Hello, friends and family! So...in my defense I'm having a writers block when it comes to my story Gangsta's Paradise, not in general. But this one, this is some heavy stuff. So everything is a little....eh...at the moment and I needed somewhere to vent, and I sure do love to make people suffer so this story is all about suffering lmao.

This is based on my own experiences (to a degree, not this extreme) and how I struggled with becoming who I am and how I'm still struggling but I have the best friend who's always there to help me through any rough patches that I may stumble upon so that's why I really wanted to show the brotherhood that Bts so often display. I hope I made it justice.

(Warning: This contains a bit of vomiting, please read with caution)

Enjoy! <3

He’s forgotten how many times he’s googled ‘y feminine curves’ or ‘hot girls’ and just browsed through hundreds of pictures and videos on girls, whether it be or just pictures from a Victoria’s Secret magazine. He’s lost count on how many times he’s stood in front of the mirror and told himself ‘I’m straight’ ‘I like girls’ ‘I like s’ and almost always ended up in tears on the floor because it’s not working. No matter how many times he’s tried he has still not been able to find Hyorin’s s more attractive than Jimin’s flat chest, or Mamamoo’s maknae Hwasa’s curves more attractive than G-dragon’s small body.

No matter how many times he’s tried to fix himself it hasn’t worked, and it was manageable at first when he was just a boy going through puberty and experiencing lots of different feelings. But he’s not a child anymore, he’s 18 now and he has a full fledged career and even if he wanted to date he doesn’t have time. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about it.

And in interviews when they’re asked for a description of their ideal girl Jungkook always wants to cry because it’s not a girl that he wants and it makes him weird and different and he doesn’t want that, he wants to be like the others. Wants to be able to say that he wishes to settle down with a soft spoken girl with nice legs and good social skills to make up for his lack of them, but instead, he’s left to his own devices in his bathroom with a hand down his pants and a boy’s name at the tip of his tongue.

He hasn’t been able to tell the others. He doesn’t want them to hate him, and on some level of rationality he knows that they never would, but everyone else would. uality is not something to be openly discussed in Korea, if you’re a man you’re supposed to marry a woman and that’s that. There’s no variation of the sacred marriage and Jungkook wants to find a giant rock and climb under it.

He hasn’t been educated on the subject either, everything he knows comes from hours upon hours of googling different terms and reading people’s stories. He remembers when he was fifteen and he met a boy in school who was very handsome, he’d been unsure at that point, not known why he felt weird around the boy or why his face popped up whenever Jungkook tried to ‘relieve’ himself.

He’d been terrified that there was something wrong with him, that he was sick and in need of help. So of course he’d turned to the internet, googled something akin to ‘I’m a boy and I think my classmate who is a guy is hot’ and read through every article he could. That night had ended in tears and vomit stains on his shirt from when he wasn’t quick enough to reach the toilet, he’d made himself sick thinking of what he was. Because as far as he knew no one else felt the same, he’d never heard his friends say they liked another boy or even heard them admit another boy was good looking. And no one else had mentioned it either, it was always ‘seen any pretty girls?’ or ‘oh she’s pretty, you should go talk to her’.

It scared him to the point where he just tried to suppress it, tried to ignore it and hope it’d go away. And Jungkook may be young but he’s not naive, he knows it’s not just gonna disappear. It’s who he is but he can’t accept it, he just can’t. And it makes it even more frightening whenever they’re asked in interviews where they see themselves in the future. Because everyone wants to find someone, someone to love and to cherish, and that someone is always a girl no matter who he asks. He’s different and it terrifies him.

He’s so close to destroying himself that it’s no question on why he actually does it when an interview goes wrong. They’re all laughing and smiling and discussing their upcoming album when one of the hosts decides to go a little off track and ask them about ‘girls’. It always feels weird whenever they ask them about something so personal, like dating, when they’re there to discuss their music, the hyungs agree, but they take it anyway because they’re idols and it’s part of the job.

Namjoon starts it off by laughing and saying that no one is interested at the moment, that they’re all too focused on their music and their success that they don’t really have time for dating. It sounds a bit too serious, the hosts must think because the one on the far left laughs and says “maybe you’re just trying to get out of talking about girls, how about boys then?” laughter fills the studio and Jimin and Taehyung who are sitting across from him hold their stomachs and laugh like they just heard the best joke in the world. Jungkook on the other hand tries not to cringe at the sound of their laughter, “they’re not like that” another host says and there’s a tone to his comment that makes Jungkook’s stomach churn. Because this is his fear, to be laughed at, to be ridiculed for who he is and for his preference in partner. It has a more intense impact than he expected and he finds himself covering his mouth to stop the bile from rising, he feels it in his throat trying to make its way up and he has to swallow multiple times to make sure that it stays down. He tries to discreetly hide his discomfort by clearing his throat and grabbing a water bottle off the floor, the few seconds when his face isn’t being filmed gives him a small window of time to regain his composure.

The interview continues on well enough and Jungkook talks as little as possible, his energy level down to non-existent and his mood down to what many would call ‘extremely depressed’. He can’t seem to let it go no matter how hard he tries to, no matter how many times he tells himself that he shouldn’t have been expecting anything else and that this is how the world is he just can’t seem to forget it.

Thankfully the interview ends only a few minutes later and they all say their goodbyes to the radio show and to the cameras, when everything’s turned off and he can hear the commercials start he takes off his headphones and rubs his hands over his face to try and wake himself up a bit. A hand lands on his shoulder and he looks up to see Seokjin leaning over him with a kind but slightly worried expression, “you okay?” he asks quietly so that only Jungkook hears him, and Jungkook wants to say something, wants to flash his cute bunny smile and tell him that everything’s okay but the words are like syrup in his mouth and instead he just nods with a quirk of his lips that even the worst actor in the world can beat. Seokjin frowns at him, clearly not convinced and a little upset that he’d lie but instead of pointing it out he just nods and lets go of Jungkook’s shoulder to go and get the others.

---

It’s dinner time when they get back home and Seokjin hurriedly makes his way into the kitchen to cook something while the others disperse into different rooms to do their own thing. Jungkook goes into his and Namjoon’s shared room and tries to forget the day and that the interview even happened. He lies down on his bed and curls up into a small ball, a small ball of sadness is what he feels like.

There’s this near overwhelming feeling in his chest that just makes it uncomfortable to lie down no matter the position, his fingers feel a bit numb and his head feels like it’s floating. It’s a weird feeling, like he’s not really there or that he is but not spiritually or emotionally or whatever you wanna call it. He’s never felt something like this, it starts off small, it’s manageable but uncomfortable, little does he know that it’ll get worse.

Dinner is normal, nothing out of the ordinary and he eats with the same appetite as he always does because no matter how sad he is he’s still hungry. After dinner they help Seokjin clean the table before they go back to their own devices again, Jungkook wonders if he should just go to sleep and try to relax in hopes for that ugly feeling in his chest to go away. But by the way he seems to be able to shut his eyes without accidentally letting a few tears fall he refrains from doing so and instead borrows a book from Taehyung to read. He’s not really sure what he’s reading, it’s a fantasy of some sort because there are elves and short people and talking trees but he’s too tired and too exhausted and too sad to focus on it.

He reads into the late hours of the evening, continues to read even after Seokjin’s said goodnight and even after his eyes start to burn from exhaustion. He puts the book down when Namjoon comes in because he needs it to look like he’s at least trying to sleep, but when he hears Namjoon’s quiet snores and breaths, he turns the night-light on and goes back to reading.

He comes across a word he’s never heard before and he has to sneakily grab his phone off the floor to google the meaning of it. The word is ‘Hiraeth’, it doesn’t have a direct translation for it, but there is one overlapping theme, and that is longing. The words set something off inside of him, he realizes that; that is what he feels, whether it’s a longing for someone, or someplace somewhere he does not know. But he feels it, almost like an intense homesickness for something that he’s never had. He doesn’t wish to go home to his parents, he doesn’t wish to curl up in Seokjin and Yoongi’s shared room, or go back to his trainee days when he was still in school. He’s not longing for something back, at least not something that he remembers that he ever had. But he is longing, yearning for something.

He puts his phone down and his book too, because now, he feels the bile slowly rising in his throat and his stomach turning and he throws off his covers in a hurry to the bathroom. As soon as he’s inside he’s hunching over the toilet and vomiting up his dinner, it feels like he’s throwing up his entire intestines and his head hurts and his chest feels heavy. He coughs and tries to loosen the tightness under his ribcage but nothing helps and he feels tears making their way down his cheeks.

He feels so mangled and like nothing makes sense anymore, he knows that people in the world are starving and fighting for their lives on a daily basis while he has it easy in comparison but he feels so utterly lost, like he’d have it easier to find his way out of a desert than this. He’s in such a state of oblivion that he doesn’t even realize there’s someone behind him until the toilet flushes and a hand wipes his mouth with some tissues. More tears spill out and down his cheeks as the hands handle him so well, takes care of him in such a nurturing way that he can’t help but feel that he doesn’t deserve it. He’s making things so difficult, he knows, but he likes short hair and deep voices and flat chests and for god’s sake es! And it makes him sick to his stomach to know that it’s weird and that his classmates aren’t like him, that he’s different and alien.

He feels the bile rise again and barely has time to hunch over the toilet before he’s coughing up whatever’s left in his stomach, there’s a hand rubbing his back and he hears water flowing and what sounds like someone filling up a glass. His guesses are shown to be correct when the tip of a glass nudges his lips and cold water invades his mouth, it’s so disgusting and so nice at the same time that he cries even harder. His sobs echo in the bathroom and the hand on his back goes around his body to land over his heart, it rubs soft circles over it and Jungkook cries harder whilst continuing to drink from the glass pushed against his lips.

“Shh, it’s okay, you’re okay” the person behind him whispers and he knows it’s Seokjin, he’s hugging Jungkook from behind and trying to get him to relax but it only makes him sob harder because he’s disgusting right now, both because of the fact that he just threw up but also because he’s not normal and he feels like he doesn’t deserve to be here. He’s never been this overwhelmed in his entire life and it’s frightening to say the least.

He leans back a bit into the touch of Seokjin and cries, another hand settles on his stomach and he feels so dirty and so tired that when the little water he’s got in his body comes up again he doesn’t even lean over the toilet, instead he throws up the water all over his shirt and his lap and he feels so violated in a way that he can’t describe. But there’s a hand pushing back his sweaty bangs and someone shushing him from behind, “it’s alright” someone whispers and judging by the deep voice it’s Taehyung.

He cries and sobs and whines but Seokjin continues to hold him until he’s at least calm enough to open his eyes fully and take a look around him. Taehyung’s sitting beside the toilet and in front of Jungkook with a glass in his hand and a worried look on his face, when he sees Jungkook looking he goes to touch him but Jungkook pulls away and tries to pull away from Seokjin too. He feels crowded and caged and the lump in his chest feels heavier and he’s disgusting right now, Seokjin lets him go and he immediately grabs at his shirt and pulls it over his head. He’s sure that some of it sticks to his hair but he’s just so tired and so scared and he feels so dirty and warm that he can’t bear to look at anyone or anything.

He hears voices in the background, it sounds like Namjoon and Yoongi but he’s not sure right now because everything feels like a dream, like a nightmare. “Jungkookie, breathe” there’s a hand on his back again but he doesn’t want anyone to get sick from him so he shrugs it off. “Don’t, d-don’t want you t-to get s-sick” he mumbles with a bit of difficulty but Seokjin just sighs from behind him, “it’s alright baby, it’s just the flu or something” he says quietly and Jungkook wants to cry because he’s wrong, there’s something much more wrong about Jungkook than a simple flu.

“N-no, not f-flu” he sobs and leans over the toilet bowl when he feels that uncomfortable feeling again, like something’s on it’s way up. “I’m sick” he says and cough a little into the toilet, and for some reason he wants them to understand, wants them to understand that he’s not normal and even more alien than Taehyung’s ever been, so he continues. “I’m so sick h-hyung, not n-normal” he cries and Seokjin’s hand is back on his chest, rubbing comforting circles.

“What do you mean, Jungkook?” someone from the doorway asks and it’s Namjoon, Jungkook can tell, he hiccups and snivels, “I don’t like long h-hair, or long l-legs, or c-curves, I don’t…” he heaves into the toilet bowl and it’s so painful because he’s not even throwing anything up anymore, there’s nothing left in his stomach.

“Jungkook, it’s okay” Taehyung puts the glass down on the floor beside him and crawls forward until he’s only a few centimeters apart from Jungkook, “it’s okay” he mumbles and Jungkook just shakes his head because it’s not, if they thought so they wouldn’t have laughed and they wouldn’t have made him feel so ridiculous. And maybe it’s not fair to think so, since they didn’t know, but Jungkook is in so much pain.

“You like boys, is that it?” Jimin who suddenly appears by his side whispers and Jungkook toys with the idea to just tell them to forget everything he’s just said and blame it on that he’s sick or something but he knows he can’t, he’s already said too much. So he just nods his head violently and more tears fall, it’s quiet for a few seconds and Jungkook’s afraid they’re gonna up and leave. He knows them better than that but in his delirious state anything can happen.

“Don’t h-hate me, p-please”  a shiver travels through his body and he’s reminded that he’s shirtless on the bathroom floor and covered in vomit that is now beginning to dry, Jimin shuffles closer and embraces him, despite how disgusting he must be.

“Jesus, Kookie, we could never” he mumbles and Jungkook thinks he sounds offended, like he can’t even comprehend the fact that Jungkook would think like that of them. He cries into Jimin’s chest because the feeling he’s experiencing right now is ineffable, he’s never felt so relieved in his entire life he thinks. He cries into his chest but it’s not the ugly sobs of despair anymore, it’s the relieved and soft cries that has the others in tears.

Somewhere in all of the chaos Jungkook falls asleep against Jimin’s chest and when Jimin announces it it’s quiet for a long while. They’re all exhausted and scared and shakened up by the entire situation, but Seokjin has enough power in him to stand up and walk over to the others, “you should go to bed, we’ll handle it” Hoseok looks like he wants to protest but Yoongi pats his shoulder and drags him with him as he goes. Namjoon stays for a moment, Seokjin recognizes the look on his face and steps forward to embrace the younger, “it’s alright now, we’ll talk in the morning, okay? Get some sleep now” he mumbles and he feels Namjoon nod into his shoulder before parting and walking back to his and Jungkook’s shared room.

When Seokjin turns to the maknae line on the floor he sees them all with tear stains on their cheeks, “hyung” Taehyung mumbles and his voice cracks halfway, Seokjin crouches down and wipes a few tears from his cheek, “do you want to leave?” he asks quietly, he doesn’t want any of them taking on more than they can handle.

He shakes his head as more tears fall but he looks determined, “no” he says and Seokjin nods, “then go get a towel and some clean clothes for Kookie, alright?” he leans in and kisses Taehyung’s forehead in a gesture of comfort, it seems to help because Taehyung relaxes a bit and stands up to go get the stuff. Seokjin then turns to Jimin with Jungkook in his arms, he looks shakened and on the verge of breaking but Seokjin knows that he’ll stay strong right now for Jungkook, tomorrow he might lend himself some time to process it all, but his priority right now is taking care of their dear maknae, who needs them now more than ever.

“Hyung, he thought we would hate him” Jimin mumbles with his lips pressed tightly against Jungkook’s sweaty forehead, Seokjin nods, “yes” he says because what else is there to say. “I don’t care if he likes boys instead of girls, and I don’t care if he wants to marry a man from Spain and settle down in Uganda, I don’t care about that, I just want him to be happy” he says and rocks Jungkook like he’s an infant for Jimin to protect.

“So do I, sweety,” Taehyung comes in then, carrying some clothes and an extra fluffy towel. They undress him carefully and washes him in warm water that makes some color return to his cheeks, Jimin threads his finger through Jungkook’s hair and washes it with utmost care while Taehyung and Seokjin wipes down his body. He’s but it’s nothing they haven’t seen before and it doesn’t bother them at all, because in this moment he’s their little brother, who needs their help and they are more than willing to give it to him.

When they’re done they wipe him down with the fluffy towel and dress him in warm clothes, they’re all wet from the shower and beyond exhausted but none of them care. Seokjin carries him into his and Namjoon’s room where the rest of them are. He didn’t expect them to go to sleep immediately but he didn’t expect them to all be sitting on Namjoon’s bed. He puts Jungkook down carefully and kisses his forehead, when he’s tucked in the younger he turns to the rest of them and sighs, “you should push the beds together, that way there’ll be more room” and five minutes later Hoseok has curled himself around a sleeping Jungkook and is whispering things that no one can hear, and no one tries to either, because Hoseok’s crying and hugging Jungkook like he’s afraid to let go and no one blames him.

An hour later, when Jimin, Taehyung and Seokjin have all cleaned up they join the others who are still sitting on the bed just watching the two sleeping figures, Hoseok’s grip on Jungkook is still there and Jungkook seems to have cuddled closer in his sleep. Jimin and Taehyung go and lie down beside them, Taehyung keeps a steady grip on Jimin who looks like he’s about to fall apart any second, “Jimin, do you want to step out for a sec?” Yoongi questions while petting the younger’s head but Jimin just shakes his head, “no, I want to stay here” he mumbles and Yoongi sighs deeply. He moves down to lie next to them and he pulls Jimin into his chest, he reaches Taehyung too and keeps a hand on his hip. It’s nice, Seokjin thinks, and if it had been any other night he would have cooed and probably taken a picture but now he’s too emotionally drained to focus on anything so instead he just hurries forward and practically falls into Namjoon’s awaiting arms.

They don’t sleep for long but the warmth from one another is comforting, it’s alright, they’ll be alright.

(gif is not mine)

I hope you enjoyed that awfully sad thing that I wrote in a few hours instead of studying because I'm stupid and just really tired.

Please excuse any mistakes :)

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Have a nice day/night/morning/afternoon<3