Waste Not, Want Not

You're beautiful, but you're empty...One couldn't die for you. Of course, an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than all of you together, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I put under glass, since she's the one I sheltered behind the screen. Since she's the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except the two or three butterflies). Since she's the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she's my rose.

Early January, 2016…

            Ryeowook had to get clearance from the government every time he wanted to leave the country, which was forcing me to come to terms with the fact that he was leaving in a little over a month.  Up to that point, I thought I was mentally prepared for our time apart, but now I wasn’t so sure anymore.  We’d never really been away from each other for more than a week.  Maybe we’d occasionally run into each other during the service—the military was always making our hyungs come together for promotional events, at least—or could sneak on a leave of absence together.  Donghae and Eunhyuk had seen each other since leaving, so I had some hope for us as well.  But three years still felt too long. 

            Ryeowook was starting to pack things that he wouldn’t need to bring to his parent’s house, like his giraffes.  They take up so much damn space in his room, it’s amazing how many he can squish into a box.  I was lying on his bed watching him.  I had been playing a game on my phone, but I finally put it down and he hadn’t noticed yet that I was just lying there, watching him and absorbing the moment. 

            Finally, I just told him what I was thinking.  “I don’t want you to leave next month.”

            Ryeowook looked over his shoulder at me, his hands still in a box, “What?”

            I jumped off the bed and walked over to him.  Then I started taking the stuffed giraffes back out of the box and put them back onto the shelf they’d been sitting on.  “Kyuhyun!  What are you doing?” he asked, sighing heavily as he watched me. 

            “I don’t want you to leave.  It’s too soon,” I told him.  “I can’t leave any earlier than the fall, if even then, and the sooner you leave, the longer we’ll be apart.”

            “Kyuhyun…I’m almost thirty.  I have to go soon!”

            “That’s bull.  Shindong waited,” I pointed out.

            “And the government wasn’t thrilled about it because he had no good reason other than wanting to be around for Sungmin’s wedding,” Ryeowook reminded me, taking giraffes back off the shelf and putting them into the box again.  

            I grabbed onto Ryeowook’s hands and pulled him away from the box.  “So arrange for your solo concert to be later than when you planned to leave for your enlistment.  That’s a completely legitimate reason.”

            “What for?” Ryeowook asked.  “The company would rather have me start sooner so I’ll be back to do promotions again.”

            I know I was being selfish.  I know that.  But I didn’t care anymore.  When it came down to it, I knew that he would put me before the rest of the group, if he thought it was important enough and this time, I thought it was.  I am not always willing to admit that I need him.  I’m a little close-mouthed about my emotions at times. 

            “Do it for me!” I pleaded, tightening my grip on his hands.

            Ryeowook looked down at his feet.  “Kyu…”

            “Just this once, I’m asking you to rearrange your schedule for me.  I need you with me a little longer.”

            Ryeowook shook his head.

            I cupped his face, tilting it back up.  I looked straight at him and said it again, so he’d understand.  “I need you, Ryeong.  I need you!  Don’t leave me yet.”

            Ryeowook wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tight.  “Why do you do this to me?” he said, beginning to cry.  “You know I don’t want to leave at all.”

            When it comes down to it, I blame him for making me like this.  I wasn’t this needy until we began seeing each other.  And I probably wasn’t even this bad in the beginning because I was still somewhat proud and thought I didn’t really need people.  I just loved them.   Over time, as my affection for him grew, the feelings I felt for him evolved.  I felt a love for him that I’d never felt for anyone else in my life and that’s when I realized how screwed I was.  That’s when I knew, I’d never be able to live without him.

“If I do this, then you have to promise to share me with my mother.  I promised her I’d move in with her back in September and never did, since we couldn’t stand to live apart.  If I stay longer, yo