kind of invitation. Of course, I was excited. Simply hearing his soothing voice through a phone call, it always comes with a familiar sensation. The painful, yet addictive kind of ecstasy.

I know for a fact that I was never his dream girl. I came off too much of a sister figure and I never appeared attractive enough to make an alluring impression on him.

However, do you know what’s stupid? I continued to become his sister-figure for many years and never tried to step forward and express my feelings.

The fear was too much. I could not bear the judgement or even disgust I may receive once I did attempt to confess my feelings for him. I already had a good relationship with him, why must I ruin it?

For the longest time we’ve spent together, I have thoughts that he might have had feelings for me, but like me, was just too afraid to take the initiative.

Although, rather than getting the motivation to become honest and come clean, the thought counteracted it.

The same night he called, he came by my house to pick me up. He was sleek as ever. Not only with the way he physically presented himself but also  with the way he played with his words. It’s as if you know that he’s just making up bull to swoon you, yet it works no matter how much you resist.

As we were in his car, on our way to the restaurant, he began talking about his work and how busy he is with life, in general.

He was a promising guy - he always knew his way around things and no matter what he does, he was always surrounded by people. Unlike me.

The first time I met him was in high school. He wasn’t the most popular guy, but he definitely stood out among everyone. He was a funny guy and that was my long-lasting impression of him. We became friends because of Art class. Despite of him being a stereotypical jock, he was an art genius. He made beautiful paintings of women.

One unexpected encounter, while I was eating lunch with my friend, he approached me if I could become a model for one of his art projects. Of course, I didn’t believe him at first because he was too good looking to be serious and I thought he was just doing it to mock me.

He persevered for 2 months just to get me to agree. From the sources I’ve heard in high school, when he finds his muse, it becomes an obligation for his artistic vision to be fulfilled.

We began to stay in school later than most students. For our first few sessions, it was obviously awkward. But as things became a routine, we slowly began to talk to one another.

I didn’t expect Lu Han to be so slow with his paintings. It took him months before he could finish my portrait. However, by then we were already close.

During lunch time, he would meet up with me just to show me his favourite manhwa to rave about how beautiful the artwork was and its witty plot.

Sometimes he would talk about his dream of being a manhwa artist, but be filled with discouragement because of its unpredictable future.

All throughout those times, it was enough for me to understand him and almost feel what he feels.

As he spoke about work, he suddenly asked me how I was doing, whether I was dating or if I was doing well financially and with my health.

It was strange. He never asked me any questions. Whenever I asked him how his day was, he never reciprocates the question. All our conversations consisted of himself.

I loved it when he talked about his struggles, his dreams, or his childhood stories. But I would be lying if I said that I loved hearing about the girls he became interested in.  He basically liked the girls I despised. They were all the same people but in different forms of attractiveness. They were all popular and outgoing like he was.

I supported him anyway, but I strived to become like them to meet his expectations. I tried to lose weight, grow out my hair, and even started wearing makeup, just for him to see me as a potential girlfriend.

All those efforts weren’t even enough. I was never going to be enough.

I told him that I was ok. But he didn’t ask any further questions.

We got to the restaurant and was finally settled on our table. He kept on looking at me, to the point where I felt a sharp feeling of discomfort.  He began to clear his throat, as he was preparing to tell me something. But he suddenly stood up from his chair and smiled, looking behind me.

I turned around and the humiliation was inevitable, almost like death, it was already there to come and bite me in the .

Lu Han approached her, slowly wrapping his arms around her and leaning in to give her a kiss on the cheek.