Jaehyun and I had been best friends for a long time. We watched each other grow up, watched each other fail and succeed in life. We had gone through all of it together. We supported each other no matter what. That’s why he also supported my relationship with Taeyong at first, until things decided to take a turn for the worse.

I tried to be perfect for Taeyong. I tried to look pretty enough, tried to look skinny enough. I never felt like I was good enough for him. I was a broken doll. Broken by the hardships of our relationship. I pretended like everything was fine. I was able to fool everyone, except Jaehyun. He was able to see right through my facade. I decided to tell him what was really going on between Taeyong and I. I told him about how he wasn’t spending time with me anymore. I told him about the girls he was meeting up with. I was blinded by love, so I kept on going back to him. I let him hurt me way too many times. Jaehyun simply listened to me without judging.

Taeyong was never able to get along with Jaehyun. Jaehyun had tried to approach him before, but my boyfriend was jealous of our friendship. He never liked it whenever Jaehyun got too close to me. It was hard to make both my relationship and friendship work at the same time, but I decided that both were important to me. It was impossible to pick one of them.

Months went by and Jaehyun watched me suffer through it all. He was there for me whenever I needed a shoulder to lean on. He was there to wipe the tears away. Watching me get hurt must’ve hurt Jaehyun as well, but I only realized this afterwards. He tried to protect me from all evil in this world. He was always there for me. No matter how much it hurt him. No matter how much I hurt him. It was evident that Jaehyun wanted me to break up with Taeyong. He never said it out loud, because he knew I was able to make my own decisions, but I could tell by the look in his eyes.

When we did finally break up, I was devastated despite the fact that he hadn’t treated me well. There was still a lot of emotional baggage that I carried with me. Jaehyun was there to pick up the pieces again of my broken soul. He was there to stitch me up again. He tried his hardest to glue the broken pieces of my heart together. Sometimes they would mismatch and then he would have to try again. He tried his hardest to fix me, even if it was the toughest thing to do.

Jaehyun made sure to spend a lot of time with me. He knew I was feeling lonely, so he always tried to keep me company. He would try to watch a cheesy romantic movie with me, but it would only remind me of Taeyong. I’d tell him that I was crying because of a sad scene in the movie, but I think he knew I was lying.

He made sure I had everything I needed. He took care of me when I couldn’t do it myself. He tried to make me laugh whenever I was feeling down. He tried to distract me by taking me somewhere fun. He did everything he could to help me get over Taeyong. I could see the pain in his eyes whenever I talked about Taeyong. I tried my hardest not to, but he was someone I had loved for a long time after all.

I misused his kindness. We were both lying in bed after we had watched a movie together. It was an emotional night. It was late. Neither of us was thinking clearly anymore. ‘Make me forget.’ I whispered. ‘Make me forget about him. Just for a little while. Make me forget about him the same way he forgot about me.’

We never mentioned that night again.

We kept on spending more and more time together. It was the closest our friendship had ever been. I had always known he was an amazing friend, but through this experience I realized that I couldn’t have survived this without him. I loved him.

But not in the same way he loved me.

Jaehyun confessed to me. He told me he had been in love with me ever since we were kids. I never imagined the possibility of Jaehyun falling in love with me. He was good looking, kind, outgoing and talented. He had it all going for him. Why would someone like him fall for me? I didn’t deserve him, especially not after what I had done to him. I was in no shape to love or be loved. I was a broken doll that no one wanted anymore. I wish I could’ve returned his feelings, but I was still not over Taeyong.  I was still coping with the break up, coping with the scars he had left me. I wish I could’ve loved Jaehyun in the same way he loved me, but love is never that simple.

It was simply not the right time for me. Maybe a couple years from now on, we will meet again and things will be different then. Maybe then we could give it a shot.

I’m sorry, Jaehyun. I wish I could return all of your feelings and affection. I wish I could love you too, but I’m not someone you should love. I’m not someone you can love. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve put you through, just because I wasn’t aware of your feelings for me. I might not be able to make you happy, but I will tell you that I couldn’t have done any of this without you. You were there for me when I needed you the most. You were there to wipe the tears away. You were the one who put a smile on my face again. You were there to pick me up.

And for that I am infinitely grateful towards you.