“I’m sorry”

He stood there, dumbstruck.

“I’m sorry, what?!”

“I’m sorry, Yamada-san”

And she was gone, half-walking, half-running, while he was still blinking in and out of reality.

*

The day Yamada Ryosuke confessed was a perfectly fine day. Clear sky, bright sun, cool breeze carrying sakura petals, floating between sun drops. He even chose the locked rooftop, just to keep her out of prying eyes. He was so sure he would succeed.

Apparently, life has a way to go astray, even when everything was going right in the direction it should.

Slump and defeated, he decided to lay there in the sun, pretending he was a cat. At least a cat didn’t have to think of the reason she had bowed to him at exactly 90 degrees before running away.

Riiiinggg riiinggg riiiinggg

His alarm started going off.

At 15, he was already more popular than most of the kids in the country. But at 15, there wasn’t a lot that brought him concern. All he was to think about was to pull off his own character on stage, follow the scripts, and smile. He had a soothing type of smile, and sparkly eyes that could speak. And on the humble mind of a 15 year-old that didn’t really have more worries, getting rejected by a girl was probably the worst thing he could ever experience.

Yamada rolled to his side, pulling the blanket up to hide his face from sunlight streaming in from the windows by his desk. April was creeping by, faster than he would have liked.

“Ryosuke, do you need me to drop you at the station on my way?”

His father called from outside the door.

“I’m ok, tou-san. I’ll walk with Chihiro a bit later.”

“Then I’ll go on ahead”

Yamada mumbled something along the line of “Bye~” and went straight back to pretending to sleep. He sure was glad he didn’t have to go to school today.

It would have been conceited of him to be calling himself ‘heartbroken’. There wasn’t any pain he could pinpoint, nor was it hard for him to breathe. There wasn’t anything like in manga, or like how his big sister used to describe being rejected. If anything, he just couldn’t stop himself asking

Why?

“Moshi moshi, Ryosuke? I’m heading over to pick you up now.”

“Chinen…I don’t wanna…”

“Eh? I can’t hear you, I have my windows down. Anyways, I’ll be there in about 30 min. Actually, make that 20, mom’s driving.”

Only then did Yamada remember he was to be at the TV station by 10am.

*

Harushika Narumi was her name.

She’d been avoiding the rooftop for a week, even though she knew Yamada Ryosuke wouldn’t be there. He hadn’t been to school ever since Scrap Teacher aired. Rumors had it, Yamada’s schedule was fully booked well into July. With Hey! Say! JUMP timetable, practice and filming, it was amazing enough of him to even show up at the school opening ceremony.

Even more amazing how he decided to take her to the rooftop on that day, first week in and already breaking rules.

Harushika wasn't in the TRAIT class. Not belonging to an agency was absolutely horrible when it comes to getting into Horikoshi High. Unfortunately, this was the only place where she could get the education she needed. She hated leaving everything up to chance. With exactly zero connection and only utmost crazy motivation, 500 letters sent and just as many meetups, she somehow managed to get recommendation from one of the big-shot talent managers to attend Horikoshi. Yamada Ryosuke admired her for that.

Yamada and Harushika attended the same junior high, though not in the same class. She was very keen on English and Science, while he excelled in Math and Social Studies. He was always on the sport fields, while she resided mostly in the library. He thought they never would have met, let alone somehow developing feelings for her.

It was late autumn when they first met.

“Ryuu Amakusa-kun?”

Yamada’s class had a quiz in the afternoon, and he was too embarrassed to admit that he hadn’t so much as read a single revision question. It was too cloudy and depressing to play sports outside so most of the students stayed indoors during lunch break, which inconveniently deprived him of a place to try to stuff at least something into his memory. He had been quite conscious about how people would look at him since he debuted as an actor. There was something about working as an entertainer rendered him an arrogant, all-powerful person in others’ eyes. There was this pressure to be good at absolutely everything.

The rooftop wasn’t locked that day.

When he opened that door, she was already there.

Harushika Narumi was tall for her age, and well built. Her ponytail was unruly, flying like a bushy flag. She was sitting cross-legged against the fence, eyes closed, and away in her own world.

He was going to turn back when she unplugged her earphones, asking

“Ryuu Amakusa-kun?”

Yamada never had to face this kind of recognition before. There had been people asking if he was Yamada Ryosuke, or if he was ‘that emotionless boy from Tantei Gakuen Q’. Never ‘Ryuu Amakusa’.

Somehow, he felt like that was the highest compliment he had ever received.

“Sorry, I got carried away for a moment. Yamada-san, right?”

“Uhm”

That was all he could mutter, half-happy, half-embarrassed.

“Umm...I’m Harushika, nice to meet you,” she said after a long, awkward pause, eyeing him almost carefully. Usually the boy was bombarded with questions, and he came to learn how to smile past those. What he never got to learn was how to deal with the quiet, judging eyes kind of type. He felt stupid smiling, but even stupider just standing there, staring.

“Umm…then, I’ll take my leave. Have a good day,” Harushika rolled up her earphones, slowly stood up and walked towards Yamada, who was blocking the door. She was about 5-10cm taller than him at that time, which was a little intimidating up close. He dutifully stepped aside to let her through.

When he saw her again, it was snowing.

The library after school was dead silent. He caught a glimpse of her, again sitting cross-legged on the ground, reading an old book in the dying daylight. She had a small reading light clipped on the nearby shelf, its illumination circled around her, creating a comfortable little space, as if she was sitting on a round white pillow-chair in her personal library.

Sometimes, all it took was convenient timing.

The rustling of his uniform startled her.

“Ah!” she blinked, seemingly recognized him, “Yamada-san, did you need help with the books?”

“Umm…mystery novel, or rather…manga…”

“Ah, like Tantei Gakuen Q?”

“Umm, something like that…”

She quickly got to her feet, dusted her skirt and started walking, “Those should be in these sections,” she almost enthusiastically pointed towards a section at the back. Normally, manga is forbidden in school libraries, but rumors had it, there was this particular student library assistant who kept smuggling more and more titles in and hiding them all over the place. If you came at the right time, and asked the right person, you could get everything you need, or so they said. Yamada was half doubtful, but since he couldn’t go to public libraries, or scour old book stores, he thought he’d try the school library before spending his little allowance on it. Yamada Ryosuke was the type who’d like to try his hardest using the little resources he had, before asking others to step in.

“So…Are you a student library assistant?” Yamada carefully worded his question, hoping like no tomorrow that he wasn’t wrong. He wouldn’t want to risk getting interrogated by the teachers if he was.

“I am THE student library assistant,” Yamada didn’t see her face, but he thought she was softly chuckling, “there isn’t any other kid. Not too many enjoy being in a library after school anyways. Here, third shelf down if you can spot them.”

The back shelves were usually a bit taller than the ones standing alone, being supported by the back wall. Third shelf from the top was just above his head, packed with ancient looking books. They weren’t worn out or anything, their covers were just yellow-ish, the kind of colors found on old books and newspapers. Nested between the writings of years-ago were a set of tiny, neatly pushed in just out of sight, shiny new manga.

“That’s kinda genius,” he whispered in awe.

Harushika Narumi pulled out a small notebook from her right jacket pocket and started scribbling Yamada’s name and class. “Usually, the back sections can’t be checked out, but you can read them within the school grounds as long as the teachers don’t catch on,” she closed her little notebook and smiled at him.

The sentence made Yamada flinch. He barely had enough time to catch up with school work except for the little time he could spare between classes and breaks. He still had dance practice, sometimes performances, to go to after school. It seemed that he would need to buy them himself. To think that he only recently bought the last two Shonen Jump! too...

“But, Amakusa Ryuu-kun can become an exception” the girl looked at him, then at the books meaningfully.

Naturally, the boy was perplexed. Was he not Amakusa Ryuu? She was the one who said so after all.

“Nee, Yamada-san, won’t you let me help you build Amakusa Ryuu?”

*

It wasn’t until April that year did he find out about the drama series he was going to star in. It became such a big deal among Johnny’s, for a backup dancer to have made a double leap both in music and acting in the same year. Yamada was mostly met with compliments and encouragement, rivalry was fierce, and he’d earned it fair and square. He wouldn’t call himself a prodigy, just a kid who worked harder than any of the Juniors at that point.

April 2007, Yamada Ryosuke officially started performing as a member of Hey!Say!7.

Flipping through the manga he borrowed earlier that week, his mind switched back and forth between his performance schedule, drama schedule and Harushika’s words. She’d been saying a lot of things. He’d answer at times, but most of the times he’d listen. The girl spoke of the character, of the series, of the drama, of him, of the entertainment world. But the thing she liked to say the most was

“You’re a beautiful kid, Yamada-san”

She would declare that at odd intervals, usually following a long stare at his face when he hadn’t responded to her words. He would get embarrassed at first and deny it, but that made her stare even longer and ask, “Sou?” so he learned to just let her get bored on her own and carry on. Weird enough, he wasn’t particularly bothered by this small habit of hers. If anything, the way she said it and her dead serious face made him a little happy.

His birthday peacefully passed. He rarely had time to go to the library after school for a while, save for one time he dropped in to return the books. Harushika wasn’t there though.

Climbing step by step to the third shelf of the last bookcase in the back, where Harushika usually stored her most treasured books, Yamada slowly traced his fingers along the volumes. He liked how the books were always perfectly aligned, neatly arranged, and just out of sight, out of reach, like a little treasure chest. To which he had a key.

He easily found the little void of the book he borrowed filled with something else. A wooden box, barely smaller than the adjacent books, was covered in simple, beautifully drawn brush , with a small piece of paper sticking out.

Yamada Ryosuke-sama e,

Otanjoubi omedetou gozaimasu

I hope this could come in handy one day.

He turned the mp3 recorder in his hand. There was a pair of white headphones attached, covered in similar brush with the containing box. The lingering scent of wood and ink eased his mind.

Yamada found himself grinning a bit like an idiot that day.