"Don't come in!"

I shouted through the locked door, hugging myself while sitting in the bed.

"Taehyung..."

"I don't want to see you! Why are you always here?"

"Then... who will be here for you?"

I gritted my teeth at what he said. "I'm fine by myself, don't come here again!"

Jin didn't respond. No noise at the door anymore. Did he already leave?

I almost jumped when he spoke. "I brought food for you. I'll be back again later." And then I heard steps leaving and those slowly faded. Those steps were so sad.

I laid at my bed and stared at the ceiling.

Please stay... Please. I called.

But those words never came out. Those words don't seem for me to say. I don't want to be selfish.

Streams of tears started to make its way on my cheeks as I remembered what just happened a month ago.

When my parents died of a car accident.

They were on their way home from a business trip. We're on the phone, talking happily, mom telling how good the spa's massage was, dad talking how they got the deal. And the next thing I knew... The line was cut off. And so their lives.

It's been a month since that happened. Been a month since I saw them being lowered in the ground, beside each other. Are they happy together in heaven? Do they even miss me? Can they see me?

In those times, Seokjin was always there. He would hug me everytime I can't stop crying at night. He'll whisper calming words. He'll touch my cheeks lightly. He'll run his fingers through my hair. He'll land a soft kiss on my forehead. And I'll still wake up next to him.

He would always give me a sweet smile. A hot chocolate at mornings with marshmallows. A muffin with colorful icings and M&Ms at top.

And you're asking why I'm pushing him away?

I am scared.

That after I get attached to him, after knowing I can't live without him at my side... He'll leave me, too. He'll walk out through the door. He'll walk out of my life.

And before that happens, I am trying to get him out of my life.

As if it wasn't the case now. As if you don't like him now.

It's not that I don't know he already likes someone.

Not named Kim Taehyung. I'm just that precious bestfriend after all.

---

I woke up with my eyes swelling. I don't have any energy to do anything. I looked at the open window, with the wind blowing the curtains. It was already evening and raining. I lazily got up to close the window.

When I saw Jin standing outside.

He was just at the gate, with nothing to protect him from the rain. He was looking at the door with those sad eyes.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HYUNG???

I hurriedly ran and unlocked the door of my bedroom and the house, and towards Jin hyung outside.

My Jin hyung.

"Why are you here outside? You can go through the door. How long have you been here?" I asked him, not minding that I'm slowly getting wet from the rain, too.

"Well... You said you don't want to see me..."

With those words, I felt ashamed of myself. I didn't mean those. But it still came out right through my mouth.

I grabbed his hand and dragged him inside. I didn't care when drops of water wet the carpet and just went straight to the bedroom to get some towels.

"You can get to the bathroom." I said as I hand him the towel. "I'll get in next."

"It's cold. You can get in first."

"And you were in the rain longer. Come on. Just don't stay there too long."

He nodded and proceeded to the bathroom.

I just wrapped the towel on me to ease the cold that I'm starting to feel. I prepared some hot chocolate with some marshmallows just like what his Jin hyung used to do.

A few minutes later, he came out.

"I didn't know I still had my clothes here."

"Well, you always forget them." I handed him the cup. "I'll get in. Just drink that."

I went inside the bathroom. I waited for the bathtub to fill then started to remove all my clothes and stepped into it.

Am I too harsh on him? Is it wrong to keep myself from another pain?

I curled at the bathtub and played with the bubbles.

I met Jin hyung at middle school.

I wouldn't know him if I didn't trip in a mud at the back of the building because I was trying to ditch class.  I heard a sudden burst of laugh. He was also there, lazing at the grass using his hands as his pillow. He lent me his P.E. uniform and that's where our friendship started. I introduced him to my other friends but we hang out most of the time.

He was the best friend a person like me would have.

And he thinks the same.

I'd be happy if I didn't fall for him. I'd be happy if I was the one he tells that he fell in love to... But I know I'm not the one who place a small smile in his face when he thought I wasn't looking. I can't be that one.

He was too perfect for me. He deserves someone better. He's not for someone as ed up as me.

I heard a soft knock on the bathroom door.

"Taehyung, are you okay? You're taking too long."

"Yeah. I'll be done in a minute."

"Can I come in?" He said softly.

My heart raced. I was thinking the otherwise but my mouth does the other. "Y-Yes..."

I heard the knob clicked and the creak of the door opening. I didn't look his way.

"Are you really taking a bath? You'll catch cold. I'll help you."

He grabbed the bottle of shampoo and poured some in his hands before putting it in my hair. He was so gentle but I felt pain.

Why did I say those words? How can I treat him like that when he was the sweetest and bestest friend I've ever had?

All just because I don't want pain... Because the love was one sided. Just because I don't want to be selfish that I didn't know I was acting like one.

"I'm sorry..."

My back stiffens as I heard him saying those words. Why is he saying sorry?

"I don't know if I did something wrong... For things to be different between us but I still want to say sorry. I may not have been enough to ease your pain."

No... I'm sorry.

But I didn't respond. My throat hurts. Everything hurts.

"If you don't want to see me, then I won't come here anymore." He stopped ruffling my hair. "I'll let you heal yourself." He washed his hands and stood up. "Thank you for letting me in. And your chocolate was nice by the way. I'll get going."

That... And he walked out the door.

---

It's been two weeks since that day. He didn't go at the house again. No calls and text. Nothing.

And it badly hurts.

It's what I wanted, right? I pushed him away from me so why am I feeling this way?

I looked around and it feels so empty. I feel so alone. No mom and dad anymore.

No hugs.

No smiles.

No chocolate drinks…

No Seokjin.

I looked at the blade not far away from me.

It would be easier this way, right? It wouldn't hurt anymore. I'll be with mom and dad. Jinnie wouldn't have to worry about me again.

I reached my hand at the table. My fingers trembling when it came in contact with the cold metal.

But then I saw the calendar with a circle on the 4th of December. Seokjin's birthday. Just a few days from now.

Will he be sad when I'm gone? Will he cry when I wasn't here anymore? Can I really take Seokjin's smile away?

I dropped the blade.

I don't want him to be sad at his birthday. I want him to always have that gentle and genuine smile on his face.

I sighed and just went to bed again. But sleep never came. I badly want to see him.

I stood up and wore a coat. I drove to his place where we always hang out after classes. I walked nervously to his flat and knocked three times. The door opened... but it wasn't Jin who opened the door.

"Taehyung?"

"...Jimin hyung."

I think I just heard a heart broken into pieces. This is just so great.

But being the fake person I was, I gave him a smile. "Is Jin hyung here?"

"Yeah. Well he was sleeping. Do you want to talk to him? I'll wake him up." he asked, concerned.

He was also there after my parents died. But he was too busy with their family business to handle me along those. He was one of my closest friends, I introduced him to Jin hyung. And I know Jimin liked him from the first time they met and talked to each other.

"No. It's okay. Just... tell him I went here." and I walked away, hearing an 'I will' from him.

I heaved a deep sigh and drove the car back to the house. I went straight to the bed and wrapped the sheets around my body.

I've said harsh words to him. I've already hurt him. I deserve this pain. Things were supposed to be like this.

---

I opened my eyes and tried to move around but I felt weight at my waist.

"Are you okay now?"

I held my breath as I heard his voice near my ears. Why is he here?

I felt so fuzzy inside, I was internally flailing, my heart was racing. I don't even know what else I was feeling anymore. My mind was filled with him.

"I think so..." I silently replied.

"Jimin said you went there earlier. I'm sorry I was asleep that time."

I fell silent for a moment before I turned around and faced him. My heart sank as I saw him. He lost some weight and eyebags were obvious. I lightly cupped his face.

"Hyung... I'm sorry."

Tears started to form in my eyes. I finally said those words.

He gave me a weak smile. "It's okay. I just don't understand why."

I averted my eyes. "I’m...I was afraid that just like Mom and Dad, one day you'll leave me. But… I don't want to tie you to me just because I was alone. You also have your own life to live."

He leaned on me and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. His hug gets tighter, too. And only God knows how I missed those.

"And I have chosen you to be my life."

"What?" I asked. I can't seem to hear those words. My heart was too loud.

"I've been sticking to a loud and weird human being for years now. It was annoying but I so got used to it that when your parents died and I can't hear your laughs or see your smiles anymore... Everything seems so wrong. I could see how you try to be strong outside but I could always hear you cry when you were alone. I'm always watching over you, Taehyung. I've been tied to you for as long as I know. I wouldn't mind being in your life more. Do you?"

I opened my mouth but a sob came out. I didn't know I was already crying that time. I continuously shook my head and buried my face in his chest. I hugged him back, my hands gripping his shirt. He let me cry while rubbing and drawing circles on my back until I calmed down. The feeling of him against me was the best feeling I would have right now.

"But you already liked Jimin, don't you?" I asked him after a while.

"When did I say it was Jimin?"

"Well..." I tried to recall him saying that he likes Jimin but my memory's too poor for those. "He... likes you. And he was at your house earlier."

He chuckled. "He did like me. It was just a small crush, you know. He likes Kookie now. Did you know they were a couple since Monday?"

"What? No... No."

"And they were both at the house earlier."

"Why?"

"Maybe because someone is making things hard for me?"

I stared up to him.

"I can't sleep properly, I don't have an appetite for eating, I can't stop thinking of you. I was wondering if you were okay, if you're not crying anymore or maybe you'd want to see me for a bit. That maybe you missed me even for a little."

"Hyung..."

"This isn't the nice timing... But I want you to know I love you, Kim Taehyung. I'll stay by your side always. I won't promise I will be there for you forever; I don't have any cheesy lines prepared...

But would you like to spend the rest of your life with me?"

I tried to grab some words but all that I understand is how perfect this person is. How I wanted him so bad. How much I love him that it hurts.

I stared up to him and claimed his lips. He responded with equal passion; maybe more and we're just like that for minutes. Him planting small kisses on my face, whispering soft words.

"I love you, too Seokjin hyung. And… I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

I am Taehyung. And I hate Seokjin hyung the most. He made me madly, deeply, sweetly fall in love with him.