Sunggyu was a tedious person. He liked the smooth path of routine scheduling his days. Waking up, go to work, go back home, dine in front of the news channel before going to sleep. His job as an accountant reflected his like of order and predictability. The only unpredictable things he allowed in his life was his group of friends. All different, all unique in their own ways. The bunch of them met in college and happened to stick together up until now.

First came Woohyun, his best friend among them. Contrary to what people might think, they were diametrically opposed. Woohyun was a social butterfly, a funny fellow people immediately felt drawn to. Maybe the reason why they clicked so well was because Woohyun kicked him out of his comfort zone, and as much as Sunggyu hated it, he must admit that most of the best things he experienced were initiated by Woohyun’s stubbornness to make him see the outside world. After college, Woohyun found a job in the artistic team of a huge magazine, which suited him well.

But the funniest thing about Woohyun might be the man sharing his life. Said guy’s temper was closer than Sunggyu, and the oldest of the gang figured that’s why he liked him so much. He could relate to Howon more than he did with Woohyun. Howon was a quiet person, and even Sunggyu himself –who was considered good at reading people– couldn’t read him half of the time. He was a hardworking lad, perfectionist to no end and took his job to heart. Howon was a doctor, and even if his job took a huge part of his life, the couple seemed to manage. They had been together for years, and Sunggyu thought that if they actually could tie the knot, they would have done it already.

Third person coming to mind was Sungyeol. Much like Woohyun, only more high on sugar and childish as . Sunggyu always found it almost endearing, how easy it was to pick up on him. Sungyeol was the funniest person he knew, most of it was at his own expense due to incurable clumsiness. Sunggyu remembered that during college, Sungyeol had been fired of multiples part-time jobs because he was really clumsy. Sunggyu blamed it on his lanky limbs. Thankfully, he got better as he matured –just a bit– and was now working as a barista in a nice coffee shop. Sunggyu often dropped by since it was close to his office.

Then, there was Myungsoo. Handsome Myungsoo, 4D Myungsoo, dreamer Myungsoo. Sunggyu got mesmerized the first time he saw him, because this level of perfect looks in one sole individual was completely unfair to the rest of mankind. But contrary to appearances, Myungsoo was a humble, shy kid who spend his time hiding in the darkroom of the Photography department to develop his camera film. After college, Myungsoo got lucky and found a gallery ready to expose his works. He was now living of this pictures, which was his dream to begin with. He was also the most well-off among them, Sunggyu might had.

Sungjong, the maknae of the group, had always been resourceful and imaginative, which predestined him to a creative career like Myungsoo. Oddly though, he chose a completely different path. While Sunggyu was in his thirties, Sungjong, was only twenty-six and determined to enjoy his twenties to the last second. Maybe that was the reason why he embraced a career of preschool teacher. Being around toddlers five days per week might be a continual cure of youth. Sungjong loved his job, Sunggyu noticed. He respected his dongsaeng for being able to put up with kids, because he definitely couldn’t.

And, last but not least, there was Dongwoo. God, Sunggyu could spend all his life talking about him and still be at it at his last breath. If Sunggyu was to use an image to describe him, he will hesitate between a sun and a star. A sun because Dongwoo was warm and made everyone around him feel better just by smiling at them. A star because whenever Sunggyu felt lost, Dongwoo was his light in the darkness. Sunggyu remembered when they first met, in the queue of a coffee shop. Dongwoo took his coffee and was about to leave but when he turned around, he bumped into him, spilling hot burning coffee all over Sunggyu’s shirt. Sunggyu was about to get angry at the stupid moron ruining his shirt and morning but was left speechless when his eyes met Dongwoo’s sorry puppy eyes as he continuously apologized. He was lucky Sunggyu found him too cute for words to be mad at him. Turned out, they attended the same university, only different departments. Dongwoo was a performing arts student majoring in dance, driven by a passion Sunggyu found mesmerizing. Everything about Dongwoo was, actually. He was so bright and cheerful and genuine and kind and so much more, Sunggyu did not take long to fall in love. And who wouldn’t have ? Dongwoo was just too loveable to resist. He was polite, well-mannered, respectful, kind… An angel, literally.

But as aware as Sunggyu was of his feelings, he was never able to convey them. He knew Dongwoo wasn’t into guys, and even if he knew the younger would never outcast him for being gay or liking him, he feared their relationship would be damaged by it so he never confessed. Over the years, he managed to hide his unrequited love quite well. Dongwoo was oblivious when it concerned him so it was easy, really. Even if he wanted to be more than his friend, the knowledge that it would break them apart was enough for Sunggyu to restrain himself. Who needed more, when Dongwoo only needed to smile at him to make his heart race ? When his simple presence made Sunggyu the happiest man on Earth ? Of course, he could contempt himself with that.

Of course, he could not. After university, everyone scattered, meeting only once a week to dine in a restaurant close to their university in memory of their college years. Soon, their weekly meetings turned to one a month, because everyone was busy with their respective jobs. They all maintained contact via phone calls or mails anyway, in was the 21st century. No need to say, Dongwoo was the one Sunggyu called the most. He also saw him more than the others, mostly because Kim Sunggyu couldn’t live without seeing Jang Dongwoo. Despite his laziness and distaste for physical activities, he got a membership on the same gym Dongwoo went to three times a week and went to work out with him. Work out was a big word, since Sunggyu basically did nothing but help Dongwoo through his own routine and basically just enjoying watching him and being with him.

Sunggyu could have spent all his life like this. Working, seeing Dongwoo as much as he could and the rest of his good friends at their mandatory monthly gathering. But of course, life wasn’t supposed to be like that. The great imbalance of his life began a year and half ago. Sunggyu remembered that fated day. He guessed he would always remember. The gang was meeting at the usual restaurant. Everyone was gathered around the table, the barbecue waiting to be done. Only one person was missing.

“Can someone call Dongwoo hyung ? I’m starving !” their maknae pouted.

“Just be a bit patient.” Sunggyu said. “Touch that and you’re dead.” he said coldly to Sungyeol, the said man immediately withdrawing his hand from the food. “We are waiting for him.”

“I don’t remember such consideration when my shift kept me in the hospital later than expected.” Hoya mentioned.

“You’re a doctor. Who knows how long you could’ve been held back. We couldn’t starve waiting for you.” Sunggyu snapped back. “I’ll call him. It’s not like Dongwoo to be late without notice.”

As Sunggyu took his phone, ready to make the call, the tinkle of a bell was heard, signalling the opening of the restaurant’s door. Sunggyu felt his lips curve up instantly, his mood brightened by the sight of Dongwoo. He was about to call for him when he noticed that instead of looking around for them, the younger looked behind him, keeping the door open. A young woman followed closely, smiling at him. When Sunggyu noticed their linked hands, he felt stabbed right through his heart, his breath caught in his throat. Dongwoo looked so happy, he smiled so brightly, yet, for the first time since he laid eyes upon him, his smile crushed Sunggyu’s heart. He was quick enough to put on his usual mask, remembering he was among his friends. He couldn’t let them notice his distress over something he shouldn’t care about.

“Hey guys ! Sorry I’m late !” Dongwoo beamed at them. “I brought someone I would like you all to meet. I hope you won’t mind. Everyone, this is Ahn Hyejin. She is an actress I met on the musical I’m currently in, and we’ve been seeing each other for three months now so it felt about time to introduce her.”

“Nonsense !” Woohyun exclaimed. “How can such a pretty lady have so low standards ? You’re being rude, not allowing that lady to seat before your monologue.” he told Dongwoo, grabbing an empty chair to pull it at their table. “Milady.” he said, charming, and the young woman laughed lightly, taking the seat between Woohyun and the maknae.

Sunggyu was satisfied to hear Woohyun yelp as Howon gave him a well-placed nudge in the ribs. He couldn’t stand his disgustingly cheesy friend on a daily basis, but now it was just unbearable.

“Dongwoo hyung, come over here !” Sungjong waved at him, standing up to let his seat to Dongwoo and allow the couple to sit together. “I’ll sit next to Sunggyu hyung.” He said when Dongwoo wondered where he would go.

The mention of his name made Dongwoo look at him. Sunggyu felt himself forcing a smile, but his heart wasn’t in it. Astonishing, he thought, because the smiles he gave Dongwoo were always genuine. Well, Sunggyu guessed it wasn’t always anymore. Concerned about the necessity to repress his feelings, he locked himself in silence, barely following the conversation his friends started.

“So Hyejin-shi, you’re an actress ?” Sungyeol asked with interest.

“Yes. I only act in musicals though.”

“It must be fascinating.” Myungsoo added.

“Well, when you have a passion, it’s an exciting adventure.” She said, turning slightly to smile at Dongwoo who smiled back.

“I thought of being a singer when I was in high school.” Woohyun chirped up. “But since my parents’ insisted on the fact that I should get a degree, I ended up studying creative arts applied to marketing and advertising and I fell for it.”

“So what are you doing now ?” Hyejin asked, seeming genuinely interested.

“I’m the manager of the artistic team of Mademoiselle Korea.” he said humbly.

“Oh my God ! I love this magazine !” she exclaimed, clapping her hands together.

“Makes me think, Woohyun hyung, when do you need my answer for the shoot you proposed me ?” Myungsoo asked.

“Well, as soon as possible.” Woohyun said, looking back at him. “Myungsoo here is a photographer, he agrees to work with us sometimes.”

“But I’m more of an artist.” The said photographer said. “I expose in a gallery in Hongdae.”

“It’s close to the coffee shop I work in. I’m a barista.” Sungyeol said.

“And I’m a preschool teacher.” Sungjong raised his hand.

“Wow, that’s amazing how you’re all from diverse backgrounds !” she marvelled. “It’s a real wealth.”

“Tell us how you guys got together.” Woohyun asked for the gossip once they put the girl at ease. “Dongwoo said you’ve been seeing each other for three months but he never mentioned you. I’m curious.”

“Yes, tell us Hyejin-shi !” Sungyeol encouraged.

As his friends at their attention focused on the newcomer, Sunggyu felt increasingly bad. The joyful atmosphere of the gathering was overbearing, and seeing Dongwoo and his girlfriend being lovey-dovey, feeding each other and such was making him sick. Feeling invisible, he was surprised to see all the eyes turning to him as he stood up abruptly.

“I need a smoke.” He lamely justified.

“You started to smoke again ?” Sungjong asked, disapproving.

Sunggyu didn’t even gave him an answer and purposely avoided Dongwoo’s eyes as he fled the packed restaurant, welcoming the fresh air with a relieved sigh as he stepped outside. Sunggyu had quit smoking like he used to, but out of habit, he kept his menthol cigarettes close for cases of extreme urgency, like his current anxious state. His hand curled on the familiar packet of the inside pocket of his coat and he pulled it out to get one before putting it back. He fumbled his pockets, looking for a lighter, when a little flame emerged from a familiar zippo in front of him. Sunggyu lit his cigarette up and looked up to give its owner a thankful look. Howon had a small smile, the kind which said more than words. Himself grabbed his own pack of smokes and pulled out a cigarette, lit it and took a puff.

“So much for being a doctor.” Sunggyu pointed out with a smirk.

Howon smiled at that, shrugging his shoulders lazily.

“It’s what I call the doctor paradox: do what you tell your patients not to.”

Despite his mood, Sunggyu couldn’t help but laugh.

“Haven’t you promised Woohyun you’ll stop as a New Year’s resolution ?” he teased.

“I promised him the same thing every year for nearly seven years. I think he got the hang of it.” Howon said back with a hint of mischievous smile.

“He’ll notice the smell.” Sunggyu said, knowing his best friend. “He’ll be pissed.”

“I’ll say it’s you.” Howon said confidently.

“We don’t smoke the same cigarettes. Yours are way stronger than mine.”

“I will say you wanted to smoke but you didn’t have cigarettes so I gave you mine.”

“Always an answer to everything.” Sunggyu shook his head. “You should’ve been a dentist. You lie through your teeth.”

Howon exhaled his smoke on Sunggyu’s face to revenge, making the eldest wince.

“Yah Lee Howon !” he exclaimed, disgusted.

Howon laughed, a bright, booming sound that made Sunggyu’s annoyance melt into a fond smile. He smacked the younger’s head but it was only pro forma.

“It’s better to see you like this, hyung.” Howon said. “You didn’t looked so good in there.”

This brought back the reason why Sunggyu was standing out, reviving a bad habit, instead of enjoying a meal with his friends. His expression darkened immediately and he took an angry puff at his cigarette.

“What are you going to do ?” Howon asked.

“About what ?” Sunggyu said, sounding harsher than he intended.

“Dongwoo hyung… Are you going to man up and confess to him ?” Howon asked casually.

Sunggyu coughed loudly, but not because of smoking. He looked at his dongsaeng as if he fell off the moon.

“How ?” was the only word his shocked self was able to utter.

“We’re too similar, Sunggyu hyung.” Howon said, looking up at the night’s sky. “I guess that’s why I noticed… I acted the same way around Woohyun before we got together.”

“How long ?” Sunggyu asked again, a tiny bit of amelioration in his sentences’ construction.

“I was always suspicious I guess…” Howon said sincerely. “But what really gave you away was the trip after we graduated.”

“Ah, the memories we made there…” Sunggyu sighed contentedly, reminiscing their past. “Have you told Woohyun ?”

Howon shook his head firmly.

“As much as I love him, this is not my decision to make.”

“And that’s why I feel the closest to you.” Sunggyu grinned, squeezing his shoulder. “Thank you for your discretion Howon-ah.”

“It’s normal hyung. I’m your friend.”

Howon sounded so earnest Sunggyu felt moved. The two men didn’t spoke for a while, until Sunggyu managed to ask the question taunting him.

“Do you think anyone noticed ? I mean, beside you.”

Howon reflected on the eventuality.

“Sungjongie is the only one observant enough, but I think he would’ve come to you if he had suspicions.” Howon said. “And about Dongwoo hyung, you know how oblivious he is about himself.”

“I know.” Sunggyu said with a tender smile. “He is so dense sometimes… but it’s endearing.”

“Come on hyung.” Howon smacked this back in a manly way. “Let’s go back inside. And no more mourning.”

Sunggyu laughed at that, crushing his cigarette on the asphalt. Their return met the exclamations of their friends, Myungsoo asking why they were out for so long and Sungjong nagging at his hyungs, teacher’s mode activated, rolling his eyes and lecturing them saying smoking was bad and it gave cancer and seriously Howon hyung, you’re a doctor !

Woohyun wasn’t a fool either and gave Howon a look, the kind which could be translated along the lines we’ll talk about this when we’ll get home and you’re definitely sleeping on the couch for an indeterminate period, which make Sunggyu pity his dongsaeng. Howon seemed more worried about him though, because the rest of the dinner was spend with eyes-check and silent eyes conversations between them. Sunggyu couldn’t remember the number of times he signified Howon he was fine through his eyes. What he could remember though was the excruciating pain his heart went through each time his eyes wondered on the newly established couple.

Time is supposed to heal all wounds. Sunggyu cursed the initiator of that lie. Time didn’t made his unrequited love fade during all those years, and since Dongwoo had gotten himself a girlfriend, the pain increased tenfold, each day more aching. Before he had at least Dongwoo beside him as a friend. Now that the said man was in a relationship, his girlfriend seemed to take all his time. Finished, the weekly appointments at the gym. Ended, their usual Friday movie night. Over, the Sunday’s brunch. All the activities that were “just the two of them” were replaced on Dongwoo’s schedule, a girlfriend requiring more attention than a friend.

Sunggyu wandered into his life as a wandering soul, a lifeless shadow of himself. The only loophole he got was his job, but even his neat and precise routine was difficult to perform. Simply put, Kim Sunggyu was lost without Jang Dongwoo, the pivot of his existence. It would have been easier if Sunggyu managed to be angry at him for abandoning him, but the only feeling he managed to have was sadness and regret. It wasn’t Dongwoo’s fault if Sunggyu couldn’t let go of his stupid feelings. He was the one to blame for everything.

The only positive that Sunggyu discerned in this dark horizon was that he now had a confidant in the person of Howon, the man patiently and attentively listening to all of his complaints. He was the reason why Sunggyu had not cancelled his subscription to the gym to wallow in self-pity in his bed. They started to see each other regularly after the first time Dongwoo introduced his girlfriend to the gang, depending on Sunggyu’s need to talk to someone. In addition to being a great listener and counsellor, Howon was also a doctor, meaning a free way to medical care and prescriptions, which was always good.

To say their friends were surprised by this sudden closeness would not be true. Everyone noticed Dongwoo had less time to meet with the guys, so when Howon started to hang out with Sunggyu, everyone found it normal. Everyone was moving on with their lives, meaning some things would change and not be the same. They were so often together that Woohyun once joked about the fact that if Sunggyu wasn’t like a brother to him, he would get worried at how close the two have gotten. It has been a year and a half, since that fateful night, and Sunggyu was getting home after a day of hard work. He grabbed his mail in his apartment’s hall without looking at it and climbed the stairs till the sixth floor, the elevator being broken again.

He threw the mail on the kitchen table as he got into his apartment, checking the clock on the wall. He wanted to go work out to take his mind out of things, but since he wasn’t much of a sports fan, he needed someone to motivate him. He thought of calling Howon before realising the younger told him he had a night shift. He briefly considered to call Dongwoo but shook his head. The couple’s voicemail with Dongwoo and Hyejin’s intermingled voices was torture to his ears.

He sighed, ready to go through the domestic and boring task to go through the mail. He took the small pile of letters. Bill, bill, bill, a letter from his bank, most likely a monthly report on his accounts, a bunch of flyers for nearby restaurants… nothing out of the ordinary. But what caught his gaze was a big envelop, white and gold, and his name and address written in calligraphic fashion with what should have been a fountain pen. His curiosity piqued, he dropped the other letters on the table and went to his office to grab his paperknife and opened