[One year before]

The lovely couple was celebrating their fourth anniversary, how wonderful it is to reach this long. Years full of love, and memories that bloomed beautifully. Woohyun was walking Jaeun home when he decided to rest for a while at the street bench. It was nearing midnight, streets are almost empty, and few cars are on the highway. Few people walking home. Woohyun cleared his throat whilst looking at the sky painted with sparkling stars. “My mind has been occupied for quite some time now.” He said.

Jaeun looked at him questioningly. “Is there something bothering you?” She asked.

He faced her and held both her hands, looking straight to her eyes. “I know this may sound ridiculous and out-of-nowhere but Jae, I don’t think I can still hold on.”

Jaeun realized what and where their conversation is heading. It was tiring. They have fought so many times, and got tired solving it that when the next day comes they don’t talk about it like they didn’t screamed at each other’s face. She understand it too well, because that was also what she thought they needed, a break.

“I don’t want to reach the point where my love for you is gone. At least, I want the good memories to remain.” He cooed as a tear finally left her eyes.

She didn’t say anything but just let out a sigh before standing up. Their love was asking for too much. It wasn’t what they pictured the future of. But coming to this point was overwhelming. “We’re holding too much at each other…” Her statement was empty but her eyes held the most explanation of what was behind those words. She didn’t think it would hurt this much.

Woohyun stuck a stray hair behind her ear and held her cheeks. Breaking up while you still love each other was like stopping yourself to breathe while dreaming of living. Jaeun can’t hold it anymore, tears flowed endlessly, as she held his gaze. This was it? This was what they needed, right? They never thought coming up with this kind of resolution would bring misery to both souls who had promised to be together for as long as they can remember. Woohyun was also holding his tears up, he needed to be the pillar even in this kind of situation, though he didn’t notice a tear left his eye while wiping Jaeun’s endless tears. They were facing each other. Facing each other and crying. It’s quiet as if everything stopped, only the beating of their hearts was heard. Cold wind wraps around them.

 

 

Jaeun and Woohyun’s four years relationship ended when both decided that they need their own time to heal. Love was not enough, feelings are taken for granted, and emotions got locked up on their own, waiting to be expressed. Their love was not as competent enough anymore, like those days when they work to triumph against their throes. Their love was supposed to build them together, yet it broke them apart. However, when they thought that things have ended as they ought to be, they found themselves getting too involved in each other’s life, again. Being friends was the boundary they have set, but their attachment tore it.

It was when she got confused on where she stands in his life, she wasn’t one of the priority but she was treated like one. They were friends with so much commitment, but that was all. Nothing more, nothing less. She thought that being by his side was more than enough, deep down in her heart she admits how much she still loves him, but she wasn’t sure of how he feels. But actions speak louder than words. They got familiarized with what they are: friends.

Feelings are so complicated.

 

 [Present time]

 

“Jaeun, are you free today? I needed help with some stuffs.”

“Okay.”

And that’s why they ended up filling their hands with groceries Woohyun needed. It was a long tiring day of walking around the market, getting all the items on the list. When they came to the apartment where Woohyun live, it was already time for dinner. “Hey. I’m hungry. I’m calling for delivery. Do you prefer something?” Jaeun asked as she put the groceries at the living room. Woohyun stopped typing on his phone, raising his eyebrows in inquiry. “I asked if you want to eat something in particular.” She rephrased.

“Oh. Anything would be fine.” He answered. Woohyun has been busy all day texting and was like out of orientation. Jaeun nodded and left to call for delivery.

 

They sat at the dining table in silence, Jaeun decided not to talk anymore,  she tried to keep the conversation going but she was getting irritated with the way Woohyun would answer, he was too occupied with replying to whoever his texting with that he doesn’t attend to the person who helped him all day. He was too busy smiling.

The moment Woohyun left to go to the comfort room and to get some water, Jaeun didn’t think twice and took his phone that was lying next to his plate. She went straight to his text messages and opened the most recent text. Who’s Sunji?  She recalled if he has friends named with Sunji. She read it, but not all of it. There were conversation about asking if they had their meals already or what will they do for the day. It was a simple conversation but it made her insides shiver. There’s more to it, and thinking about it was making her jealous of sorts. He was smiling while holding his phone. When she heard the door of the comfort room, she immediately put the phone back away from her.

Why was she getting all worked up again? Why is she getting jealous? She doesn’t know. Jaeun lost her appetite, she decided leaving was the best option, she stood up and went to grab her bag, the same moment Woohyun came out of the kitchen holding two glasses of water. “Where are you going?” He asked and look at her unfinished meal.

“I. Hmm. I’m feeling tired.” She said, she glanced at him for a second and went straight to the door.

“Okay. I’ll drive you home.” He turned to look for his keys.

“No need.” She answered. She’s too emotional to face this kind of situation.  Woohyun sensed that something was definitely wrong but he doesn’t have a clue of what it was.

She held the knob of the door just in time Woohyun grabbed her wrist and made her turn around. He looked at her eyes. It was clear and empty. “What’s wrong?” He asked. She didn’t answer, she just shook her head and removed his grip on her. Wanting to get out the suffocating room. “Jae.”  A tear finally came out, she don’t know why but the situation they’re in is depressing her.

She turned to look at him, Woohyun was dumbfounded, and he doesn’t know what was happening and why she’s crying. Jaeun started punching his chest, but in a weak way. Tears won’t stop coming out and she don’t have a plan on stopping what she’s doing now. “What’s wrong?” He asked again, not actually realizing that she was hurting all this time. She kept crying. “Jae, look at me. Tell me.” He soothingly said and held her face, forcing her to look at him.

She kept punching. “I… I don’t know. But I’m hurting. Here.” She said and stopped punching him, resting her hand on his chest.

“I don’t unders-“

“You don’t need to understand.” She cut him off and hiccupped. “It’s me. I’m hurting and I don’t know why.”

“Make me understand, Jae.” She shook her head and was hoping that he will finally let go. But he was as stubborn as she is right now.

There was a long nerve-wrecking silence for the both of them. Not until, “What am I to you? Please.” she asked as she weakly fall on the ground, there was nothing more to it now. She had tried to take it all in because that was what she believed she needed, to be beside him and that was more than enough.

“Are we seriously talking about this?” He countered back as he raked his hair with his fingers, having this kind of conversation was tiring. Mentally. Emotionally. “Haven’t we agreed to stay as friend? Let alone a mere acquaintance?” He wasn’t looking at her, his back facing her now. He hated that when things get smooth, and contentment was already kicking in, this conversation comes next.

Jaeun shifted and was about to get up, sure having this conversation was draining all the good memories in her, taking all the feelings away. She smiled, a smile that you can’t even notice, a bitter smile filled with misery. What was the point of asking the question when you get to hear the dreary answer?

“I need to hear it, for the last time.” She finally had the strength to stand up on her own accord, still, her head hung low, she doesn’t want him to see her blood-shot-swollen eyes. But then again, sympathy can change things, with the last straw of her courage, she walked towards him, facing him in the most uncomfortable way. She looked up to him, searching for the honest answer herself, but he wasn’t looking at her, anywhere but her.

“You really want to know the answer?” Woohyun finally looked at her, he even reached out to hold her shoulders. “Everything about us ended a long time ago. Jaeun you’re nothing but just a friend to me now.” Though the words came out softly, without the intention to hurt, she felt like being stabbed. She was looking straight at his eyes, but it was void, like emotions are forbidden to reflect at those soulful eyes.

She stepped backward, his hands sliding and letting go of her now. She sighed and unexpectedly, she smiled that warm smile she use when she reassures that everything is okay. That it will be okay. Sooner or later. She left the room without much words to say, no second thoughts, and no looking back, closing the doors, closing her heart, and hopefully cutting all strings attached. She sighed again as she rest her back at the cold wall, cold as the man who’s living inside that apartment. “You didn’t mean it.” As a lone tear escaped, she pray to finally let go.

 

 

 

[One year and a half later]

 

“Hey! Where are you?” Cheonsae asked over the phone. Jaeun just got off to work and was now waiting for a cab. Her phone at her right ear, supported by her right shoulder as she search for the invitation that was delivered to her earlier this day.

“I am still here, around my work place.” She answered as she hail a cab that unfortunately passed by her.

“What’s taking you so long?” Jaeun didn’t answer she laughed at her friend. “You better attend the reception, at least.” She can imagine now her friend pouting. Cheonsae wedding was today, Jaeun didn’t get to attend the ceremony because of too much workload that she wasn’t even granted the leave she asked her boss, that’s why she promised her friend that she’ll just go attend the reception party. “Just go, hmm?” Cheonsae said before hanging up.

Luckily, and finally a cab stopped in front of her.

 

When Jaeun arrived at the venue, the best man was in the middle of humiliating-slash-giving-his-congratulatory speech to the newly wed. Everyone was laughing at uttered jokes. Jaeun made her way to the table where her friends were. She was anticipating-ly looking at the bride, wanting to make known her presence.

Now that she thought about it, getting married with the person she once loved was her dream. She smiled. Genuinely. She doesn’t have any grudge or hurt feelings anymore. She finally let go of the feelings, she finally felt free once again.

 

“Cheonsae! I’m really happy for you! Chukahae!!” Jaeun greeted when she finally had the time to greet her newly wed friend.

“Congratulations on making it here.” Cheonsae joke. They both laughed and hugged each other. There will be some cases that you’d envy your friends for finally meeting the person that can accept and make them happy. Yes, Jaeun was envy but she was more than happy that her friend settled with the person she loves.

And maybe, time will come that Jaeun will be happy, once again.

 

 

“Oh. Yes. Just email it to me, I can give the review, hmm, maybe the next day after tomorrow? Okay?” Jaeun left the party for a minute to answer her colleague’s call. She sighed and turned, she was at the balcony. She look at the newly wed, from afar, who was dancing under the sparking lights, with so much admiration. She smiled dreamily.

Jaeun was startled when she heard someone speak. “Long time no see.” She looked at the man who made the best man speech a while ago. She looked at him, and gave off a warm smile. She nodded.

“Hi.” She responded.

 

So maybe, once again, she can be happy,

Without feeling hurt.

Without…